i think your plan is right for you...i think your plan is extremely proactive so yay for you....
and yes boundaries and njgal has stated are a very good thing indeed
hurtshirley....i have missed you....i have thought of you often, wondering how you were doing...and i am so so happy to hear that all is well...i have not read your post in general....at least not yet... .....thanks for checking in
speaking of checkin in...allgood...i am sorry that you let the boy go...i can understand how having too much drama is sometimes not worth the momentary laspses of pleasure and joy...and honestly...your relationship sounds like it was exactly what you needed..."fun"...you are in no emotional state for more then that....i do however like that you are putting yourself in a position of finally choosing..although i thought you already had....i guess since mr nogood has put up a long overdue fight for you, you are waffling....one word of advice...dont say a word to the kids about you and their dad dating....it would serve to give them hope where they should not...it would only hurt more
m3...sorry to hear about susnhines bout with pneumonia but so happy to hear that he is on the mend
h&c....well i have some mixed feelings about you stopping ic....you are still in the thick of it...and living it is difficult and having that sane voice that there solely there for you can be more healing then you might think...just some thoughts...you do sound good though
nell: not sure if i understood your entire post...are you hoping that if he cant buy you out he keeps the house and the boyos too????
ukgirl: keeping ones mouth shut....foreign concept to me....although i do shut mine alot more then i used too,,,,but only because its a waste of time, pfm is useless for information, answers and most importantly "TRUTH"...so there is no point...but still, i do take most every opportunity for digs....can't seem to help myself, correction...i dont want to help it...i figure i have lots and lots more years to go....and it would still never even out and more importantly..if i am still having triggers and need to vent..who better then him to be the recipient...its his fault!!!
are you hoping that if he cant buy you out he keeps the house and the boyos too????
not sure if i understood your entire post
Yep, fun and shallow is good right now. "Relationship"... probably way too soon.
Happy about Sunshine.
let it be,
I second miracle's comments.
I was reading your posts in the long porn thread... I got where you were coming from because I know the backstory. That whole thread turned into a giant t/j and you were misunderstood. I wanted to jump in there but that particular trainwreck was already surrounded by rubberneckers so I decided to just go along my merry way and reach out to you here.
Ummm... okay, gotta run. Time for a coffee refill.
Hugs all around, and Nell out.
miracle ~ awe?strong?resolute?sane? ...ha, give it a few minutes, that will change. Like the weather in Texas!
I'm ultradian cycling BP... I 'know' my course, just cannot always follow it... I am confident that will get better as I learn more...
nell ~ i appreciate your second of miracles comments, see above.
A question for you, if you don't mind: how has the process of D affected your 'Boyos' and what are you doing to help their transition? I know a huge sense of guilt hits me anytime my son, "Bubby" (son's pet name and NO, I am not allowed to call him that in front of ANYONE ) and I discuss the possibility of D. ...I admire YOUR strength to be the adult/parent in the situation and do what is best for your 'Boyos'. That is MY primary focus...to be who Bubby needs me to be, the person I desire to be.
(Now, within a week, Mr. STBXNell deviated from the script when Boyo1 asked "but WHY, why SPECIFICALLY?" and lied: Because we have different goals... which then turned into Boyo1 telling his friend that it was because we "wanted to go on different vacations and stuff." I repeated that to Mr. STBXNell and we discussed again why it is important not to deviate from the script, and how he could turn the conversation back to talking about Boyo1's feelings, etc., next time... but I digress yet again.)
Boyo1 (older one) is very change averse and ADHD, but is a happy kid in general. When he's angry/frustrated/sad, he tends to pick through all his sad memories and bring them up at once (friend's dog died, great-grandmother who he met twice died, mom and dad getting divorced, we moved when he was three and he liked that house, and four years ago I made him pay for a full bottle of shampoo when he dumped it out but I didn't make his brother pay for a nearly-empty bottle of soap when he dumped it out, etc.). So we help him work through that and get to the other side. After one particularly bad day at school, precipitated by his classmates doing something rather mean, I told him I would ask him every night if he wants to talk and I would just listen and I do that. So far he hasn't wanted to talk about anything but I keep asking. He's also a planner and logistics expert, so we get random questions about where the dog is going to live, for example. He is talking about it, so I feel confident that we can help him through any troubles he has with this.
