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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - I'm pretty sure the manufacturers recommend taking the shirt off before its ironed.
WW has never ironed in her life so we never tried that one.

WYE - have fun with the labeller.

((EJ)) Take care


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: yup you is wherein some bitch boots....and yup they suit you well!!

wye: m3 is so right...its going to be quite a while if ever that you feel like yourself again....i think we end up feeling like ourselves again with some modifications....sometimes the modifications are huge...and sometimes the modifications are not....like one of my new ones is i now curse like a sailor and it hasnt gotten any better......of course i still have lots of anger...

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Post Note: The ironing board idea is not that great by the way, not for the woman anyway . In later years we used the ironing board to put up against the bedroom door in the middle of the day just in case one of the kids disturbed us. I remember one afternoon we snuck off for a quickie whilst the kids were playing Nintendo (the eldest was about 10 at the time). Just when we were about to get down to business there was an almightly crash and the ironing board went flying across the room. There stood our eldest with a curious look on his face saying "Why is the ironing board up against the door and why is Dad naked?"

Is it any wonder that people's sex lives go downhill once kids arrive!

EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats... Good for you. I do think it's a choice to decide if you want to be in a marriage with sex or not.

I think these stats are fair. I guess your W is half right. 54% of M folks in my age make love to their H weekly or more. I’m not complaining this cannot be the case with me. But within me, I just think she can show me she wants me if she really wants me. Why should I accept not having the best possible relationship for me? After what we have been through? It’s a change for her. I try hard to have fun with all the things she thought she wanted from me. Shopping, more time, talking, less work, more deep intimacy, etc.. I have learned and doing it.

Anyways, I had a chance last night to bring it up again while watching The Bachelor. An obviously aggressive woman on show the bachelor likes. I said to my W, men like that kind of behavior. You can be aggressive to me too.
She said, “she is not like her.”
I said, “this a choice.”
She said, “she is more subtle, like the southern girl lightly placing her hand on the bachelors back.”
I think, “Yes, I am suppose to read her mind every time she puts her hand on my back she wants sex.”
She then says, “you can find a woman like that”
I said, “I want you to be that woman”


So that is where I am at… GPS and thinking about finding a woman who might want me make me completely happy vs partly happy. Inside maybe wishing and hoping I will find something that says my W is still cheating adn a solid reason to turn my life up side down. Maybe I want a change right now.

M3.. I can take a bitch boot up my ass.. Lol… Retrou says trust is a choice. No, I’m not trusting right now. But I do know when you look and don’t find, you feel better.

As Elljay says, I am going to open up my feelings communicate whether she likes it or not. I get the push backs like she said last night but honestly, it not good for our M and a time will come maybe I will pack my bag and give it try to start something new. If I don’t like what who she is, at least I communicated and gave her the change in the open and not secret. Maybe then I may accept being told to “look elsewhere” and what is the risk, If I find someone new, great, If I don't finding someone better, heck can always say just like she told me, I want you back. Then again, maybe I will be like allgood, I won't want her back.

Let me asked you fine ladies a question. Am I asking too much? Honestly now, is taking 30-45 minutes a week that difficult to make it some fun? Can't that be just a placed on a phone alarm, I am going to intentionally love (get my emotions up for)my H this week by doing something fun... When he comes home I'm gonna be up ironing shirts, only to surprise! aIi'm going to rock his world so he knows I want him... Is it that hard for her to say, "come on up, I got something for you to iron. once or twice a month?

Thanks guys for being Iron solid and for being my sounding board. Iron board tribe solid!!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:02 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,

When FWW pointed out stats that supported her assertion that sex once a month or so was normal for people her age I did not argue with her, but said I was not trying to be normal, I was trying to be in a fulfilling M.

She said, “she is more subtle, like the southern girl lightly placing her hand on the bachelors back.”

I would get this too, that FWW had offered some subtle (to me) hint that she was receptive to sex. I told her after all of the times she agreed to have sex some evening, and then when the time came she said she was too tired or found other things to do, that I needed more commitment than a subtle sign.

