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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdmommy,

He withheld sex for 20 months during the A. You read that right: 20 months. I tried everything, but eventually came to the conclusion that I was just disgusting to him. That kind of thing is hard to recover from,…

FWW and I were essentially in an asexual relationship the last 2+ years of her As. I feel the same as you describe, and during the time simply felt rejected and unloved. I still get angry that during this period, when she was between OM, I confronted her. I asked her to come to my IC with me for MC. I tried so very hard to show her how much I loved her and that I could change. She continued to reject me, and “proved” to me that I was unlovable no matter what I did or tried.

^^^This. Presumably you were like this when he married you, and so he must have looked at it differently at one point, right? I agree that it is something going on with him and how he is thinking about it. There are things about fWH that I used to find charming and now find mildly annoying, but those tend to be the little things. Qualities as basic to your personality as strength and intelligence are not in that category.

Same with FWW. I am an introvert (INTJ) and always have been. When dating and married I reminded FWW of her father; quiet, smart, successful, kind, interesting. Somewhere this became withdrawn, doesn't like me or my kids, it got to the point that she and her older DD diagnosed me as a psychopath and compared me to Dennis Rader the BTK killer (is it any wonder that her older DD still hates me?).

I am realizing that when FWW and I do things together, have sex more than 2x a month, and she helps plan and do rather than just passively doing "whatever", I enjoy my time with her. This is about 25% of the time, the other 3 weeks out of a month she seems busy just doing her thing, has little to no interest in sex or planning an activity with me. At these times I really am happier and OK being on my own. The problem has been when i get all caught up in that one week and expect it to last.

I would like to D and start out discovering my new life, but I have responsibilities with our 2 DSs with one in college and one going in a year or two. I need to launch my boys before I will feel comfortable D-ing and moving on. I guess FWW has until then, another 2-4 years to convince me otherwise. In this meanwhile I will start putting energy into volunteer work and establishing friendships, which is what I was doing just before dday to fill the void left by her not wanting to spend any time with me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LIBM)))

ATS - I can relate to the way you felt those last 2 years (though in my case it was the last year only). We still had sex, but there was no real connection or investment in it for him.

It was just blah.

He withdrew more and more from me, shut me out of everything important in his life, all that. I thought (hoped, I guess) that he was just severely depressed, though I became increasingly suspicious something else was going on. Of course, any time I brought it up, he gaslighted me.

I was the crazy paranoid one. Yep.

Of course I am angry when I think about who he was then...it's impossible not to. He was terrible to me. Knowing that the real reason was that he was emotionally invested with someone else makes it even harder.

I guess that my point with writing all this is that to some degree, I know I have to make my peace with what he did then if there is any hope of staying with him in the future. If I think about it too much, it eats at my soul...and I look abjectly horrifying after I've been crying for hours.

I know I'm not as far out as you are, and I know that I could just be delusional...but I think that at some point you have to make a choice about how to deal with what she did before.

She can't change it, you can't change it.

You can either make your peace with it or not. And I don't think anyone can decide that but you.

What she is or is not doing now, or may or may not ever do in the future to make this right may not matter. If it's a dealbreaker, maybe it just took this long for you to accept it.

There are days I wonder the same thing about us. I'm still in the place where I feel like (again, partially for the sake of my kids), as long as he is actually trying, I have to let him....but I don't know how long I can do it either.

This LTA aftermath...it's a special kind of fun, ain't it?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slowly trying to catch up with y'all.

Ats - just wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts. They really are so well written and thoughtful, clearly a result of all the self-reflection, etc. over the years. I am so happy to see you in such a good state, regardless of the continued disappointments in your marriage.

Tryn - I hope you are doing ok as it appears that you are giving R one last ditch effort.

Personally, I'm all over the map, so I have nothing really to post. Generally speaking my thoughts of reconciling with the X are like "eh". But, overall, I'm well.

