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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just some quick hugs.

So sorry about your friend Miracle. This will bring up a whole heap of emotions, so just allow yourself to feel them. You have had a major trauma in your life that has justifiably taken your time so don't feel guilty just make this year the year you spend reconnecting with old friends as part of your healing process.

Hugs to all


EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All afternoon together. Shoveled and hauled mulch for her garden then went to a movie she wanted to see this evening. Came home and steamed shrimp we picked up at the docks, had some sparkling wine. She says she is tired, palms my penis a couple of times and then goes in to bed and goes to sleep. WTF

No sex since before X-mas.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((IWAM)))) Thinking of you at this time.

Nell - way to go girl.

Ats - I'm afraif as someone whose no 1 love lanaguage is physical touch & who hasnt had any for countless years this is way tooooo much info for me Bro. Its just another incomplete pass in the life of an NFL player - it happens.shit at least you got off the bench i've been in the warm up pit for so long.

Take care tribe.

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Good to hear from you.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP:

At least you've found your way to the warm up pit. I'm the one still queuing for a ticket in the freezing cold, not sure if it would be better to change teams.

ATS:

My guess is that she just couldn't be bothered to reach for her napkin and your trousers just happened to be closer. Next time just leave the shrimp out of it, put the bottle of sparkling wine down your underpants and tell her that it's her turn to pour.


Good night campers.

EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats... A palm of P would have been a signal for me.

Of course, I haven't had a signal like that without my starting initiation I can remember. I'm suppose to see the signals and know what those are... I think a red dress is suppose to mean something. Oh well, maybe you shouldn't listen to me, what do I know?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin - a red dress - yours?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP.. Honestly, I think my W may have some lesbian in her mind? Maybe a red dress might peak some interest? Although what is under the dress would not give her what she may really need. My W had a best friend from kindergarten through High School. They practically grew up inseparable. Her friend dated guys back then, but never really carried on a permanent relationship.

Today, and for years now, her best friend is in a long term relationship with a woman. Yep, she is a lesbian. This could be my W inside? I have asked her if she has ever had sex with a woman and she says not that I can remember. Too me, Ok that means yes. I figured childhood experimentation… so what? But just maybe so much more may be in her head.. too afraid to goto IC for fear they will tell her to leave me?

I think back and she wanted me so bad way back then because I was the kind of man who was nice, going to be stable, good family, etc… I didn’t know it at the time but I rescued her from a BF who hit her, got her pregnant, BFF lesbian.. All a secret from me until we are engaged/or married. I didn’t even ask my W to marry me. She questioned me and I said, So when are we getting married. Never on my knees…. And me, I was my normal happy good, nice man who did exactly what a good H and father needed to do. No, I did not deserve this in my life. Oh well, no need to revisit those days gone by.

Today, 3 years post dday, I have a GPS tracker in her car looking for maybe my escape. Maybe it is me inside who now does not want this relationship in my soul somewhere?

Just here to say, something is still missing. Am I looking for something? Am I too unreal at my age to want a Sexy, forward, really wanting to be with me kind of woman.. etc... Thing is, Life is really good for me right now. My DS is about to grad and already has a great job. DD is doing great. Not a money worry in the world. Nice everything. W who treats me very good today. I'm not hurtng any more. I'm not unhappy, it more like something is not being filled in some way. It's 90%. I'm I suppoe to accept that feeling too after accepting so much up to this point?

I confess.. Although I am never turned down for sex, I have caught her so many time saying a quick NO, only to quickly change her mind and say yes. I have tried ats, No initiation, and it seems weird. It’s kinda like we both at the same exact time initiate but inside I think it is me. "reading " the red dress. And many people think it is the man’s job to initiate. So I do my job and yes, in romantic ways. WTF am I doing? Our M is so much more that sex... but this continues to be a problem for me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:58 AM, January 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, listen. At least you're still getting some. I am waiting for my honorary virginity certificate to arrive in the mail any day now.

tryn,
I think the possible lesbian theory is a bit of a stretch, don't you?

