I don't want to waste any more time with him if he is not going to change ...
This is not meant to dissuade you from R or D, just to provide some insight. Even if your WS commits to the work to "fix" himself, it can be a long process. For FWW is has been over 2 years, and while she is much better, she is not "fixed". She has been very motivated, and a good patient, but changing a lifetime of behaviors and personality is difficult.
...and I know that there are good men out there.
This is one that I still wonder about. FWW is much better, but I am comparing this to 20+ years of dysfunctional relationship. I wonder if things while better shouldn't be much better. Maybe with a new healthier partner or alone, I would really find myself expanding and soaring as a person. I don't know. No matter how much better FWW becomes, she is still connected to her dysfunctional family members, there is still the “bad” part of our history, not just the A’s, but the years of accepting abuse from her.
I want a porn star in my bed. More like the playboy type….
That’s what I have, at least when I once subscribed I remember Playboy came once each month, with an extra edition at the holiday.
I realized last night I was faqlling into my KISA/care-taker role and enabling FWW and DS to ignore their responsibilities. I need to focus back on me some. I am thinking this would be a good year for my mid-life crisis. I think it was due a couple of years ago, but I was too busy dealing with the post dday stuff.
For those of you thinking about having a mid-life crisis... ...
When I had mine, I waded through my head (murky and scary at times) and came up with three things:
-1- A personal mission statement... basically, a description of my very best version of me (who I would be if I were the ultimate me, whether I currently was doing/being those things or not).
-2- A list of personal goals, based on the mission statement.
-3- A list of needs from a marriage/partner, based on -1- and -2-. My list included these categories:
There's a decent personal values worksheet online called the "Tru Values Program" that is supposed to help you understand values and choose your top 4 values. I used it as a starting point for everything.
Good God. I'm such a dork.
"Porn-star sex" is what I named the emotionally disconnected/physically adventurous portion of HB. I was performing for myself and/or Mr. STBXNell (lets see if I can do XYZ, I'm so great, so much hotter than the COW, etc.). I'm not a big fan of emotional disconnect. Nor of "acting." In any part of my life, but especially in bed.
But I learned some good stuff.
There is one part of your post that I am curious about and I am sure the other men here are thinking the same thing. I hope I am not out of line, and do not feel like you have to answer if you do not feel like it. I hate to dig too much into your personal life but you did mention this first. It would be nice if you could give us as many details as possible about this subject. Do you play eight ball more than nine ball? How about snooker? Are you a kick ass or just average shot? Thanks in advance.
as for deciding whether or not to stay with him....well you have several things to consider...i am a big proponet of leading a life making choices based on no regret or little regret...and what that means is that you take every choice that you are considering making and look at the choice in the future...not next week but a year from now, 5 years from now and 10 years from now...
you are in a conundrum of sorts because of the consequences attached to each of your options....
choose to work it out with him...and it doesnt work....it doesnt work and you have no children and by the time you realize its over you are now that much older trying to start anew, not to mention your viability to have children is also affected.....or.....bring kids into the mix and it doesnt work....or...it does work, you have kids and end up with the family you always wanted....
choose to end it now, cut your losses and try to find someone new...that in itself is filled with uncertainty....will meet someone, will you meet them in time to have a family with them...will you always wonder what would have been with your now husband....
no matter which way you slice it you are faced with decision that might very well bring you regret...so to try and figure out which one will be the right choice....so figure out the worst scenarios for all your options and choose from there....which one will be the one you regret the least!!
ok..gotta get back to class now...
If you're asking me to look back with 20/20 hindsight and apply my life experiences to being in a situation similar to yours I would without question get a divorce.
I was married in my 20's to a man I had started dating my junior year of high school and we divorced (not due to infidelity) without children. It was hard, but with no children there was total NC and I built a new life with my current husband.
Childless in your early 30's there are many people who haven't even married yet. Your chances of marrying again and having children are excellent -- and your chances of having a happy family are better with someone who is faithful and wants children for themselves rather than as a bartering tool.
I won't bore you with my entire story, but much like miracle I also experienced a marriage with no "before".
And I was similar in age to you on Dday -- I was 34, and married for 7 years when I discovered that his "friend" from college -- someone who I thought was my friend now too -- mother of my son's best friend, another family we vacationed with, etc. -- really they had been having an affair for 20 years that pre-dated either of their marriages.
Anyway, the one over-riding difference in my case was that I was pregnant with my 4th child on Dday. So, I had the kids to think about.