Hugs to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIBM: The job search is going okay. The manager of the team his team is doing work for was really disappointed, and said he is going to see what he can do about getting fWH transferred into HIS organization. They have budget for him, but since he is "owned" by the Canadian arm of the company, they get to make the decision, and everyone in his situation was released. He may do that, or they might even pick him up as a subcontractor instead. A few months ago they had to cut 30% of their team, and they kept fWH even though there were others with more experience with the applications, because of the work he did and the fact that he was able to take on leadership responsibilities and give the manager some relief. So, they definitely need and want him. In the meantime, he is looking for opportunities elsewhere in the company and outside. He has bounced back from being so down about it, and so the stress is almost nil for me now. I am definitely following advice you guys have given and not taking on his burdens. What I am doing is encouraging him not to worry about it and try to look at it as an opportunity to make some changes.

You sound much more centered today. :) And your doctor sounds amazing!

Laura: I am a natural redhead although my colour has become more brown as I have aged (no grey yet, though - woo hoo!) One of the changes I made last year was to cut my hair shorter and start colouring it and bringing back the red. I keep getting redder and redder, and eventually plan to be one of those really eccentric middle aged ladies with a completely bizarre hair colour.

ats: Yes, in the middle of the A I tried to get fWH to go to counseling with me. He successfully gaslighted me and blameshifted. He even said to me once "You are so concerned with the quantity of sex, and don't care about the quality." Um, yeah genius. I am concerned with the fact that we haven't had sex in (at that time) six months, and before that only if I initiated and only when I got up the courage because it is hard to initiate with someone who clearly finds you repulsive! He is being very patient with me now, but it is so hard to get past that feeling.

On a related, and possibly TMI note, he started something after we entered R that I laughed about at the time. He puts a loonie (that's a Canadian dollar coin) in a piggy bank every time we're intimate. At the time he started this I was barely committing to R, so I don't remember the rationale behind it, but it had something to do with keeping track and making sure that you don't let your "love bank" dwindle. I just kind of ignore it. But, he announced to me the other day that since entering R, we have over $275 in that piggy bank. He was absolutely thrilled, and said to me, "Do you know that means, on average, we're having sex every 2 days?" Now, with the miscarriages and problems I have been having physically, I thought he might be disappointed with the frequency, but he was delighted, and frankly so was I to see him that way because I have been so worried that my difficulty initiating would be a problem for him. However, it seems that for the time being, he is happy to have a willing partner (one who is slowly learning to feel sexy again). Just a bit of a positive. :)

wye: lol about the looking horrifying after crying for hours. ME TOO. Eyes practically swollen shut, red faced. It's awful. Also, I have wrinkles where I didn't use to because of rubbing my eyes, and a big old line across the middle of my forehead. But I digress. Garnier makes a cooling eye roller with caffeine in it. It does a lot to help with the redness and puffiness. It is the secret weapon that allows me to show up at work the morning after one of these crying jags.

AFM, I posted last night about my second session with my new IC. I am trying something called Self Regulation Therapy which, when I googled it, seems to be a "flavour" of this type of therapy that seems to be Canadian. However, when I googled "somatic response to trauma" I got a whole bunch of results for very similar sounding therapies from all over the U.S. I am more at peace today than I have been since I can't remember when. Unfortunately I couldn't get another session with her for 3 more weeks, but if the results continue then it is worth waiting and the cost.

