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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have a minute, but wanted to let you all know what's been going on.

X was told unequivocally that I am going to continue to date the new guy. X went F-n ballistic. It was scary. Punching holes in the wall mad.
I'm fine. So are the kids. He seems to have calmed down, tho he still appears desperate to cling on, telling himself that this is just a fling I need to get out of my system and that we will ultimately be back together.

Sigh.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
I'm very sorry that he used his anger to instill fear. I see it as reality finally setting in, at least in my case. (Mr. STBXNell spends at least a few minutes every day raging against the great injustice that is being levelled against him... still no introspection or accepting that this is among the consequences of his actions, and the only consequence that has affected him personally. Interesting/horrible to watch him devolve in this way.)

Meanwhile, I am very happy about yesterday's playoff game.

Hugs to all. A few meetings to start out my week with people who can be challenging to deal with... even when I am there specifically to help them. Ah, 'tis the story of my life.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

This worries me. Had he been drinking? He is trying to imtimidate you. He wants his way and as you say he is getting desperate. He has not earned the right to tell you how you should live your life or to tell you what you are feeling about the new guy. You do not need someone who goes ballistic and punches walls preaching to you. Were the kids present for this? Damn. Please be CAREFUL!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I punched a hole in the wall not long after dday. I also took our desk and slung everything against the walls and on the floor. My daughter was home and I was out of my mind. She cried, my W cried.. scared them to death. It's a man thing I guess.

I guess it isn't ironic that the anger hits us both when felt the pain of loss no matter how the loss occurs.

Allgood, you desirve to have someone love all over you without any bad feelings!

Nell.. Houston huh? Next week they face a real team..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I am with Dip and the others that the wall punching bothers me and I worry for you and your children.

I never did wall punching after dday, I learned earlier in life that the studs really can hurt. I did throw some things during my rage stage.

...telling himself that this is just a fling I need to get out of my system and that we will ultimately be back together.

He still does not empathize or understand the reality of the situation he created does he?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... glad you made your choice and were upfront with X.

It is always good to be guarded regarded one's safety but this may be just his (unhealthy) way of dealing with anger.

ats.. did you aquire this experience personally?

I never did wall punching after dday, I learned earlier in life that the studs really can hurt.

I was fortunate to aquire this knowledge form a friend who upon being dumped by GF punced the wall, hit a stud, and broke his hand.
h&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did you aquire this experience personally?

yes, this is, ahem.. first hand knowledge. Fortunately it was a metal stud rather than the less forgiving wooden 2x4.

I really wish I would get word one way or another on the job I interviewed for so that I could start moving forward again.It is not unusual in my field for these decisions to take months, but this one has been almost 5 since I applied so far.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support & concern.
I have to say - he does understand that this is something he brought on himself.
It's actually very hard to watch and between the desperation, intimidation, anger (was he drinking - yes)I feel like I will not be able to have a normal life anytime soon.

Told the new guy all about this stuff (really had no choice because I had to cancel a date due to X's condition - no way was he taking the kids) not sure how he feels about continuing a relationship with me given the drama.
We shall see.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
I have been thinking about Nogood's violent melt-down. [Oh, gawd.. Nell's thinking... Trouble! Trouble, Will Robinson!] Do you feel you are in danger, or do you feel that it was a form of manipulation (which sort of worked, in that you were forced to cancel your date with cute guy), or something else?

I ask because Mr. STBXNell's father (a large man) pitches giant temper tantrums, which whips his wife into a co-dependent frenzy and made his kids cower. He also abused every dog he has ever had (screaming at it, hitting it, etc.), which basically showed the people in his family that they had better watch it or else (though he never beat any of his kids). It was abuse.

Then there's sweet little ol' Nell, who screamed and threw things at the wall and at one point jumped out of the shower dripping wet to wake Mr. STBXNell up from sleep by smacking him repeatedly with a pillow while yelling obscenities at him. Which was probably scary as sh!t for Mr. STBXNell but wasn't dangerous for him. Though Mr. STBXNell later told Nell that he would not suffer being called an a$$hole because calling the kettle black in such a way was abusive.

