Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, January 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good lord...I so completely need to stay out of the other forums.

Head meet wall.

Just bringing up so many triggers.

Gee, I honestly had no idea that having an affair would upset my children. Really???

How is that even possible??? I've heard that one from fWH, though he's smart enough not to try and say it anymore. He freaking brought our kids around OW. It wasn't enough to implode their family unit, he had to introduce them to his girlfriend. WTF.

My most recent triggery thing I've read is that some (notably the waywards and their APs) think that it's not a violation of boundaries if it's just a phone call. Or an email. Or searching for them online.

It's all a violation. All of it.

fWH even set up a secret email addy to keep in touch with OW2. Funny thing was they actually wrote back and forth how it was okay that they were doing this emailing, because it wasn't like they were doing anything wrong (aside from staying in contact, doing it secretly and LYING to me constantly).

Yeah, sure. No problem. That's just fine.

head meet wall.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, February 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rationalization.

'Nuf said.

Allgood -- just MAJOR communication: fights, the first I luv u, BREAK-UPS?!@

90% of my families financial decisions are hammered out over e-mail and text due to the kid factor, so I hear you there!

But I remember after Dday so much was "said" by text or e-mail -- I just couldn't even communicate directly with WH. Bad stuff. So, I suggest not starting that in a new relationship.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, February 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's February. Which means that I have got to start kicking some a$$ and get all the logistics of the "dissolution of WHLastName" ironed out.

WYE,
That one... the insistance that the A didn't affect the children... that one is SO STUPID and yet it's a way to smooth over the cognitive dissonance of who the WS thinks they are, versus who they have shown themselves to be through their actions. Mr. STBXNell, to this day, refuses to admit that he was ever anything other than a stellar father... even given the fact that when I kicked him out (on a Friday after the Boyos were asleep), they didn't even notice he was gone on Saturday, so rarely was he home and interacting with them. Meanwhile, when I wasn't home, Mr. STBXNell told me that the Boyos constantly asked where I was and when I would be home. TO THIS DAY he simply refuses to acknowledge those facts. He just simply won't do it. His thought processes are confusing and murky and I think he likes it that way.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly it, Nell.

They don't want to confront how bad everything they did was, so they just pretend like it didn't affect anyone.

Or it did, but it wasn't that bad.

Or it did, but that's in the past.

Ugh. Just frustrated.

It's fWH's busy season at work, and I was trying to get him to see how hard it's been on me for the last 4 years. He was at work all the time, or so I (and everyone else) thought. 99% of everything else fell on me. He was NEVER here.

We got sacrificed, OW didn't.

He doesn't want to see that he was willing to toss us under the bus, but not her.

And I told him that I will never again tell another soul that he can't be somewhere because he is working.

Wishing you luck as you start the D process.

m: interesting about the texting. I was the same way. Couldn't stand to talk to him for a long time, so we mostly communicated via text and email. Sad.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 9:30 AM, February 1st (Wednesday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT?!?!
I had to scroll down to find LTA. This will never, ever do.

I am still (enjoying) sleeping on a guest bed, Boyo1 is having some emotional responses to the D news, I have been brought down a peg or two at work (was thinking I was 38 flavors of awesome and found out I'm actually only, like 4 flavors, and one of them is fat-free). I let my keylogger spyware on Mr. STBXNell's computer expire but they keep sending me reports anyway. I know it's because they want me to renew, but I don't want to see the stupidity. And I figured out my relationship kryptonite! Not that I will necessarily be able to defend myself against it in the distant future when dating might be something I would want to not avoid like Black Death... but it's valuable information, anyway.

That's it. Nothing to see here, just a
*bump*


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Nell}}} You are doing so well, don't let things at work get to you.

D does affect the whole family. The only thing I can suggest with your Boyos is to keep telling them that you love them, that their father loves them and you will both be their parents no matter what. That will NEVER change. They need reassurance at this time and I do know how hard it is to give it to them when we are hurting inside ourselves. I have been through a D with my first xWH with my two older sons, and my parents got a D when I was 13.

The healing takes a long time.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never told my parents, brother or sister my W committed adultery.

So.. But last night, I found out they all know. Crazy huh? My Family never said a word. They all knew we were having marital issues but stayed out.