(((hugs all)))


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Nov 2010
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ya'll,
So I am new to this thread, but not new to SI. I haven't ever responded to this thread because it is hard for me to find the time to keep up with everyone.
But I decided to check it out today and there it was... an issue that I don't know how to begin to deal with. My H and I have not been intimate in over FOUR YEARS.
He refused the entire time of the affair. And he was acting like a jerk and I felt rejected, so I wasn't exactly going to jump his bones.
At first I was sad. I would shave my legs and 'take care of myself' just wondering if that night was going to be the night. Of course, there was always an excuse that over time turned into a complete rejection.
Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I would never have sex with him again. And, as long as I was married to him I would never have sex period. That point of my life was over. It got to the point that it became a joke to me. I would say things like "Oh, is this the weekend we will finally have sex? You wanna come do it now?" This was all very sarcastic.
So NOW, he wants to have sex. A part of me is glad that he is attracted to me and I don't want that to go away. But I just can't, I just can't! It's too painful.
The images and the way that I became so totally messed up mentally about my body. I don't know how to deal with that.
To top it off, his affair started when I got pregnant (or shortly before). So as soon as I got pregnant he refused to touch me. Not even to feel the baby. After I gave birth he refused to be with me. I felt disgusting because I had his baby. But the woman he had an affair with? Oh, she had a baby just before they started back up. AHHHH! I will never be able to overcome this!!


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needtofindwhoiam

Your husband is a very weak man based on your side of the story but an A speaks volumes. I am sure he has stopped his affair because no way anyone willingly has sex with someone knowing an affair is going on… I hope not for your own mental health.

So now, after years and years your H abusing the crap out of you he all the sudden wants an affectionate sexual wife? Doe he just wants sex? Or does he really want a M?

I don't know how to deal with that.

Honestly, I think it must start with your H. Does he really want the M? Is he willing to change and be a man who is desirable? Where and how is he going to learn how to change, and be the man you need?

And what about you? Can you change? Can you be a woman who can forgive? Can you live only for today? Can you forgive yourself for the things you have done wrong in the M? Can you gain something of value from what has happened in your life?

And both, Can you both recommit to each other? Both change and do the things necessary to start enjoying each other?

What I will tell a woman is this. Most every man will love with their penis. We are visual and looking at the body of someone we care places us in, euphoria. A woman having sex with her man will affirm him in ways you cannot imagine. When you want to have sex with your man, willingly, not obligatory, understanding that you want to please your man this way, without all these rules of when, how, where, and mix it up a bit with him. Initiate it, talk with him about it, move with him, together enjoying and not looking at it as “chore”, and just enough frequency for what God gave him as himself, he will feel loved. He will not ever seek to love another woman. All the other forms of love come after this.

Oh but wait! This is far from over… This is no one way street. This is about two becoming one.

A real man must be a man. He must always woo his wife. He must everyday build his wife up with words of positive and confidence. He must never ever criticize who his woman is, and must be flexible and realize that it is ok to be different. He must love God He must responsible with money and be a good provider. He must be able to touch you in the right way. A real man will not be satisfied when just a “wham bam thank ya mam” sex. He will take his time and do it right, every time. A man is someone who does not need just sex, but needs it from a woman who wants to give him sex. A real man won’t love a porn star on a computer monitor, He save that for you. and when seeing a lovely lady in public, he's satisfied with the one he picked and committed. A real man will defend his wife and be on her side. He will show his wife that he is a good father. And I could go on and on…

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:40 AM, March 2nd (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... Yes, I have picked myself up, dusted off, and decided to live up to my commitment to God and my W.

I failed to act forgiving. I failed at living my life for today. But this this mistake, I will get better. What I am getting good at is being a better man and husband. No, no longer will I accept not getting what I need in life to be happy. I am not a selfish person, I am a man who must be loved the way it is meant to be. That is all I ask.

My W has stepped it up being the kind of woman I need too since our blow up a few weeks ago. There were things I needed, and there were things she needed. All I can control is to do the things I can do. If I fail giving my W the things she needs, shame on me. I will protect every boundary I have with consequences.

and thank you for asking. I hope your H can figure this out too for all your family's sake. You are one great woman. You send me PM if you want me to guide your H to the right spot and be the kind of man you need. He will never know it was you and sometimes a man needs a nudge from poeple who care about them.

cdnmommy.. $275 in that piggy bank!!! I hope he is giving you want you need because you seem to have stepped up to the plate! Do you enjoy being with your H? Or is this a chore?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:10 AM, March 2nd (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

need,
But I just can't, I just can't! It's too painful. The images and the way that I became so totally messed up mentally about my body. I don't know how to deal with that.

