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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

Where did they get the idea that menopause is a major cause of D? Do they think this is what happens. She gets the hot flashes, the battle over the thermostat gets very ugly, and then bam, D court!! BTW, I bought my W a bunch of small battery powered fans. Those were lifesavers!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
Why don't you tell your in laws why you are divorcing?
Why keep your WH's secret?

I know I've told this story before but..... I had quite a few phone conversations with the MOW's BH.
After they separated he told me that he was banished from the family home on Xmas (he wanted to see his adult kids and bring gifts etc.). No one would let him in the house. Why? The MOW had told everyone the reason for the divorce was her husband's infidelity!!!!
WTF!
I told him that he better stop acting like a martyr and stop trying to protect his teenaged and 20 something year old kids and tell them the truth!
He finally did....

so, Nell..that's my advice to you. Why not just tell the truth and end the speculation once and for all?

Miracle- You will get your joy back! Its a process and a journey... you're getting there.

Ellejay- You are gorgeous! And your new puppy is adorable! What was your WH thinking?

But...we went through this last year when we exchanged pics of the OW/OM and got in trouble here on LTA.

What were they all thinking? the answer is ...they weren't!
It had nothing to do with us (the BS) and everything to do with inadequacies in them (the WS).
And often...they had affairs with equally as flawed people- often ugly on the outside but definitely ugly on the inside.

Tryin- What a gorgeous family! Enjoy the holidays.

Honest- Miracle said it all... why is the NPD coming back here again? to torture you? yuck.....
Hopefully, you will be able to enjoy the holidays with your boys...and the NPD will not detract from that!

Sending out hugs to WYE, UKgirl, Laura, Deep, Dip........


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - You do make me laugh!!
I think confessing to being a "Lying, cheating, pig" is too old fashioned nowadays, much better to replace it with "she spent too much time with her head in the icebox".

NJgal - Thanks for that. I've almost got over the novelty of my new puppy but still can't help myself with the pics. Hope it doesn't cause a prob with SI as I've seen other pics on here. I don't care about remaining anonymous anymore, as stbxh has done a great job of publicly humiliating us all around here anyway! Wouldn't post piccs of stbxh or the OW though, not publicly anyway. However, if anyone wants to send me their email address.......


Off to buy more Xmas prezzies. Have a good day everyone.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up...
FIL and MIL both know about Mr. STBXNell's A. They just don't follow the logic to end in D. In their home, the passive wife puts up with whatever the narcissist husband dishes out with a big, fake smile and a heaping dose of guilt to control everyone else. These are not mentally healthy people. Hence Mr. STBXNell.

Also, I don't care if they know why. Mr. STBXNell can tell them or he can not tell them. They're his peeps, not mine. They can think whatever they want, as long as they don't infect my Boyos with their insanity. (And they live pretty far away and don't visit often, so the level of possible contagion is pretty low.)

Also, I. Am. Not. In. Menopause. At all. Even a little bit close-ish. I am a healthy, normal 39-year-old. Not exactly prime child-bearing age, but not flashing any hots, either. That's why it's so ridiculous-slash-funny. It's just what FIL has latched on to as "the reason" I've gone crazy with this divorce business and he is not going to give it up. Everyone he has talked to (except his wife) has said, in no uncertain terms, that he is wrong. Eventually, assuming I live long enough, I will enter menopause and if he's still around he will tell people, "SEE! I KNEW IT!" and feel quite vindicated. Let him have that. Really, he has so little. Of their four children, they have one son who is doing quite well. The rest are in various forms of misery (mostly self-imposed). I sort of ruined the curve with this whole divorce business; they were half-and-half with their progeny there for a good long stretch.

Meanwhile, Ellejay, you're hot. Heterosexually speaking.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Nell, that's a lovely thing to say.