Boyo2 doesn't seem to be thinking about it at all. But he's only 6 and, except for me sleeping in the guest bed, there have been no changes to any of our day-to-day lives as yet.
I assume they will both have some issues in the future, but at this point I feel like we're on top of everything. Inasmuch as that is possible.
I think if a M can have good sex when in the right frequency, creativity, each taking turns with effort and initiation, without greed, then you won't need to look at porn. You will be satisfied. But itís hard because you can only control yourself. You cannot control what your spouse does not want to do. I am not at a healthy sex stage yet. But I am not afraid to communicate to my W. And I believe she is coming around. Who knows what the future will bring.
Porn becomes just like a drug as that guy said too. I don't look down at anyone who looks at porn. I was hoping that guy would have the courage to communicate in a good way to his W. It's hard to end habits and sex rules couples develop after Aís. Sex is so powerful to emotional health.
I have read a book called Men's Fantasies. Who am I to judge a man who fantasizes? People have weird fantasies as I see it. But that book did teach me that all fantasies are based on your youth and history. i.e. A man fantasies about woman 20 years older because as a youth a woman molested him. Sex feels good and as a 12 year old child thinks, you just know it feels good and what could be wrong with a 30 year old woman giving you head? Of course the dday is when you know that is socially unacceptable, itís like a LTA, your whole life of reality was faked.
Anyway, I hope all peace.
miracle always says take the path of least regret. having said that -- might I suggest refraining from making any major decisions until you're stable on your new medication? It's just a thought. Either way, hang in there.
Tryn -- yup. Agree with it all.
Nell -- You rock. As for Mr.STBXNell, as Pink sings:
I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Take your drinks just give me the money ....
tryn ~ I appreciate your authenticity as you respond on SI. I agree with much of what you wrote about the use of porn and can relate to it......
m334455 ~ the more I am open about my life the more I find others struggling with very similar stories. Is it terrible that I feel better knowing I'm not alone and/or crazy? Your advice from miracle is spot-on though. The same my old psych gave me. Wait until I am stable before making any decisions. Thanks mucho for the reminder! Being off the meds and without IC after 2 months of having both and some hope for life is just cruel to me.... Like those two months were just a dream, a respite from the 40 years of madness.... One minute, one hour, one day at a time.... I had the strength to make it this far and I'm NOT giving up now!!!
Have a truly fabulous day Tribe; I am thankful, today, for a safe place (SI) to clear my mind and refocus my heart to be thankful for who I am and what I DO have!
I know it's rugsweeping completely, but I'm stuffing it all way down right now. I have to survive the next week, and there's NO way I'm doing it if I think about stuff.
My birthday was ok....not too horribly triggery which was nice. Helped that fWH realized I was having a hard time and came home early from work.
Anniversary of my dad's death coming up. Mom's leg is infected and she is probably looking at more surgery. fWH is probably looking at surgery too in the next few weeks. And my inlaws (who I've leaned on this whole time) are leaving for a few months.
I just can't think about any of it right now. Sigh.
Feeling very overwhelmed. And sad. Mostly, sad.
It's too bad we can't meet and have a wii bowling party! along with a few glass of wine.. LOL
ats.. I listen to your song while getting ready this morning.. Me, I cuss when I can't find my keys.. She was sweet singing that song.. My song Lyrics would be.. motherF'r motherF'r.. where are may damn keys....
But there are no keys, there is no answer, and it is time to put all of that expensive IC to work and get back to OK.
Sometimes they just do not realize that what they say is a trigger to us. Good job on your part. Not confronting when she was sick was the best thing to do. Nothing good would have come out of that.