Are you in IC? This way you feel about yourself is totally understandable, given what you've been through... but wouldn't you be so much happier if you worked through it and came out knowing that you're awesome, no matter what some messed-up joker wants to make himself believe?

Sorry, that's all I got. Pretty banal advice, I admit.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ya'll.

Tryn - he is trying in about every way possible. He is even being patient with me about the physical stuff. He is doing things all day to tell me and show me that he loves me. I really like what you said.

So now, after years and years your H abusing the crap out of you he all the sudden wants an affectionate sexual wife? Doe he just wants sex? Or does he really want a M?

He does want a marriage, a better one than before. But i am struggling so much. I guess i dont know if i am ready.

Nell - i've been through a couple of counselors. Neither seemed the right fit for me. I am planning to keep looking. I'll admit i haven't been trying as hard as i should to make that work. My copay just went up to $50 and my work had started docking me for taking so many appointments. Even though i, myself, am a counselor.
Go figure.

Husband has been doing MAJOR therapy. Twice a week with a counselor. Once a week with a psych and MC with me. I am happy that he is actually getting his life back.


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needtofindwhoiam

Can you see the strength in many of us here on the LTA board? It is ok to make the choice to love your H after his betrayal. Everyday is not going to be a happy perfect day. Maybe you have a bad week and emotions come pouring out. Your memories are with you forever but it that does not mean you cannot still love and respect each other and meet each others needs. As I sit back today, my W and I have had some of the greatest most romantic times these past three years. Happy times. Why? How? becasue we both decided to love and care for each other. We have had many many many ups and downs..


I guess i don’t know if i am ready.
It is not so hard to say yes.

Do you want to feel loved, cherished, honored again? Then say YES. I am going to do this.

If you say, I don’t know.. This is unfair to another human, namely your H. Maybe even your kids, they can see how you two interact! If you say NO, then D and find a man who knows what it means to be a man.

If you say yes, then read below this…

What you need to realize that that making love with your H will only make the both of you closer. The love of touch will get you what you need. It starts with a very simple baby steps… Hold your H hand, tell him..

“Husband, we both have done things in our marriage no so good. I have made the decision to forgive you. I hope you will forgive me. There are some things you must commit to me everyday, every hour from now until the day we both die. Please never criticize me because I am different. I need you to tell me in different ways, things you appreciate about me. I want you to touch me everyday and that does not mean sex. I want you to help me around the house and do things men do to fix things. I want us to both be responsible with our money. When we dissagree, let just try to listen to each other. DO you know how to read my body language? Pay attention. I need to just sit, just you and me and talk for about 10-15 minutes everyday. And finally, if you want to start making love to me, then be romantic every time to me and take your time to make me feel it. Now go make plans to be romantic to me.”

But remember this too, Nell says it’s ok to be ravished every once in awhile. We guys like that too. And this too.. Start focusing on all the good things your H does and tell him. Try hard never say anything negative.. be positive... be forgiving.. never again accept being treated unfairly. You have courage deep in your soul to know there are men who know what you need, and we come in all shapes and sizes. You will be able to pick one of us just like you would pick a prom dress.

Needtofind… So you have some training to do. There are ways to communicate with your H that are very powerful so he will understand the consequences. Your H know this all too well now after your stop loving him for 4 years. Next time he does criticizes you, do this… Take your finger, run it down his shirt stopping just short of his "manlyhood…" And say.. “every woman locks the box when stuff like that is said.” Then go do something that makes you feel good… LOL… Now you may have to be creative with different words, different ways… but before you know it… He fully gets it. When a man says he want to have sex with you, what his is saying is… I want to love you. He is not taking advantage of you, he is not just need a "release".. He is saying, I need to Love you. I need you to affirm me with this act so I can feel loved. If you beleive it is anything more than that, then you misunderstand what God gave us men. Just like I don't understand why a woman needs what you need, you don't understand what I need. So why even try to undersand it. A good marriage we just do these things for each other because that is what love is... a choice!