Let the silly FIL have his theory, let him waste his energy on this. Meanwhile, it will give you the space to just get on and start living the life that a beautiful young woman like yourself should be living. You are about to enjoy a new freedom as you come to the end of your 30's, the world is your oyster as they say.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i love all of you....i find that when i come here the range of emotions i feel when i read is all over the map, kind of like my life is....one minute i could be laughing, crying or looking to throw something or someone across the room if i could....so thanks.....it really is a blessing


dip: your timing is perfect as is my "gpa"....actually got my transcript today of my progress and its a "4.0"....i am so proud of myself, and i worked for it....


tryn: i missed your picture earlier....and yes you do have a beautiful family...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya for Miracle ..fantastic result...you rock!!!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats Miracle, you deserve it!! Well done.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind comments about this years Christmas Card pic.. I thought I should share it with all you fine folks too.

Let me share something good about my M. For example, just the four of us went out for dinner last night at a local pub. We dinned all together discussing how well college went this semester for both. We laughed at quirky stories both had to tell about professors and some of the trials and tribulations. My kids said they got us both One gift and said we would love it. During that time, not one thought of infidelity entered my mind. It's great that we can have this love of quality time together as a family. This is just one thing I love about us R’ing. BTW.. something good does happen everyday.

I am not afraid to post pictures of me or my family. Heck, about everyone knows anyway. I always figure if someone I know does stumble across this site and can ID me, then maybe they too are faced with this trauma. I hope they have the courage to approach me, I will be there for them.

Ellejay You missed last year when the LTA board got out of control. We posted pictures of our OW and OM. I must say I enjoyed it although the mods didn't care for that so much. We almost all got banned. SI is afraid to get a lawsuit and they really don't want others angry at them. It's not a good idea.. lol. but it was fun.

This is funny...Yesterday, my best friend shocked me. He had coffee with his xWW. She was asking him to please consider a R. They have now been D for 4 years a very bitter fight for assets. He told me he would rather have his finger nails pulled out. I said, then why the hell did you have coffee with her? "Curiosity"

We talked about triggers. I wondered if he would have the triggers if he did R with her? He says he has none right now or maybe once every couple months or so a quick reminder with no real emotions. He says his tiggers started to end after the D papers signed.

He's known, but I told him I have them everyday, memories, just pop in my mind but not much emotion any more. We both concluded it is because I am with my W in R.

It has taken me a long time to get to my frame of mind I have today. Next year, am thinking about my stewardship to the folks here at SI and making a change. I am thinking about making a commitment to Stephen Ministry. I am so opinionated, I am not sure I would be good at it. Volunteers are required to make a two-year commitment.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:43 AM, December 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

Good job young lady. I am proud of you. My timing was perfect? I guess there is a first time for everything.

tryn.

You may want to remind your friend that "curiosity killed the cat."

Ellejay.

There were days that I was ready to put my W in a freezer. She had the A.C. running all the time and I was getting cold.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle,
Woot! Woot! So proud of you!

Ellejay,
Thanks. I'm looking forward to beginning my beginning. Not so much the financials, though. (The pulling together of all financial documents, etc. YUCK! And then the living off my piddly little salary with CS thrown in. YUCK, part II. It's all going to be fine, though. I'm good at cutting back.)

tryn,
I second (third? fourth?) the boo-yahs on your family. Thank you for sharing! I would like to point out that *I* did not share photos of the COW. (Because I had deleted them all shortly after DDay#1.) But I got in trouble for posting photos on the board that included Mr. STBXNell, because he might not want everyone to know he was a cheater and is a big fat liar. So be careful!

ETA: I think you would make a great Stephen Minister. I've thought of doing it, myself. Maybe someday when I have more than a grand total of eight minutes of free time per week.

My M... if Mr. STBXNell were a different man or a changed man or even a changing man, I think it quite probable that I would not be getting a D right now. He just isn't capable of change, and I am no longer willing to give myself to someone who values this relationship so little. So we're done. On the bright side, I've done so much detaching that when I think about the A or the COW or even Mr. STBXNell, it's rarely with anger. Usually disbelief, contempt or even humor. It's a blip on my emotional radar. And that's a big relief!

