broken: i have mixed feelings about your journals....while i agree telling your kids now serves no purpose and will only hurt them...i feel the same about your journals someday...it will rock their world...if its possible to lock them up and make sure in the event of something happening to you they go to an appropriate person....
putting yourself in their shoes....finding out all of this information after your death, and perhaps whilst their dad might still be alive.....what kind of legacy would that leave them...and then all their memories of even you will be shaded, kwim
nice fish tryn...did you eat em?
Anyway, I told a married couple (friends of both of ours, godparents to my oldest son), my first IC, a priest friend and much later, my sister. That's it. My sister loves my children like her own and she swears she will never tell. I believe her. My biggest worry is that the wicked bitch OW will someday show up and wreak havoc. I used to wish it on fWH and now after everything we've been through and everything I've learned I really hope it never happens.
My fWH was sexually abused as a child, and the story is long and complicated...he was a good father and person but a horrible husband. His thinking was just so F'd up, he didnt have a fighting chance. I don't wish more baggage on him than he already has. He really has more than he can carry now. His thinking has been straightened out and he is so remorseful. I have a great new IC who is very skilled with abuse victims and she has helped me so much.
I want nothing more than to heal and for him to become the best husband and father he can be. Telling the kids would only be more to carry at this point.
I have not gotten to where I am easily. It has been the toughest fight of my life. I know it's not over but I'm pretty much kicking its ass right now. A few more rounds and I should be good So much depended on the "why". I can move on now that I know.
I hope any little piece of this might help.
Re Telling the kids:
I told my kids a week or so before I confronted FWH. I began to suspect - no - I was hit by the realisation that he was cheating on the 28th May 2010. Prior to that I had no suspicions.
I then used my tech toys to get info. To begin I found out about OW3 (didn't know at this point she WAS No 3) and my investigations revealed how much they LUUUUURVED one another and included discussion on her part about them setting up house together and some rather unpleasant statements and language about me on his part.
I was convinced he was planning to leave me so before I confronted I got my legal, financial etc ducks in a row. Told my brothers and sister and their spouses and then told the kids. All BEFORE I confronted him - I am some great actress!!!!! At this point I had not discovered SI, was relieved when I did and realised I had instinctively made all the right moves.
I told my kids because I was convinced he was going to leave and wanted them to hear it from me in person (they live 200 miles away).
When I confronted him I told him what I had done (including cutting him out of my will and telling the kids) and ordered him out of the house. Much to my surprise he begged me to let him stay. I kept insisting I wanted him to go. He kept arguing that he wanted to stay. (This was over a period of about 3 hours - from 11.30 pm until around 2.30 am). Finally in desperation (I was exhausted) I said "If you mean that phone her and tell her you don't love her, never did, love me and am staying with me". Unfortunately, it took him 5 hrs to make the NC phone call. He finally called and said these things almost word for word at about 7.30 am.
So I didn't need to tell the kids after all.
BUT - I would do it again. I would tell them.
Their relationship with their father is superficially the same as before. Whether they FEEL the same or not I really don't know. However my daughter has been a great support to me.
She has told him that if he doesn't want to stay with me then he should leave now. That if he wants to leave at any time, if he is not happy in the M, he should just go. But that if he cheats on me again she will cut him off and never speak to him again. That if he pretends to leave me for whatever reason but later finds out he has been philandering again she will never speak to him again. (As you can see she is her mother's daughter )
If I hadn't told them I think now that I would be worried that they would find out or hear rumours.
Just some food for thought for those of you who have not told your children.
HUGS to all
I have no idea if I did the right thing or not. I didnít tell them, although the older two were aware something was very wrong. They are boys and donít tend to probe, they just showed concern and hugged me a lot.
I have been dwelling on the effect of our choices impacts on the lives and futures of our children. Itís quite frightening really. If I had told them, if I had kicked WH out, if I had told everyone, my situation and those of the children would be very different. And fWH too, of course. They didnít really consider her kids either, although she waited until her youngest two had finished uni Ė by a couple of weeks. Which was when they were supposed to ride off into the sunset.