My W told me last night that my cousin, a local attorney, knows because, the OM was good friends with his best friend. I am sure he told my Aunt (Father sister) Funny how things just get out. Since dday, my Aunt has treated my W very poorly and my W confessed that this is the reason.

So, I had a chance to practice forgiveness. Just grabbed her hand and that despite how my Aunt feels or treats you, I am glad you are my W. We don’t need her in our lives. OI think that made her feel no guilt.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gang. I’m just so behind that I have trundled about in JFO and Gen rather than try to catch up in the windows of opportunity that have been so small I’d never remember what I’d read! So I plan ( ) to go back and read up maybe tomorrow, so I’m going backwards (nothing new there!)

I honestly had no idea that having an affair would upset my children.
Yep. What we don’t know won’t hurt us. Except the boorish and irrational behaviour was having the effect of actually driving the boys up to their rooms or out of the house within 5mins of WH walking in….. And if they had ever found out he had an affair, well….. DS#1&3 would hate him, DS#2 would be more concerned about me than him but has a very forgiving nature and DS#4 would just have been bewildered. WYE – it should he HIS head meeting the wall, with your hand behind it!

But last night, I found out they all know. >snip< Since dday, my Aunt has treated my W very poorly and my W confessed that this is the reason.
This is quite sad. I think your Aunt is siding with you, which is natural, maybe wondering if you know that your W had an A or if you are staying for reasons other than love and a desire to make things work. Perhaps you should talk to her and say that and then she might behave a little differently towards your W. I wonder if any of my family know. I reckon they must do if only because I found out my twin has been “seeing” and ex-gf while staying with my Mum and her sister is a friend of mine. My friend knew about fWH’s A before I worked out my twin’s going off to see his ex-gf. So I expect my brother has told his W and my sister and….. well, y’know. My Dad never knew, my Mum doesn’t know and that’s all I care about. My IL’s know though, but my BIL doesn’t. A’s make life so friggin complicated!!!

Anyhooo. Things in the UKg house are calm. fWH has been home a lot. Said he didn’t want to stay away Kind of like he was in the early days. Mind you, he doesn’t like me going off, which I have done – down to my Mum to help her out with paperwork and just to keep her company and then to one of my oldest BFs who has been in hospital and needed someone to stay with her to help get her out and about and her confidence back to being on her own again. Oh yes, it’s just FINE for him to come and go as he pleases (and always has done) but me………….? He doesn’t really like me being out of the home environment. Maybe he was wondering what I was up to and who I might be seeing. I dunno. Knowing how I was so blindsided and shocked has had the effect of him not quite trusting me. I don’t wear a wedding ring and I think he knows I’ve been flirted with and asked out. As I was while waiting for my friend to get a refund on something she bought before being taken into hospital.

Have a trouble-free weekend. Hugs and out.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everybody!! <<<<waves>>>>>

I haven't been on SI in ages but had this weird feeling I should check in. Oddly, there was a post in general on whether or not anyone has survived an LTA as soon as I logged on.

If any of you are interested in my/our journey and how we made it this far, you can check it out.

HS


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt Shirley- I read your reply in General. It was great. I think you gave a lot BS hope that it is possible to R after a LTA.
It's a long journey but can be done.
Your path to R was similar to mine. I also kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day. We were separated for 6 months. He also went to IC 2x per week for the first 6 months and then 1x per year for another year. He also went to AA and continues going now-5 yrs later.
I went to IC for 4 yrs and it was very helpful for me.
And like you- I do yoga!
Glad to hear that you are doing so well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of everyone, and wishing Amazon had a compass I could buy each person who is struggling to find their path.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shirley! Long time no see and glad to read you are doing okay. I started to read the thread, but will go back to it later. If I had found SI when I so badly needed it in those early days, I think I would have kicked my fWH out instead of letting him “deal” with MOW in his own way. The continued texting was killing me. Our MC told him to stop as did his BF. But no, he said the only way was to not see her, for him to not reply all the time (hahaha! It got worse as time went on!) then she would get bored and then it would “fizzle out”. And y’know what? I let it carry on. I had nowhere to turn or ask as I didn’t know anyone whose WS had been in an affair and kicked the OP into touch to come home. I knew no one who had been the BS in a LTA either. Totally without help or guidance. Sheesh. Hindsight!

