Head meet wall.
Just bringing up so many triggers.
Gee, I honestly had no idea that having an affair would upset my children. Really???
How is that even possible??? I've heard that one from fWH, though he's smart enough not to try and say it anymore. He freaking brought our kids around OW. It wasn't enough to implode their family unit, he had to introduce them to his girlfriend. WTF.
My most recent triggery thing I've read is that some (notably the waywards and their APs) think that it's not a violation of boundaries if it's just a phone call. Or an email. Or searching for them online.
It's all a violation. All of it.
fWH even set up a secret email addy to keep in touch with OW2. Funny thing was they actually wrote back and forth how it was okay that they were doing this emailing, because it wasn't like they were doing anything wrong (aside from staying in contact, doing it secretly and LYING to me constantly).
Yeah, sure. No problem. That's just fine.
head meet wall.
Allgood -- just MAJOR communication: fights, the first I luv u, BREAK-UPS?!@
90% of my families financial decisions are hammered out over e-mail and text due to the kid factor, so I hear you there!
But I remember after Dday so much was "said" by text or e-mail -- I just couldn't even communicate directly with WH. Bad stuff. So, I suggest not starting that in a new relationship.
That one... the insistance that the A didn't affect the children... that one is SO STUPID and yet it's a way to smooth over the cognitive dissonance of who the WS thinks they are, versus who they have shown themselves to be through their actions. Mr. STBXNell, to this day, refuses to admit that he was ever anything other than a stellar father... even given the fact that when I kicked him out (on a Friday after the Boyos were asleep), they didn't even notice he was gone on Saturday, so rarely was he home and interacting with them. Meanwhile, when I wasn't home, Mr. STBXNell told me that the Boyos constantly asked where I was and when I would be home. TO THIS DAY he simply refuses to acknowledge those facts. He just simply won't do it. His thought processes are confusing and murky and I think he likes it that way.
They don't want to confront how bad everything they did was, so they just pretend like it didn't affect anyone.
Or it did, but it wasn't that bad.
Or it did, but that's in the past.
Ugh. Just frustrated.
It's fWH's busy season at work, and I was trying to get him to see how hard it's been on me for the last 4 years. He was at work all the time, or so I (and everyone else) thought. 99% of everything else fell on me. He was NEVER here.
We got sacrificed, OW didn't.
He doesn't want to see that he was willing to toss us under the bus, but not her.
And I told him that I will never again tell another soul that he can't be somewhere because he is working.
Wishing you luck as you start the D process.
m: interesting about the texting. I was the same way. Couldn't stand to talk to him for a long time, so we mostly communicated via text and email. Sad.
[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 9:30 AM, February 1st (Wednesday)]
I am still (enjoying) sleeping on a guest bed, Boyo1 is having some emotional responses to the D news, I have been brought down a peg or two at work (was thinking I was 38 flavors of awesome and found out I'm actually only, like 4 flavors, and one of them is fat-free). I let my keylogger spyware on Mr. STBXNell's computer expire but they keep sending me reports anyway. I know it's because they want me to renew, but I don't want to see the stupidity. And I figured out my relationship kryptonite! Not that I will necessarily be able to defend myself against it in the distant future when dating might be something I would want to not avoid like Black Death... but it's valuable information, anyway.
That's it. Nothing to see here, just a
D does affect the whole family. The only thing I can suggest with your Boyos is to keep telling them that you love them, that their father loves them and you will both be their parents no matter what. That will NEVER change. They need reassurance at this time and I do know how hard it is to give it to them when we are hurting inside ourselves. I have been through a D with my first xWH with my two older sons, and my parents got a D when I was 13.
The healing takes a long time.
So.. But last night, I found out they all know. Crazy huh? My Family never said a word. They all knew we were having marital issues but stayed out.
My W told me last night that my cousin, a local attorney, knows because, the OM was good friends with his best friend. I am sure he told my Aunt (Father sister) Funny how things just get out. Since dday, my Aunt has treated my W very poorly and my W confessed that this is the reason.
So, I had a chance to practice forgiveness. Just grabbed her hand and that despite how my Aunt feels or treats you, I am glad you are my W. We don’t need her in our lives. OI think that made her feel no guilt.
I honestly had no idea that having an affair would upset my children.
But last night, I found out they all know. >snip< Since dday, my Aunt has treated my W very poorly and my W confessed that this is the reason.