And, honestly, even given that I had 4 children to think about as well -- I came very, very close to picking up my then youngest (who was 7 months old on Dday, and I was 4 months pregnant with yet another child) and just walking out and letting WH and my nannies figure out what to do about the other 2 kids.
If it had only been about me, I would have left with no "chances"
And -- my husband *also* asked me to have another baby shortly after Dday. I believe my reply was something along the lines of "we *are* having another baby, I'm 5 months pregnant you jackass, remember?!"
Anyway, dump him. You'll never trust him again and you also won't ever have to talk to him again. It will still hurt -- but in a way it will all be like a bad dream. I wish I'd known before I had more kids (the first was an oops before we were married). I love them dearly, but I also think of them as my "little cowbirds". I would never have given up more genuine opportunities had I known what a lie I'd been sold.
Welcome Blair & Faithful
Thanks for the laughs everyone - very therapeutic.
Dip - your reference to "bitch waders" had me in hysterics and I needed to smile this week.
Laura - Hang in there. I've sent you a message.
Land of Ellejay: Manic week this week. Had terrible news about one of my closest friends the other day, she has been through a complete breakdown over the past 3 years over various issues (long story) and I have been trying to assist her through this time along with my own shit. Anyway, she decided to try and suicide by setting herself on fire. She is now in intensive care with 40 per cents burns to her body. I just need some prayers for her please. This is beyond horrific and I don't know what to do anymore, I just cannot deal with it now.
Will catch up later next week. Stay strong everyone, I'm thinking of you all.
Recently came to realize that my dear friend who died a few months ago drank herself to death, and her husband had just left her to be with his OW (it wasn't just irreconcilable differences as they all said). Horrid.
I'm sending good thoughts for your friend, I just cannot even imagine the agony she must be in right now. :(
And I'm sending them for you too. When it rains, it pours.....one of those sayings that has too much truth to it.
I'll hold the umbrella for you.
((((Ellejay & friend))))
In the land of ninja smartass the mind games have returned in big way. I now know who the om is - my gut was right all along but it has raised some new questions for me. This person is a tradesman & over the years he has completed major work for us - so i now wonder when the A actually started & if my last 2 children are in fact mine. Ive ordered dna test kits on line to be sure before i do anything else. His business is a partnership with his wife (no kids)& i know she has long term chronic health issues. They also employee several other tradesmen.The thought that these innocent people could loose their jobs if the business folds due to divorce is currently playing on my mind.
The mind games knowing he been in my house has fuelled a jealous rage ive barely kept a lid on.
Today i swam 4km & was going for a 100k bike afterwards but the weather closed in so no ride.
Right now I want revenge - I want to hurt him - i want him to feel pain both physical & emotional but that is not the answer & its not me.
I need to see ic next week to clear my head.
take care tribe
ps Nell 8 ball corner pocket or is that both balls in a nutcrusher
dp: oh hon, how horrible to question the paternity of your children now.......i pray the results are that you are the bioligical dad...you are already their dad in all the ways that matter...remember that....to them you are dad and will always be dad no matter what.....
That is horrible. Thinking of you and I hope your friend gets better.
Get your ducks in a row and don't do anything to the OM, yet. I can see how all the other innocent people involved in this is playing on your mind. Just remember that you are not the cause of what will become of them. Their fate was in the hands of the OM. He was not worried about what D was going to do to all of them. It was his choice not yours!!!
What does matter is your mind getting back to happiness. When do you file D? Just do it now. Then take youself in a new direction... You can be happy single raising your kids or with someone new.
Your W has brought you nothing but misery. You are still in misery. Go NC from her except for kid business. Ask her to move out. If says no, then you go find a small place. Start doing things you always wanted to do on the bucket list....
Peace to you brother.
[This message edited by trynhard at 12:32 PM, January 27th (Friday)]
Laura: I'm sorry to hear about your friend's loss. It's also hard to hear about how good their marriage was, when we didn't get that.... I know where you're coming from.
Deep: So many innocent people were affected, but you will be affected the most if you take revenge. I really understand the feeling of wanting to DO something. All you can DO is to continue the 180, take care of yourself and your kids. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. I think you should really ask WW to leave. See if you have any legal recourse in this... As for outing the OM, if you are sure, then you know you should tell his BW.
Blair: I know you've been with your WH for a while, BUT there are NO kids involved. To R is a lot of work, and still the pain will always be there. The trust will never come back completely. Weigh your options carefully. My WH cheated when we were dating and I still married him and I wish I never did. Unless the WS fixes himself/herself, they are bound to be a repeat offender.
