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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elle-
What a horrible story.
To do something like this ....she had to be in such psychological distress an agony.
And now her physical pain...
just awful.
Hopefully, she will get the professional help and support that she needs.

Deep-
I can imagine all of the emotions that you are experiencing right now.
It's like another d-day.
You now know who the OM is and you have more doubts about the timeline.
I agree with the others-tell the OM's wife ASAP.
Just do it. It's the right thing to do.
Whatever the fallout-it has nothing to do with your actions. The OM set all of this in motion years ago.
As to the DNA tests.... I would be the same way. I was one of those BS that had to know EVERYTHING.
In my case the MOW's BH told me about his WW's first LTA .It happened way back in the 1980's. During the 6 yr LTA she got pregnant 2x. The BH never said a word to me about being suspicious as to who the father was....but, come on...he had to have wondered for all those years.

What a rough road to travel.

But, it sounds like you are taking care of yourself.
Exercise is good. IC is good. Vent here with us if you need to.
Take care.

Tryin- My heart goes out to you as well. It sounds like you are really struggling with R of late.
I think that its all part of the grief cycle we go through when we are trying to recover from the trauma of infidelity. We go through all the same stages- grief, anger, denial, acceptance, etc.
But.... I think we can cycle back through the stages over and over again....
It sounds like you are in the anger stage.
Do you still go to IC?

That was something that helped me throughout the whole process.

To the newbies on LTA. Welcome.
We are all here trying to survive all of the damage that the LTAs have caused.

Some like me are reconciling others have decided to separate and divorce...others are still not sure of what will happen.

But, we are all here for each other.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in and say Hi & wish everyone well.

I see many are struggling & offer my hugs((Tribe))

My mini-update - ended it with new guy in an impulsive flip out via text when he did not delete his dating profile. Started texting him again a few days later to do damage control after if finally dawned on me that I will have to see this guy in social settings for years to come & I better make sure he's not pissed off at me. This ended with me asking him to meet me out for a drink. I meant it as a hey - look -no hard feelings face to face thing so I wouldn't suffer such anxiety next time I saw him in public. (Because of course after the texting flip out I see him in the store & was hiding like a fugitive to avoid him.)
Anyhoo - this was grossly misinterpreted by the new guy & I was unable to break upwith him again - I felt so bad.
What the Hell is wrong with me?

Anyway - only advice I can offer at the moment is that the only time I even think about the A is when theX is trying to convince me to R. I think there are a lot of serious issues to weigh in choosing R or s/d - but I can at least lend credence to the fact that you can get to the point of putting it past you - at least the memories of it don't flood you on a regular basis. Having said that - I will say that trusting a man again remains a work in progress.
As soon as I successfully break up with new guy (which would be a lot easier if he wasn't so damn hot), I'm giving myself a dating time out.

As to X - he's still on his mission to R & is now going to get std tested & see an IC.

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I'm glad you updated
Don't worry too much about cute guy. Worry about yourself. I'm glad to hear that xWH is going to IC. If not anything, at least he will be a better father in the future. If he really wants to R, he will do all the work necessary.

I had a tough day. It would have been my daughter's 18th birthday. She was a full term baby and died at the age of 4 months. What bothered me is that you know how on Facebook they put "people you may know"....friends of friends? Well there is OC # 1 with the same name as my daughter. Ok, not exactly the same name, but the same nickname...like the difference between someone who is named Krista and Kristine and the nickname is Kris....
It creeps up in insidious ways that you least expect.
I put my daughter's picture in a new frame and DS 16 sees it this morning and says, "Is that a picture of me as a baby?" Yep, they looked soooo much the same.
Well, she is my angel in heaven. Just don't know why after all these years it bothered me so much today. I thought I had come to terms with it......

Hugs to the tribe.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Honest))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Honest… Yep, I have come to know a truth in life. We never surrender the feelings of pain when we experience an End. Even your narc H had this pain perhaps and that was his way of handling it. Does it really matter? When you see the name anywhere doesn’t the feelings come back to you?

Allgood, Good to get an update. You are a case study for me... Proof, "I will be happy in my new life as single or with BF." lol.. Do you lack courage with your new BF? What is within yourself that cannot tell a man the truth? Indecision perhaps? If this relationship brings you good feelings, then keep it. Your new relationship feels pretty darn good doesn’t it? Why do you sacrifice your happiness right now? By leaving this relations, what happiness will that bring you? You think your H is finally changing and he finally will bring you the happiness you deserve? Perhaps. I think you sound like you are doing good.

Boy did I get my fill of Dr. Laura last week. I sure wish my W would read her book. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Ats, dip, H&C, we should have our W’s read it. I liked hearing these woman coming on the show saying they are their H’s GF’s. If I only had the courage to give it to my W. lol… I am going to dig deep and give it to her. Maybe I’ll read it first.

