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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok added to my feelings chart....

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:58 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn.

That chart is giving me flashbacks from the 60's

If you are going to do the tracking thing then use the method with the least amount of risk. I do not know anything about all these phone apps but you said the gps was not as risky as the phone app. Are you having "gut" feelings or has something more concrete happened?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad weather today so I am working from home. And so is Mr. STBXNell.
Unlike. But dealing.

tryn,
God love your graphs! I agree with miracle... the fact that it's all over the place makes it right on.

dip,
I'm glad I wasn't around in the '60s. I would have been completely out of my element.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, I'm looking at the chart 6 months out thinking.....damn, that is accurate.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the reality is that up until I was 47 years old, the feelings all were at peace. Sure, I had a few "blips" over the years, but never lasted more than maybe a few short weeks. Maybe in about 20 years, if made a timeline of my whole life, this chart would have just one period of mixed up shit. More like a bump of a couple years. But who knows, so many things can cause feelings to go wacky.

Dip, I have had gut feelings occasionally. But I was tricked pretty well over those years. My W is not a typical person. She is a person who has extremely high IQ, intelligence, memory, and someone who rarely makes mistakes when it comes to “administration” items. You need to be a good liar to hid stuff. A good liar needs a good memeory.

No doubt, my relationship is so much better. I guess my innocence is gone. I know people can be tricky, lie, and this might be the final time I check. Maybe not? I am thinking it will place my mind at more peace. reinforce my courage, eliminate some fears and give me more confidence.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:06 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
Just reading your posts..
Update for me... Well, it has been me doing the Love Dare, and then bam... we start to argue, he says Divorce, I say okay... then back to his damage control, then yesterday says he is going out for a few but would not tell me with who, so I got a little snippy and he says "I will not let you know when I leave nor talk about it... I MEAN FOR GOOD"
I said okay with me...

Then he said all you do is bitch...
I said if you look or listen it is about fixing us and getting through this together, getting you unlost.. ect....
How is that bitching???

Well he went out but only for like 45 mintues to an hour and was back home with food...

I did not speak and did my own thing and went to bed..

this morning he is texting like nothing happened..

He keeps saying he is not doing anything, he doesn't want OW and all this...
What I have notices is no texting, he is home ALOT, and all that....but it is like he is struggling within himself... BUT actually I am starting to just not give a shit.. He stresses himself out, he doesn't see what he is doing, or why we fight.. It is all over him not trying or helping in the recovery of this marriage. He gets mad and then it's "we dont mix anymore" well no we dont, cause I need a man who WANTS to show love to his wife and treat her like gold... You fucked us up and you want me to fix it... Sorry buddy I can't as much as I want to I can't do it for us.. You have to help... I am so tried of beating my head against the wall and the back and forth..
So he is confused... well unconfuse yourself... Geez.



BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithful,
Is he in IC; are you in MC? I can't remember... sorry... It sounds like he's on the Mr. STBXNell Plan for Reconciliation (step 1: do nothing, step 2: insist that rugsweeping is the best way to have a better M, step 3: do nothing some more). He needs to do some work. See njgal's many posts about her FWH's ACTIONS after DDay.

tryn,
If you need to check, then check. If FWW has a problem with your checking (and maybe she will), then that's her problem to deal with.

Meanwhile, I'm at peace. So at peace that the fact that this is the second antiversary of DDay#1 occured to me twice today, but was forgotten immediately! Yay, Nell!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Nell....it would be nice to get to that point someday.

Hell, it would be nice to get to the point where I don't think about it constantly.

Been having a bad week. Or month. Feeling like he should be starting to make some kind of progress and he isn't. Then the whole ring thing....

He's decided he doesn't need to see his therapist because 1) there is nothing wrong with him, or if there is, he'd rather not know. 2) he wasn't getting anything out of it....except those close to us could see change, 3) he doesn't want to.

Oh, right....I forgot. This is all about him.

Shoot.

His dad came over yesterday, and I was a complete basket case. He's taking his son to lunch today, fully intending to tell him to get his head out of his ass.

We'll see.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 11:50 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -- tell nogood there is NO hope of R. And finalize that D as soon as it's a decent choice for you.

The wall punching? Oh hell no. You keep him out of your house 100% forever no matter what and drop your kids off and pick them up at his place. If he's doing childcare, he can do it there. F that.

Spent some time with J earlier this week. She says I'm noticeably happier. I told her one major goal is to rid my/our possessions of anything and everything that reminds me of the A.

Of course, I can't keep from never driving by a Comfort Inn ever again, but at least I don't have to drive by *the* Comfort Inn anymore.

Sigh.

So, many things will go. Can't wait to make a trip to the gold buyers and get a wad of cash for my jewelry. Some photos taken on vacations we went on with OW I will have scanned for my oldest DS so they aren't gone forever because they're getting burned.

New beginnings? For the newbies, let me sum up:

WH's car: totaled by me
WH's boat: sunk by OW when he dumped her
WH's house: being sold
My wedding pictures: gone
My wedding dress: went to Goodwill
Jewelry: to be sold
Gifts from OW (to me mostly, long story) gone as well
Nannies: gone (met them through her too)

Some of WH's clothes had to go too. Some of my kids clothes that were hand me downs from HER kids had to go.

