Nell, it's surreal when you get divorced. Seems like there should be so much more fanfare. But, it is what it is. ((Nell)).
Meanwhile, my emotions are all over the place now. Keep your distance from the rollercoaster, folks. Nell's tummy is a bit hinky.
The next phase of your life journey is about to begin. I know it will bring you much happiness & fullfillment. Take care.
Public displays of affection have always been okay by him. We’ve always held hands. We only have sofas, not armchairs, so we sit close up to each other. He would randomly kiss me when out for a walk. Hug me in public. Stand with his hand casually in my jeans back pocket as “ownership”. Cook with me. Told me I looked great when I got dressed up. Told me I was lovely when I did something special or remembered his mum’s birthday.
How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair? That’s what I don’t get. Mostly, that didn’t change. Maybe he just took it all for granted. Maybe he saw that was what MOW was missing from her BH – open signs of affection and that made him conscious to be attentive to my needs in that way. So that makes it so much more difficult when I try to see if there were other affairs or if he has been cheating or seeing someone since d-day. His frequent change of job would explain irritable or irrational periods of behaviour. I only feel safe by being removed, which doesn’t bode well for the long term. We had such a close relationship. He was brilliant in his duplicity, no doubt about it. The trust will never come back.
I watched a youtube on Why The World Needs Introverts ( that’s me……) and then another one on how to spot a liar. I jotted down the important points. Which goes to show I am still watching him a step or two back.
How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair? OK, you want to know how a man thinks?? here goes...
First, what I described in my post is what it means to be attractive. When we first date someone, trying to woo them into having sex with us, we are nice, loving, caring, romantic, etc… because if we are not, we are rejected with no chance to have sex.
Fact is, you can be attractive and masculine to both your wife and AP. If he was not attractive in those ways, you would have never wanted to have sex with him. Affairs are about greed and selfishness, not values. Your H, yes was attractive and masculine in things you could see. But the things he hid from you, those thing you could not see, was not so masculine. Being masculine also includes… morality. Your H did not whine to you when you said no because his needs were being filled other places. Me, I whined, I complained, I took care of myself if you know what I mean. A whiney man is unattractive. Then throw on top a man who does not meet his wife's emotional needs with all the things I lost after my wife was... MINE... submit to me woman! Shit happens. People are weak. There is a different reason a man has an A vs a woman.
Also, Morality is something within ourselves. Sure, as we live our lives, act moral, people do take notice. That is a very attractive feature in a person. But let’s face it, morality can also be hidden.
Trust is a choice. Fact is, you are trusting him. You trust he provides a home for you right now. You trust he is not in another A or I’m sure you would be gone for your own morality. You trust him enough to have sex with him, because if you didn’t, he could bring on disease. I am sure I could think of a whole lot more if I wanted too. What you likely are talking about is feelings. You don’t have certain “safe” feelings.
Nell, congratulations! You are now prepared to start a relationship with a real man. Good luck in the search, I am sure it will be both fun with all the ups and downs as you journey. Peace.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:07 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]
Terribly busy. Have buzzed in, read and that's about it.
For those Christians among us I am currently on retreat. Ignation spirituality. Today we began looking at the passion of Christ. The betrayal, rejection and suffering. Tough going.
Tomorrow we do the resurrection. Thank God!
Big day for me today. Told OW1's boss. (For those who don't know OW1 was screwing FWH while she worked in the nursing home where my aunt and my mum lived. The bitch would pretend interest in me the children and FWH to pump me for info. I thought she was just another friendly, caring member of staff. I didn't want to upset things after my mum died and dday because my aunt was still living there.) Anyway told the boss how OW1 used to pump me for info when I visited my mum while fucking FWH. I was very close to this boss lady and always felt I should tell her - the ethics of the sich etc apart from my desire for revenge. Anyway I told her the whole sordid story.
Surprise surprise!!! Her response "The arrogant bitch. Never got off her bum to help anyone, always made sure we knew she was so much better than the rest of us. Never liked her. She quit about 12 months ago and I haven't seen her since. Good riddance" :augh:
It wasn't until I left her that I realised 12 months ago was around the time I went and saw her at work. We had just buried my aunt and I was fuming. As she is a "good Christian woman" who attends Church every Sunday I told her "You will rot in hell for what you have done to me and my family". I think she quit shortly after this!!!
Nell - wonderful news. New life, new beginnings. Where's our kick-arse girl? I know she will come out of hiding soon. HUGS honey.
We’ve always held hands. ...we sit close up to each other. He would randomly kiss me when out for a walk. Hug me in public. Stand with his hand casually in my jeans back pocket as “ownership”. Cook with me. Told me I looked great when I got dressed up. Told me I was lovely when I did something special or remembered his mum’s birthday.......
How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair?
HUGS honey. Scary stuff. At least FWH was an arsehole most of the time. However there were times he was affectionate and in some ways this hurts the most. BIG HUGS
Hi and HUGS to everyone else. Holidays coming up soon so hopefully will be more in touch then.
My house will be sold on my birthday next month. The Pharaoh understands. I told him this morning and he said "what a sucky birthday present."
Sunshine is a royal PITA. Guess he decided to hit the terrible 2's a year late -- but, hey! At least Paddy is planning on hitting them right on time. They are a TORNADO!
