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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - I hope you find the peace & contentment you are looking for & deserve.

((Tryn))

And Laura - I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:03 AM, February 19th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
I know that you have been struggling lately.
R after infidelity is hard....
R after a LTA is even tougher.

I hope you do find peace and happiness. You deserve it.

Have you told your wife about your plans to S?
Or are you still in the early planning stages?

Take care.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, best wishes as you prepare for the next part of your journey. All of us who know you know that this is not a rash choice. You have studied what tools work and do not work to build a loving relationship, and this may be the tool that you and your W's M needs. It was my moving out, albeit briefly, that pushed FWW off the fence about our M, and began her on the path of changing herself to be a better partner. Prior to my moving out, she had been working on the M by telling herself she would never have another A, explaining to me and the MC what she needed, and trying to be more tolerant of the things she did not like about me. When she saw what us D-ing would be like (meeting at DS's ballgame and then leaving separately for the night, spending her evenings alone, explaining to family and friends why I was not around), that is when she committed to doing the work to be a better M partner.

My personality has brought me both great happiness and at the same time hurt that continues.

We are who we are. I had to learn to accept me and not apologize if people did not like who I am. FWW had to learn that the parts of my personality that she was uncomfortable with were not signs I did not love her, but facets of the same gem. That which makes me a success in organization and planning, also can express as me compulsive and inflexible at times.

Laura, you have been struggling lately too, and I am sorry to read that you lost a friend in your life. Our pets really are sources and objects of unconditional love.

Hello Godsgirl, it is good to see a post from you again.

What are my kids going to think of their Dad when they grow up and learn about what he did when they were born?

If he is recovered and present for them, they may marvel at the effort to change to be a good father and husband. You and he both will be proof that M is a commitment, and that there is redemption through remorse and change.

Things are good with FWW and I. Our life is more struggle than I would like, but the results of 20 years of dysfunctional M echo far into the future. Finances, children’s attitudes, geographic locations, lost opportunities; all of these will take more time to resolve than our relationship. What is good is that we are working on these together, with honest opinions (I hope). I needed FWW to show me that I was attractive and desirable to her as a man. I have felt this way for the last 2 months. She says it is the shots that help he to feel aroused, but I am happy to be the focus of her arousal.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn... hugs. I know this is not a decision made lightly. I am praying for you. And for us all, really.
XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
RSEB
♀ Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I just wanted to ask all the regular BS's that post here, can a FWS post here as well? I am a FWS who had a 6 year LTA, DDay is over 2 years ago. My H and I are in R and I am remorseful and trying everything I can think of to help him heal, when he lets me. I just feel that a LTA is SO impossible to deal with and the WS forum is not enough.

Thank you for your time.

RSEB


ME - FWS


Posts: 259 | Registered: Feb 2012
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryinhard,
I know we don't know each other very well but I just wanted to offer you encouragement in your journey. Sometimes our best choice is to step back and seek God and let God work. That's how I choose to view my separation. I'm giving God my time and finding my peace and trying not to be consumed by SAWH, our M, the A's, and everything else involving him. My healing is taking priority over my sense of responsibility to everyone and everything else.

I hope you find your peace!


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin - may you find the inner peace that eludes you. Take care,

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying - take care of yourself bro - I hope you find what you need to move forward.

Can you please (when your ready) your wifes reaction / response.

RSEB - I have no objection to you posting here but be warned it may be a tough gig to play otherwise welcome.

Tribe - take care - this week I inform a wife that her husband is cheating on her. wish me luck for I can already feel the blade in my back


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey njgal…

We were watching The Bachelor a few nights ago. The model is very cocky and manipulative. She is aggressive and the Bachelor went skinny dipping together. Initiated by her. My W made some sort of comment about how could he be so blind. I said most men like that from a woman. I can understand how he feels. This took the discussion into the “I want her to initiate” and how it would that me feel. Very simple request to me. My W gets so angry and defensive over this subject. Says this request makes her not want to have sex with me. Whatever “pressure” she calls it. She really has never initiated much throughout our whole M. I ask her to change that for me. Of course, I just cannot understand it and I’m crazy, I don’t get it. Nope, I don’t. How hard is it to initiate sex with someone? It’s supposed to be fun, happy, closeness and all that stuff. We agreed to go to a sex therapist, but you all know the drill, She did not call, she did not pursue it, it’s left up to me again. I’m not doing this heavy lifting this time. A fight.