Oh, and no more yellow paint or dragonflies ever, since psycho bitch copied the way my house was decorated.

What else?

Even now, more than 2 years later DS1 (The Pharaoh) Still asks to see his best friend. OW's DS2. It's not fair to him, but it would be idiotic for there to be any contact.

Anyway, I guess my point is: to let it all go, you really have to let it all go. Well, at least I do.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that m.

I'm at the point now where I really freaking want to move. She was here, played house with my husband here. Ate dinner at my table, cooked in my kitchen, took a shit on my toilet. There's nothing left untouched, and I want it all gone.

Can't get rid of everything though.....

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 1:28 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.. lobe the graph! Maybe I am ahead of the timeline slightly becasue I found SI sooner.

Tracking. Covert or Overt. Either works. If W objects, too bad because she earned it through years of deceit. Personally, I do not nor intend to track my WW. Not worth the effort. I know I could, and she could as well, conceal an A. So, I focus on our relationship and how I am treated by her.

Faithful.. I am so sorry. He does not get it. Some people just don't. As WYE said, it is all about himself. sigh

Nell.. good for you. To be able to relax and not be tormented by the betrayal and all it entails anymore is super.

WYE

Been having a bad week. Or month. Feeling like he should be starting to make some kind of progress and he isn't. Then the whole ring thing....

I understand. Six months after DDay and WW does not seem to be making progress and is actually struggling more personally. But she still goes to IC. Missed it last week due to weather and disappointed. Went this week and did not feel helped.

m..

New beginnings? For the newbies, let me sum up:

Thanks for sharing. Both painful and entertaining. I can think of so many ways to get revenge but the sinking of his boat is the best (even if it was by OW).


Going to Vegas for a long weekend with the W. The hotels will have elaborate decorations for the Chinese New Year. We went last year (and WW was texting AP - unkonwn to me at the time) Maybe my fortunes will be good at the Black Jack tables this year. lol

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Love the graph. It really gives a visual picture to the emotions.
If you will feel more comfortable verifying your FWW activities, go for it. Peace of mind is priceless.

{{{WYE}}} I really truly understand how deeply hurt it is to have OW to have been in your house, using your things. NPD's OW was in my house too, "living" there, sleeping in my bed and the OC's sleeping in my DS's beds, cooking, eating, using my shower, etc etc. It's very, very painful. I hope you are seeing an IC to help deal with all of this. I believe those who had a BPD or NPD parent are "trained" to put up with all kinds of outrageous behavior and we put ourselves last and often act in codependent ways. Read as much as you can about NPD, it can help.

M3: There is so much loss for you. You are amazingly strong! Are you planning to buy a new house once the old one is sold? I pray you can make new memories to replace the painful ones.

Faithful: The best thing to do is the 180 for yourself. I hope that your WH is really in NC. It seems that you two are playing "brinkmanship" to see how far either of you will go. He has to make a decision that if he wants R, he has to work for it.

Nell: You are amazing!! You are doing great and I admire you so much for your strength.

Hopeandchange: I hope your stay in Vegas goes well. It can be a time that you and WW may be able to find what you enjoy about each other and an impetus to for her to give more in R.

As for me, I'm just feeling overwhelmed with everything. Trying to move myself forward emotionally and not get caught up in NPD's empty promises. Really trying to detach. He just told me he is staying for one more week. I thought BPD mom was a bottomless pit of need, but NPD tops it. The only difference is that he can charm his way into getting what he wants instead of being demanding like Mom. <sigh>
On the NPD thread, some wise soul posted that NPD's are like infants that they need so much time and attention, but the main difference is is that infants love you back.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all right. It is like a game to see how far we are willing to go.

I am willing to do what it takes and I am not the one who had/has an affair.

I am just so sick of fighting about it. Talking to a brick wall.

I am 180...but it hurts also. I am so lonely again, wondering why the hell I hold on... kids.. yes...believe in marriage.. yes.. Loved my life and family.. yes.... I love him... and I can see better for us in the furture if he ever gets it.... Just pray that he starts to see me as the queen I was to him SOON.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

The BPD boards I read and in most of the info about BPDs it is thought that they do not develop emotionally the same as normal past a early age. Usually caused by some sort of childhood trauma. They do seem childlike. I think it is in the cheaters handbook to be childlike. The double standard is just one of many ways they manage to behave like a child. One more week. I'm sure we will all be counting the days with you!

Tryn.

So it is the old "once bitten twice shy" thing. I get that. I think you have every right to check and I still say do it as descrete as you can.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
Don't be too impressed by my strength. I'm a cat on a hot tin roof today, for no good reason. Anxious and jumpy.