Meanwhile, last night I mentioned two things I shouldn’t have. MOW and being asked out for a drink. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?! Oh well.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,
I think of you often and wonder how you are feeling.

ats,
Good to hear from you. I wonder how you are doing today, as well.

As for me, I have been snowed in (day number two) and I just wish that I were snowed into my own home without having to tiptoe around Mr. STBXNell. Everything is fine; just weird. He has been spending a bit of time trying to figure out if he can afford to keep this house after the D. (I pray he can afford to buy me out... I don't want it but it would help the Boyos to stay, at least for a bit.)

shirley,
Hello. About to check out your bio.

I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner/drinks yesterday... weather made that impossible. Waiting to see if it's possible tonight.

Hugs all around, and Nell out. XOXO


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.. catching up and checking in. No, I am not begging for money to return home from Vegas just very very busy at work and home. Finally got a break.

WYE .. your posts are insightful, to the point, and definitely resonate. Thank you!!!

For all those in the most difficult places right now, take care and I wish you the best.

h&c update: I stopped going to IC as I had gained all I could with this C. Reading "Not Just Friends" and particularly liked the recommendation to reconstruct the marital history with ones spouse. WW agrees and still goes to IC.

Things are getting better with WW and I. She asked me if I felt her love... uncertain. I notice her actions, caring,and understanding of what her A has done to me. I think the scars from the A, deception, and her treatment of me duing the A are too thick to let her love for me sing in. Hope this changes over time.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley - thank you for your insight. I'm hoping that someday all this LTA nonsense will be a part of our past.

tryn - people figure stuff out. I couldn't have hidden it from my in-laws if I tried. They are around all the time, and they've seen me curled into the fetal position more than once. Fortunately, they've had my back the entire time. I think your aunt is choosing what she thinks is the "right side", not realizing that she isn't helping. I can honestly say that I was far more judgmental about affairs before I lived this, and I never in a million years thought that I'd stay if he cheated. I am rambling now, so I'll stop. Just know that your family isn't trying to make things harder...they just don't understand how hard it is to R with someone that everyone is pissed off at (for legitimate reasons).

Nell - thinking of you and the boyos. Hang on to them tight right now, and you'll all get through this just fine.

UKGirl - amazing how they are always fine with being separated when it's on their terms, but as soon as they aren't in control they feel threatened, eh?

h&c - hang in there. I've found that having the "right" therapist makes all the difference in the world. My IC actually tells me that I'm processing all this as well as could be, she's amazed at my stability. Which is funny to me, because I've never felt more unstable in my life. All perspective, I guess. Are you in MC together?

In WYEland, things are ok. fWH is stressed about work, and I'm mostly working on not letting my crazy out too much. Coming up on the 1 yr anniversary of my father's death, my birthday (which fWH forgot more years than not lately) and Valentine's Day (which he spent with her while I was out of state dealing with all my dad's stuff last year). This week is going to suck. BIG time.

Gonna put my head down and power through it, try to avoid ending up on the news.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well hello, again....

one year and seven months post DDay...

2 months post a change in Diagnosis from PTSD and Depression to BiPolar I and PTSD (so far) with a medication change from Anti D's to Atypical AntiPsychotics...
I do SO recommend trying that out, you know, correct mental health diagnosis... I hear it is ALL the rage these days! :)


And now, now I can focus long enough and find the personal strength and conviction to acknowledge that even though WH has NOT, repeat NOT, been Transparent and attending IC regularly or scheduling MC for us... well, well I have been a "one foot in the door, one foot out the door" person this whole time. I rationalized that because of WH's Passive/Aggressive and aggressive narcissistic behaviors that my indecisiveness was warranted and that is why I did not have to forgive him "relationally" and give 100% into any attempt to begin a possible reconciliation...

So, last week I decided, it is do or die...
My son and I deserve me to either "shit or get off the pot"(excuse the vernacular); either give 100% and see how much WH gives into reconciliation (with appropriate consequences) or move out and start the paperwork on D.

