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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LetitbeMe:

I'm a day late, but I hope you found some peace and contentment on your birthday.
And thank you for that post.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 664 | Registered: Feb 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Self-Rescuer

It's been six months - shouldn't these wave be getting weaker?

Look a few posts up at my rant and I am 2.5 years post dday. It takes time I am told. In my sich I was just hitting my anger/rage stage at 6 months out.

As for the NC break, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and readjust your course. The NC break does not take us back to the beginning, just a rough patch of road shoulder from getting off course.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needtofind.

To answer your question, yes her confession was because of guilt, shame, remorse, etc. Since all WSs seem to read the same cheaters handbook I think she felt that it should be enough for me to know she was a bad girl and it was time to move on. I know they all seem to think that telling all will just cause more damage to the BS. I her case, since she confessed, I would think that she thought she had hurt me enough and did not want to hurt me more. If you look at this from her side, it must have been hard to work up the courage to confess something like this. The A was the big secret that she was to guilty to hide. The guilt drove her to confess. After the weight of that was lifted of her, the motivation to tell more of the story was not as great. I suspect this is the case for many WSs if they confessed or got caught.

It is strange how they all have the guts to risk everything yet can't just tell the truth about what they did. It really is child like behavior and child like thinking.

DP.

If it floats it must be a boat.

Ats.

You last post shows why you are a inspiration to us all. Your vent post also was a source of inspiration. Those anger attacks can really come out of nowhere sometimes.

I want to welcome all the newbies. I would name you all but since I am suffering from a case of CRS, (that means "can't remember shit" for anyone who is abreviation challenged) I am afraid I might welcome a oldie by accident.

Speaking of oldies, there are a few who have not checked in for quite some time. It would be so very nice if you all could check in, if only to say hi. Don't get mad at me for calling you oldies. I am a COF (crazy old fart) so I am NOT making fun of anyone's age or state of mind.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was the best day I have had in weeks and I thank all of you who so lovingly and openly share your LTA trials.

As I type this, I know that as tremendous as this suffering is and grueling as the healing will be, there is beauty and peace out there - for all of us.


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I consider myself "old", I'm checking in.

Hugs to all of you....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uggg... total self-pity rant coming on. My H went through and looked at all my posts tonight. He has been walking around all weepy and saying that 'he's fine' . I finally just told him I knew why he was upset.
He steals my life and my sexuality and I have to take care of HIM because he can't handle my feelings (which were CAUSED by him!).
Sorry.. I know this is very negative. I am just so tired of being the 'rescuer'. I shouldn't have to feel bad because I FEEL BAD and want to discuss that with people who understand. It's not like I can just go up to people IRL and talk about his infidelities. And even if I DID have that as an outlet, that would upset him too.
Sheesh! I had to get that out. If you made it through this post, I thank you because that would mean that SOMEONE out there actually listens to MY feelings.
bleh...


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy happy birthday let it be me...i hope your day turned out to be as lovely as you are hon....


welcome to the newbies....and many hugs for all...


(((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank you because that would mean that SOMEONE out there actually listens to MY feelings

Yep we are listening and you are doing what is healthy by sharing and talking about your feelings...unhealthy ways of handling this situation would be drugs, alcohol or oh...having an affair. Talking and sorting out your head is healthy...keep posting


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115 - Thank you!


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, March 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi needtofindwhoiam

Honey tell your H what I told mine.

If it wasn't for the support and good advice I get from my friends here I would have kicked his sorry cheating arse out!!!!!

That when I feel like giving up and walking out I come on here and read stories and advice from those who've made it and get the courage to keep trying.

That when I am totally pissed off by what he did I come here and vent instead of taking my rage out on him or his whores!!!!

Now instead of getting annoyed when I come on here he asks "How are your friends today?"

HUGS honey.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the oldies...(let's just say more educated, not old)

Did all of you go through a time where you felt you were going to be ok, things were good, explanations made sense, life was going to get better and THEN it all just rolled over you again in ocean waves and it was false? Or did you never get to the above point at all? Or (NJgal & hurtshirley) just make it all the way through?
Bad night last night...

[This message edited by 0115 at 4:54 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIBM
"the EFFECTS of the trauma/abuse on the victim are exacerbated by the DURATION of the abuse as well as the CLOSENESS of the perpetrator"...
As stated by my IC and our MC. The person who has done the abuse is the one we look to for helping us back onto our feet. Which is why some people choose to divorce. Itís just too much.

