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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE,
I will been at this for 2.5 years knowing about it. Stupid on my part but in my mindframe at the time and for sometime was I was not going to let some stupid bitch take what I worked so hard for and my wh. I think it has hurt us in the long run, as he most likely feels he can do what he wants.
There are certin things I look back on and wish I would have done.. like left.... I had a deposit down on an apt but got so scared and even more hurt because he was not fighting for me. I could not believe it. After all these years together loving one another building a family and working our ass's off to be where we are and you toss me away like I was nothing for a person you dont know, for partying like your in college, listening to a woman who has no class, tact about herself, sleeps around, and you through your faithful, loving wife aside?

I always got the we are just friends speech but i was never invited with them, and he always lied, he would leave me crying to be with this bitch???? well I think that has all changed when he realised I was telling him the truth about her and what woman all want and that is not a friend but a partner, she wanted him to leave me, be with her and have a family with her and her daughter. GOD makes me sick when I think about it.

So as of now, I am not sure if they are no contact because I am told nothing expect that there is nothing going on anymore, and I do notice there is no texting as that is how they communicate. However, he has withdrawn from me sexually and is very quiet and stating what I told you above. Not sure anymore.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithful
I
am 180...but it hurts also. I am so lonely again, wondering why the hell I hold on... kids.. yes...believe in marriage.. yes.. Loved my life and family.. yes.... I love him... and I can see better for us in the furture if he ever gets it.... Just pray that he starts to see me as the queen I was to him SOON.

Yes, it can be painful. It was over 3 months post DDay before my WW really saw the destruction she had wrought. By that time, I had grieved over the lost marriage and all it meant. I had picked myself up, taking care of my needs, and moving forward with my life wheter or not WW was to be in it. That is when I turned the corner and started to relax and not be consumed by the A.

Yes, I lovethe same things you noted including my W but longing for her to "get it" only continued to devour me. Unfortunately, I no longer can depend on her to watch out for me the same as herself.

I still hope that my W does the work along with me and our relationship improves but I am no longer dependent upon it.

I wish you the best.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm working on getting myself to the point where I know I will be okay regardless of whether he ever gets it or not.

I mean, I still hope he does...


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE
I'm tired of people who could never possibly understand telling me to get over it. No one can understand that while I may eventually be able to forgive the THINGS he has done, I can't just blindly accept the fact that he's lied to me for years. If he's unwilling to face the ugly truth about what he did and why, and make a real effort to change his behaviors, try to regain my trust, I simply cannot stay married to him.

Spot on!!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cant read...have no head...shamelessly asking for hugs

i learned last nite that a dear old friend and mentor, someone i lost touch with except for the annual xmas card has died....way back when this man was like an older brother to me...he took me under his wing and taught me so much, i am so so saddened to have learned of his death.....because of losing touch i did not find out when it happened and only learned of it now, 6 months later...

those people you are always meaning to get in touch with, those people you swear you want to see.....he was one of those....

i have been crying non stop since learning the news...not going to be easy to concentrate in school today.....pfm this morning asked me if i wanted a hug...my immediate reaction was, "NO"....my heart is broken into more pieces then it was and yes i need hugs, but not from him, i still dont want the man to touch me, let alone hug me


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not good at being a sneak. Started operation NTTV,TTA yesterday and left a piece of the darn package out! W walked right by within two feet and didn't see. I thought, I am an idiot.

Oh well, We'll see.

Iwant, sorry to hear about your friend.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:41 AM, January 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((miracle))))
Cyber hugs not as satisfying as IRL hugs, but you've got some from me anyway.

tryn,
I was never good at hiding stuff, either! Mr. STBXNell, on the other hand, is super devious. Want me to ask him for some tips?

Faithful, h&c and WYE,
You've got it covered. The 180 will give you the space and self-attention you need to take care of you. You really have to do it when you're dealing with people like your WSs who aren't "getting it" because if you don't, you end up running yourself in circles and you'll tire yourself out but get nowhere.

I go in front of the magistrate in two hours for a "status check." I'm a little anxious about it. But if Mr. STBXNell and I can agree on everything, this will be the only in-person court date I will have to do. Think of me, please.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((iwam)), so sorry for you This reminds me to put more effort into those old, but meaningful relationships with those who mentored me through my youth, and to make sure everything is said before it is too late.

I hear the mission impossible theme as I read Tryn's post. I learned after dday that FWW is much better at covert and sneak actions than I will ever be. I really think we are at a disadvantage in that arena. Lying or compartmentalizing seems to come naturally to the WS, and FWW thought of all sorts of ways she could get caught that never would have occurred to naive me.

h&c

By that time, I had grieved over the lost marriage and all it meant. I had picked myself up, taking care of my needs, and moving forward with my life whether or not WW was to be in it.