I sat down and set a firm boundary with WH; "you will take on the responsibility of us moving forward by scheduling MC, you will be responsible for your IC, I am continuing in IC, DS is continuing in his IC and I will give 100% into it. You will remain NC. We will have transparency. THIS is what I am willing to live with in our M. I will not be M without it."

WH scheduled MC for us. We had our first session (with his IC as our MC) last week. We will be going every other week with WH going as IC biweekly as well.

I'm all in. I will continue to address my co-dependency and learn more on how to manage my BiPolar I with meds that help with the biochemical changes in my brain, IC, SI, local support groups and my relationship with God.

Will I be married a year from now? I don't know...

I do know that today, I have boundaries and that I will enforce them THIS time.
After 40 years of life, which includes my 16 years of marriage, I will enforce my boundaries in a healthy way.

Because I am worth it. And so is my son. And so is my WH. Everyone is worth it.

Either together or divorced, I will be healthier for me, my children, my WH and all those I encounter in my life....

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

Have a BLESSED day (((((Tribe)))))....


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let it be-
It sounds like you have a wonderful plan of action.
being all in...giving it one last shot..IMHO you're doing the right thing.
Glad that your FWH stepped up to the plate and made the MC appt etc.
I'm also glad that you got your meds sorted out.
Just curious...does your doctor think that the BP was brought on by the trauma and stress you suffered post d-day? I've heard that trauma can bring that on....
or were you not diagnosed properly in the past?

IC , meds, MC were all key to helping me recover from the trauma of the infidelity.

Boundaries are a good thing!
Stay strong.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey nj - some good questions...

thanks for the confirmation... you're my second one so I'm saying God approves! :)

The BP was brought on by Trauma...just not THIS one.
I was molested by my father and maternal grandfather starting at about 2 years old till I was 12. Also suffered physical, emotional, verbal abuse and neglect by father, mother and older sisters all of my developmental/formative years. Stayed in co-dependent/dysfunctional relationships with them until about 2001 even though I started therapy in 1998.

I have been misdiagnosed with depression and correctly diagnosed with PTSD since 1998. Anti D's were just exacerbating the BP all that time.

Then the boomerang relationship with my Passive/Aggressive Husband in 1995 along with the 6 year affair, manipulation of my primary support (his parents, my children, my FOO) just added fuel to the fire.

I finally knew I couldn't hold on to the "mirage" of a life I was trying to lead and went for a psych consult in October 2011.

After all the MRI's, scans, blood work, etc it showed up.
Starting those Atypical AntiPsychs helped SOOOO much. First time I have EVER slept a full 8 hours in my life!

Yes, my psych believes that the trauma of the A has triggered and will continue to trigger the trauma of my lifelong abuse by my FOO.

To answer the "could BP have resulted from A trauma"?... I'm not sure; however, Psych said the A trauma is almost equal to the abuse trauma due to the closeness of the perpetrator and the length of time of the A...

Unfortunately for me now, due to insurance changes, I have had to wean myself off my meds and am awaiting a NEW psych so I can try a new med (mine became $400/month and I cannot afford it)...

HOWEVER, I'm grateful for the truth and the knowledge that it gives me. I NOW have some resources that will enable the right environment for me to develop the lifeskills I have long desired...

Attitude of Gratitude....


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all:

I broke up with new guy last night. It was really a long overdue project - Love, love loved hanging out with him but this was purely a physical thing - nothing else there & with the amount of drama my dating has caused me at home - it's just not worth it. (O - plus - did I mention that I used a fake profile on a dating site & got him to chat with me? Fun, fun, fun)

So, I'm not dating anyone & using the time to help X figure himself out & get myself to a place where I either R with the X or completely cut all emotional ties with him. (Also a long overdue project.)

Sigh... I will miss the new boy even though it appears he would chat up any random woman who looked his way... What is wrong with me?

Anyway -hugs to all.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:13 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

Sunshine has had pneumonia but seems to have turned the corner although he's still quite sick. It looks like he won't have to return to the hospital though. Every other kid has caught the virus that led to Sunshine's pneumonia -- AAAGHH!

let it be me --
hugs. it's not an easy diagnosis. I'd like to say that infidelity is a very common part of relationships where one person is bipolar and it's not always the bipolar spouse who strays.

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-infidelity.html

It's just something to give some thought to as you get better -- not an excuse.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.