Thank you all who have help make me feel better.
Celebrate the best you can... whether it's with your spouse or celebrating the wonder of yourself!
February is my Dday month... also the anniversary of our first date. I'm taking it day at a time and trying to be positive but still fighting the resentment and not always winning.
Just surviving today....barely.
(((((WYE))))), same for you honey. Try to take time out for yourself and don’t let the woman get you down. Seems she is being the recalcitrant child and you the adult.
Well, that’s Valentine’s Day over for another year. Phew. fWH was out of the house at 5am this morning and is staying away tonight. Relief all round. One of these days I’m gonna ask him what was so fucking special about V-day for him and MOW. He sent her a text that said something about being consumed by her for 1580 days – when I worked it back, it was to a V-day.
I’m done. Well done to everyone who made it through and double well done to all those who celebrated.
For the last 5 years VD has been a micro-view of how we were doing.
2007, I left her on VD to go to a boat show
2008, over did things with gifts, she got mad
2009, trying to make things good, took the boat to hear a band at the park and picniced,
dday Fall 2009
2010, big fight at hotel, I was drunk not used to alcohol after losing 50#, her phone broken when she stomped on it, I walked 5 miles home
2011, nothing special
2012, I fixed the surf and turf she requested. Enjoyed listening as she told DS the story of the first meal I fixed for her (pheasant I shot and cleaned with French vegetables)
On the other news, former OM did not get the promotion he applied for! I did not participate, but one of my staff did.
My life is good, I love my wife, I really appreciate all of the support each of you have provided to get me through this. Tryn especially challenged me when I was ready give up. iwam was a perfect mother hen, and honest was there on the late nights. Dip understood the special dynamics of my sich. all of the rest of you, I only have to look through my journal and post record to see you stepping up to lend me a shoulder.
Thank you all.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:50 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]
Hugs and love all around.
2002 – Thurs – definitely with her – a date of great significance. We had been at a friend’s WEDDING the Saturday before. Ugh!
2003 – Fri – probably stayed the 13th to have a Valentine’s Champagne breakfast on 14th.
2004 – Sat – probably with her the week leading up to 14th. We had been to his parent’s Golden Wedding Anniversary weekend on the 6/7/8 of Feb. Smug bastard. Gave him something to look forward to, I guess.
2005 - Mon – Probably with her. Good day of the week to be away.
2006 – Tues – he was with her 13th, slept over to be with her on V-Day morning. Fucker.
*D-day July 2006*
2007 – Wed – Local Italian restaurant. He got drunk and tried to give me my rings back.
2008 – Thu – “romantic dinner” at Michelin restaurant.
2009 – Sat – recovering from surgery (planned to avoid V-day)
2010 – Sun – Michelin restaurant again.
2011 – Mon – SIL’s funeral
2012 – he was in a hotel with three work colleagues. Well, he said he was and I don’t think he was lying.
So, we never did V-day and Mr UKg’s excuse was that it was commercialism at its worst with jacked up prices for flowers and restaurant, i never even got a card. Nothing. I remember giving him cards and him saying "but we don't do V-day....." I now realise it was because it was “their” day, an anniversary of some sort. I think he felt that celebrating that day would be somehow betraying her, like way he never properly proposed marriage to me either - that was for her too. V-day 2002 is referred to in a text he sent to her, something about 1580 days and I tracked it back to Feb 14th.
So, he can keep the date/anniversary/whatever. We never did it and I certainly don’t want it reassigned to me as some sort of demonstration that he doesn't love her anymore.
fWH sent me a ILY text yesterday morning. I didn’t reply.
Still. Today is a new day. I am going to my Mum's tomorrow for the internment of Dad's ashes on Friday. It will just be Mum, my two brothers and my sister. One SIL may be there, fWH may attend too. But it will be us five and the vicar for this ceremony. It'll be nice to spend a couple of days with close family.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:26 AM, February 15th (Wednesday)]
VDay's past - My stbxh didn't agree with Valentine's Day, said it was just a load of commercial crap and he didn't need a "day" to be reminded to send me flowers. Not that he sent me flowers any other day during the year .
VDay 2012: Best VDay EVER for me. Didn't have to sit there in the office watching everyone else get flowers delivered knowing I would get none. But wait........at 3.30 pm I picked my darling DD up from school. There she was carrying a red rose she had bought from the Service Station a few minutes before. The look on her face when she presented me with it was priceless. The look on my face was probably worth even more to her. Best VDay ever, most treasured rose I will ever receive.
