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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
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Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BlairW, welcome (?, sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us)

Late tonight, but I will be back tomorrow.

Night all, Dip's post got me thinking and a little aroused, so I have my waders out, the ironing board set up, and the vasoline ready, and I am waiting for FWW.

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so I have my waders out, the ironing board set up, and the vasoline ready[

Ats - as I was reading that for some reason my mind brought up an image of Jennifer Love Hewitt in "I know what you did last summer"
ummmm could be an interesting remake especially for Jennifer

[This message edited by deeppurple at 10:08 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)]

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Blair....sorry you've had to join us.

At least we are funny.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage guys got busy again....

blair: welcome to our little corner of si.....there are a few of us here whose ws's had their secret lives from the get being one of them...and i didnt find out til just over 3 years ago....and i was married for almost 20 years when i found out....IT SUCKS...there is nothing that makes that better, we dont have a before and thats a super rough one to deal with.....

if you have not already been to the healing library, then go there and read it all....

take care of yourself, eat, hydrate and get some exercise if possible....your mind, your heart and your soul are in the middle of a huge take care of the rest of "you"...

faithful: no matter your marital status...this is the lta thread...and its a sich that we deal with for quite a you come here for as long as you need to, even if its forever....which is how i feel....i rarely venture to other threads anymore...this on si is home to me....

wye: my gosh, i am so proud of you....the advice you are giving when you your self are still a "newbie" will be ok you know...the clarity that you have at this stage of the process is remarkable

(((honest))....well i have to disagree with your phrasing a bit...

He acts all sweet and nice and then drops bombshells on me.

this is your pattern together....he does this to you everytime, and you keep right on falling for it everytime expecting it to be different....and i am so so sorry never will know who he is and it sucks that he is not the man you though he was, could be or should be.....and as long as you keep accepting it, he will never change, and even when you finally stop accepting it, he will never change.....

i am glad he went back and i hope he stays away until summer....and honestly i hope he never comes back, at least not for your end...your kids, yes...he is still their dad...

recharge your batteries, and stock up on the charge.....


tryn: i admit i only skimmed...but i believe you have a question out there..

i can only tell you from my experience...before i found out who pfm really was, my sex drive died...pfm killed it because of the emotional and verbal abuse he flung at me daily...and when i say "died" i mean totally dead....prior to the nite i became a 'hole' i was a very sexual being....sysematically it died......a piece at a time, a day at a the point of non-existance...

when i found out about pfm its like something that had long been buried arose....and my sex drive came back...and not bit by bit like it left...but full on...and is still with i guess in a way i reclaimed a part of who i was with the discovery....

but that is from the perspective a "bs"...the perspective of a "ws", in particular of a "ww" imo is somewhat different..and from all you have posted in the past i get the impression that the dialogue your wife has with herself is "emotional and verbal" abuse in its own way....i believe her issues are not with you but with herself, whether its part guilt, part insecurity, part forth and so on...i believe it all adds that now add menopause, either she is in it or approaching now hormones are also in the equation.....

your wife would probably benefit greatly with some ic, mixed in with some self "tlc"...but since she is unwilling to go, the only place she may find some solace and retrieve that which is somewhat elusive to you both it "self tlc"....but if her dialogue that she constantly runs with herself does not change then nothing else will either...

i hope it all didnt sound like a ramble...

fun...its so so good to hear from you...

as for your sex life...that may be a case of trying to fake it til you make it...question...when you actually get going do you enjoy it? honest was talkin bout!!!..and i am at least happy that the rest of it is working.....its a start

lostsuol: good to see you too....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you miracle. I hope so. God, do I hope so.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks trynhard. We are both in our early thirties. No kids, due to his refusal although he had agreed he wanted them before marriage and every year during marriage he would promise next year as the time was never right career-wise, financially, geographically -every excuse basically. Now he says its because he wanted to end the affair first. Now he wants to have a baby with me, after i've found out! It's like he wants to trap me in this marriage as he he knows I have no real reason to stay. I have told him I will not even consider bringing a child into this mess now. Its sad because it's something i've always wanted and really thought I was marrying a family man who wanted the same things.

Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay: 10/11
Divorced 10/12
Married 6 years, together 12 years. No kids.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Interesting that now he wants to have children....

I'd completely be questioning his motivations if I were you. I will tell with you that with all honesty, I would have been gone more than once by now if it wasn't for my kids.

