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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, he NEEDS to go to this funeral for professional reasons.
<snip>
I honestly may call my doctor and get a prescription for xanax now...
<snip>
He is still saying he thinks we shouldn't go because he doesn't want to hurt me more or force an uncomfortable situation.

WYE, with as full a plate as you have currently, I would think that you would welcome an opportunity to off-load some of the stress.

Very gently, this comes across a little bit controlling. It is his profession, and in his opinion he does not need to go. Now granted his judgment was not so good vis-a-vis the A, but does he generally have good professional judgment?

I would hate to think of people attending my eventual funeral out of a sense of professional obligation.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to face all these people, many of whom now know about the affair.

He wants to go to the funeral to pay his respects, and yeah, he needs to go for professional reasons.

They were friends, and coworkers for years. It's a tight knit professional community, and he honestly needs to go.

Besides which, if he doesn't go, it would give OW some power. Regardless of what his reason for not going may or may not be, she can't think it's because of her....she can't think that she can dictate where he goes and who he associates with in his work-life.

He would be going to the funeral to say goodbye to his friend and colleague, and she can't take that away from him.

I just have to get through it.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, only because you pointed it out, ats, I just asked him if he'd go if she didn't exist and this wasn't an issue. His answer was yes.

She can't control my life or his ever again.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin - I was not offended and always appreciate your posts. Too much resonates with my personal situation and helps me sort through my own issues.

1) 10 months
2) NO

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I said I wasn't going to post but I had to say
((Tryn))-Peace to you my friend, whatever that may be.

1)32 months
2)No

((Laura28)) So sorry about your dog.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) months since dday?
DDay#1 - 25
DDay#2 - 17
2) Have you made it through one day without thinking about infidelity is some form?
Hm... I don't think so. Although possibly. It's not top-of-mind any longer, but there's probably *something* infidelity-related that I think about every day. It doesn't hurt, though. It's just one of many craptastic things that Mr. STBXNell has or has not done since I've known him. And for me, it's been a blessing in big, ugly, hairy disguise because it's forced me to look under the mask and see what's really there. I could have lived the rest of my life thinking up ways to be content with half a relationship, when 15 years was more than enough.

TMI?

WYE - Whatever you do, please know that the OW only has the power that you give to her. It really doesn't matter what's going on in that sneaky little lizard brain of hers. She may believe that confetti falls from her nether-regions when she skips, or she may believe that she is, in fact, as worthless as a two-dollar bill. Who cares?! Not your problem. You absolutely cannot make decisions based on the signals that your actions will provide to some skank. It will drive you mad.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
I am 5 yrs post d-day and still think about the LTA every single day.
But.... I was obsessed with the affair and the OW post d-day... I thought about the LTA all day 24/7. There were times that i thought I was losing my mind because I could not stop thinking about it.
But.... I have to say that around 4 yrs- 4 and 1/2 yrs I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I did not obsess as much, the pain was not as intense when I did think about it...
I was even able to laugh at some of the ridiculous aspects of the LTA and the MOW in terms of what they did and how they behaved etc.
Now.. I still think about the LTA...but its just not as painful... I guess I'm moving into acceptance like FNF.
I think that with time...
the threads of the LTA years become woven into the quilt that is your marriage...
the good and the bad, the heartbreak...the happiness...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn....i am just over 3 years out...too tired to figure it out in months..

and i still think about it every single day....and worse, in moments when i am at peace and not thinkin bout it....i get a nudge, like a license plate with one of the ow's names on it...or a glance over to another direction and sure enough one of their names...especially ow #1...she seems to be haunting me...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn.

You have lived up to your screen name. You have tried hard. As hard as anyone could. You have hit a wall and are tired of this stuff. I know you have done some distance running and so you understand what it is like to "hit the wall." I know when running a person can often keep pushing and get past that wall. Sometimes this does not work and you just have to stop and rest. You may be due for a rest. Take the timeout and clear your head. Quit pushing for awhile and recharge.

Fnf.

keep making those "long winded posts." I can relate to those stages of grief. I think that it is easy to recycle through those stages many times. The one step forward two back kind of thing. Trauma is hard to forget and hard to cure.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may believe that confetti falls from her nether-regions when she skips

Yay! Thank you for this Nell, made me laugh for a good while.

I guess my point with it all is that I don't want her being the deciding force in any part of my life again. fWH wants to go, so we will go.

And I will do whatever I have to do to ignore her.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:

Sorry you have reached this decision after all this time but it sounds like it is what you need to do in order to move on and find happiness. You cannot go on like this for ever, in turmoil, you need to find peace with what has happened and I know you will find what you are looking for out there.