Basically, I am not going to be with anyone who does not want to have healthy sex. I think it is only fair a woman should initiate a few times each year. It really boils down to her not choosing to love me for whatever reason, since I she cannot say the reason other that I don’t “get it” or all her friends think like her, or this is just not her. She’s not going to change for me.

Honestly, I don’t blame her. I just need to accept and learn how to do things that will make me a better man. I'm trying to change her an I should have been more flexible when it comes to sex. A selfish little boy in a man's body. I do feel good about me for all the love I do give her. I can tell you this, making money, being a good provider to the family, me making dinner, bring up coffee every morning, washing more cloths, spending more quality time, listening more, tons of different types of compliments, dinners, gifts of a poem, roses, trips, games, long back rubs and I am very nice to her.

Something is missing. My friend says it may not me and that something is missing in my W. He says I need to face the fact she never had any courage to end it, but reality is she does want it to end but her fear prevents it. I’m sure you can all relate to the fears we face.

Really, I am just giving up.

It really is about me, it’s like that third dove is always hanging around. The cloud over my head. I just don't feel loved by her right now. I think it is intentional. It turns me off.Honestly, this is the first time I can ever remember not even wanting to have sex with my W.

Nothing on the GPS but if it is not sure proof. I cannot see any emails from her work or phone. It’s really like.. WTF am I doing.

I have not decided when to tell her although in our fight words already were said. I suppose I will have an attorney start the docs. My son graduates in May and we have a whole bunch of family visiting. I suppose once they leave, I will have S papers ready. I don’t want the attention on us during his special day. My son will live at home for awhile. I am not going to warn her for financial reasons and to protect me. I’m taking ats strategy for awhile and going celibate, not to punish my W, but doing this for me. Going to focus on me for awhile now not our M and read a few more books, talk to my priest, maybe IC, and focus on being stronger, better, man and do things that make me happy.

Thanks all for you words.


RSEB… I welcome you joining in the thread. You can certainly provide a new perspective. I was thrown off the Wayward board during my anger phase of grief so I cannot post over there. All I can say to you is pay close attention to all those healthy M things, and do them. And even with all that, you cannot control the choices and decisions your spouse makes.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:26 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Honestly, I don’t blame her. I just need to accept and learn how to do things that will make me a better man. I do feel good about me for all the love I do give her. I can tell you this, making money, being a good provider to the family, me making dinner, bring up coffee every morning, washing more cloths, spending more quality time, listening more, tons of different types of compliments, dinners, gifts of a poem, roses, trips, games, long back rubs and I am very nice to her.
Something is missing."

Tryn - I hope you don't mind my popping in and making a little observation but it seems to me that you have been doing most of the work in R and perhaps this is one of the major frustrations in trying to move forward. (Btw, I'm on a new computer and having a little trouble so I was unable to box your quote )
I was wondering if you would be willing (or able) to list every one of the above things you have done and any others not listed above and beside each one place a similar effort you feel your W has been doing throughout this process to contribute to your R. It seems that you have been doing so much of the work and are now feeling the frustration of perhaps not feeling the same effort from your W. Maybe I'm wrong but it does seem that your efforts far outweigh those of your W and it is understandable that you feel "like just giving up."
As BS's we need to see - no MUST see considerable effort on the FWS part to work at making the M a priority. You have mentioned many times that your W does not want to go to C'ing. Now it is up to you again to make the appointment for sex therapy which is a fair request on your part.
I honestly don't understand her statement that she isn't going to change for you. If there is one thing I've learned through this process it is that R requires a great deal of change. And certainly not only on the part of the BS. Everything about the relationship changes and each partner in the relationship must evaluate what changes need to be made in order for the M to survive.
In my own M I can tell you that pre d-day I led a very independent lifestyle. My H was never home and never made time for us so instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself I led a very full and exciting life separate from him. After d-day I knew this had to stop. This was a very difficult change that I am still adjusting to. I miss those days of picking up and taking off whenever I wanted to with no thought of whether this was good for us. When I chose to stay and work on the M I fully expected that each of us would be working toward a better M. I never intended to do the work by myself nor did I expect him to be the only one to make changes. Granted, the FWS has so much more work to do.
What I have seen in these years on SI is that the most successful R's are those where the FWS has gone through extensive C'ing to understand how they could have led such duplicitous lives. And for every year that they were unfaithful, IMHO, the extent of their C'ing needs to be greater. Your W and my H both had 8 year A's. "8 fucking years" as my C reminded my H when he was feeling sorry for himself. 8 years of living a double life is no small infraction. Why should you or I or any BS expect to do all the hard work of R???
When my H told me after a year or so of C'ing that he didn't need C'ing any longer "but you can go if you still need it" I was so furious. He didn't want to know the WHY or the HOW of his LTA. He just wanted it all to go away and continuing in C'ing kept the A and his betrayal a constant. What he didn't understand was that until I could understand the WHY and the HOW of his LTA, I would never be able to fully trust him that he would never do this again.