So, DS1 wouldnít have left home (he left three wks after d-day, thinking he was part of the problemÖ. he wasnít of course, WH had been the problem the whole fucking timeÖ.). DS2 would have found it hard going back to uni and probably wouldnít have done so well in his results. DS3 would have been totally off the rails. DS4 would probably have not done so well in his initial testing and setting at senior school (clever boy was tops for everything ) which he started after the holidays.
Moving on, fWH and I would probably have got Díd if I had thrown him out. That was never tested, so this is just my surmising. Divorce would have meant selling the house and moving. WH would probably have taken up with MOW if only to get his washing done. He is hopeless on his own. Heíd be cut off the phone and electric in no time. He canít do washing or ironing or diy. So MOW would be his best option.
The present day? I doubt DS1&2 would be in NZ. DS3 wouldnít have gone either. So he wouldnít have met his gf or moved to London with her. Which means he wouldnít now be working for the famous film production company he is with now. DS4? Dunno. Heíd probably be okay. But DS1&2 would have stayed nearer home. Iím sure of that. I like to think I would have found someone else by now. Iím a nice person, good cook and housekeeper, can manage a budget, keep myself physically fit and Iím not overweight.
But there again, fWH made the choices for me. No one can think after being blindsided by the infidelity truck, lying in pieces on the floor, feeling like your life is bleeding out drop by drop. There were those who said tell the boys and others who said if we were Ríing, what would be the point? I will tell them. There will come a time when something is raised and I shall just say it. I donít like the skeleton in the cupboard and I think they have a right to know.
My biggest regret is not finding SI sooner. I did a lot of things wrong but knew no one who had experienced this and who had a WH who wanted to stay. I didnít understand that at all. Or the TT. He had confessed and then LIED and LIED. Which I now know was his attempt to control and limit the damage. And control me.
I cannot believe WH was so selfish. I cannot believe he didnít think about the consequences of what he was doing. I cannot believe he didnít see that his whole life could collapse into an abyss and that he could have ended up divorced, estranged from his family, penniless, possibly with a criminal record with no chance of holding a directorship or senior management position again and he would have struggled to find a halfway decent job. I would have been pretty poorly off too. We had a house with no mortgage, nice cars, nice holidays, good friends, nice lifestyle, and he was prepared to throw it away for Ö.. for what? Jeez. What a twat.
Thatís my pondering on what might have been over. Off to the gym.
Every betrayal is devastating, but I wonder if my world would be quite so rocked if the length of the affair had been less. I don't want to diminish the pain of those whose spouse's affairs were shorter, but 15 years of my life is hard to comprehend. So I think LENGTH DOES MATTER. FWH and OW also "broke up" twice during the A. The longest break lasted 6 months, but they saw each other everyday at work. She wouldn't talk to him and this got to him eventually. I'm sure he missed the sex too. I've asked him to pinpoint this "break" so I could look back and see if his attitude toward me had changed. I don't remember him trying to reconnect during any time so he didn't break things off in order to set things right with me.
Brokenworld: I had spoken to DD24 prior to exposure. She had worked at the same office as WH and OW and OW had befriended her as she had all my children. I had asked DD if my suspicions could be real. At the time she had said "no way", but she knew something had to be up. The morning after dday I went to the office and confronted OW so my DS1 and DS2 found out. DS3 was told later in the day when all 4 got together to offer each other support. Do I regret telling them? No. I don't think I could have gone through this keeping it from them.
Keep in mind they are 30, 24, 23 and 21 - all adults. They have all worked for H and were all befriended by OW (which still burns me).
The truth is the truth and sometimes it hurts. But they are seeing now how their father and I are trying to repair the damage and I hope that this will be a testament to our love for each other and our family. As NJgal said, it has brought them all closer together. I also told three good friends, all family members with the exception of my 89 year old mother, my pedicurist (who kicked her WH out after discovering a 25 year A) and the cable guy. (He had come to work on phone and internet connections 3 days after dday and wanted to go through my home checking outlets. I was so embarrassed at the state of my house at the time that I started to cry !)