As far as the poll goes:

(1) 15 months
(2) NO

Driving back from dropping my D at school this morning I was thinking "how sad that for the past 15 months I have not got out of bed feeling happy or not traumatised". That is no way to live. It is less than half a life. It is not healthy in any way but on the other hand how do you get through this process without experiencing this? You can't. It sounds like you have worked through everything, cleaned out your emotions and are now ready for the next phase. I am so sorry you will not be able to take your FWW on that journey.

WYE: Don't let OW hold this power over you. WH will go and give his respects. You will get through it. I had to give evidence at a court case the other week involving OW1 and she had to walk past me every day. She was unable to look me in the eye (can't think why???). I just stood my ground. You will do the same. You belong there with no shame. She on the other hand has plenty to hang her head over. She is NOTHING. You are EVERYTHING.

Newbies: Welcome.

Laura: Hi Honey. RIP Casper, beautiful soul.

All the Tribe: Thinking of you. Haven't had time to post much. Still job hunting, still standing though.

Until the next time.

Hugs to all.

EJ xxxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

RSEB

Welcome. I understand why you are here. An LTA is definitely a monster of a different kind. I hope you will post your story. I think it is important that while you use our insights to help you understand and help your BS that you also help us when you can.

I truly admire your courage in coming here. I believe it reflects well on your character.

You do however need to be prepared for some pretty powerful venting and name calling at times. There are occasions when we need to let the fury fly. As everyone here knows I have the sweetest nature and am a lovely lady at heart but I can be a vindictive bitch with a vicious tongue at times.

((((WYE)))))

((((Tryn)))))

Well tribe, doctor has ordered less stress. I try not to focus too much on the As but cannot stay away from you. So I will read your stories but try to post only positive things. Forgive me if I don't respond to your individual sich's for a while. I need to stay calm and positive. It doesn't mean I don't care or empathise. I want to know how you are going. I just can't let myself focus on my hurt for too long which tends to happen when I respond to your posts. Hopefully I will "get over" this quickly.

These things should probably be in "Fun & Games" but I don't know the folks down there and need to stay with my family.

So Positive Post No 1:

FWH, DD, DS and I are going to Europe for a month in July. So exciting. This has always been a dream of mine (before dday) so we are going to do it. Hang the cost - that's what credit cards are for and you only live once: 6 days in Paris, 4 days in Berlin, 3 days in Prague, 3 days in Venice, 5 days in Rome and then a 7 day cruise around the Mediterranean. Plane tickets and Cruise booked and paid for.

Remember our "Dreams" pics. At the risk of boring you I have to post them again. It is too easy to let this shit overpower us. Today I read about a young man who killed himself and his two year old son. Everyone raved about what a great man he was. A school teacher and community worker. The papers said he and his wife were "separated". I can't help but wonder???????

So let's be positive.

Here they are:

Sorry if I stuffed up the page width.

HUGS to everyone. I love you all.

Laura

ETA If like me you are visually challenged hold down the control key and press the + button repeatedly to zoom in on the page. Hold down control and press the zero key to go back to normal.

[This message edited by Laura28 at 11:11 PM, February 20th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Laura)))

That trip sounds amazing. :)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, February 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,

You have been so there for a lot of us and now at the time of your need lean on us to help you. It's our turn to help. I am right there with you. One of the things that helps me right now is knowing that if I stuff the feelings and fight them the length of time I suffer is longer. Much longer. At church on Sunday at the end of the sermon I heard our priest (Episcopal) quote, "transform your pain or you will transmit it. " can you say epiphany? Every time I have a argument with my W I want to extract some pound of flesh and she is looking for some blemish in my Armour. That said, I think this is temporary and soon I'm sure things will be different. However, for now let us help you. Lean on us yell at us post graphs, charts and anything you want. Most of all we are here for ya.

Hugs my friend.

As for your survey?
31 months
No It's on my mind every day. Kind of my own unwanted and undeserving torture.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 295 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops

Sorry Tryn forgot your survey

Dday: 21 months and 3 weeks almost to the minute

Think about it all day every day. I love work because I can't focus on the thoughts for too long!!! Unfortunately they still flit in far too often. When I'm home it's a bitch!!!!

HUGS honey.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, my love, so glad you are taking your doctor's advice. Thank you for reposting the word picture. I had forgotten about it! But of course saw my name first thing. I'm all NPD like that.

WYE,
Maybe emulate some fictional or historical character at the funeral? Someone who would act EXACTLY the way you would like to act... then "be" her for the time that you are in OW's presence. Make sure Mr. WYE knows what you expect him to do, as well. Explicitly.

Remember how I said you cannot control anyone? Hi, I'm Nell Controllypants. Letting go of this one, now.

ats,
I am so glad that you are feeling better.

miracle,
How goes school? Please tell me that you enjoy it!