Anyhooo. Things in the UKg house are calm. fWH has been home a lot. Said he didn’t want to stay away Kind of like he was in the early days. Mind you, he doesn’t like me going off, which I have done – down to my Mum to help her out with paperwork and just to keep her company and then to one of my oldest BFs who has been in hospital and needed someone to stay with her to help get her out and about and her confidence back to being on her own again. Oh yes, it’s just FINE for him to come and go as he pleases (and always has done) but me………….? He doesn’t really like me being out of the home environment. Maybe he was wondering what I was up to and who I might be seeing. I dunno. Knowing how I was so blindsided and shocked has had the effect of him not quite trusting me. I don’t wear a wedding ring and I think he knows I’ve been flirted with and asked out. As I was while waiting for my friend to get a refund on something she bought before being taken into hospital.
Have a trouble-free weekend. Hugs and out.
I haven't been on SI in ages but had this weird feeling I should check in. Oddly, there was a post in general on whether or not anyone has survived an LTA as soon as I logged on.
If any of you are interested in my/our journey and how we made it this far, you can check it out.
Thinking of everyone, and wishing Amazon had a compass I could buy each person who is struggling to find their path.
Meanwhile, last night I mentioned two things I shouldn’t have. MOW and being asked out for a drink. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?! Oh well.
Good to hear from you. I wonder how you are doing today, as well.
As for me, I have been snowed in (day number two) and I just wish that I were snowed into my own home without having to tiptoe around Mr. STBXNell. Everything is fine; just weird. He has been spending a bit of time trying to figure out if he can afford to keep this house after the D. (I pray he can afford to buy me out... I don't want it but it would help the Boyos to stay, at least for a bit.)
Hello. About to check out your bio.
I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner/drinks yesterday... weather made that impossible. Waiting to see if it's possible tonight.
Hugs all around, and Nell out. XOXO
WYE .. your posts are insightful, to the point, and definitely resonate. Thank you!!!
For all those in the most difficult places right now, take care and I wish you the best.
h&c update: I stopped going to IC as I had gained all I could with this C. Reading "Not Just Friends" and particularly liked the recommendation to reconstruct the marital history with ones spouse. WW agrees and still goes to IC.
Things are getting better with WW and I. She asked me if I felt her love... uncertain. I notice her actions, caring,and understanding of what her A has done to me. I think the scars from the A, deception, and her treatment of me duing the A are too thick to let her love for me sing in. Hope this changes over time.
tryn - people figure stuff out. I couldn't have hidden it from my in-laws if I tried. They are around all the time, and they've seen me curled into the fetal position more than once. Fortunately, they've had my back the entire time. I think your aunt is choosing what she thinks is the "right side", not realizing that she isn't helping. I can honestly say that I was far more judgmental about affairs before I lived this, and I never in a million years thought that I'd stay if he cheated. I am rambling now, so I'll stop. Just know that your family isn't trying to make things harder...they just don't understand how hard it is to R with someone that everyone is pissed off at (for legitimate reasons).
Nell - thinking of you and the boyos. Hang on to them tight right now, and you'll all get through this just fine.
UKGirl - amazing how they are always fine with being separated when it's on their terms, but as soon as they aren't in control they feel threatened, eh?
h&c - hang in there. I've found that having the "right" therapist makes all the difference in the world. My IC actually tells me that I'm processing all this as well as could be, she's amazed at my stability. Which is funny to me, because I've never felt more unstable in my life. All perspective, I guess. Are you in MC together?
In WYEland, things are ok. fWH is stressed about work, and I'm mostly working on not letting my crazy out too much. Coming up on the 1 yr anniversary of my father's death, my birthday (which fWH forgot more years than not lately) and Valentine's Day (which he spent with her while I was out of state dealing with all my dad's stuff last year). This week is going to suck. BIG time.
Gonna put my head down and power through it, try to avoid ending up on the news.
one year and seven months post DDay...
2 months post a change in Diagnosis from PTSD and Depression to BiPolar I and PTSD (so far) with a medication change from Anti D's to Atypical AntiPsychotics...
I do SO recommend trying that out, you know, correct mental health diagnosis... I hear it is ALL the rage these days! :)
And now, now I can focus long enough and find the personal strength and conviction to acknowledge that even though WH has NOT, repeat NOT, been Transparent and attending IC regularly or scheduling MC for us... well, well I have been a "one foot in the door, one foot out the door" person this whole time. I rationalized that because of WH's Passive/Aggressive and aggressive narcissistic behaviors that my indecisiveness was warranted and that is why I did not have to forgive him "relationally" and give 100% into any attempt to begin a possible reconciliation...