By the way, I have spoken to all of my children and explained that even though their father and I are doing our best to recover from this, don't think for a minute that it is easy, and that most people would never consider it. I didn't want them to think that it was something that happens in most marriages or that H was getting off easily.
H has told them he is very sorry and that we are working on things, but he needs to talk to them more. He is just too chicken.
Unfortunately, the older three have met OW....he took them places with her.
One of my daughters referred to OW as Daddy's girlfriend....even though she was 5 at the time, she'd figured it out.
I don't really need to tell them, they know on some level.
I have told fWH that at some point, when they are older, HE will have to tell them what he's done.
I am most worried about one of my girls....she has the same exact personality style of fWH, and it scares me that she might be capable of this kind of thing too.
I think that scares him more than anything.
For months, fWH tried to blame the pregnancy for what he did. I knew it was bullshit, and he sees that his reason are deeper now too, but I can't help thinking that the kids would see the connection, at least in time, of the pregnancy and the affair.
I don't think I ever want any of them to know when it started or how long it went on for. :(
Every betrayal is devastating, but I wonder if my world would be quite so rocked if the length of the affair had been less. I don't want to diminish the pain of those whose spouse's affairs were shorter, but 15 years of my life is hard to comprehend. So I think LENGTH DOES MATTER.
FWH and OW also "broke up" twice during the A
It's hard. An affair just mostly has the romance part of the equation. No commitment really other than "you tell my W and I will tell your H" threat for trust so your life does not go into mental turmoil.
H still insists that he felt safe that no one would ever get hurt and that he never let his thoughts lead to the possible consequences of discovery. What he now realizes is that I was being hurt continuously, due to his disconnection and distance that he put between us. I still can't believe that he was so stupid. I still think that he is inventing reasons and justifications when the real reason was that he just didn't CARE enough to think about it too much.
To iwantamiracle, my journals were the only thing that kept my half-way sane, since EVERYTHING was written down, I referred to my notes often to make sense of the TT, or the formulate questions for MC. When you experience such a betrayal your mind will only allow to remember just so much, so even now when I reread my notes more things start to make sense. Those journals are put up for safe keeping, and my best friend knows what to do with them, in the event of something happening to me. And that is to keep them until and when she feels that either giving them to my children or destruction is best. Part of me wants my H to suffer the fallout of our children learning the truth, and the other part wants to hold my silence hostage over him so that eventually he will start to remember all the details that for years now he somehow forgot. If it were left to my H he's destroy every page, guess I couldn't blame him.
0115 you are so right this is the toughest fight of our lives. I remember the numbness, shock and sheer disbelief that all that I had know was a sham. Not sure if I've ever gotten the answer to 'Why" I truly believe that is one question for which there is no answer.
Laura - I thought I was a good sleuth - but I think you got me beat!
UKgirl - you make a valid point regarding how the lives of the children can be effected either way. Hindsight is 20/20 and I would love to think that our children would protect the BS, but it's hard to compete with a 'Disney Dad' who is suddenly jumping through hoops to be the Father he never was.
Fighting Back you made me think of an additional question: If the A was something other than an LTA would the decision to tell the kids be different?
Worse year ever - I slumped when I read what you wrote: "I don't really need to tell them, they know on some level." that speaks volumes....
For some reason, we humans just love to live the past and relive misery. Why is that? I am making a commitment to myself about thisÖ
In H's case, when he told OW that they had to stop what they were doing because he felt that it was "wrong", she replied: "I'm not asking your to leave your wife, and I am not going to leave my H. No one will know or get hurt.
" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
Had she been someone they never knew, and the A had been shorter, I don't know if I would have reacted in that way. But I'm guessing I would have told them anyway. I needed their support and I feel they deserved the truth. Had they been younger...probably not, as it would have caused them too much damage.