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:28 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdnmommy.. $275 in that piggy bank!!! I hope he is giving you want you need because you seem to have stepped up to the plate! Do you enjoy being with your H? Or is this a chore?

Definitely enjoy being with him. Always have. He was not my first, but he is the only man I ever achieved orgasm with. He always knew I enjoyed being with him, but he says he felt like I didn't "desire" him, because I didn't initiate often. It is true that I did not initiate a lot, but there were lots of factors, including my belief that he did not want me to be very aggressive, that made me not initiate. But, rather than talking to me about it, he found someone who did "desire" him and made him feel good because she trash-talked her BH and his ability in bed. Pretty pathetic, huh?

So, it is NOT a chore. However, I need to work on my own insecurities so that I can be more assertive with him. I'm afraid that as long as I don't do that, he will feel like I don't desire him. I hope he has learned how to talk to me about things like that rather than acting out, but I truly don't want him to feel that way.

needtofindwhoiam: does your insurance have an option for online or phone counseling? That might be an option for you. I can totally relate to what you describe. I won't go into details but I have some pretty messed-up views of my own body and appearance, and I don't have an answer for you. I just know that if my new IC is as effective as I think it is, then this will be something I ask her about.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Nov 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdn... My wife not initiating has been a big issue for me. When I tried to tell her that I needed that from her , she said No, she is not going to be that woman. Go find it from so other woman. I said ok, I will draw up papers and S. It was pretty tense for about a week around try’n land. I meant it too. She got all huffy about my excluding her from a family event with my brothers family and I just told her, I thought you went shopping. That is our future. Now, I did throw all the A crap at her again and I did say I was sorry. I wanted to forgive her but my I cannot seem to control my words. She said she was sorry for telling me she had no romantic feelings for me. It was like a tic for tack thing. But then Damn , she initiated. I just don’t want her to resent me for any ultimatum given, but it sure did feel good…. Anyway, I found a new book written by Calle Zorro and I love it. Can you fine women tell?

Anyway, you would be a wonderful wife to have and never forget it… BTW.. it really is the man’s job to initiate… Me, I lost my way a bit conceing that... Peace out!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:26 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn
Can you see the strength in many of us here on the LTA board? It is ok to make the choice to love your H after his betrayal. Everyday is not going to be a happy perfect day. Maybe you have a bad week and emotions come pouring out. Your memories are with you forever but it that does not mean you cannot still love and respect each other and meet each others needs. As I sit back today, my W and I have had some of the greatest most romantic times these past three years. Happy times. Why? How? becasue we both decided to love and care for each other. We have had many many many ups and downs..

I do hope I can find this strength. I really appreciate knowing that people can get through this.

CDN

He always knew I enjoyed being with him, but he says he felt like I didn't "desire" him, because I didn't initiate often.

I can totally relate to this. My H said the same thing often. His idea of foreplay was taking his clothes off and getting in bed next to me after I already fell asleep. And this was after we would be downstairs flirting and saying that we go upstairs and (well you know)... But it would take him 30 minutes to get up there.
So, I really resent that he says that and uses it as one of the "reasons" he was attracted to OW. She was physically aggressive (and not just with him - there were lots of other men for her).
And, I do prefer the man to be the initiator anyway. At least more than 50% of the time. That is what makes a woman feel desired. There are only so many times that I can initiate and get turned down before I lose my self-respect.


