No OP talk.
Strictly reconciling progress between couples. Share your stories as you heal.
"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."
From December 18th, 2011
I triggered this morning.
First time in a long, long while. (9 years since dday)
I've been going through some pretty cruddy personal medical issues and that has me down and on top of it something happened this morning and I triggered hard.
My H called me from work and he could tell something was wrong so I told him and then I told him I was hanging up and he needed to get back to work.
I hung up and he called me back.
I told him I didn't want to talk and he needed to work. He has a wonderful job and I don't want there to be any issue with his work performance just because I was having a hissy fit.
He said, "I am calling you back in one minute and you need to answer."
He left his job and walked outside and called me from his cellphone and said "Now, we are talking this out right now and do you need me to come home?"
I told him no and that I knew logically that everything was okay.
He said this wasn't about logic it was about emotions and he wanted me to be okay.
I again expressed concern about his job and he told me
"This job is fine but it isn't more important to me than you. You come first. I can get another job, I can't get another wife. I am staying on this phone with you until I know you are okay."
And he did.
He told me over and over again that he was sorry. That he hated that he put me in this situation.
That he would do whatever it took to help me through this.
That nothing else mattered to him but my wellbeing and happiness.
That whatever I needed was mine.
And on and on for 10 minutes.
He just talked and talked and talked while I came down from my emotional whack.
He didn't once express frustration with me.
He didn't for a single second say that he was needed at work.
He didn't get angry, defensive, huffy.
He didn't say "I thought we were over this by now".
He did everything right.
And that is what remorse is.
And that is what reconciliation is.
And that is why I stay and why I love him.
A lot of them aren't around any more but I give tons of credit to the SI WS's who held my hand and helped me understand.
ETA: it's not really a 'story' as I couldn't really think of just one.
[This message edited by Lucky at 11:02 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]
When my H was a boy, he injured his knee climbing over a fence. It was a long, deep cut that bled a great deal and required a lot of stitches to close. Over time it healed, but there is a long, gnarled scar to mark the place of that wound.
We were talking about our progress in reconciling, and I again expressed my sorrow for having hurt him. He took my hand, and placed it on the scar on his knee and said, "This didn't hurt forever. We'll be okay."
Even after 8 years it still humbles me that he could have that kind of compassion for my pain in spite of his. Yes, the scar will always be there, but the infection is gone- the wound is healed and we ARE ok.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
D-Day - September 3, 2010, 5:30 am
Currently in reconciliation and happy.
Married 22 years, together 23
Today he texted me saying he had a serious question and a friend of his wanted him to join World of Warcraft which I've heard to be a rather addicting game. I learned today from tsol25 that some guilds have time commitments. Anyways Wbf and I talked about this and I said I know he has changed and I felt that he would know if the game was not something he could handle and I thought he should go for it if he wanted to. We both agreed he has changed and we both think he can handle it but if either of us thinks it's not working he'll stop.
My point is, more than a year out from Dday, wbf asks me my opinion on things (not asking permission, just my opinion) and gaming may not be a big deal to most people but it was a huge part of the A and actually it's never triggered me because I felt it was *him* not the gaming that created the environment for his first A.
I am so happy that he is open and honest with me; he expresses regularly that he's happy I've stayed with him and how happy he is with me; he plans little dates for us since my love language is quality time and I try to plan little massages for him when I do get to see him at either of our homes.
I feel so happy and I trust my gut (#1 thing I learned in IC) that everything is as he says. I know people have said to look out for the "terible 2's" where you feel anger and other stuff in the 2nd year but wbf and I talked about how sometimes reading stories can set up a self-fulfilling prophecy so we agreed we wouldn't go by anyone else's timelines, only take it one day at a time as we have been and just be honest and appreciative of each other
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
The morning of our anniversary, I suggested we go for a walk along the lake. I spotted a bench, and suggested we sit & rest. I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket that I had written a speech. I first asked him to remove his wedding ring. A look of horror crossed his face, I think he thought the worst. He refused to remove it, but I did it for him. Then I asked him to throw it in the lake. Reluctantly, he did so. I told him that along with the ring, he threw away all the terrible memories associated with his infidelities. I then pulled out a brand new shiny ring, and told him it was a symbol of our new beginning, a restart of our marriage which had been interrupted for 4 years. We both had tears in our eyes, and hugged each other for a very long time. That was a real turning point for us.
We have our good days and our bad days, but our bad days aren't nearly as bad, and they are fewer and farther between.
I feel like with our situation, as with many others out here, we are defying the odds.
I'm proud of that.
I have a genuinely remorseful FWW who has worked hard to make many positive changes in herself. And, man... I am so in love with her, mentally, physically and emotionally.
I am at a point now where I honestly have more hope for our future as a married couple than I did pre D-Days.
Things are going good.
I'm ecstatic about the open communication that my wife and I have now. We can talk about anything openly and in depth.
I would say our status at this point is: successfully reconciling.
I'm proud of our happy little team of Losfer, Amerasia and DS7.
Thanks, SI. You've helped us a lot.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:41 AM, January 6th (Friday)]
When we got married, we were both completely messed up individuals who made a completely messed up M. We had no healthy coping or relationship skills at all. When I got sober 3 years ago, as I got healthier, I longed for the kind of M I had never experienced but thought was possible. My H was not ready for anything like that. It was so hard to see him clearly during those years, when I could see the man he had the potential to be while actually he was something much less.