Here is another thing that factored into R for FWW and I. She has told me that she really enjoyed (at the time) the excitement of being with someone new. I remember that from when we were dating, and I have been jealous of that. In the last year, I flirted with some OW. I wanted to feel that excitement. Fortunately (?), these OW had good boundaries and nothing happened, but I still want to feel that exciting love. After a 20 year dysfunctional M, being able to R for me requires a “re-launch”, including some excitement and fireworks with my FWW. If we had a healthy 20 year M I could understand being content with steady, but we did not. I believe it will help us both to recommit if we can rekindle those early in love feelings for a bit as we recommit to the rest of our lives.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:59 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - Pre-A...I was the intiator. I was always thinking of things to do to spice it up.

But then the A started and things changed. Dumb me couldn't figure out what was happening. At one point I thought it was me and went to IC, tried to get H to IC, yelled, screamed, saw an attorney, then withdrew and decided that maybe it was his mid-life crisis and he would come out of it. I did my thing, kids, school, work and all the while he was living another life.

I do not feel in love with him and probably never will. Too much hurt and anger still.

My desire for sex has died and I can't figure out if it's hormones, age, or just the A. Of course if you don't feel the same towards your spouse how can you have desire? I dream of what it would be like to start over also.

30 minutes per week is not asking too much. My H loves when I initiate and I have stopped. He now complains that I do not make him feel wanted.

I don't know if this makes sense, but every other thing in my life is good. We get along, we work well together, we love our family, we have fun together. It's in our best interest (financially) to stay together. The part that is missing is the intimacy. I have no desire to be loving towards him.

If I did have loving feelings, it would probably be more than 30 minutes a week of fun time. I miss the fun.

I'm concerned that maybe your W does not have desire towards you. Is she communicating her true feelings? Maybe I'm off the mark here but she should be the one trying very hard to make you feel loved. Do you think she is not being honest with you?

I have been honest with my feelings towards my H, I have told him how I feel.

(((((tryn))))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
Let me asked you fine ladies a question. Am I asking too much? Honestly now, is taking 30-45 minutes a week that difficult to make it some fun?

You already know my answer, but for the record... NO, this is not asking too much.

Now, whatcha gonna do about it?

ETA: OH MY GAWD. More than 70% of single women in my category have not had sex in the past year?!?!?!
ARGH!!!!
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 11:07 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
Well, not sure if I belong here now but now he wants a divorce cause we just don't click, swear he is not involved anymore with anyone.

I need some advice... what is this about? Is this a withdrawl, messed up thinking, what is it?

Here I thought we were makin progress, is this part of a LTA? I need some advice from you that have dealt with the LTA's as I feel they are a little different.

He is also play victiam as he is stress and worried like me and we just dont get along is what he told me today.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems I picked the wrong week to try out ironing board sex (IBS). She came home not feeling very good and with her bitch boots on. They were really bitch hip waders. IBS was totally out. In fact I did not want her near anything that could cause me harm. I will put IBS on hold till the weekend.

nofun.

I think the industrial strength board is a good idea. I may need to go shopping.

Deep.

Real men just leave the shirt on while it is being ironed. It is even more manly if done while drinking beer and grilling.

Ellejay.

IBS is not that good? I think I will need to get a 2nd opinion. You are supposed to use vaseline during sex. You rub it on the bedroom door knob so the kids can't open the bedroom door.

Tryn.

Remember it is hard to make someone change. Your W may just be passive about this matter. It is hard to understand but it may just be the way it is. Most women grow up being shown that us guys are the chasers. At least she is not turning you down when you want it.

Ats.

I have had it happen where I thought she was ready for sex when she was not or her mood changed happen too. It is not cool and it is really not cool when this happens after the ED pill is taken. You get those side effects and spend the money for nothing.

Maybe you and tryn should both be more open to the approach of get it if you can, enjoy it and don't worry about who started it. Life is short and you are not getting any younger! IBS not required.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats... Maybe you and tryn should both be more open to the approach of get it if you can, enjoy it and don't worry about who started it.


...this thread has just taken a disturbing turn...

Faithful,
I'm sorry; I don't have any advice for you. Mr. STBXNell never wanted to D me (once D was an actual option, anyway). But... oh, I do have advice for you. *whew* Stop worrying about what WH wants/doesn't want/thinks/doesn't think and figure out what *YOU* want. And act from that.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,

Of course if you don't feel the same towards your spouse how can you have desire?

I suspect that you can't. Our MC said that at least for wives sexual desire is the first thing to go when the relationship is in trouble, and the last thing to return once the relationship is healing. This too is part of the reason that an engaged physical relationship between FWW and I is important to me if we are together.