Remember, their choice to have an affair has nothing to do with you. There were many other options. There are many people who are in worse marriages who do not cheat. Many of us on LTA were not fully happy in our marriages either and we did not make the choice to cheat. We have boundaries, the WS did not and will not unless they make MAJOR changes in themselves.
I can certainly understand why you are angry.
If you are going to D, just do it now.
Your kids are YOUR kids, regardless of whether someone else was the sperm donor.
I can see wanting to know in the event of a medical crisis or something like that, but as far as legality is concerned, they ARE your children. Period.
I think, given the choice, I'd rather not know.
My heart hurts for you.
Run, bike, swim, beat the hell out of a punching bag if you have to. Revenge will only hurt you.
I will add to the chorus. Think hard about the tests. I have questions about oldest DS. I have decided I will never pursue, it would not lead to any good.
As for the OM’s business surviving a D; do what you need to do, it is not your concern. This includes D-ing your WS and notifying his BS. I believe that he and his BS will have a strong interest in keeping it solvent and a source of income.
Last night was a good night for FWW and I, fueled in part by coupe of bottles of some of Jed Steele's best. At won point she was lecturing to me about what WSs on SI need to do to fix themselves. How they need to do the hard work of IC and all. Just like with smokers, there is nothing more hard ass than a former WS.
After the last few weeks, I will say Tryn you must be careful what you wish for. I have aged and can feel it since the last time FWW and I had a healthy sexual relationship. I remember when she said she could not keep up with me. I need to ensure a good supply of batteries I think.
Definitely let his BS know though. What happens to others on his side of things, well it's sad but not your problem, you haven't caused this.
I guess you do need to know if the children are yours, I think in your position I would want to know. You have to think why you want this info though. You certainly aren't going to disown them are you? Will you think less of them? If so, don't bother with the tests as you will just be unravelling even more tragedy. That is just MHO.
Hugs to you, this is hell.
Land of Ellejay:
Just getting through this week and next, my friend is still in intensive care, just keeps saying she wants to die. It is awful. Thanks for your prayers everyone.
Shocking honey. Just shocking. But you have too much on your plate at present. You have to detach for your own sanity and that of your kids. I hope she has other support persons.
If you stay away I am sure they will fill the gap. If you get involved others may think that you are dealing with it. If she doesn't have anyone maybe you could try to organise something for her with social services or charities like Salvos. But you need to keep your distance.
Finally all is out in the open. I second everything the others have said. You cannot hold yourself accountable for any of it.
Tell his wife.
No matter what her health status she has a right to know. You do not know the sich at her house. In mine, my FWH was an arsehole for years. I couldn't understand it. Now I know why. You cannot assume she believes all is right in her life. For all you know he may be a monster at home and she feels she has to stay for $$$ or because she needs his support. None of us know what is happening. Please tell her.
As for the employees, again not your responsibility. If they split up there is no reason the other half of the business could not be bought by someone else. Perhaps even one of them. I would not assume that a split would impact them badly.
I too would reconsider the DNA. No good can come of it.
I also wanted to give a little heads up for anyone who is considering taking in a movie this weekend. I saw The Descendents as I'm a huge George Clooney fan but it sent me down the roller coaster and I triggered for several days. It would be especially hard on the guys here - it is the W who has had the A. The theme runs through the entire movie and there is no escape from the triggers, at least for me.
I guess that is one thing I want to say to everyone who is struggling. To me, the forgiveness comes a lot easier than the forgetting. Every day there are reminders and although we become less sensitive to them, 6 years out for me, there are times that a news article, movie, song or the loving words of a grieving spouse will bring me all the down as if I am in the early days of recovery.
I see that in so many here who continue to struggle and question. To me it is the inability to forget the wrong that has been done to us, not our inability to forgive.
It's not that we want to remember so we can punish our S's, but IMHO, it is our need to remember as a protective mechanism to some extent. No matter how much we need to believe that our S's have changed, could never hurt us in this way again, at least for me, I need to remember that he was capable of this and for many years and I cannot allow myself to fully trust him again. It just is not in my best interest. So R for me is something that holds an element of reality that my early years of M never did, i.e., my H is capable of great betrayal and giving him my blind trust again is just not possible.
Thinking of you all, reading almost every day and hoping each and every one finds the peace and love you deserve.