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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

The green eyed monster is what your H has. Typical and predictable. It is the WS double standard. He was into sharing himself but does not want to share you. He cannot wrap his head around you being with another? At least you are not lying and sneaking around. Allgood is NOT the scumbag here. Mr Nogood toddler is. If you like this guy and want to keep seeing him then do so. Your H had many chances and he screwed it all up. I knew he would be this way when you started seeing someone. He is even worse than I thought he would be.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - go for it - do it for you. XH never gave you a second thought while he was screwing around - yup double standard.X had his chance & blew it.
Its time to put yourself & your needs first - do what feels right for you & DONT FEEL SORRY FOR FUCKTARD X.

Dip & I are jealous its not us your dating


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's just jealous. You go have your fun. :)

Mom does have home health workers, including a social worker who is scheduled to be there this afternoon. I just can't do it anymore. I can't put up with the lies and the passive aggressive crap. She needs to learn to ask for help from the people who can give it and stop demanding that we do whatever she wants.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE
Your mom is in good hands...it's their job and they are used to these scenario's. Time to work on you...music, candles, wine, quiet...or exercise, whatever works for you

Allgood...sounds fun!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood:

Go for it. Time to dip your toes in the water. Ex can just lump it. Apparently my stbxh's biggest fear is that I will find someone else sooner or later. Funnily enough I no longer care whether he will care or not when I do. I guess that's starting to sound healthier.


DP:

Yep, getting a divorce asap. Might start writing a book "Menopause - best fucking reason for Divorce ever".


TTFN

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye: you did the right thing.....not just for you but for her, even if she is too stubborn to do the right thing for herself....and she probably still won't...but its HER choice

choices: it always seems to come back to choices...everyone has to make them....everyone has to live with them...but why does it seem that some of us are always living with the choices made by others.....

and thanks everyone...it feels good to be doing so well and it feels good getting the proverbial pat on the back....damn...i said "pat"....even if simple conversation....that was #1's name....


allgood: oohhh a boy toy....good for you...im jealous, i would love to have a boy toy...go for it, keep having fun and let mr nogood toddler stew in his own juices and choices.... and you need to "live"...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Miracle!!!! I am soooo happy for you!!! Wooohooo!!

Ellejay and Tryn: Love your pics! Thanks for sharing!

{{{{{{{{{WYE}}}}}}}
You have made the right decision. I have had to make the same decision too so I can save my life. Some people are a bottomless pit of need and nothing we can do can fill it. Take care of yourself right now. The little baby is in my thoughts and prayers.

Lol, Dip and everyone who suggested Alaska for NPD. He hates the cold. He should go to Antarctica instead or a Siberian prison!!
I wish he wasn't coming. All the crazy fantasy hope is gone. All the rationalizing his behavior in any shape or form. I'm really looking at his actions in the real light of day.....
All these years...constant phone calls, etc etc. Even last time he was here, we were getting along well, him telling me how much he "lurves" me and then calling OW 3-4 times a day, every day totalling up to a half hour to an hour every day.
I'm finally starting to completely and emotionally internalize that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this or to have him give up OW. He really divorced me in his heart a long time ago.....let me rephrase that. He never really married me in his heart EVER.
There is a difference me saying all these things and to know it logically and intellectually, but to really emotionally start to accept it is a big step and I'm very sad and mourning and scared.

Hugs to everyone who are feeling down.

ETA: Allgood: He had his chance. If you have decided it's over completely, then go for it!!!!! The hell with feeling badly for him. All of this is the consequences of his actions, and inactions.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I was going to suggest North Korea

Big hug to you as you move thru this stage.Take care ok.

I know my heart is cold towards my WW now as her NPD behavour just reinforces to me now that the word empathy doesnt exist in her vocab. Strangely enough I'm at peace with myself, havent found my big grandpa y fronts yet but even friends have said to get out, meet people & have some not so serious fun - I should follow Allgoods lead & become a sugar daddy

((tribe))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP: LOL, actually any place but here would be good for him.
You are right, DP, I'm starting through another stage of through this horribe journey.... There is a thread on the "I Can Relate" forum about NPDs. I found it to be very helpful, just reading through some of the older threads. Lots of info there. I need to get my power back.

Oh, and to give everyone a smile/chuckle. The older DS's (36 and 32) took me out for a few drinks the other night. Oldest DS started to joke around that he was going to start a new reality show: "Marry My Mother" and he and his brother had to interview everyone first!

Maybe I should have done that in the first place, but they were too young. Oh well. Oldest DS keeps saying that it's not me, but I made bad choices in husbands (and that is me in the long run )

Say prayers for me tomorrow.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood...
I just want to keep seeing this guy
Sounds like you made up your mind. IMO, after knowing you for a long time now, I think you need all the good feelings this new relationship will bring.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:21 AM, December 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood,
Thoughts and comments?

I get a similar reaction from FWW. We talk D or I detatch she becomes attentive. After the "crisis" passes she goes back to focus on herself.

BTW, I was 28 and FWW 35 when we started dating.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
Prayers for bad weather, airplane problems, no-fly list and/or strike to keep Mr. Dishonest out of this country. Secondary prayers for you to remain detached and get through this latest visit to hell unscathed.

Cold and snowing here, folks. It's going to be a white Christmas! Yay! Unfortunately, it's also going to be just Mr. STBXNell, the Boyos and me. Not a whole lot of places to hide! In fact, I was going to work from home today (icy roads) but decided to brave the traffic when Mr. STBXNell told me he was working from home. (So I ran away. How very mature of me.)