Also, you do not owe Nogood any information about your dating life. At all.

Also, be safe. I'm a little afraid for you. And super POed at Nogood.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I was drinking too. My W and I have "those moments" only when we drink. Lessons learned I suppose.

So you all know... I am not longer a lion... I am a Honey badger.. I take what I want... Geaux Tigers!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg


[This message edited by trynhard at 2:16 PM, January 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my post 12/30

I have had a wonderful last four weeks and holiday. Despite demands of FWW's new job, family visiting, Christmas, an expensive and unexpected car repair, life has been good. FWW is meeting my relationship needs, and I have really felt cared for. I have to accept that FWW is being honest when she says that she too feels this way. FWW and I have laughed aloud and joked with each other, she has been flirty and tactile. The normal stresses in life, especially at the holiday, have affected, but not consumed, us. FWW scheduled an extra IC on her own when she needed some help. I do not know how much of this is the result of my revisiting my books an Buddhist teachings, how much is FWW trying to “overachieve” through the holidays, or how much is our new reality after years of effort. We had periods like this over the last 2 years, so I am cautious not to declare us a success and done, but it certainly has been a pleasant last few weeks.

Apparently that is all there was, just a happy blip. Now we are back to no sex in the last 2 weeks, a back scratch last night as we fell asleep that she thinks should be adequate. A long ride home the other day while she played Solitaire on her phone while I drove. Nothing is bad, just no feeling connected. We will end with a whimper, not a bang. No real reason to D, just no reason to stay M'd other than finances and inertia.

ETA: Looking forward to the SEC Championship game tonight.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:56 PM, January 9th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood-
So...you've made your decision.
You are done with the marriage.
Now...it should be NC with your STBX.
Get a separation agreement in place ASAP in terms of the kids visitation etc.
And...you have to stop giving him mixed messages.
No contact means no contact!
Your kids will survive if they visit him at his apartment. He does not have to come to your place for that.
You do not need to engage with him in any further discussions etc.
I'm afraid that the violence could escalate.
But...no more mixed messages... no contact, no sex, no conversations.
Make it a real separation.
I changed all the locks on my house after I kicked my husband out.
I know I really couldn't do that legally because it was still 1/2 his house but I wanted to make a statement.
I also told everyone about the separation and infidelity-his family, my family, our friends etc.
I think you need to do the same.
Otherwise, you continue to give him hope that this is just something that will pass..and things can go back to normal.
I wish you all the best.
You sound strong and happy with your decision.
Sometimes...the WS does have an epiphany but it could be too late.

ats-
sorry that things are not working out the way you had hoped. You have been very patient and forgiving.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sold my ring today.

Well, it was my ring. Until he gave it to her.

12 years ago, the man I loved had it custom made for me.

Two years ago, I had to stop wearing it since a prong was loose and we didn't have the money to fix it.

A year ago, he stole it from my jewelry box and proposed to his girlfriend (who he claims he didn't love anymore by then) with it.

Six months ago, he lied to me when I couldn't find it in the weeks after dday, let me believe that I had lost it. He confessed only after his therapist made him.

A few days later, I asked his father to do the unthinkable. He had to get it back. Not because I wanted it or because I'd ever wear it again, but because she couldn't have it.

I am going to go throw up now.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE)))
What a horrible story. I'm glad it's gone.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking, and not have had much time to post. All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

WYE: I really, really understand and empathize with you about your Mom. My mother, too, has BPD, and I suspect a lot of NPD traits to throw in. She has been in a rehab center for physical therapy for the last few months and they say she needs long term care. She is accusing me of being in cahoots with "them" to make her stay there!
WYE, I suggest that you go to IC to talk about ways to deal with your mother and to try to truly understand and feel that your mother's behavior has nothing to do with you. She is a deep dark bottomless pit of need that you can NEVER fill no matter what you do. I have to keep telling myself that about my mother, too and it's hard to fight the feelings of guilt they instill in you.