Today is my birthday and I'm going to WORK
I hope you had a good day at work and a GREAT birthday!
*****

Hi self-rescuer, welcome to the LTA house. Youíll find we are a warm and sympathetic bunch. Plenty of ranting and questioning goes on and very little in the way of 2x4ís. Itís a safe place compared to some of the brutality further up.
We have a saying here, LTA = Long Term Recovery. The LTA is a different beast, donít beat yourself up. It takes a LONG time, so bring some sandwiches and a flask.
*****

Hi dip Iím never away for long!
*****

NTFW

My H went through and looked at all my posts tonight. He has been walking around all weepy and saying that 'he's fine'
I hope heís not looking for sympathy or understanding. As you say, he created this situation, he is the reason why you are here. I told my fWH if he chose to read here, he couldnít expect to read anything good about himself. I was here for MY support and MY need. If he didnít like it, tough shit. Basically.
*****

0115, it really does depend upon you and your fWS. I did have times quite early on when I was hopeful (thought it would all be okay by Christmas Ė yes, I was very naive!) and then some trigger or another TT would come along and Iíd be on the floor again. That went on for 2yrs+. Every situation is different although the same. Some of it kind of made sense, but an awful lot doesnít. The biggest thing for me was that fWH embarked upon his affair when five other marriages were being destroyed by infidelity. Five couples. And he STILL went ahead with it. I will never be able to wrap my head around that. Itís like the fire klaxons blaring and risking his life to go back into the building for nothing worth having. We were all safe outside!!! I am still hopeful that I will find a place for peace and happiness with fWH, otherwise I wouldnít be here.
*****

"I do so love you all. And you are all beautiful and beloved & worth every bit of effort"
Ditto.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:12 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never felt like I was making it in R. I feel like I'm still on the fence. It is 2 + years.

Part of the problem is my H. He does not show remorse or empathy. There is lack of emotions.

I'm at a point where I think I'm going to leave the M. Or course this changes on a daily basis also.

Hugs to the tribe.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH brought home some major crud germs from his business trip & they got me last night!

So... {{{LTA}}}
my brain is too fuzzy for anything but hugs for all.

Whether you're Irish or not on this St. Patrick's Day- I wish you many blessings.

Irish Blessing
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you;
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings,
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the Irish Blessing and a peaceful St Patrick's Day to all of you.


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the Irish Blessing.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115-
Have I had rough patches along the way?

You better believe it.
I have not always been this cheery cheerleader....Far from it.
I definitely have had my ups and downs throughout this journey.

Remember...I kicked my FWH out of the house right after d-day.
And..I mean kicked... I became crazed and grabbed every bit of his clothing out of the closet, drawers etc. and threw the clothes down the stairs, then threw suitcases down the stairs....

and then...the roller coaster rode up again... I started to see all that my FWH was doing and decided to give R a chance... I withdrew the divorce complaint...and agreed to try MC...

and at 6 months post d-day I let him move back home.
I was somewhat optimistic but I was cautious...only agreeing to try.

The next 2 years were up and down.... there were a few times that I packed a bag and left to stay in a hotel because I was so frustrated with my FWH's refusal to continue to discuss the LTA.

There was the time I triggered and had a meltdown while on vacation in Lake Tahoe....and I threw the camera at the windshield in the car and broke the camera.

There was another incident where I threw a bottle of water (cap off) at my husband while he was driving(not my finest moment by the way).

I often triggered on vacations because the LTA often happened at work related conferences at hotels etc. So..hotels were a trigger for me.

I have never in my life used the kind of language that I have since d-day...there were many confrontations with my FWH where I let loose with a string of expletives that in the past I would have found shocking...

I have never in my life screamed and carried on the way that I did post d-day.

Dealing with a LTA is a heart wrenching experience.

Not easy for the BS or the WS either.

My recovery from the infidelity has not been easy or straight forward.

And for me the magic number was year 5 post d-day.
I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel at around 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day.

I'm not saying that it will take that long for everyone. But, it may-so hold on for the ride.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UK, Nofun and NJgal...

I got thrown a bit of a curve ball last night. Nothing he doing, just what he had done. It hurt like hell. Although I think it's still more of the acceptance going on inside me.

Thanks for the back up!!

0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm medicated and awake so am cruising SI and stopping in to see how my tribe is faring...

And for me the magic number was year 5 post d-day.
I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel at around 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day.

I'm not saying that it will take that long for everyone. But, it may-so hold on for the ride.

Thanks for the encouragement NJGal. We just passed the 5 year anti-versary... in R although it's still rocky and I'm not seeing that light yet despite thinking I'd forgiven him in the first year but I discovered that wasn't really the case as his post Dday behaviours/actions didn't live up to his words.

I stuff a lot down and then a thoughtless act on his part sets me on the 'questioning what I'm still doing here' path again.

It is strange how they all have the guts to risk everything yet can't just tell the truth about what they did. It really is child like behavior and child like thinking.

You hit the proverbial nail on the head Dip!

Belated Bday wishes LIBM! I'm often a speed reading skimmer and missed that message.

Belated welcome to the newbies. You have found a good place for someone in our situations.

Midnight approaches... have to try to sleep. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun-
Sorry to hear that you are struggling.
But,totally understand how frustrating it must be if your FWH is not showing remorse or any emotion at all.
Is this the way he's always been or do you think that he's suffering from depression?
Has he ever gone to IC?
Sending you some long distance hugs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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