Maybe it is me inside who now does not want this relationship in my soul somewhere?

Have you sat down and put into words everything you desire from "a marriage"? It's quite helpful. Difficult to do, but quite helpful and could be eye-opening for you. It was for me. PM me if you want resources.

Also, I am entirely unimpressed by the weekend's football games. Those who shoulda won didn't, and those who shouldn'ta won did.

But I did get together with my regular neighbor folks to watch the game on Saturday, which was fun. So there is that.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm rapidly approaching the plain of lethal flatness.

We are reading through the Love Dare, he's doing everything it says without whining that it's a religious book (which is huge for him).

I'm just wondering now what the point is. Even if he did everything right for the rest of his life, would it ever be enough?

He's been great the last few days...but I haven't really cared. Too little, too late? I don't know.

Having a hard time also because a good friend of mine is dealing with her FIL being diagnosed with very advanced stage 4 cancer. Her husband struggles with depression and she is afraid of how he will manage through it. All I can think of is that he's lucky. At least he has an emotionally available spouse to help him through this.

Me? The entire time my dad was sick, from diagnosis, to almost dying from respiratory failure, to chemo, to going onto hospice and dying holding my hand....fWH was not there for me at all. He was never there.

Which is really shitty on his part, obviously....but also points out the fact that I got through it just fine without him.

It just hurts.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL Nell... Thanks for that laugh. Nell... Actually, things are going really well around here. If you were going to have a great M, I have it right now. True. It really doesn't matter what happened 30 years ago.

I did think about you when Houston laid that egg. Now you guys gonna have to face Payton next year and back to the old 2nd place in the conference.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just here to say, something is still missing. Am I looking for something?
Yes, but I reckon that “something” will always be missing. It is that something you thought you had, only to find that it was an illusion. It’s the want for what you thought you had that makes you think it’s missing. Contentment? That warmth that you feel when you are secure in your marriage. The knowledge that the person who stands beside you has your back has actually, surprisingly, stabbed you in the back. So that 100% trust has gone. And so has the security.

My problem with sex is that my WH used it as a tool (no pun intended!). He had sex to keep MOW in her place, to reassure her that he loved her, that he wanted sex with her because he loved her and she was sexy and desirable. He used sex with me to keep some semblance of normality, even though he was detached and I often felt used. While we were HBing, it was good. Now I’m back to feeling used again. It’s as if he’s saying “we’re having sex, so that must mean we’re okay.” And, to be honest, it's boring and predictable.

And I STILL wonder why he was having sex with MOW if he was trying to end it. I mean, really. It couldn't have been that bad for him, could it??? Surely if he wanted to ditch her, he only had to treat her as badly and off hand as he did me - job done!

Gotta go. He’s on his way home.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I STILL wonder why he was having sex with MOW if he was trying to end it. I mean, really. It couldn't have been that bad for him, could it??? Surely if he wanted to ditch her, he only had to treat her as badly and off hand as he did me - job done!

Oh, this.

I get that all the time too...how he wanted her to just go away, how he was done with her. It wasn't fun anymore, he wasn't happy....

Never stopped him from having sex with her.

He never did anything that would have given her the impression he was done with her. He jumped whenever she said, he gave her everything she wanted, he spent so much time with her.

He didn't leave me, even when she gave him ultimatums.

And that's supposed to make me feel like he's devoted to me. Riiiiiight.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn.

Is this missing or empty feeling age related? Could it partly be because of moving from one stage of your life to another? Your children are almost on their own. They have had one foot out of the nest for awhile but now they are closer to making the full exit. Sometimes these stages of life can leave a different feeling than what we expect. Even though we see these things coming, they can still trip us up. I think that all this A shit may make handling these matters a little harder. Like UKgirl said, something is always missing.

Nell.