No njgal, not in IC any more. For me, IC was OK, but I get more from just reading on my own and discussing with a couple of my closest friends, and I think posting here. My need for feeling safe is being fixed. My secret operation is turning up a W being very transparent. My desires for affirmation may be deep rooted in some sort of sex initiation thing. If I look at us going out Friday night, she was clearly touching all over me. Did we end it with sex? No. She drank too much and by the time we got home hours later, it gave her a headache.. lol.. I really have it pretty good. Do I wish I could have what I have without all the memories I have? Yes. But that is a fact of life that will never change. Being born without an arm or leg might feel the same I suppose.

DP… IMO..If you need to know your kids were born using a sperm donor, then just do it. What will it change anything? You are not going to abandon your kids. Maybe more bad feelings toward your W and this will give you the courage to D her and force you to go find something new in life that will keep you happy. I think we need to always make choices that keep us happy, that lead us to happiness. This choice not to test may always lead you to wonder, but you don’t need any final test to say true or not. Can you see into your children’s faces? Can you see things they do you taught them? Do they look like you? The eyes, the smiles… Do they have little personalities of you? Yes. Those are the things you need to cherish and focus. You have spent too much time as a roommate with your W.. pull the cord brother. It is your turn to make the choice toward happiness!

ell.. I hope your friend finds her way.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:14 AM, January 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
Many many hugs to you this day. I am thinking of you and your angel baby with tears in my eyes.

We told the Boyos yesterday afternoon that we are getting a D. The two looked at each other and then at us with ??? looks. They were both surprised. Then the younger one said, so can we go back to what we were doing now? Yep. The older one will ask stuff like "what about the Wii?" and "can the dog go with us from one house to another?" Both Boyos said "I want Mom to live in this house and, Dad, you can live (next door to respective best friend)." All seems well so far. I moved out of the master bedroom but other than that, we remain status quo. Mr. STBXNell again last night expressed that he is sad and doesn't know what he should do next. (Not sad about losing the uber-fabulosity that is Nell... just sad about being alone.)

Damn. Gotta run. BBL...

XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
Sending you big hugs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - its amazing isnt it? u must feel so relieved to see that the boyos have taken it so well.

Tryn - the new guy & I had a conversation about 2 wks ago & as a result of such I thought he was going to be deleting his online dating profile & then I saw he not only didnt delete it, but was on it. So, he gave me a plausible, but in my opinion unlikely explanation & the BS in me ended it with him because of it, even tho i really wanted to keep seeing him. So, in that regard, I guess its indecision as its yet another battle between whats good for me & what I want. And, I guess I felt threatened& insecure & panicked a bit that this guy is gonna dump me or cheat on me & I'm going to get hurt so I'm running away before any of that can happen.
(Long story short - new guy had to be made aware of X's efforts to get me back because the X was Hell bent on figuring out who new guy was & as he was acting pretty angry/aggressive, I felt I had to warn new guy. What an excellent way to begin a relationship.)

So -before that happened dating the new guy was awesome although it was frustrating between our respective responsibilities to our kids it was hard to find time together - mostly on my end as the X wasn't exactly cooperating with watching the kids so I could date. But new guy made me feel like a million bucks. Unfortunately, he took a big step backwards after he knew X was trying to get me back & he realized how much contact I still had with X, how X visited in the house, etc., which may explain why he didn't delete or was continuing to visit the online dating site.

Anyway - I would still date this guy, (with one eye open) if it were not for the X factor - but I am experiencing a lot of guilt I guess that the X is so sad, willing now, etc and that I'm turning my back on him and not giving him another shot.
So I guess I feel like I have to rush to judgment - I dont want to string 2 men along & while new guy may sound like an idiot with the online dating thing - he's actually pretty sensitive & beat up by life & I don't want to hurt him either.

What a frickin mess.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood..i think u are making way way more to this then there really is...first off...the ex mr nogood....he still had lots of proving to do....and stop, i mean STOP, really STOP feeling bad...he made this bed, you repeatedly tried on your end, and he still ended up back in ow's bed....let him prove, really prove that he deserves you...and as long as you are honest, you are not stringin anyone...so keep the new guy, and keep the new guy lite and airy...you are not ready for exclusive in any way shape and form...you need fun, lite and airy...exphasis on FUN

((((honest))))


eta:...not really an edit..more like i wasn't finished yet!!!


nell...i'm glad the kids took it so well, i am sure you are somewhat relieved and probably also a little weary if more will be comin from them....

and why did you move out of the bedroom?...shouldn't he be the one movin out?!?!?!?

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:34 PM, January 29th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elle and WYE,
So sorry to hear about your friends. Elle, I do hope that your friend gets help emotionally while she is healing physically. So awful.

Deep,
I have no advice for the test/no test issue. Just know that whatever you decide, we're here for you.

Allgood,
So your status is "It's Complicated"?

Miracle,
I moved out because I like having a bed all to myself, and Mr. STBXNell wasn't going anywhere.