I feel like I have to stay and fight and try everything I can to preserve their family unit, even if at times my gut has told me to walk out the door and never look back.

In a lot of ways, if this works, it will only be because of my children forcing me to get through it.

I hope that I can, someday, get my family back.

If what you've wanted for this whole time is a family, can you ever see yourself wanting it with him?

Clearly I don't mean for you to be anywhere near answering that question right now, in fact, I'd argue that you shouldn't. Everyone around here says to wait about six months before making any significant decisions about major life things. It's just something to think about.

I'd be angry that he strung you along, waiting to decide when he was done having his fun on the side, and only then would he grow up and start a family.

Ugh. I am so very sorry.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Friends

Welcome Blair. My FWH was at it for 16+ years (M for 29) with at least 3 (4? more?) OWs. If someone told me 20 tomorrow the whole time we were married and dating I wouldn't be surprised. I found out ALL and he denied ALL. So who knows? I don't think I will ever be sure. Anyway honey I can relate.

Tribe I am sorry I have been out of touch and thanks to those who have pm'd with concerns.

The rollercoaster has been rough and I've been trying to ride it out.

I have read daily and rejoiced in your progress and cried from your pain.

Most of all I have laughed with you:

From ironing boards to labellers,

From tough ladies with bitch boots and strong men with charts, to subtle southern girls lightly placing their hands on bachelors backs and fine ladies with phone alarms for sex

From tough men getting ironed with shirts on and grilling and having sex the whole time, to people putting vaseline on door knobs

I love you all. You keep me sane. You make life worth living.

As a short term lurker I have learnt how much the tribe can keep a BS in despair going. There is a place for you all in heaven.

At Laura's Place

Lots of blue triangles have hatched.

I have lost count of how many baby FDs and FCs we have hatched. It must now be in the hundreds. No baby FG. Probably because we don't have a fgander!!!! FWH has placed advertisements for the babies on the internet but no responses yet!!! They cost more to feed than we do so perhaps we will be starting to eat them soon!! but I will NOT PLUCK THEM!!!!

FWH has built a bird feeder and installed a bird bath for me. We now often sit on the veranda and watch the parrots and other birds feed and drink. It does bring me some peace.

Found out recently that OW3 (the one he LOOOOOOVED the most and considered leaving me for) has been struck by tragedy. Her son who was a drug addict has died. I think he was in his late 20's. Suspect either suicide or drugs. I have hated this woman, had fantasies about hurting her so many different ways but never this.

I have sympathy for his sister, his girlfriend, his daughter (about 6yrs old I think) but feel nothing for OW3.

I wonder what is going through her mind? Does she ever think "What did I do to deserve this?"

As well, I just received a message from a very dear friend. We have kept in touch since she left town about 20 years ago. I have not told her of FWH's betrayal (she and her H always loved him).

She wrote:

"I am sorry to tell you that Brian died suddenly of a heart attack......He dropped me at work at 7.30 in the morning and wasn't there to pick me up in the afternoon... When I finally got home I found him dead on our bed.....We were married for 40 years.... We lived with and for each other and never needed anything else."

She went on to write about the wonderful life they had together, what a wonderful father he was, how much they loved and supported each other and how much she and the children will miss him.

As you can imagine, her letter brought me to tears - mostly for Brian's death and her loss but also for the loss of such feelings and thoughts in my own M. I know that with a truly remorseful S one should "move on" but it leaves such a hole in my heart to know I will never feel as she does. I also lost another dear friend last year - a wonderful father and faithful H. I almost envy their wives.

Anyway tribe I am OK. I am here, will post (and provide pics when I can) and have you all in my prayers



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlairW... Nothing wrong with giving your H a second chance.

Iwant and Honest... Thanks for those words. I suppose I need to balance all this out and just be as kind as I can be. Being dick head won't get you anywhere.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, can you make the choice to just be sexy, initiate, plan a romantic evening just once every month or two.

I can and I have. I have also been faking it in hopes of making it as Miracle has suggested. It just doesn't work. I've lost those loving feelings with H. I suspect it may never return.