I did not know that there was such a thing as honorary viriginity certificates. Thanks for that info. I learn something new everyday.

miracle.

For what ever reason I think most of us do not do a good job of keeping in touch with old friends. It is so easy to put things like this on the back burner.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't leave me, even when she gave him ultimatums. And that's supposed to make me feel like he's devoted to me. Riiiiiight.
Yep. Ditto. He was “never going to leave” me. He said he told her that too. Which was somewhat at odds with his proposals of marriage and the plan to run off into the sunset to their rose and honeysuckle cottage. And when she did push him to the edge by silent phoning the house, he confessed, but kept a foot in both camps by not going NC for 10wks. The stupidity and selfishness and fog and ego-tripping was mind numbing. Oh, and there was the classic “I never stopped loving you.” Puh-leeze!

Well, please send me your spare mojos, prayers and good thoughts. I’m having to go back down to my Mum’s tomorrow to help with paperwork after Dad’s death last month. My twin brother has been down over the weekend and cleared up a load, but Mum’s still fretting about getting letters out, insurances, memberships etc changed to her, ensuring she understands all the bank stuff, popping stuff to the solicitor, etc. Hopefully, this will tail off as time goes on and the onslaught of paperwork arriving on the doormat diminishes.

I’m never going to catch up at this rate!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:41 PM, January 16th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
I hate to admit this, but I'm a Broncos fan. Well... sorta. I almost defected earlier this year. I might still. Freakin' Tebow. Learn to pass. Pie Jesu. His throws are so wobbly they make my beer bottles fall off the TV.

UKgirl,
Hugs to you and your family as you deal with all the bills, legal matters, etc. etc. I hope Mr. Girl is being There For You.

WYE,
Mr. STBXNell was never there for me, either. He'll admit that when pressed. But then turn right around and insist that he's not selfish; he just [insert something far less assholey than what actually happened] and I misunderstood. Bad, bad Nell. Such a bitch. Anyway... we weren't talking about me. It sounds like your WH is making some very good strides. A few steps backwards from time to time, sure... but mostly forward momentum, yes?

miracle,
I hope you have taken the time to remember your friend fondly, as I'm sure he did of you. Do not let guilt get in the way of your celebration of his life.

Lets see...
"I was never going to leave you" [check]. He and she talked repeatedly about how he would move into her house, he would have joint custody of our children (who would be fine with this), they would go on vacations and how much money they would have at their disposal. But it was only idle talk, not plans. And he was never going to actually DO it.

"I always told her that I loved you." [check] I find that so creepy and gross. But then I have problems sharing [expletive] with someone else and apparently she was okay with that, too. So perhaps we have different standards.

dip,
I can't remember if it's honorary virginity or re-virginity. I'll let you know when the certificate arrives. Any day now. *sigh*


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I guess he is making forward progress. We have plans to go out this weekend.

We are going to the place he took her for "their" anniversary last year. It's a restaurant he knew I wanted to go to, have never been.

I actually brought it up, and though I know it will be emotional to go there, I kinda feel like I have to. Reclaiming it, taking it away from them, whatever. I just hope it's not a terrible idea.

Good luck UKGirl...will be thinking of you for sure.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
{{{{{Miracle}}}}}

{{{{Nell}}} I'm glad all went well at court.

Tryn, perhaps the feeling that there is something missing may not have to do with your M. I think a lot of WS's feel there is something missing and blame it on their spouse. Perhaps it may help to go to a few IC sessions to discuss your feelings. I think verifying your wife's movements will help you feel more secure.

NPD is still here. I'm still very confused in my emotions as usual. He is supposedly leaving this coming Sunday.

Hugs to all that are in pain. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a crappy realization last night.

fWH didn't leave OW1 for me. He left OW1 for OW2.

He only stopped the underground contact with OW2 when he got caught, then he spent the next six weeks looking for her online until I hacked his phone and found that out too.

He didn't want me.

I'm third choice.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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