Allgood,
Good luck! Have fun. Feel good. Guard your heart. Take it slow. (Or not to all of that. Because WTF do I know? )

I spent a very weird night on the couch alternately worrying about stuff I have not gotten done, watching old sitcoms, thinking about what I will do next year when Mr. STBXNell and I are living apart (custody over the holidays, putting that cart waaaaay before the horse) and dozing. So I'm a little off my game. And we have deliveries of goodies here in the office that really should be eaten.

Okay, peeps, I'm at work because I have to do some actual work. Running now. Thinking of all of you, and if I don't get back later to say it: Merry Christmas!!!

XOXOXOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - old & new (my second family)
Thank you for just being here. You are an amazing group of people who I hold close to my heart.
To each & every one of you have a wonderful Xmas.
No snow here - hot, humid & showers.
I hope Santa brings you all something special.
Take care
((((((((((TRIBE))))))))))

PS Dip if its snowing your way no grilling in the nude


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,

..., but I made bad choices in husbands (and that is me in the long run...

We made the best choices we knew how to make with the information that we had at the time. I suspect that you understand alot more about relationship dynamics and psychology than you did 20 years ago, I know I sure do.

((honesttoafault))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - All I can say is WooHoo! Keep up the fun. I'm jealous.

Hasn't been good at nofuns house.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

Loved the pictures...we are all a good looking bunch don't cha think?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just dropping in to wish everyone a wonderful,peaceful holiday.
Honest, please try to find an escape no matter how brief to enjoy this special time of year. I can't believe he's coming back so soon. I hope you will be able to enjoy your time with your sons - they sound like such wonderful young men. (I loved their reality show idea!)
Miracle - WAY TO GO!! Not that any of us were surprised btw !
Tryn & Ellejay - great photos. It's so nice to put faces to all the special people here. I've met up with a number of friends here and it's really one of the best experiences to meet face to face but pictures are the next best choice.
Allgood- Wow, I am SOOOOOO jealous ! And 7 years younger - now that's one of my fantasies. I am curious though. Why do you feel bad for your H? I think this is the only way he was going to really get what it was you have been going through. Thoughts - I would take advantage of this time if only to have some fun. You have been put through so much and it's long overdue. Don't let your H's reaction influence your need to experience a little pleasure. You didn't choose this course. He had lots of opportunities and blew them all. You can now finally find out if he has what it takes to be the partner you need and deserve.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

3rd day of holidays today and thought I'd take it easy and watch TV while I pottered around. Every program I watched today featured infidelity (Law and Order, Rookies, Cold Case, NCIS etc).

Wow just can't get away from it. I used to love a good cop show!!!

So.

Change the subject.

Just had a couple of fun pics pop up on friends pages on FB and thought they might give you a laugh.

First up for those who still fantasise about revenge - here's a friend who might help

and

to remind the gals how stupid their WHs are


Hope you all have a wonderful trigger free Christmas

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hallo Tribe.

I know how triggery the holiday season can be and how even more difficult it is to hold onto our sanity, esp when you are a Newbie,so big hugs to those who need it.

A strategy taught by my IC - especially useful in this period - is the Tube system.

It is not always possible to allow ourselves to react to/deal with a trigger if for eg we are out and about, at a party, etc. so instead picture yourself on a non stopping train, and each station you pass is a trigger. Slow down the train,acknowldge the trigger, tell yourself that you will deal with this later when its more appropriate, then move on.

By allowing ourselves to acknowledge the trigger instead of fight it, allows us to honour our feelings/emotions, but accept that it does not have to be dealt with there and then.

Later in the privacy/safety of your home, you can let it all out. Its even useful, if you have a supportive FWS, to forewarn them so that they are able to support you too.


Hope I explained this properly and it might help

I wish you warmth, truth, genorosity and perhaps a piece of diamond jewellery!

LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a terrible time lately. I think it's all just gotten to be too much.

I was thinking about what I was doing a year ago, getting ready to leave for the last trip to spend Christmas with my dad. He's gone now, my mom is a freaking train wreck, and my marriage is a disaster.

fWH has shown a side of himself that I'm not sure I can live with the last few days. He's gotten very angry and judgmental about my mother. I come from a different place though.

I have to believe that people can change. If I stop believing that, I can't stay married to him.

I happen to think that he's not exactly in the best position to be judging those who make selfish destructive decisions that fuck with other people's lives either. But he is sure doing a good job of it.

OH, and it pisses me right off that he is judging me for not being able to check out on her. He doesn't have issues with walking out on his family, but I do. I guess that is the difference between us, huh?

In addition to all that, he's gotten pissy when I bring anything affair related up. Like he's over it and I should be too, and WTF is my problem. I've gotten "whatever" and then he walks away.

I saw OW this week, too, for the first time since dday. I don't think she saw me, and I calmly walked away....I had the kids with me.

fWH and I got in a huge fight last night, and I said something to the effect that he hardly ever even acted like he was sorry anymore. Just smug. Like, yeah, I did it. Not, I'm sorry I did it. Very different.

I couldn't even lie next to him last night, and I slept on the couch.

Dammit this all sucks.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 11:19 AM, December 23rd (Friday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura... those are so funny! I might be that man who would think that second one?? but not write it maybe?

WYE.. Just my thoughts.. Love is a choice. I choose to love my MIL. She's ill and she needs you both today. It sounds like itís all falling on you. If you left your H, it would all fall on you anyway. But he has not left you and is suppose to be your partner. I don't blame you for being angry. Plus, your dday is still so fresh and he is not being too compassionate. It takes time to control your feelings enough to accept. Have you considered Retrouvaille? Has he read the 5 languages of love? Go buy that book and give it to him. They have one just for men.

Sometimes, life just does not go as planned.


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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