I talked to my parents today and they are very supportive. Love them. Too bad they live eleventy billion miles away. (Or so it seems at times.) And on Friday I'm going out with a dear friend whom I have not seen in quite a while. Good stuff.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest)))


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Honest)))
(((Tribe)))

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.. I was listening to Dr Laura last week. Some guy came on saying he and xGF dated for 5 years and broke up because he took new job and moved. After several months, he snooped and saw xGF was starting to date, etc. He said he still had feelings and “LOVED” xGF. Dr Laura said no you didn’t love xGF.. you want to “possess” her. She went on to explain that if he loved her, he would not have moved (love of quality time). She told him to leave her alone and stop snooping. I am sure your H may just want to possess you.

I think you have some questions to settle in your mind. Do you feel guilt because the kids and family are now split? Is it guilt over you now see he hurts because he is in the pain of end? Sometimes in life, people bring things on themselves that hurts themselves. Like those rehab shows where a drug addict refuses to give them up, willing to lose relationships for the drug. Your H hurt himself, not you. No, you did not hurt him.

I think you are ready to date others. IMO, when you date others, your feelings get sorted out. You ultimately may decide that all those feeling that come with having your family together far outweigh the other feelings of having a new relationship. You say you feel like a million bucks huh? Of course, in time, those mask come off little by little and you see who the real person is...

I'm sure you will find your way..


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell... Your kids just sound so young the way they reacted.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
They are young. Six and nine. Which means that Mr. STBXNell missed Boyo2's preschool years and Boyo1's kindergarten and first grade years while he was giving all his time and attention to the COW. Not that he would ever, ever admit to that. Rat bastard.

...anyway... yes, the effects of his actions on my Boyos still makes me go all Chuck Norris like nothing else can.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

What tryn said about the possive behavior can be so true. This goes right along with the story I told you about a co-worker and his ex. He wanted her back and his exact words were. "If I can't have her I do not want anyone to have her." He was a serial cheater!

The new guy should have taken his profile down if that is what he said he was going to do. I do agree that your relationship with your H may have made him think twice about taking down the profile. I think a guy would have to expect competion while dating but competion from a angry/agressive ex H sounds kind of scary! The fact that the ex is a angry cop is even worse!!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I'm surprised the nine year old reacted that way.

The Pharaoh is 10 today! Happy Birthday Pharaoh!

We did right by him this year and had a huge party Saturday night with laser tag, etc. WH took care of the cake, and it was fantastic -- with an awesome picture of The Pharaoh holding a fish on it.

But, back to being on topic -- The Pharaoh was talking about some of his friend's parents being divorced (they were divorced a couple of years ago and are still battling over the kids regularly) and said "but, let's face it, they really needed to get a divorce..." and before he even completed the rest of his story he stopped dead and looked WH and I both straight in the eyes and pointed at us with one finger (he was standing in front of us and we were sitting on the couch) and he said "Just for the record: you two do NOT need to get a divorce!." and then he went on with his story.

10 going on 35. This is what happens when lawyers procreate!

DP -- you've gotten a lot of advice. I'd be defying my genetic makeup if I didn't chime in. (1) Don't assault, kill or talk to this dude. It's not worth it. Repeat this mantra as often as needed. (2) I would get a lawyer to explain to you to pros and cons of having the kids tested -- they vary by jurisdiction -- before you make up your mind on that one.

I think finally figuring out who OM is is a good thing for you. Hooking up with the handyman. How lame. Do ya'll not have a pool? Pfft.

Dip -- god's honest truth, when I was pregnant with The Pharaoh I was sorely disappointed to discover they don't make Maternity Waders...

Miracle -- Hi! Keep kicking ass in school!

Honest -- huge hugs for you today. I don't know that there is anything I could write that would help you. But I love that you keep her so close in your heart.

Elle -- I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

And Laura -- yours as well.

njgal -- thanks for all the sage advice lately. I like seeing you so calm and centered.

Allgood -- Ms.buttinsky M3 suggests you try having a relationship where no major communication of any kind is conveyed by text. Just a thought.

Tryn -- how did the spying project go?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey m3... Operation Not trust & Verify To Make Me Feel Better has some technical glitches, but so far, zippo.

When I was out of town last week for 4 days, the batteries only last for 2 days. And, she parks in a garage at work and the satellite sometimes takes about several minutes to start logging again. If someone is very careful, this technology won’t work. She could drive to a shopping parking lot and change cars. I don’t much accept shopping and not buying anything anymore, like she once always did. I just figure I will keep it going for awhile and if something is going on, I’ll eventually see it. People make mistakes.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3:

Ms.buttinsky M3 suggests you try having a relationship where no major communication of any kind is conveyed by text.

Yes, agreed. I was beyond pissed & it blurred my judgment. Having said that tho - damn the texting is just so convenient especially when the only time I can have a coherent conversation with someone free of distractions of child related drama is between 10pm and 6 am...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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