I've been bawling my eyes out a lot lately. I'm sad about selling my house. I lost my home. He really did take everything away from me, from the person who was supposed to love me. Very sad. We get along better now, but I still don't want to stay married. I think every day about filing for a divorce.
I'm putting on my happy face today, trying to pull myself out of the rabbit hole again.
Tomorrow we do the resurrection. Thank God!
((((m33)))) I’m sorry you’re in the pits. Please take good care of yourself. The first few months never seem to get easier, do they? You are under incredible pressure and stress so do take any offers of help and make sure that you take time out for yourself. Don’t make life changing decisions right now. Just take care of you and the rest of your brood. Hugs honey.
Your H did not whine to you when you said no because his needs were being filled other places.
Trust. I don’t trust him. I have contingency plans in place and I have access to enough money to assist those plans. And we own our house. No mortgage, no debts, money in the bank. I don’t think he is in an affair, but there were things happening earlier this week that had me on tenter hooks. MOW is working in a different place. fWH went there – he told me he was going to see a potential supplier and then going on to another one. I have no idea if he knows what MOW is doing now, but it’s not difficult to find out and she could easily tell her BH she was working late or had a meeting. I was very tempted to go down (80-odd miles) and just wait for her to emerge and see where she went. But, what’s the point? If he wants to see her, he’ll see her. So no. I don’t feel safe. And his response to my cold tone was saying he wasn’t up to anything, he’ll never do anything like that again, blah, blah. But he would tell me where he was before, just not mention he was seeing and/or fucking his gf. Half lies are easier to keep track of.
We had sex yesterday morning for the first time since mid-Jan. That is the longest time ever. 11wks. It wasn’t that great, frankly. He wont talk, he won’t broach the subject of my insecurity other than to give me platitudes. He never wondered aloud what he/we could do about m y lack of sexual interest. He never asks what I am writing about, he has never asked to read anything I have written, he doesn’t read my postings on SI (he doesn’t go on SI full stop ) He has never worked on himself, read any books, talked to anyone. As far as HE is concerned, he dealt with it. For a man who spends his working life talking, he is very good at avoiding personal and marital issues.
Just me right now. But thanks for trying to explain. I know he’s weak. I never realised that before d-day. Disappointing.
I don't think I'll be logging in for a few days. If we can get fuel (petrol strike looming), fWH and I are planning to go away for the weekend. Mojos for no strike and diesel at the pumps!
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:22 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]
all endings are beginnings in disguise hon.....ALL OF THEM.....biding my time til my beginning too....and yes its still sad....
got some stuff goin in miracle land....pray for my dd19....she might be in a bit of trouble....ok...gotta go now
Take care of you, honey. Are you off meds because of the pregnancy?
No, but they don't work nearly as well. I can't take any hormonal birth control because the meds and the b/c neutralize each other, so I'm sure the pregnancy hormones mess with the meds too. It sucks. I'll probably try to get my dose increased.
But thanks for asking, it's thoughtful.
I'm declaring today a day to care for myself a little more. I've got some fancy bath salts and a fancy lunch from Whole Foods. Might try to get out for a mani/pedi too before it's time to go get the little ones.
I have to remind myself that by this time next month the stress level will be exponentially lower. The house will be sold, work will slow down, there will be more extra $ in the budget, the boat will be in the water ...
miracle, I will say a prayer for your daughter.
Prayers for DD19, whatever her sitch is, have been given.
How goes the one-minute-at-a-time thing?
I'm looking forward to my new beginning. [Long-winded whine about every "positive" having an equal and opposite "negative" erased before posting. You're welcome. ]
I want to thank you all for your support. It means so, so much to me. I'm truly at peace with my decision, but it still feels good to get hugs from people who really understand.
XOXO - Nell
Thinking of you and your dd19. I hope everything is going to be O.K.
Relax whenever you can. It is good for you.
What does XOXO mean?
I'm trying, REALLY trying to keep myself on an even keel right now, and I think I'm holding up ok.
It's been a rough week.
Saturday, fWH even packed his bag and threatened to leave. His most recent reason for cheating is that he felt like he couldn't open up to me about his emotions because of the nature of our relationship (WTF?!?!), and so he started up with OW in a different way. He claims this is all his issue and has nothing to do with me.
The guy who wrote emails to OW2 is one I don't recognize. Sweet and considerate and in touch with emotions and genuinely interested. Things he's NEVER been for me. He did a really good job of deleting everything between him and OW1, so I will never know that, but I have an inkling it was more how he was with OW2.
Which makes me want to vomit.
He could be this amazing sweet and compassionate guy with them, but it's hard to open up with me? He wasn't comfortable with me, so he just found someone else? WTF.
How am I not supposed to take that personally?!?! He claims and claims that this is all on him, I just see it as an indirect way that he is blaming me for being flawed somehow and unreachable.
Huge fight, he threatens to leave, I scream at him that if this isn't about me, then he needs to find a way to just tell me he is sorry for what he's done rather than making me feel like this is my fault.
I hate this. So freaking much.
So yeah, I'm trying.
Tomorrow was their schmoopy anniversary. And I can already feel the knot in my stomach about it.
Saturday, fWH even packed his bag and threatened to leave.