Ats:

Apparently that is all there was, just a happy blip

I don't want to sound like the proverbial "is the glass half full or half empty?" but, you are having more and more "happy blips". Try to be realistic and think if there is starting to be a shift to more happy times and going back to the old ways? If not, if there are too few and far between happy times and it's not changing, you are right, you need to reaccess the situation.

Tryn and NJgal, thank you both for your wisdom! We are so lucky to have you here!! God bless you!

Laura: I loooove the pics of the FDs, FCs and FGs! LOL. And the butterfly is absolutely gorgeous.

Miracle: I hope all the troubles with the cars get resolved soon. Sometimes it's good to have to deal with 'normal" troubles that are not A related.

Allgood: A few things. #1: do YOU want to R with Mr. Nogood IF he met certain criteria; ie stop going out drinking, complete NC, MC, IC, fully committing to R? What would make you believe he was really committed to doing these things if he agrees? You do realize that even if he does do all that you require, you also have a lot of work to do to make it work.
Weigh the benefits of doing this.

As for cute guy, this is the beginning of a relationship, and of course it feels good. But, if you read in D/S section, they always warn about getting into a new relationship so soon after S/D. I started dating current WH too soon after WH#1 left. I fell too deep and was so caught up in the good feelings that I didn't see all the red flags; "When you wear rose colored glasses, you don't see the red flags"
I'm not putting a damper on your relationship with cute guy, just be aware of what it is. If you are sure it's over with Mr. Nogood, then cute guy may be just what you need right now.

As for me, just confused, trying to survive and realizing that I'm merely being the "supply" for NPD's need right now and am in the "honeymoon stage" of the emotional abuse. But, because of years of being like this with Mom, and NPD, it 'feels" normal....KWIM???

I have to change ME.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honest))

It is hard. Seems like I am constantly trying to tell myself that there is nothing I can do for her. I know that there isn't.

She is a master manipulator, and it's just about protecting myself (and my kids) from her. Plus, she has a very dark and evil side that she lets out when she's angry. It's messed up.

I seriously wonder sometimes how I ended up as "normal" as I am. Had to have been my dad. Man, I miss him.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
So good to hear from you. Is Dishonest NPD still in your house?! When does he go away?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would share my updated chart on my feelings today.

I am not sure my fear will ever get back to that point before dday. I was a highly fearless person at one time. All that includes fear at work, fearful of fidelity, fear of my kids thoughts about me and such. Who knows if I will ever get back to that? Or maybe, a healthy person must have more fear than I once had?

I have daily thoughts about cheating, marriage, love, relationships.. I suppose that's because I am obsessive. Never really gave my obsessive personality a thought before my IC said I have one.. yet worked me well in my job. My courage is back.

Very close to starting a covert investigation. The plan is a two month project I'm calling it, Not Trust to Verify, then trust again. I will plan three one week long trips with my business. This week my DD is getting a new phone upgrade so for less risk, I decided to start after the phone arrives. I'm going to investigative using the phone gps, Family Locator App. The risk of her finding out is pretty low but if she does go online to look at the bill, It can be discovered. I could buy a gps tracker and place it in her car. I think I could hide it were it would be lower the chances of discovery.

If I get discovered, I will tell her that I was lied to for 8 years. I was tricked, fooled, hid from, for 8 fucking years. I see nothing wrong with verifying. I have nothing to hide and never did. I have no fear of you knowing exactly where I am at any time. This was my choice and I am glad I did it. Then that will be it. I am willing to end my M over discovery even if she has been honest. I am not a fool. I beleive people can change, but some people cannot.

I sure would welcome opinions and thoughts.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:41 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all...am in school at the moment waiting for class to start and decided to take a moment to catch up

((((((((((wye))))))))))

hon i wish i had words for you, i wish i could give you these hugs irl, i sense you need, really need some of that...i hope you have some peeps irl to give you some much needed tlc

honest: it is good to hear from you....and its time to cut off his supply dear heart...

as for "moms" it sucks when you have a mom who is a mother and not a "mom"....


tryn: that chart was all over the place...so i think its very appropriate!!!!


ok...class is about to begin..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. please re-read my feeling post... I updated it.. as I always do my post. I always typo or add subtract.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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