EJ,
Keep standing, girl!!!!

njgal,
Part of me thought that perhaps asking for a D would have lit a fire under Mr. STBXNell's ass. Part of me thought that my four-day emailing stupidity would have lit a fire under MR. STBXNell's ass (NO, that's not what precipitated it, not even subconsciously!!!). Nope. Unlike Mr. NJ, my WH just doesn't have the gumption to dig in... I guess that's it. Or maybe there's just no love on his side. Either way. It is always nice to hear that some WSs will suffer the consequences of their actions and go farther to make amends. Gives me hope for the future of the WS population as a whole.

RSEB,
We are all lovely people. Really. I think we've grown steel spines, and we're not afraid to use them, but you could learn alot here. If you're not comfortable posting on the threads, there's always the PM feature. I volunteer to answer any questions if I can help. There's got to be a reason that I've gone through this, you know? Passing on what I've learned to a LTA-WS who wants to hear it would be really cathartic to me, frankly.

Okay, Nell out! Hugs all around.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((tryn)))))

You have tried more than I could ever try. I don't post much but I do read everyday. I do believe there is better out there.

I have been thinking of S/D for a long time now. It's fear that holds me back. I think it's the only way to get this "monkey off my back".

Poll: 32 months
NO

(((Laura))))

So sorry about your dog...truly he was your best bud.
I'm so happy to hear about your trip though. So exciting.

I've had a major set back...H has taken $8,000 and decided he was going to have his antique muscle car worked on. Never discussed it. Just did it.

I was also cleaning out old boxes with tax stuff in it and came across a checking account that had 78,000 in it that his parents had left him when they died in 2000. At the time he told me that it was his money and he would do with it what he wanted. This was pre-A when I lived in the dumb dora stage or total trust. I trusted him to do the right thing for "US". It's totally gone.

He's a stupid fool because I have taken everything that is mine and put it in the kids names, my business, money, everything. If I die before him, he gets nothing. He will have to sell the home to live.

It's been extremely tense in the house, lots going on....I guess the selfishness just never ends.

Peace out....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better yet.. Can I please poll everyone?

1) months since dday?
2) Have you made it through one day without thinking about infidelity is some form?

1. 2 1/2yrs since DDay
2. Only stopped thinking about it every day once I started dating - about 3 months ago.

Even after I broke up with the "new guy" it only enters my mind when I consider getting back together with the X.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poll....

Trynhard (41) No
njgal480 (60) No
ImNellNow (25) No
Hopeandchange (10) No
Deeppurple (20) ?
Forgivenotforget (74) No
worst-year-ever (8) No
iwantamiracle (36+) No
jollum (32) No
old dipstick (246) ?
Ellejay (15) No
Laura28 (21) No
dadof4 (31) No
nofun (32) No
let it be me (19) No
cdnmommy (16.5) No (hell no)
M3 (27) No

atsenaotie (30) a few days
Allgood (30) Yes


One day, I woke up and went into the afternoon before I remembered. I was at a very important meeting setting. I suppose that happened with you ats?

allgood.. You are like my best friends who all D after infidelity. Facts seems, those memories are place somewhere and it all ends with a new romance, a new beginning. Of course we must consider the sample size... lol... The tradeoff? Am I wrong to think your kids, your asset and future failure vs your peace and future failures. of course, I call these daily thoughts.. not peace.

I know I am at the end of my grief... Accept. I have accepted I will have these thoughts.. I just do not want to have them.

Dip.. I know I hit a wall. As I look back only at myself. I just did not have the personality to be... intimate. And all those things that are associated with that. I am learning and changing. I will be far from perfect, but I do now have it within me to be a partner in life a woman will cheerish because of all the things I now know.

Laura.. your pic always gives me a smile. Why all those hot skinny girls anyway? What man or woman does not like to look at a pleasing looking person, but today, far more important to me is inner beauty.

Peace out today....

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:39 PM, February 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was at a very important meeting setting. I suppose that happened with you ats?

Yes, full days either intense or fun, and only a few in the last couple months. However, there is virtually no pain when I do think about her As now unless I dwell. The difference for me I believe is that FWW has done and continues to do the work.

Last night we went to Lowe's for some emergency home repair parts (already tense). We were discussing both DSs and finances (more tension). I made a curt remark, FWW defended herself, I reframed. FWW told me to go in and shop, she was staying in the truck. I thought she was mad at me, she was mad at herself. She stayed in the truck to read her DBT and re-focus. We had a pleasant rest of the night.

Today FWW has electrolysis to deal with a side-effect of the testosterone shots she is getting to help with her sexual arousal for me. Friday she goes back for another shot.

There are many more examples of her behavior changing. These are the things that convince me I can relax and feel safe. I can see current issues as M issues and not strictly her FOO or A related. I feel loved and cared for.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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