The power of one rose when it comes from the right place is, as you say priceless! I suppose you are going to save that rose for a long time.
The internment is best done with just the close family. It just makes it so much more personal. Thinking of you.
My V-day 2012 kind of sucked. It seems I said something that pisses off a BPD woman. The evening was going pretty good and then boom! She had a few hours of whining shit fit and then went to bed early. Such a lovely V-day.
No one asked me out yesterday. I must be losing my touch! (Although as I was waiting for my friend to arrive last night the elderly female museum volunteer told me that I was much too pretty to be stood up. Can that count? )
Define elderly please. It will help when I decide if what she said counts.
I don't know which gender she prefers, though. She could have been a sugar mommy.
Elderly = mil = 87
I've been told that 60 is the new 40 so I'll take that. 40(1991) was a good birthday year for LS. Still in loving marriage - surprise bday party given by DH - roses sent to my office, delivered by a 'nerd' (singing telegram-type event which was witnessed by the whole Engineering dept.)
This year was a wkend family event: dinner @ Olive Garden on Sunday with DD, DSiL & DGS plus a nephew we'd not seen in yrs. Monday we had dinner with DS#1 & DDiL @ Mongo Grill and yesterday we had lunch with MiL @ Boston Pizza. Babysat our grandson on Monday. FWH had been away since last Sunday and left again @ 6p. yesterday!
TMI alert: A few kisses but no private moments or lovemaking (ED script not renewed by FWH - I don't initiate w/o it due to previous occasions, before Dday & since, where FWH was frustrated & refused to believe that I love/d him regardless) I know he's been busy but I could have called pharmacy if asked to. V-Day has been marred since 2007 when his A was discovered a week before, 7/02/07, the morning he left for business trip. I had no idea about SI - hyperventilated all morning along with panic/anxiety attack and confronted when he came home to pack.
I think there was a conversation thread recently about dates being remembered differently by women or not at all by men... Feb.6/70 was our first date (he remembers this if he realizes that it is the 6th) Dday was Feb.7/07. I'm pretty sure he recalls this but won't acknowledge. Seems to have no idea how much he has changed our married life with his A.
At 5 yrs past D-day I am still a quivering tearful wife when alone with my thoughts...
I was wondering which team the old lady was playing on. She may have been a switch hitter! Based on your accurate age guess, I think what she said counts as 1/2. You probably just had a off day. I'm sure your total count will increase when you get into the game full time.
They do just have no idea how much our married life changes with the A. I guess this goes along with the ability to betray someone for so long.
Dip PM'd me some encouragement to join in on this thread. I have been reading for awhile and thinking about joining, but have been shy about doing so.
Some of you might know my story, but I am almost 15 months into R following fWH's 2.5 year LTA. I think the "LT" aspect of an A definitely complicates things, and in my case, that's certainly true. fWH had dragged his feet on having kids in the first place, but when he decided he was ready, I took him at his word. I was 36 when our son was born, and within a few months he announced he was done having kids, and then his A started shortly afterward.
The fact that his A lasted so long, and that he lied throughout to keep my hope alive that we would have a future together, meant that by the time it ended, I was almost 40. He has since decided he wants another baby, and I definitely do (in fact, I had talked to my doctor about having one on my own if we divorced) so now we are actively trying for another child, even though we are not fully reconciled yet. I don't have the luxury of time, and have had 2 miscarriages in the last 8 months, which has made R hard. The extra pressure to conceive and the stress of losing pregnancies is hard on me, and it brings up a lot of resentment toward fWH. Both he and MOW knew I wanted more children, and at times I feel like he decided I was so worthless that I was lucky to have him, even as he was, and that I didn't deserve to be able to choose my own path.
Thankfully, I am able to usually deal with those tough feelings, and fWH is really stepping up in R, but it is hard, to be sure.
I'm looking forward to reading more and being able to relate to others who have dealt or are dealing with the fallout from an LTA.
More later... I've not had enough coffee yet today to form any real thoughts. Just wanted to respond.
Have you looked into EMDR at all? It really helped me to learn to work through and then let go of my anger and my fears (which was what the anger was covering up).
Half a point; I'll take it.
It went well though. fWH did all the right things...and I just can't stop my mind from constantly wandering. Did he do these things for her? Why didn't he do them for me before? I know I'm not helping myself, but I can't stop it from happening.
Mostly, though, things are okay with him. I think. Today. LOL
As for things with my toxic mother, I think I'm about done. She's lying about me and to me, seems to be broke now, and is probably looking at another surgery. Thing is.....I'm done caring.
I can't do this anymore.