Those keys are supposed to be in the last place you put them. How those motherf's move around on their own is a mystery to me.
ats ~ I respect your strength in not discussing your trigger because you are able to recognize, in that moment, that you would not receive a healthy response/reaction to it... Yah, a drink would be great during those times but with my BPI dx., well, it just isn't healthy for me anymore... (insert pouting face here).. and your song, well, it just made me laugh and Lord knows I needed that! Thx!
The whole losing keys topic reminds me of something I write in my daily planner...
"Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most"...
great quote.... timeless, really
Happy Friday, Tribe!
Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.
Not too much can fix that. I have to find a way to do something he'd want me to do today, something he would have loved.
I'm not even dealing with the other crap in my life at the moment. This is hard enough.
Amongst the laughter, jokes and general merriment, I saw Ellejayís post about her friend and my face froze and my throat dried up. My good god, what terrible things people do to commit suicide. I am so, so sorry my friend. I have been absent in this thread and had no idea. As she says, beyond horrific. Just so shocked. I do hope she can be helped and healed inside and out.
Laura, it is those additional pangs when we realise we wonít have those memories we can turn to at a time of loss. I honestly believe that if I were to find my H dead, I wouldnít feel the same depth of grief or sense of loss as I have over his affair(s). I hope your friend finds peace in her memories of her lovely H.
so i now wonder when the A actually started & if my last 2 children are in fact mine.
m33, Poor Sunshine. Hope heís getting better and better.
(((((WYE))))) Having lost my Dad 8wks ago, I can imagine your sadness on this day. Hugs to you. Take care of your own health. As you have said, your motherís poor health is much of her own making. I have spent some time staying with and helping a friend who has been in hospital with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Iíd never heard of it before. She had been told she had it and to stop smoking a couple of years ago but she went into furious denial Ė ďall these doctors trying to tell me that anything I get wrong with me is to do with smokingÖÖĒ Now sheís had the scare of being unable to breathe, having oxygen administered to her, given two inhalers and various tablets and finally admits it ďmightĒ have something to do with her smoking! Sheís given up. Finally. So, you cannot control her situation, only how you react to it. You are doing the best thing. Stay slightly removed and leave things to the hospital and other carers. Take care of YOU.
Tryní and menz:
Do you think ALL men have slight porno fantasies? I ask because fWH has never asked me to do anything porn-like. Iíve never offered, mind you. Never kept my heels on, never done a strip tease, none of that. He liked it when I gave him full body massage Ė that would either send him to sleep (and send me to the guest room cos he was sprawled in the middle of the bed) or get him horny. But I donít/wonít do massages anymore, havenít done them since meeting MOW. And I donít think I want to do anything MOW-ish, donít want remind him or me of her. Neither of us watch porn, btw. Watched it a bit early post d-day, but frankly, itís repetitive, predictable and boring. Suggestions on a postcard pleaseÖÖ.
Okay, so Mr UKg has gone off to a rugby game and wonít be home until the wee small hours. This is one occasion when I know thatís where he is. He is with the owner and chairman of the club. Thereís no way heíd lie about that. Even if it IS coming up for fucking Valentineís Day. I think heís planning to be away that night Ė which might be for the best all round. I fucking hate V-Day. But to those who are thinking of doing something romantic with their respective partnersÖÖ enjoy the planning and look forward to the day!
[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:13 PM, February 10th (Friday)]
Do you think ALL men have slight porno fantasies?
At the risk of over generalizing I will say yes. One of the things FWW will not do is come to bed with make-up on or some clothing still on. I found find this erotic, but for her it is too similar to meeting OM during the middle of the day and being all dolled up and having some clothing left on in case the OM's BS came home and FWW had to make a hasty get away.
FWW has always tried to work at erotic dancing (pole, belly, booty), but god bless her she has no rythym. Still, she wants to be erotic and like the media portrays. I think for her since she lacks some self-concept and looks to the external for clues on how to act, porn provides the clues for how to act when being sexual.