Faithful w/Love,

... what is this about? Is this a withdrawl, messed up thinking, what is it?

FWW would bring up D when she thought that was what I wanted; she brought it up when IC became very intense for her; she brought it up when she became frustrated with me wanting more from her.

In your sich? It is hard to say from here. Maybe NC has not been complete. Maybe he is realizing what will be necessary to R, and would rather give up than do the work. Maybe it was an exit A and he wants you to pull the trigger.

...worried like me and we just dont get along...

This is too general to be helpful. Can he tell you what is he worried about? In what ways do you no longer get along? Is it your lack of trust? You expecting changes in him? What specifically? I suspect that you will find that whatever these issues are, they are his issues and not something you can fix. During the first year after dday FWW repeatedly said we would do OK if I just smiled more. That was all we needed for her to be in love with me and make everything better.

Stop worrying about what WH wants/doesn't want/thinks/doesn't think and figure out what *YOU* want. And act from that.

^^^^^ This


Dip,

I was going to grill you on how the IBS went, but now I will have to wait to find out if the steam setting is used.

... and don't worry about who started it.

I have to worry about this, because FWW has been very clear that she feels pressured when I initiate sex, and that feeling pressured evolves into resentment. This may change at some time in the future, but for now it is on her to be the initiator. Now this does not mean I do not give her a hug or a kiss from time to time, and if she escalates I will usually go along. Even a hug or kiss though, these are things I do because I like them. She does not particularly enjoy being hugged by adults, including me. She says lately that she is better at this, and has encouraged me to give her a hug when I want to, but it does not come natural to her.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are supposed to use vaseline during sex. You rub it on the bedroom door knob so the kids can't open the bedroom door.

She came home not feeling very good and with her bitch boots on. They were really bitch hip waders

OMG Dip!!! I needed that laugh!!! I haven't really laughed in a long time!!

Faithful: Yes, you belong here even if WH wants a D. This is a LTA forum and there is a lot to deal with with a LTA. The only thing I can suggest is that you may try to talk more with WH and let him know that it is not to change his mind, but to bring clarity and closure for you. For him, he may be more open to talk because he will not be worried about getting "blame". (it is so hard for the WS to take ownership of the blame). If the communication lines are open, it can be helpful no matter what you decide to do. I agree 100% with Nell. You need to decide what you need to do for YOU.

Tryn: I used to be guilty about not "feeling in the mood". I used to say to NPD that it was like feeling tired and not feeling like going to a party, but once I got there, I had a good time KWIM?
I know feeling "sexy", a least for me, has a lot to do with loving feelings in general, security in the relationship, feeling good self esteem about myself, not feeling "fat" or otherwise undesirable. The majority of that has to do with ME and MY problems. Tryn, I think it would be helpful if you and your FWH went to a sex therapist. This is deeper than it seems. There seems to be an unsaid struggle here about who is initiating, about your language of love, an underlying resentment, etc. Tryn, you have said that in most areas you are happy/satisfied in the marriage right now, but this. You have come so far, keep going. Don't be walking on eggshells around each other and relax and enjoy each other.

"Why is the ironing board up against the door and why is Dad naked?"
Is it any wonder that people's sex lives go downhill once kids arrive!


Ellejay: LOL!! That is soooo funny.

Miracle: I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. I haven't been on in a while and just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nofun: It's good to see you again. Let us know how things are going with you. You sound strong.

Nell: I think of you often and you are being so strong and doing great.

As for me, NPD went home Sunday, thank God. He acts all sweet and nice and then drops bombshells on me. He is going to bring OW and OC's here during the summer for "only 3 weeks". He wants me and the DS's to go back overseas so the DS's can go to school there. Mr. Wonderful seems to think that I should be happy with what I have and half of him is better than having nothing at all. Better than being divorced. He doesn't love her, he tells me, yet according to the phone records, he called her several times a day, usually a half hour + call and then several calls a day adding up to an hour or more on average. Sometimes 40-45 minutes, then an hour later another 20 minutes or 15 and 10 and 10......
Sorry, I'm rambling. Yes, I guess I need the 2 x 4's. I constructed my own little dream world, but the real world keeps intruding....

Mom needs to stay long term in the nursing home, they said she needs 24 hour care. Of course she believes I'm in cahoots with the physical therapists and told them to say that.
I feel like I'm a sand castle trying to stand up to the waves of need from her and NPD.

I have to change from within.

