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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He realized he was being an ass.

He puts this wall up with me, and gets defensive about everything, which just turns into fights.

He can't just own that he did this. I think he's trying, but he's just now realizing how ugly it is and so he tries to shove it away, pushing me away in the process.

He didn't leave.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could be this amazing sweet and compassionate guy with them, but it's hard to open up with me? He wasn't comfortable with me, so he just found someone else? WTF.

w-y-e,

FWW was the same way. The opinions of her OM did not matter to her, mine did. They were not a threat to her personality or psyche, I was. If one of them was critical of some behavior of hers, she saw that as THEY had a problem and should be thankful she would spend time with them. If I was critical or her, or she even thought I was, it was devastating to her and she felt unworthy.

He wasn't comfortable with me, so he just found someone else?

And the someone else he found was not a real person, it was his projection of what an ideal and understanding partner would be. The AP can be anyone convenient and willing, because the WS fills in the personality, behaviors, and appearances that THEY want. The AP is really a fictitious character super-imposed onto a convenient and willing body. So it was easy for your WS to open up to the OW, because she was essential played the role (notice that I am not saying that she actually was this) of his idealized partner. He could be open and vulnerable with them with no consequences because he was being open and vulnerable to a mirror.

Huge fight, he threatens to leave, ...

If FWW wanted to be a conflict avoider, I was willing to help her pack. I did not threaten, when my time came I left.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:53 PM, March 30th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a big deal for me. Last week a note came I had to work with one of FWW's OM. I had a bad day or so after that, things began to escalate. We pulled back together with FWW taking the lead to reach out. We talked a lot. I re-focused.

This afternoon when the time came and I met to do the work I was indifferent. I did not avoid, I shook the out-reached hand at the end, none of it met anything other than I was doing my job. It is over, there is not feeling of relief because there was no tension.

I have been wrong too many times to say we are OK now, but things are looking and feeling much better than they did a year ago.

iwam, I am not especially religious, but prays and thoughts for your DD sent.

nell, congratulations and best wishes as you move into this next exciting stage of your life. I have enjoyed your comentary on this all, I suspect you are fun to kill a bottle of sangeovesse with.

m334455, good luck with your pregnancy and clearing out all the old parts from your life.

ods, I owe you a PM


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow ats....good for you.

I know that I'm nowhere near the point where I could do that.

That is awesome.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle, many positive and good thoughts for your DD and hoping the trouble scuttles away.

WYE, I think ats answered it for me. Itís the business of being someone else for a while. Leaving real life aside and knowing that OW isnít linked to what is at home or about family or responsibilities or any of those things that make him who he is IN REAL LIFE. Anyone he shacked up with would get the same after a while. Bills have to be paid, kids have to be sorted out, repairs done to the house, off milk in the fridge thrown away, trash taken out, the car to be serviced. Itís all BORING, but we do it. He could leave all that behind while with her. I said to fWH that while they could tut and sympathise, they werenít expected to get INVOLVED in each others life. Not really.

Ats. I take my hat off to you. Wow. Such natural dignity. I think I love you.

Ok. I really am off now. We have a tankful of diesel! Have a peaceful weekend folks.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one checking every hour or so with an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that there were no posts this weekend?

My weekend was disappointing... plans that fell through, family pressure about plans for Easter wkend, triggers/reminders of the A that re-occur to the point that I'd like a lobotomy for that memory area, sleepness night followed by nightmares early this morning...

Depressingly gray outside... 2 commitments today that I am dreading...

what am I doing here? why didn't I end this 5 yrs ago? more doubts than positive thoughts...

sorry Tribe! black dogs at my heels for several days... ADs not helping... need an intervention of some kind but not likely since our situation is unknown to most RL friends & acquaintances.

Vent over... except in my heart and head.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsuol)))

I'm right there with you, trust me.

I've been having a really hard time lately too, feel so isolated and lost sometimes.

I wish I had some encouraging words of advice, something profound and helpful to say, but I don't. Just know you aren't alone.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks WYE!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost-
so sorry that you are struggling.
I know that for years after d-day I did not handle every day stressors, problems etc. the way I did before.
I was much more fragile.
Could that be what's going on with you? Or has something changed in your situation?

WYE- It is so upsetting and frustrating when the WS refuses to talk about the LTA.
Are you and your FWH in MC?
If so... that might be a compromise solution....
you could limit your LTA discussion to the MC sessions?
or...if you are not in MC could you decide on a time and day to discuss 'it'?
I know most WS feel like they are under a constant attack whenever a question is asked and meanwhile the BS feels like there are questions in their heads all the time.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LS..
I am sure you feel they way you feel because... your H is not filling all your needs like a man must do. You want to give him a chance or not?