I made it through yesterday really well. Remembered a couple of times what happened two years ago, but without any emotions about it. Promptly forgot... even had a "what? oooh... right" when I read someone's good-for-you message. Put my earbuds in and listened to music while I worked. Was very productive, though I was dealing with my most challenging co-worker. Drove to my lawyer's office to drop off all the financial crap in the afternoon. Stopped by the grocery store on my way home for batteries for Boyo2 and bought myself some pumpkin donuts while I was at it. Had a glass of wine and a pumpkin donut and watched a few comedic sitcoms after I put the Boyos to bed while Mr. STBXNell left to go to the gym or wherever. I went to bed before he got home, which meant that I could do my regular getting-ready-for-bed thing without stumbling around in the dark, and I slept like a rock. Woke up riddled with anxiety. Argh. I feel like I drank a gallon of strong coffee today. The good news is that I'm dealing with it by going into overdrive on a few projects that have been dragging out far too long, and I even cleaned off my desk. I guess there is no bad news. I'm just dealing. I hate dealing, though.

I recently realized that a very good, very very close childhood friend (my cousin) probably suffers from bi-polar disorder, which might be why I'm willing to deal with wild mood swings and irrational behavior as if they're a normal part of my life instead of getting freaked out and running away. I hadn't thought about her in a long time because she refused to have anything to do with me for years, and suddenly she's back as of two days ago, chatting like nothing ever happened. Weird. But I never thought that was weird. It was just her. I don't know where I'm going with that. Just random thoughts.

Like I said, jumpy.

Okay. Enough pointless rambling.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been such a ridiculous week.

Started out terrible. I was okay yesterday, mostly because I made a decision not to talk about the affair at all. I'm just exhausted.

The ring thing really set the mood for the week....and fWHs reaction didn't help. I wanted him to get rid of it, asked him to more than once. He kept wanting the center stone re-set, couldn't grasp why the entire thing needed to go away. I want NOTHING out of it. Ever.

Then he actually was pissy that I got rid of it without asking him. Ummmmm, excuse me???? He didn't ask me before he gave it to the whore.

Hate this.

My father in law realized what a mess I was, and as expected laid into him yesterday. Maybe he'll get it now, maybe not. I just know that I can't keep doing this forever.

Talked to MIL today, apparently fWH is frustrated that I'm constantly bringing it up. Well, yeah. I told him I'd stop asking the same questions when his answers stopped changing. MIL thinks it shouldn't matter....but I tried explaining to her that it DOES matter and there's no way for her to know that unless she's been there. Besides, the questions I am asking aren't outlandish detail things.

I want to know if he loved her and when.

I want to know if he fell out of love with me before he screwed her for the first time.

I want to know why he didn't just leave if he was so damn miserable.

I want to know why he took our children to meet her more than once. If he's just a stupid ass that's one thing, but if he was testing the stepmom waters, it's something else entirely.

It's not like I'm grilling him on what he did October 2, 2009 or anything.

He's never consistently answered these questions, and I'm sorry....the answers matter.

MIL tried to tell me that it was a mistake, he said sorry and I needed to forgive him. Nope. Not a mistake. This was a choice that he made every.single.day for YEARS. Just saying sorry once isn't getting you off the hook.

Sorry....I'm just pissed off.

I'm tired of people who could never possibly understand telling me to get over it. No one can understand that while I may eventually be able to forgive the THINGS he has done, I can't just blindly accept the fact that he's lied to me for years. If he's unwilling to face the ugly truth about what he did and why, and make a real effort to change his behaviors, try to regain my trust, I simply cannot stay married to him.

And I won't.

It is not a threat...it's a promise I'm making to myself.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever

I am in the same boat. Actually I can't believe I am still in this mess. My choice to stay but when I bring up the affair it starts a fight, if I bring up us it starts a fight.

I am not sure how your WH is but mine is now in this:
We dont connect anymore, we are a mess, I dont know what I want, I am trying....

Really you are trying???? you wont get help, you shoot down everything, you think negitive about marriage and us.. I am the one who tries to get shot down.. Do they go through this with a withdrawl? I am not sure what the hell has happened to him. Before 2.5 yrs ago he was so in love with me, now it is like the affair sucked him dry of it. Do any of you or can tell me if this is what they are like when coming out of the affair? When he first started the affair he was all over me, loving overly loving, then went so cold and mean, then back to loving and now that it seems to have fizzled out lost its spark now I get the we dont connect, we are messed up, I just dont know... Like he wants to run away from it...

Any advice? and how do you detach and stop caring till this all stops and they get their head out of their ass?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I came up with a little experiment yesterday.

I want him to spend as much time on me as he did on her. Seriously, we are talking 15-20 hours a week between the phone calls, texting and in person bullshit. When they worked together, it was a whole lot more.

I want him to understand how much he took away from me and the kids. If he put half that much time into figuring out why he did this and how to fix what is broken in him, he'd make huge progress.

But I don't know how willing he is.

We'll see.

I just bought the Love Dare today.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE,
OMG, we watched fireproof the last week and he stated we should do the love dare, however, he wont do it yet.. he says in time...
I wish you luck on that.
We seem to be in the same boat.
HUGS to you also.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, Faithful....sounds like we are in the same place.

It's not a fun place to be, that's for damn sure.

Hang in there.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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