I don't know really what I can offer you in this long-winded response. So many are wishing you "peace" and so do I. When I was reading everyone's posts I couldn't help but think of the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I love this prayer. To me it is at the very heart of finding true peace.
For each of us this prayer may mean something different.
For me, I know that accepting that my H had an 8 year LTA has been the most difficult part of my healing. How does one "accept" such a horrific thing??? Acceptance is the final step in the Grief process. It is the very thing that will grant us the peace we desire. But it is, IMHO, the toughest hurdle to overcome.

I have gone through every one of the 5 stages of grief. I have bargained, been in denial, been angry for more years than I'd like to admit and have been devastatingly depressed. It has taken me 6 years to move through these stages and although I feel closer than ever to reaching that final, glorious stage of acceptance, in truth I am still not there. But I believe I will get there and maybe, hopefully sooner than I expect. May we all get to this place so that we can reach a place of peace within our hearts and souls.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys...I have a new issue. And it's a big one. :(

A mutual friend of OW1 just dropped dead of a heart attack last night.

I just found out a few hours ago. We're dealing with the shock of it all, plus the immediate realization that OW1 WILL BE AT THE FUNERAL. For sure.

I feel like I am going to be sick.

fWH worked with this man for years, and they were friends.

fWH's initial reaction was that we don't have to go. He is having issues with his gallbladder anyway, and can just give that as a reason he can't go.

I told him no. He's going. He is in a position in his office that he HAS to go. Period. And if he's going, I sure as hell am.

There's no way in hell he's going anywhere near OW ever again without me attached to his hip.

I told him that he has to deal with the consequences of the choices he made, and this is one of them. He has to face this. He can't just ignore it.

We have to go, and he has to make her irrelevant. Which means I have to find a way to do the same thing.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I never wanted to see her every again, and now it's a guarantee.

How am I going to get through this????


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye:

We have to go, and he has to make her irrelevant. Which means I have to find a way to do the same thing

here, you said what you need to do yourself...make her irrelevant....why because SHE IS IRRELEVANT!!!....of course as is irrelevant as she is, she is still a thorn....and we cut thorns off and throw them away so that she can no longer have that "pricking" power....

you will walk in with your husband, arm in arm, holding your head straight and you will look past her as if she didn't exist....and with this you will win a major battle within yourself....

you take it one minute at a time, one second at a time, take a xanax before you go, tell your husband EACTLY what you expect from him every step, every possible step of the way.....keep breathin and have something lined up to look forward to....something to take your thoughts to....like a short trip, a day at the spa, a day of shopping, a day of just bein in your pj's all day watchin old movies....pick something that brings you joy and peace and plan it....

((((wye))))


(((larua))) i am so sorry for your loss of wo"mans" best friend....

tryn: oh tryn, i am so sorry to hear your pain....i understand why, i understand the when....take the time til the when to really think it over....and if you still feel then as you do now it will be gone into with careful long thought....

and im with fnf...the brunt needs to be on the ws....and she has not stepped up, and i don't believe it has anything to do with you...i think she has some big deep deep issues....and unless she is ready and is willing to see them it aint ever gonna happen....sorry tryn

(((tryn)))

hit submit too soon...

dp: which wife are you tellin...yours or your wifes om's....

hello godsgirl...wavin

fnf...good to see you postin....


as for the question.....