IMO, What you must do is start a conflict. Be prepared to accept a fight in advance. Set the consequences in your mind progressing to ulimatums.

Pick your biggest issue and when he does it, lay the wood on him. Do not cry and leave the room. If he leaves, that's his running way. Keep the conflict going until he starts to change as the penalties get stronger and stronger.

Learn to conflict coming from a loving position.

"Honey I want our marriage, you are the man I want to be with, but you piss on that toilet seat again, I will clean it with your toothbrush... and you can let me know how it taste. You got that? Now let's enjoy the movie I rented"
Next time, really do it. After that, say you are going to place a lock on that room...
Then do it and don't allow him in that room.
next time, I will separate.
next time, I will divorce you.

Now, do something as it relates to why you put makeup on. What is that #1 need he is not giving you?

Does he tell you how good you are everyday? What a great woman you are in different ways? Maybe you can start with that. You don't have to give him anything in return. He should be doing that if he is a good man.

Empower yourself! You look good for a reason, a man wants you.

What are you afraid of anyway? Scared some man other than your husband might love you like you need? Heck, you don't even need a man in your life for happiness to return.

Not much is going to stand in my way of me being happy these days. And I am doing it from the most loving way I know.

WYE.. you are not ready for this yet. This is for advanced LTA'rs... way out from dday.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:40 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, I don't know what I need right now. I feel like I'm hitting bottom again.

In some twisted way, it's even harder now that he's actually started to put in some effort.

I'm stuck on how this all started. I was pregnant, and the guy I was married to told me he wanted me to quit my part time job to take care of me and the baby, he was worried since I have high risk pregnancies. Then, literally less than a month later, he wakes up one morning and decides he no longer cares about us, that he feels stuck and needs to escape his terrible reality. WTF?

How does that happen? How do you wake up one morning and decide to check out on your wife and kids? How do you make a choice to risk everything just to get laid?

It makes me sick.

Been crying way too much lately, and I'm just tired of it all.

This stupid affair may have been about him, and his inability to deal with the shit life throws at you like a responsible adult, but it wasn't just about him.

He dragged me right down there with him.

I hate this.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does that happen? How do you wake up one morning and decide to check out on your wife and kids? How do you make a choice to risk everything just to get laid?

Wye, If a very beautiful woman were in a room with any man, this man was 100% sure he could not be caught, and then she told him, I think you are a great man, I want to enjoy your whole body, I won't ever tell anyone, just this one time, then proceeded to take off her cloths. This would be a challenge for any man to say NO. Do you understand this about men?

Your H got caught up in a situation where they both started flirting, and it advanced, it took off to the next level. It was not planned. Only a few very sick people plan to break a commitment to God. The apple is easy to eat. Once caught in the web, the sin, satin took over his soul with selfish desire.

Your marriage situation at that time, your work situations at the time made it easy for the A to be hidden.

Now, you need to pick yourself out of this hole. Just open your eyes and be aware your H is loving you right now... see him right now. Be a woman where you refuse to bring any thoughts about yesterday back into your mind.

Try to do things postive..

Now go do it!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wasn't very beautiful, she was just willing.

And that is all it took.

We were onlies before this, tryn. I don't buy the irresistable impulse urge thing you are trying to get me to believe. Men can keep their pants on.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE -- we live in a culture that glorifies adultery, engages in moral relativism and has everything set up so that people can be enormously selfish with few true consequences. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone bothers to be faithful.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men can keep their pants on.

Thank you w-y-e.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input NJgal & Tryn.
WYE... your post rings so true with me. How, after 30 yrs of marriage - 3 terrific kids (middle son admittedly was a challenge) - more than half our lives together... does a man decide to see how far he can get a female co-worker to go through online games site?

more later... lunch needs fixing.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not supposed to discriminate here. Women can keep their pants on too...


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wye
The cheating stat are hard to find but I am sure its in the 50 percent range. I am trying to tell you about men. I will say men need sex often. The good ones masterbate if his woman is not stepping up to the plate. Unless a man is filling every womans need, she just doesn't want to have sex with him. This is the way god made us.

You are going to have now decide to fix yourself. I know you are a rock. You got chipped. So get that glue out and get to glueing all this back together. You can do this. Let your H love you again. Start forgiving. Live for today. Do fun stuff again.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe - gearing up for the Easter break & spending plenty of time with kids. Sun is shining, the swell is pumping (too big & dangerous for the kids)so maybe lots of time time by the pool.
Thinking of all - have a great Easter.

((tribe))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33- excellent post
so true


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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