NeedtoFind: I ask myself everyday how long this A would have continued had I not figured them out.
Just some random thoughts.
Along the lines of "the depth of your pain compared to mine"
1. I hate that he did it for between 16-23yrs. It saddens me to think that so many years were a lie. I feel he stole my life. He stole the time I should have been happy and he stole my ability to look back fondly at my M years.
2. On the other hand he was an arsehole for many years. Maybe that makes it a little easier for me. He stopped "pretending" to love me or even care much about me around 12 yrs ago. I don't have the hurt of remembering all the loving acts/words from those years and knowing he had a dirty secret.
3. As well I detached about a year before dday. I was determined that I wouldn't waste the rest of my life with a fucktard. I had spent years trying to "make our relationship work" to no avail.
4. Some people would say that an A or As for that length of time would be an automatic deal breaker. Before dday I know I would. Now, for me I think it would be prostitutes that would finish me off.
5. I discovered his first(???) EA (PA????) 25 yrs ago. It devastated me but I feel I "recovered" after about 2yrs although that may have been because of rugsweeping by him. I certainly recovered enough not to be suspicious again even though the red flags were probably slapping me in the face for years.
6. I know OW1 befriended my mother in the aged care facility where she worked. I know she befriended me and pumped me for information about him and the kids when I visited (I thought she was being "friendly" - bitch - ). If she had befriended other members of my family and spent time with them then my rage would be be extraordinary and maybe my hurt would be worse knowing FWH knew what she was doing.
In conclusion, I think it is hard to understand. But I do know that it would be easier if he had just screwed some slut he met in a bar a couple of times, come to his senses and confessed before I found out.
Fuck her parents for unleashing her on the world.
Fuck all of her IC and MC who missed the issue.
Fuck me for being so naÔve and blaming me for 19 years.
Fuck my parents for not instilling some backbone in me.
Fuck her DD, her sister, her BF, and all the others who knew were guests in my house and never said a thing, including the OM.
Fuck me for accepting better rather than great.
Fuck my kids who grew up thinking enabling was good and I was an asshole for expecting self-reliance.
Fuck her BIL who.. well fucked her. Fuck her uncle who abused her. Fuck her adolescent boyfriend who raped her. Fuck her bosses who had affairs with her. Fuck her xH who physically abused her.
Fuck me for being so needy she was attractive to me.
Fuck her that was then and this is now attitude.
Fuck the silent battle to recover from this crap of a hand I was dealt.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
BIG HUGS honey.
I am so sorry you are having a rough time at present.
BTW what are you doing up at this time?
Only those of us "down under" are usually around now.
Shedding tears for your pain.
I have sent you a pm.
I think that njgal is the exception rather than the rule for LTA.
I forgot, FUCK her selfish goal of taking care of her rather than us or our family.
Why am I still up? A long story, or same ol', same ol'.
It is sad that I look forward to work, and have more gun out with my employees, or that I tell her this and she gets defensive.
OTOH, Pinnicle makes a great vodka for <$20.
as for length of time....hell thats a hard one....i have no before since she was there before me and thats been such a sore point....i was telling a friend the other day how when i watched my wedding video, there are 2 parts during the ceremony where you promise fidelity...and pfm stumbled over both in his words....it is what it is....
i have reached a minor pinnacle in my emotional state.....i realized that i no longer "NEED" to know it all, don't get me wrong, i would still like to know it all, but i no longer "need" too....i think its part of actually letting go....and it is such a blessing to not have that need....i guess knowing its over in your head is so much different then knowing in your heart.....i feel such a release....a sort of freedom
it still hurts, i am still angry, but i have a new distance
i have also come to "knowing" that the marriage for ME was REAL, the marriage for ME was what it was, as much as so much of our life was a lie, it was not a lie for ME....ukgirl had told me that when i first got here...and i never felt it...i do now...i guess i am healing, praise be i am finally healing...not easy to do when still living with the asshole of assholes...
and as ats would say...
ats i would love to hear you say the latter part