"Has anyone ever made sense of it all?
The M. The A. The M and R."

my answer is NO...you cannot make sense of the unsensicle...(new word).....we cannot make sense of it, and its so odd, because we NEED to make it make sense...or at the very least understand the how's and whys......does not mean the hows and whys will make sense though.....

bottom line....if the ws does not get to the bottom of their whys, their hows and their issues....the bs cannot heal completely within the marriage....for true, happy and healthy reconcilliation to take place imo, the ws has to do just that....or the bs will never feel that peace within within the marriage.....

just my 2 cents...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:40 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB

well, i say welcome to our little corner of si....i also say that if you are truly remorseful and really want to ALL that you can....you will keep an open mind, open ears and an open heart....listen with compassion, empathy and above all listen knowing that you were on the giving end of the pain we all feel...not to us of course but to your bs....and if you are open to it, send your wife here to si, and to this forum...this place is truly aplace of healing, no matter what the outcome, we are all here for the same thing to heal....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

om's wife will be informed this wek.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF... Your post did bring me comfort. I have been unable to execute forgiveness. I still say things to her that will make her feel guilty. In this fight, I was first to tell her that I need to find another partner and I brought her A. I threw that first punch you might say. This seems to happen about every 3-4 months and always about the same thing. Always about sex…. Always about my inability to control myself. For me, I am unable hurdle the “from my heart” forgiveness.

After over 3 years post dday, I just thought I was a stronger man. I did not cry this time, and for the first time, I just don’t want to have sex with my W.

Iwant, perhaps I did click too soon. My feelings are still mixed. This marriage is not going to work if I cannot master forgiveness. Peace is not having these thoughts and feelings…. “that lingering third dove is constantly behind me.” I think about just knowing that is the new me... but I don't like the new me.

H&C.. I am sorry for that smart ass post to you. Early on in my M, my comfort level, my innocents, my own feelings and actions were not the kind of intimacy a woman needs. My W ate the apple because the needs to have those feelings were that strong for her. She was unable to communicate to me what I needed to do because she buried her feelings. Perhaps I did not listen or discounted them. Do I think I am much different that any other M? Not really. So many M’s are not so healthy.

You know when you just date, you naturally give these things to another person. The things I say that bring true intimacy… words of affirmations, flexibility in sex, and doing anything for that person.. Over time, those things we did both did for each other, just went away. I can admit these past 3 years we improved dramatically.

My W is just not getting those feelings back despite my changing. It’s no wonder when I throw all this back in her face. I honestly believe I am mentally unable to make this work. I don’t regret trying this hard. But sometimes, things happen that are too damaging for that deep sense “feelings” we all need for true peace. Perhaps that peace is gone forever for my relationship with my W.

I do have a gut “feeling” something good is waiting for me in the future.

DeepP... I am sorry you have to give OMW such bad news but she needs to know. It is so unfair to her.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:24 AM, February 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP- Telling the OM's wife is the right thing to do.
She deserves to know.
You are not protecting her or helping her in any way by not telling.
In my case the MOW's BH knew about the LTA for 2 yrs before I found out! He never told anyone that he knew! Not his WW...not me...no one.
He simply withdrew and moved out of the bedroom. For him this was the last straw.
You see...this was not her first affair.... not even her first LTA... they had gone through a d-day , R, etc. in the past...and after he found her graphic emails to my FWH he was done.
I did contact him ASAP after d-day and he was a very nice guy...we spoke a few times and even met up in person to exchange email evidence etc.
But...to this day I will say that it was not very nice of him to not tell me about the LTA as soon as he found out.
If I had known about it years earlier..it would have ended years earlier and it would have saved me so much additional grief and trauma.

So...based on my own experiences... I always advise that the OW's BH and the OM's BW should be told about the infidelity.

Tryin- I agree with FNF.I believe that after infidelity the only thing that saves a marriage is an all out effort on the part of the WS. No half ass efforts will do.
Everything about the marriage has to change, all the rules change...
The only way that I have been able to 'get over' the trauma of the LTA is due to my FWH's extreme efforts to change himself, and to make amends to me.
I kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day and filed for divorce. My FWH had to make a lot extraordinary efforts to win me back.
He first got my attention by going NC with the OW immediately and by distancing himself from all of his toxic friends. He got sober -he went to AA...but he went all out- 90 meetings in 90 days. He went to IC...but again all out...he went 2x per week for 6 months and then 1x per week for another year after that.
He went to MC with me. He went back to church. He went to counseling sessions with a minister.
And he showered me with love and affection....gifts, letters, emails....
I know the dynamic between men and women is different...but if I ever felt that my FWH was less than totally enthusiastic about sex with me...well that would have been a deal breaker for me too.
I can see where a betrayed wife can have issues about sex with her FWH but.... the WW should be making extraordinary efforts to win back her husband and sex is an important part of this.