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not much school similarityis astounding....i have3 kids...all at my insistance...sort was me who wanted and said it was time.....he went along, but was not happy about it.....wanted to wait....then for the last kid, i asked him for correction i bartered with....asked him to agree to one more and i would not bother him again for any more kids even though i wanted more....and i kept to my word....anyways..

after i found out who he was, one nite i was crying (as usual) and i was mourning the loss of the dream of more kids...and what do you think he says...."miracle, lets have more kids, lets have another baby"...i had to fucking beg to a certain degree for the three i have and now just like that he wants more kids...and it really had nothing to do with having more kids and everything to do with hangin on to all he was about to lose!!!!

when people are faced with losing everything they will say anything....anything...whether or not its "real"

and blair....very very smart in not adding children to the mix now.....and yet i am so sorry that you do not have when you make your decision take ALL of your NEEDS into consideration!!!!

gotta go....class is about to start....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
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Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes I knew you were being a smartass. It takes one to know one. Remember I am the SS (senior smartass) here. Experience is such a great teacher.

Quit worrying about that sex chart. Sure 70% are not getting any, but someone has to be in that 30% spot. I'm sure that the 30% place is where you will be. I'm betting a smokin hot smartass will not be a 70 percenter.


It is good to hear from you. You need to remember that Mr. NPD is mostly in love with himself. Half of him is better than none? Him wanting both of his families to move around has little to do with what is good for all. He is only thinking about what is good for him. It looks like a big control/power trip to me.


Good to hear from you. Come back more often.


Welcome. All of us had similar feelings when we first found out. Stay around and ask questions. The only dumb question is the one that is not asked.


Are you O.K.? Report in please. We need details!!


See how strange it gets around here without your stabilizing influence! Don't be a stranger.

My W was a OW in the OM#2 relationship. She has some physical problems that cause her quite a bit of pain. She will not speak about the A but I have heard her say that she wonders if this problem is because of all the bad things she did. Perhaps OW#3 in your case feels this way too.

Sorry about the death of your friend.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 10:12 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A

Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlairW.. I know you have so many thoughts going through your head. All just shitty.
At 30, do I D, start over? Stay and risk same behavior from a man who has no idea what commitment meant? Very hard choices.

I think you can D.. take several months to finalize... then find someone who knows what fidelity means and meanwhile your biological clock is ticking. Who knows what God has planned for you but I want to encourage you to know that so many good men are available, who want children, and it won’t take you long to find someone if you make a good solid effort. Your feelings will be so much different than if you try and R. I know a woman who found somebody and within a couple years remarried and has one beautiful child and one on the way. The guy she married is a great man.

To R, it is going to take years to get some good feelings back and that is only if he can change. Some men just never change. What has he said he will do to make you feel safe? Do you have a forgiving soul? Can he take all the shit you are going to sling at him for awhile? Maybe the same exact time frame before you get to the end of grief where you want to have children as if you were to D. And that is only if he changed, learned, and really wants only you.

I would think this over for a couple month because if you just found out, the shock is so bad you just cannot possible make a wise choice.

I wish you courage and strength.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. I've been meaning to tell you my thoughts lately. I admire you. You are a pillar of strength. To be a homemaker, to make the choice you did, then step forward and execute to be independent. You are one heck of a good woman. I would say that is not easy to do.

Laura, If I had a ranch downunder, I'd take a duck.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have missed and love you. Love to the blue triangles and all that fucking poultry.

O thank God. I was beginning to think no one appreciated my super smartass skillz. But "I still got it."


You're a ninja smartass. Comes out of nowhere with a zinger and then *poof*, he's gone again.

It's all very discombobulating. I still don't know what the hell happened on some days, but I know *me* a whole lot better than I ever have before. 180 is so, so valuable. Dedicate yourself to it for some number of months (my MC suggested 3 months) while you focus on what you want/need. Hydrate, exercise, come here often, ask for help IRL, IC for you would be a good idea.

How are you holding up today?

You are detaching, I can tell. Baby steps, but you're getting there. You're going to be just fine. Even better than just fine, actually. You're getting GREAT!

I'm so proud of you!


I have also been faking it in hopes of making it as Miracle has suggested. It just doesn't work. I've lost those loving feelings with H. I suspect it may never return.

I faked it for a while. Had porn star sex for a while. Had "think of anything/anyone else" sex for a while. Now nothing. I like nothing better than the "think of anything/anyone else" sex, but someday I'm gonna get me some good stuff. dip says I can.

Sounds like a plan!

I had a randomly bad evening yesterday; have been extremely sick since the weekend, run-down, low-self-esteemy and the whole worrying about telling the Boyos thing... ick. So I made dinner and then decided to let the guys eat it while I went to my room, had a supersized glass of wine and a good cry. Then I watched Big Bang Theory and felt better. Today I have no voice but feel like myself.