{{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

Sorry that I disturbed you or anyone else. Hopefully I will not do that again.

Ats.

I don't know if she will go along with the IBS. She will want to know where I got that idea. The truth would not be good. I doubt she would be ready for any kind of sex if I told her I got the IBS idea from a woman named Ellejay that I met on the internet.

So you are in sort of a catch 22 situation. You can't initiate cause it pressures her and she is not a good initiator so nobody gets to hit the play button. I can relate to the catch 22 situations. I don't have this one but I run into these quite often.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip,
You know I was all smartass and "funny," right? I was laughing.

I'm feeling very clever and smartassy today, but no one seems to think that I'm as hilarious as I know I am. This must be them, right? Not me...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and she is not a good initiator so nobody gets to hit the play button.

That's about it, although I can press the eject button if I get tired of waiting for her.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my goodness.

Ironing boards and vaseline and bitch boots and waders.

Thanks for the laughs today, everyone.

Faithful....just hang in there. Whether you are D, R, S or have no idea where you are, you belong down here with us in LTA.

I think you need to focus more on what you want, and less on what he wants right now. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you'll find that realizing they (the WS) aren't always the center of our (the BS) universe, helps in the process of extracting their head from their arse.

Don't count on it though....some of them see awfully determined to keep it there.

((((Faithful))))

Welcome to the coolest club you never wanted to join. We have vaseline here.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 5:26 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok everyone... this thread is too funny! Only problem is that IBS means something other than ironing board sex in my world! And I can't imagine the ironing board as a place for sex even when I was only 110 pounds. Still, I am so glad that 'Laughter being the best medicine' applies here in LTA on occasion.

Dip & Nell... my dad would have said 'you had razor blades for breakfast'... referring to the sharp-witted humour.

Faithful... no advice but you are most welcome here, D or not. Several of us are card carrying members of more than one forum... with LTA as our home away from home... in my opinion anyway.

Tryn... that chart is pretty informative!

On the subject of initiating (maybe TMI): I don't anymore. A case of too many failed attempts leading to major frustration on his part (before the little ED pill) and his secrecy about seeing the Dr. for the problem without letting me know. Then one day he comes home with a video and sample pills. I think the ED had some bearing on his A - nothing I did would convince him that ED didn't make him "less than". He still doesn't tell me that he's taken the pill or hint that he has. He has taken the pill, made a bit of an overture... then fallen asleep! That is really flattering... NOT. If he`d give me a `heads up` (oops, a pun) when he takes it, I`d be more willing to initiate, knowing that. I empathize with you Dip; from the other side of the fence.

Oh well...

I have had it happen where I thought she was ready for sex when she was not or her mood changed happen too. It is not cool and it is really not cool when this happens after the ED pill is taken. You get those side effects and spend the money for nothing.

Dinner calls. Later.,,


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BlairW
♀ Member
Member # 34575
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newbie here just saying hi. Someone in JustFoundOut recommended I post here. WH had a LTA during the entire duration of our M and I didn't even have a clue even though there were many things wrong and missing in our marriage I thought we were in it together but he was never in it. He had another option the whole time and I was suffering alone. This is a very long thread so i haven't read it all but the recent posts are quite funny and have cheered me up a bit so thanks. It's good to know that there are good people out there who can relate to my situation. I really thought it was unique and I thought affairs, if they happened, were short temporary flings or one party would leave the marriage. I never heard of a situation before where a married person would carry on a double life for so long without the other spouse knowing or suspecting something. I've been feeling so stupid.


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay: 10/11
Divorced 10/12
Married 6 years, together 12 years. No kids.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun, Can I pick your brain because your feelings seem to be the same as my W’s. So, can you make the choice to just be sexy, initiate, plan a romantic evening just once every month or two. A thoughtful choice to just do it just so you will please your H. Set it in your planner to alarm you, so you can just do it? Or, is the feeling that bad, no way?

Dip.. I hear ya.

Losts… I understand.

Nell, After 3 hours of Dr. Laura therapy during my long drive today, let me tell ya what I am going to do. I am going to plan something kinda romantic. Then afterwards, I am gonna sit up and say, I would feel great if you planned something like that for me. We’ll see what that brings. Maybe the ole ats “pressure” Who knows.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey BlairW

I know your feelings. Every one of them. It’s not going to be easy. How old are you Blair? I see you have no kids.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:22 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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