As for watching porn, FWW is seemingly more interested than I am right now. Especially since she becan getting her T shots she asks what porn I like, asks to get some up on the laptop or phone when we are playing in bed.
happy weekend to you too LIBM
My dday started a 2 month period of HBíing. I did not find SI until 3 months post dday to even know what that was. I have no doubt HB did something for me. I also believe this help save our M early on. It was affirmation for me. My W finally ended it because she was as Nell said, ďfaking pornĒ to me. She got to the point she just could handle it any more. I know I did not watch porn during or for months after that.
For my W to have sex with another man was pretty devastating. I know for months and months the visions of them having sex together was mental pain and trauma for me. It was the most horrible feelings. My feelings of anger, loss, cause crying, and all those feelings Iím you all know too well. I would say I had thousands of visions of them having sex in his office and at hotels dominated my thoughts. All in all, I would say Iíve had over a thousand hours of those visions. As I think about it today, I doubt anyone could believe that if you did nothing but thinking about that all in one solid thought, that 9 weeks during my post 40 month dday. As months went by, I became desensitized to those visions and I eventually accepted. You might say I mastered or managed the anxiety, the thoughts, to a point where my feelings just donít react the way they first did. If I want too, I can place myself in mediation and force myself to feel it again.
As I think about it today, my viewing porn was not so good for my M. Yes, it was my choice to do that and I donít blame my W for that choice I made. Iím sure it had some sort of negative effect on my intimacy toward my W. Maybe this made it easier for her to make a bad choice and have her A.
I have a boundary today. I am not going to be married to my W should she choose not to have healthy sex with me. If we donít have sex a couple times a week, my brain starts to want porn, a fantasy of an old GF, old ONS before M, and the urges are very powerful.
Heck, I donít know if I am normal or not. But I do know that Dr Oz had a show and he said 2-3 times a week is good for a manís brain. Do I think that is the case for a woman? Not really unless the man is able to provide his woman with what she needs.
And what my W needs me to do is not easy for me to provide. But now, Iím getting pretty good at it. I just now think my W is coming out of her depression. Hers lasted about a year longer than mine. Maybe I see her happiness returning and that what gave me suspension and decided not to trust. So far, several week with the GPS and all is good. Another 4 weeks and I will be satisfied. She is very transparent. Her cell when out the other night and she made a point to call me to let me know. From her friend cell.
AtsÖ When I felt like you, I would try hard to forge on with good behaviors and not make my W feel bad over it. I never let her get away these days by treating me poorly. Were you treated poorly? When my W does treat me bad, I make it a point to tell her my feelings. Boundary.. I am not going to be M to my W if she discounts my feelings. My W is not afraid to tell me when I make her feel like shit either. I apologize, try hard not to do it again.
Wye.. I hope you took a chance to do something your Dad would have love for you to do.
Let it be me.. I forgot to thank you and M3 for making comments about the porn issue.
Oh well, peace outÖ
[This message edited by trynhard at 3:39 PM, February 10th (Friday)]
fWH isnít insistent on sex, although I know he would like it at pretty much any and every opportunity. But itís not what I want at the moment. If Iím not engaged emotionally or just having fun, I feel pretty sordid and grubby. I know itís linked to the affair and MOW because I never used to feel quite so bad about it. Sometimes, before d-day, Iíd feel like a receptacle Ė wham, bam thank-you ma-am type of thing. But I didnít really mind, that was just H getting his rocks off. I used to call in having a wank in a tank. Devoid of feeling and just action. Now I do mind. A lot. And yes, I can totally relate to feeling like shit for doing it. So I wonít.
But Iím BORED, yíknow? I did all the making an effort and he took all the pleasure. Yes, he made me feel sexy and wanted, but I was still bored! I think with my Dad dying and still having the burial of ashes to go to next week, not having really grieved over him at all, just sad and missing my boys like mad, wishing they would come home, the wife of a really good friend who has had day surgery yesterday for breast and lymph cancer and HIS dad is now not far from death, my other friend with her COPD who I went down to help out after SHE had been in hospital, sex isnít really featuring at the forefront of my mind right now! But. It used to be one of those things that helped in situations like this. Now it doesnít. I donít think itís my age, I think itís depression with the root cause being Hís infidelities.
Sheesh. Sometimes I love a little escape affair myself.