That is about how it worked for me, except it took me about a year. Now FWW seems very interested in maintaining our M, but I travelled so far down the path of detachment as a protective measure when she was still blaming me and TT-ing, that I do not see her ever being able to catch up, and I am not inclined to walk back to where she is at.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back from court. Amazing how simple it was... working together, sharing info is helpful. In less than 15 minutes, it was over. Well... two years, two days and 15 minutes to get to this point if you want to be all technical.

Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn.

I am a moron when it comes to being sneaky. I would never be able to pull off a LTA since I would get caught in a few days. I might make it a week with 100% goodluck.

Nell.

I am impressed that you have it down to the minute. That is good. You can add exellent time keeping to the reasons Nell is going to be a good catch.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((iwam))))

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((miracle)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip,
Oh, yeah, I hear dudes dig women who know random anniversaries down to the minute.

ats,
How are you doing?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

Since I have tenure in the man's club I will tell one of our secrets. We really do dig a woman who can remember important dates. Some of us have a hard time in that area. Just remembering a certain date is hard enough. Being able to narrow it down to the minute, now that is special.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle and Nell. I'm thinking and praying for you tonight. Hope you're both doing OK.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{iwam}}}

Hurray for Nell!

Add me to the non-devious list! Esp. since my CFS/FMS brain fog and poor concentration make some days barely functional with the simple things!

At a HS girlfriend's for the wkend while my H goes to a business workshop an hour or so away so I'll catch up late Sunday.

Take care all. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the chart Tryn. Just about sums it up for me.

Haven't posted for a while, been so busy trying to find another job and dealing with another issue created by stbxh. So may not check in for a few weeks. However, I notice that there is a lot of anguish amongst you guys on LTA and I just want to say that I am thinking of you all and wishing you positive changes in 2012.

Had an emotional day with MIL today whereby I went round and tried to address some issues i.e. the fact that she is in total denial in regards to what her son has done. I was very gentle because it is not her fault of course, but I got emotional and tried to explain the impact this has had on me and her grandchildren over the past year. I asked her why she has not in all this time asked me how I am doing emotionally and of course I got the usual rugsweeping responses. Eventually I left, in tears but feeling good that I had at last addressed the "elephant in the room". I felt that that maybe the last conversation I would ever have with her but this evening she rang me and said that she couldn't understand why I got so upset. Once again, I explained. This time I think I may have broken through in a very small way. That is positive at least.

Onwards and forwards people. This is OUR year this year. It is a new beginning, whether we are attempting to R or just trying to feel our way towards a new beginning. Everything in life changes eventually, nothing is forever. It is the way we view things and the people that we take along the bridge with us that can make a difference.

Thanks for being there for me during this time.

Speak soon and hugs to everyone.


EJ xxxx


EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elle- Good post. A new year and new beginnings.
Glad that you had a chance to tell MIL how you have been feeling. She may or may not 'get it' but now hopefully, you can move on.
Do you want your children to continue to have a relationship with MIL?

Tryin- Good luck on the spy work. I totally understand your need to verify that she is being 100% honest and truthful at this point.
Unlike you... I think I would make a good spy or actually PI.
The things I did after d-day amazed even me! LOL I was able to get so much info. on the MOW etc. that I said this could be my next career.
A PI specializing in infidelity surveillance.

Miracle- I am so sorry about the loss of your friend and mentor. Please do not beat yourself up about the fact that you lost touch over the years. Remember you have been dealing with so much in your marriage..etc. I know your friend would understand.
Have you reached out to his family? And expressed to them how much he meant to you? I'm sure they would appreciate it- 6 months later or whenever.

Nell- I'm confused. Were you in court for a separation agreement? or is the divorce final already?

Honest- Hope Mr. Dishonest has left already! And..hope that you are feeling strong.

Faithful-
You have to implement the 180. And if that means he moves out then so be it. You cannot stay married while he is involved in an active affair. That is not a marriage. You and your children deserve much better.
James Dobson wrote a book: Love Must Be Tough. It outlines how and why a tough love (180) approach can help save your marriage. He is a Christian author.
SOmetimes you have to risk losing your marriage in order to save it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the shout-outs. Yesterday's court date was a status check... mandated in my state 40 days after the date of filing/answering to see if we're doing what we're supposed to do, set up temporary orders if necessary, etc. We both have lawyers, so if we can agree to everything we will not need to go back to court. We can just have our lawyers submit an order to somethingsomething that the judge signs. That will happen anytime after 91 days after filing. Everything looks good so far (as far as working togeher and agreeing to everything), so if we continue in this manner, D will be final in March. Whoa.

My mom is the family secretary. She reports that my dad recently asked her if I am really going through with this. Um, yes.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dipping in - been in JFO tonight b/c the catch up here looked daunting!

Hugs miracle. I'm sorry hon. It's always not quite the right time to pick up the phone or make that small detour to call in. And before you know it, a couple of year (or more) have gone by and then - that's it. They're gone and it's too late. But you kept in touch, kept him in your thoughts and you can do that now. Make peace with yourself and don't feel bad.
(((((miracle)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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