And now I suppose I should do something work-related.

Nell out!

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I've found that Big Bang Theory can cheer me up when nothing else can.

Have you seen the tiara episode???? Holy cow, that is genius writing.

Hang in there, do something good for you today. :)

I am doing okay. Gaining more and more clarity about my mother with every passing day. She keeps calling me and spewing her venom. I'm just over it. I think we've come to a decision to give all the things that she's left here back, including my father's car (which he wanted us to have, but I am tired of hearing about it from her), and cutting off ties completely.

I just can't do this anymore. It's to the point of being funny at this point....she recently accused me of being a bad example to my children, and that I must be "smoking dope" to make these accusations about her. Then admitted to lying to me on the same day she insisted that I don't respect her. Done. I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

fWH is going back to therapy starting friday, and our new insurance covers group therapy, so we will start going together too.

He's been doing good though. I do have to say that. Every so often I feel like maybe we can get through this and be okay....that's got to count for something.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your warm welcome and kind advice.

Trynhard, you have articulated exactly what I am thinking. I don't want to waste any more time with him if he is not going to change and I know that there are good men out there. However I am also scared of ending up alone. WH is my first/only adult relationship and I'm not sure how open I would be to meeting someone new. I'm also worried that if WH really does change and become the amazing person he says he can be then if I leave him and he meets and marries someone else, she benefits out of what I suferred if you know what I mean. Its like I took years of crap then someone new might come along and take the good years as he might have finally decided to change. I can't stop thinking about the "what ifs?"

In response to your questions I am a very religiuosly forgiving person and WH has agreed to any conditions I place on him to reconcile the big one being full financial transparency which I have never had before. However although he has followed through with everything he promised he has not made it easy and has been a bit sulky and hesitant about it all. He can not take shit from me and still be nice to me. He gets very wound up and defensive and asks me when its going to stop and why can't I move forward. I would like him to be running and jumping at the opportunity to R more and take whatever shit I throw for a while but he can't seem to do that.

Dday was 3 months ago and we are still separated. My initial reaction was to run away and NC with him for a few weeks and file for D but I have since put that on hold and moved back home and he moved out. We have been doing MC and he is in IC. I saw an IC too but she told me I didn't need IC just MC with him. I'm thinking of letting him come back home now he's met the conditions I set to try and see if I can live with him or not. I want to set myself a time limit and if I don't see it working by that time then I will know that I tried my best and its time to let go. Do you think that's a good idea? And how long should I give the living together trial after 3 months separation? We have been dating on the advice of our MC and its going ok. Sometimes we have a good time and other times we argue for the whole date and I cant wait to get away from him so i'm worried about living together again.

Any advice or input is appreciated. I hope that one day I can too help others with advice but its all still so new to me know.

Thanks again everyone.

Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay: 10/11
Divorced 10/12
Married 6 years, together 12 years. No kids.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlairW.. Fear to find a new partner is huge. Crazy thing is, everyone I know who tries, finds one.

Nothing wrong with giving you H another chance. Yes, it is a risk. Some of those reactions by your H seem to be what most all do. Can you live with some of that? What are your conditions anyway?
For me, I guess the #1 is "Do you know why is it within yourself to be a cheater?". My W had to repeat it many times for me. Selfishness.

I think also a betrayer must really believe.. "I never want to be that kind of person". Can you see any of that?

Then comes your responciblities to accept... Forgive. Not so easy for anyone is my opinion.

I think to help you through the process of your grief, spill you guts.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.. Yes, I want a porn star in my bed. More like the playboy type, not the penthouse kind. OK, I said it.

Know this, not many of men I know don't want it that way. It makes us feel like...... A real MAN.

Remember that for your next good man. A good man needs rewarding! You a good actress huh? Good, keep it that way!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:13 AM, January 26th (Thursday)]

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am so sorry for your loss....i understand how you feel.....the things we still surprises me at how the feelings of envy hit you when you least expect them.....and the things that me at least envy....they arent what i would have envied before!!!

ok people...thanks for being proud of me...i have to admit, i am proud of me too

manchild issues continue, almost daily....i know he is a great kid...i just wish he realized what a great kid he is and would stop sabotoging himself....

fun its so so good to see you posting....


back to class now!!!

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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