So, last week I decided, it is do or die...
My son and I deserve me to either "shit or get off the pot"(excuse the vernacular); either give 100% and see how much WH gives into reconciliation (with appropriate consequences) or move out and start the paperwork on D.
I sat down and set a firm boundary with WH; "you will take on the responsibility of us moving forward by scheduling MC, you will be responsible for your IC, I am continuing in IC, DS is continuing in his IC and I will give 100% into it. You will remain NC. We will have transparency. THIS is what I am willing to live with in our M. I will not be M without it."
WH scheduled MC for us. We had our first session (with his IC as our MC) last week. We will be going every other week with WH going as IC biweekly as well.
I'm all in. I will continue to address my co-dependency and learn more on how to manage my BiPolar I with meds that help with the biochemical changes in my brain, IC, SI, local support groups and my relationship with God.
Will I be married a year from now? I don't know...
I do know that today, I have boundaries and that I will enforce them THIS time.
After 40 years of life, which includes my 16 years of marriage, I will enforce my boundaries in a healthy way.
Because I am worth it. And so is my son. And so is my WH. Everyone is worth it.
Either together or divorced, I will be healthier for me, my children, my WH and all those I encounter in my life....
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
Have a BLESSED day (((((Tribe)))))....
IC , meds, MC were all key to helping me recover from the trauma of the infidelity.
Boundaries are a good thing!
thanks for the confirmation... you're my second one so I'm saying God approves! :)
The BP was brought on by Trauma...just not THIS one.
I was molested by my father and maternal grandfather starting at about 2 years old till I was 12. Also suffered physical, emotional, verbal abuse and neglect by father, mother and older sisters all of my developmental/formative years. Stayed in co-dependent/dysfunctional relationships with them until about 2001 even though I started therapy in 1998.
I have been misdiagnosed with depression and correctly diagnosed with PTSD since 1998. Anti D's were just exacerbating the BP all that time.
Then the boomerang relationship with my Passive/Aggressive Husband in 1995 along with the 6 year affair, manipulation of my primary support (his parents, my children, my FOO) just added fuel to the fire.
I finally knew I couldn't hold on to the "mirage" of a life I was trying to lead and went for a psych consult in October 2011.
After all the MRI's, scans, blood work, etc it showed up.
Starting those Atypical AntiPsychs helped SOOOO much. First time I have EVER slept a full 8 hours in my life!
Yes, my psych believes that the trauma of the A has triggered and will continue to trigger the trauma of my lifelong abuse by my FOO.
To answer the "could BP have resulted from A trauma"?... I'm not sure; however, Psych said the A trauma is almost equal to the abuse trauma due to the closeness of the perpetrator and the length of time of the A...
Unfortunately for me now, due to insurance changes, I have had to wean myself off my meds and am awaiting a NEW psych so I can try a new med (mine became $400/month and I cannot afford it)...
HOWEVER, I'm grateful for the truth and the knowledge that it gives me. I NOW have some resources that will enable the right environment for me to develop the lifeskills I have long desired...
Attitude of Gratitude....
I broke up with new guy last night. It was really a long overdue project - Love, love loved hanging out with him but this was purely a physical thing - nothing else there & with the amount of drama my dating has caused me at home - it's just not worth it. (O - plus - did I mention that I used a fake profile on a dating site & got him to chat with me? Fun, fun, fun)
So, I'm not dating anyone & using the time to help X figure himself out & get myself to a place where I either R with the X or completely cut all emotional ties with him. (Also a long overdue project.)
Sigh... I will miss the new boy even though it appears he would chat up any random woman who looked his way... What is wrong with me?
Anyway -hugs to all.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:13 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]
Sunshine has had pneumonia but seems to have turned the corner although he's still quite sick. It looks like he won't have to return to the hospital though. Every other kid has caught the virus that led to Sunshine's pneumonia -- AAAGHH!
let it be me --
hugs. it's not an easy diagnosis. I'd like to say that infidelity is a very common part of relationships where one person is bipolar and it's not always the bipolar spouse who strays.
It's just something to give some thought to as you get better -- not an excuse.