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

need: Funny you should mention the 30 minutes behind you thing. That was our situation too. fWH was more of a night owl than me, and I would head up to bed and he would watch TV (this was pre-A, so yes, that's what he was doing) for another hour or so. Of course, during the A he was "working" all hours. He saw no value in going to bed at the same time as me. Part of my problem was that if I stayed up too late, I was so completely exhausted and also knew I had to get up in a few hours, that it made it hard for me to get in the mood. Now that we are in R, he is much different. We have a child, so nighttime is our alone time, and he realizes that coming to bed at the same time as me is a better recipe for me being intimate, and even me *gasp* being willing to initiate! Amazing how not being stressed about having to get up in 5 hours (or being up with a child all night, or whatever) has improved my libido.

One thing I've really noticed is that even when he does have to work into the night (his colleagues are in other parts of the world, so he often time-shifts his work, at least for the next 3 weeks while he still has his job) he comes up periodically to see me. He will come upstairs and give me a quick kiss, or cuddle for 15 minutes. He NEVER did that while in the A. Or, sometimes he will bring his laptop upstairs and work sitting in bed while I sleep. It is a much better recipe for our relationship than what he did before.

Is your H still staying up later than you? I think what really spoke to my fWH was Willard Harley's His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, where they talk about the number of dedicated hours per week a couple needs to be focused on each other without kids. I would say we fall short of the time they recommend, but we do a lot better than before.

ats: Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I am and was a good wife. A great wife, actually. In some ways, definitely too good in the sense that I took on more than my share of responsibility for his shit. But I am working on that and I think we will both be better for it.

Changing gears...

Had a great weekend. fWH has come out of his work-related mood nosedive and although he is worried about money, he is not wallowing. I am not worried about money. We can definitely tighten our belts if we go down to one income for awhile, but I don't think that will be the case. He is waiting to hear if there is a reprieve on his layoff by way of moving him into a different business unit, and if not, he has already had a couple of nibbles with regard to other work. I am letting him deal with that. I am just pointing out the options we have financially, since that is OUR realm.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Nov 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got myself a new hair colour. I am one hot red head now!!!!!
Nothing like changing your hair to give you a boost! I change mine ever few months. Currently, I am very blonde with some strawberry blonde low-lights.

Hi and hello to needtofindwhoiam.
I can see you have been given some great advice. I hope you find your path to healing and reconciliation.

Hugs to the rest of the Tribe. Caught up but nothing to say. I’m not in a good place to offer advice. I’m very low and just waiting for things to bottom out. I’ve completely wasted the morning on the computer and I have a long to-do list. We have a German student coming on Thursday and I’m half ready. fWH said I didn’t seem to have any feelings and I wasn’t showing him affection or love (that just made me think about his whine about me withdrawing emotionally when he was fucking MOW)and that I had been withdrawing since Dad died (can that be my justification for an affair, I wonder…..?). This is just me being me at the moment. I’m just so fed up with it all. And wondering what I'm doing still here on SI.

Is the bar open?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you UKGirl...I'm right there with you!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And wondering what I'm doing still here on SI.
I hope you are here because you enjoy chatting with us. Maybe a sympathetic ear perhaps?

Oh I hear ya UK… I have been this whiny needy little boy since dday. But NO MORE! Obviously your H is just not giving you what you need to ignite your desire for intimacy.

You don’t seem to have much fear… If he ever tells you something like that again, you want this? (point your finger and hand to your fine hot body), you better learn what a woman really needs. Now give me your credit card so I can go shopping!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:39 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

It has not been that long since you lost your father. Add in the fact that you are still getting past the A and of course you are FED UP. None of this is a just get over it and move on. Tell your H you will get back to feeling normal as quick as YOU can.

Why are you still on SI? Because you just love all of us. We are all pretty lovable. Like big stuffed teddy bears.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKgirl)))
Just hugs.

Otherwise, I'm way too over my head IRL to catch up! So I'll be lazy and just do hugs all around.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ODS:
Like big stuffed teddy bears.

Is this another crack about my weight?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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