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 12:01 PM, December 21st (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn
He's known, but I told him I have them everyday, memories, just pop in my mind but not much emotion any more. We both concluded it is because I am with my W in R.

Interesting. I had told my IC that if I D now, I would be fine having dealt with what I needed to do. But trying to R, I will need a lot more C. There are so many things that would not matter if D but do matter if M to WW.

There is a thread on General titled Hypothetical that asks if a BS would choose R if they could be gauranteed that a post D SO would never cheat on them, which would they choose. The responses were fantastic addressing the reasons for R and the struggles of R.

Happy Holidays to all!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YAY Miracle!!!!

Had to kick mom out yesterday, send her back to her apt. I just can't do it anymore. She's completely toxic and unwilling to accept help. She's lying, she's still engaging in the same behaviors, she doesn't care. She is so self destructive, and I know I can't change her. It's hard....really hard to walk away.

Could use some good thoughts....my sis in law had a very early preemie yesterday, he's being transferred to a larger NICU as I type this.

10 more days in this no good, terrible, rotten, very bad year.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WYE))))
I agree... Good riddance, 2011! Can't wait for it to join 2008, 2009 and 2010. Bleah.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE))) - You have done the right thing regarding your Mum hard though it is. You are going to crash big time if you don't get some respite from all of this. I hope everything goes OK with the little baby. He obviously didn't want to miss out on Christmas this year bless him. He will be in the best hands.

Tryn - What is the Stephen Ministry? Sorry for my ignorance . You have certainly come a long way from your D-Day, so good to hear. I think you would be very good in the role of supporting others (as long as it doesn't keep triggering you).

Dip - I think I may even have hit Menopause this year although I've been too busy dealing with the other crap to notice until now . Sorry that's probably information you don't need.


Have a good day everyone!

EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE Is she receiving any type of home health or social services? Sometimes people do so much better with people who are NOT related. It's almost abusive what some seniors can do mentally to their children. I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. I'm also sorry that she's pushing your buttons.

YOU need your oxygen mask before helping anyone else...just know that "lurker support" is out there too

Come on move it 2012!!!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellejay.

Since I just started a menopause list, that is just the information I needed. I now have Nell down for a HELL NO and you for a maybe-yes.

wye.

Thinking of you. I know that must have been hard to do. I also know why you had to take that action. People like your mother can be impossible to deal with. I hope the preemie is doing o.k. It is amazing what they can do for those poor little guys these days.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EJ - yore getting a divorce too?

WYE - Youve done the right thing even though its so hard. Now is the time to take care of yourself.

Weather here is overcast & a sultry 27 degrees - forecast thunderstorms for xmas day.

Miracle - where are you? Come out & receive your acolades.

DP - cant wait for this year to be over either


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - Yay!

Ellejay & Tryn: nice pics! Thanks for sharing.

In my world (the short version):

I met a boy who happens to be 7 years younger than me and hot!
Things are going very well - went out a few times - lots of chemistry. Definitely not soul mate material but fun to be with.

X learned of this a few days ago and went ballistic. He was pretty angry & derogatory the first day, but since then, he's really reached bottom. Completely desperate to hold onto me. Willing to do anything, ANYTHING. Constant attention. Writing me letters, getting me flowers, not eating, not sleeping, texting me all night long.

Sad thing is - I just want to keep seeing this guy, even as I feel really, really bad for my X. X just cannot wrap his head around the fact that I would choose someone I barely know over him. Doesn't think he can get over that if that's what I choose. My thinking is that he's got a long way to go - it's great that he's motivated, finally opening up to me and talking and admitting how wrong he has been. But will this momentum last?
I feel sorta like a scumbag for saying that reconciling is too hard - I just found someone to have a little fun with and I want to pursue that.

Thoughts and comments?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELL NO is right!

Allgood,
Thought: Your X is toddler trapped in an asshat's body.
Comment: Keep doing what you're doing.

ETA: Erased the word "opinion" and substituted "comment" but kept everything that came after it.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 4:02 PM, December 21st (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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