I 'get' what you are saying about your WW... she's not 'all in'.
Now...whether she has issues from childhood etc. that are coming into play with her attitudes toward sex....or if it has to do with guilt about the LTA...or if it has to do with ambivalence about staying married to you...
she should be running to a therapist to figure out what is going on with her and she should be gladly going to sex therapy to help improve her marriage and win her husband back.

WYE- My first reaction about the funeral is that you do not have to go. He does not have to go. You could send a beautiful flower arrangement and also send a card with a donation to a cause in honor of the deceased etc.
I do not think that people sit around keeping score at a funeral...
but, if you really do believe that he needs to go then by all means you go too and hold your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of..the OW should be scurrying away and hiding like a rat.
And besides if you go to the viewing at the funeral home as opposed to the actual funeral there's a good chance that you will not bump into the OW.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 7:19 AM, February 20th (Monday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480

For me, I have felt that I can only control the decisions and choices I make. I can only try to communicate to her what I think I need. It then ultimately becomes her choice and decision. I have not needed much from her in the ways of gifts, services, quality time, and I get some words of affirmation. Sex is something I am trying to figure out. And right now, I think it needs to be with someone new.

And this… I have lived everyday now for 41 months thinking about infidelity is some way and in some form. This is not healthy IMO. I am going to change something.

Hey Allgood, can I ask you a question? Since S’ing… and having a new romance too… Did you make it through one day not thinking about cheating at some point?

Better yet.. Can I please poll everyone?

1) months since dday?
2) Have you made it through one day without thinking about infidelity is some form?


1) 41
2) no

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:37 AM, February 20th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better yet.. Can I please poll everyone?

1) months since dday?
2) Have you made it through one day without thinking about infidelity is some form?

1) 30
2) yes, I still think about it in some form most days, but there have been more than one day not thinking about it at all

I still think about the fresh start with a new person, and how special it could be. But then I realize this is my fantasy and ideal person I am thinking about, much like FWW and her OM. I believe there is no one better for me than FWW. Others may be just as good, but only different, not better.

I complained much that FWW was a day late and a dollar short in her work towards R. I think those were valid complaints on my part, but she did do the work eventually. Not everything I wanted, but enough. Enough to prove to me that I am important to her, that she values our M, and that she is changing herself to be different and better. She and I can both look to the past and understand why she had her A’s, and explain how she is different in her behaviors and perceptions now so that the chance of another A is greatly diminished.

I feel safe.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:05 PM, February 20th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn -
- 74 months since d-day.
- I believe there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about my H's infidelity in some form or another. The major difference is that the pain of that association has diminished greatly over time and now, even though I still think about it, it is only on rare occasions that I get upset with these thoughts. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we can't get away from thinking about it because there is always something in the news, on tv, on the radio, etc., that will bring the memories back.
I am interested to hear what Allgood says since she has separated. Do these thoughts really go away when your former WS is no longer a part of your daily life??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB - Welcome. I think it's great that a LTA WS is around. We are a tough bunch, and have been to hell and back, but I truly think we can learn from each other. I hope you'll stay.

DP - You are doing the right thing. (((hugs)))

Tryn - I feel that way a lot too. I know that the only way this marriage will work is if I can eventually get to forgiveness. Some days I think I can, other days I doubt I ever will.

To answer your question:
1) almost 8 months
2) NO.

In WYEland, I've been talking myself away from the ledge since we found out the news about the death.

IMO, he NEEDS to go to this funeral for professional reasons. And, like I've told him from dday, these are the consequences of choosing to have an affair with a co-worker in a relatively small field of people.

I honestly may call my doctor and get a prescription for xanax now...just in case I am about to freak the f*&% out.

He is still saying he thinks we shouldn't go because he doesn't want to hurt me more or force an uncomfortable situation. Gee, should have thought about that one sooner, honey.

Sigh. If I make it through this week, I should get a medal.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 10:10 AM, February 20th (Monday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

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