The past 4 months have been like something from a dream. He is becoming open with his feelings and his thoughts. He tells me every single day that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He is making good financial decisions. He is becoming the leader in our home that I have wanted him to be. I enjoy being around him and I miss him when he goes to work. We are both making changes to work schedules to allow us more time to spend together.
Our M is nothing like it was prior to the A. It is a new creation, built on new ground that has been properly prepared for a foundation.
I need to read these positive stories. They give me hope for the future on my roller coaster ride. I am just 4 months from DDay.
We love each other, are in MC and he is in IC. He is committed to making this marriage work and doing all the right things. Which other than the A, he was doing before. That's what hurts so much.
I want to believe that my M will be stronger and more deeply connected than before.
There is a thread where you have to just say one word on the way you are feeling. My word is renewal. Renewal of hope, happiness, and love.
I look forward to more "success" stories!
This is a really short ugly chapter in a really long great book.
This story is a big sad and pathetic and funny, but also hopeful.
Around the time of our one year antiversary, I was really struggling. The ANGER phase was in full force and I was just not doing well. My fWH and I were having a "conversation" via text (which was against our rules) where I was listing in fine order his failures and shortcomings during the affair, and before, and likely after, and how I was not sure WTF I was doing.
At the time, I'd been taking walks during my lunch hour wit a cowworker. In the midst of this fight, I realized that I was a) getting out of control and b) exercise would likely do me good. So I sent him a text which said, "I am going to walk," and then left with my coworker.
Fast forward one hour. I get back to the office and there are 3 phone messages from my spouse, 2 voice mails on my work phone, and about 6 on my cell along with text messages.
I called him wondering WTF was going on. When he picked up, he burst out crying. He was home. He had left work, driven home an hour, called his boss and said he wasn't sure he was coming back. Why? Because when I said, "I am going to walk" he thought I meant OUT OF THE MARRIAGE.
I drove home to see him there, honestly, half laughing at what a dumb ass he was. But when I saw his face, and how utterly distraught and distroyed and terrified he was, from that moment on, I really KNEW he was all in. And that maybe, if he was that in, maybe I could be too.
DH likes himself now, that has been a fundamental shift. Otherwise, whilst we started rebuilding from the foundations, the rebuild was to the previous model, only adapting to allow for a few more windows, and some sacred, adult only private space, only tinkering around the edges therefore because it is fundamentally a very strong, warm and loving house, full of laughter.
And I posted the below on my antiversary in December, which I hope is read as positive, which was its intention:
Three years ago on this day of December, my husband had been so down and unusually depressed that despite having much crap in my life (also having held the reins of the household alone during his many absences that autumn), I offered to do the huge work of his tax return to help him with his stress.
He was so abashed by my evident love, care and concern he blurted out about the five month affair he had ended two weeks previously.
I am - ahem - professionally quite calm in a crisis. I told him I abhorred his need to pass the burden of his guilt and the responsibility of his actions and resulting mess to me and just before Happy Family Christmas. Asked her name, was horrified that I knew her professionally, that I had even published her work, and remembered she was young, single, and very attractive.
I didn’t ask for any details, refused all further conversation, and spent all night researching the male menopause on the internet. Went to work the next day and wrote a cracking grant application. Was shocked and amazed by the burning pain in my heart. Head clear, body stupified. Sent him an email asking for details of all other women. Got one name, dates were dubious, I corrected that fact by email.
Spent the rest of the week out in the evenings. Asked for all passwords at the end of the week. His parents arrived for Christmas. In between pretending to eat, I spent late nights on his email and discovered a teenage Lothario’s correspondences conducted in bored moments at work. Decided to respond to it as a wake-up call to get myself higher up my list.
Started taking late night walks in total darkness in the countryside to train myself to not be afraid of the unknown and to trust and rely on my senses. One night found myself at the sea, and thought the water looked very inviting and wanted to walk out and be swallowed by its embrace. It was seductive, so seductive…. but the image was ruptured by Edie rising to the surface, irrepressible, enjoying breath and life, she is anyway an incredibly good swimmer. And I remembered my children. I sat for a long time looking at the sea, and did some deep breathing to tap deep into my grief, and finally the tears, body-wrenching sobs, came. For hours. Extraordinary entity, the body.
Went to work overseas, still couldn’t sleep or eat a thing, first panic attack and ended up in hospital. Came home eventually and spent the next rollercoaster year piecing together, through sleuthing, disclosure, TT, and much discussion the new narrative of my twenty-four years with WH. Always swimming against waves and underwater currents, trying to recognise which period of my life they came from, from childhood, other, or future. Began carrying a water pistol as a way of dealing with triggers, so many, assailed from all sides, constant. It was, has been, quite a swim, and despite my great fear of drowning, I needed to look on it as an adventure.
But you know, my narratives have not in fact changed. Everything had been genuine and authentic. My perceptions of WH as a whole, good person had always been accurate. I had even known the puer eternus in H really well, but now I was only interested in a whole man not puer eternus. That bit was up to him. If he wanted to be that man. My perceptions of myself had been accurate too.
And now I really do trust myself.
I told him today that if I could freeze how I feel today and where we are at right now that I would be a happy woman. I know the roller-coaster will dip again, but I am so enjoying today!
I had to take they day off because I went for my yearly physical. Kids are gone to grandmas and preschool. Quiet morning....ahhhh breathed in and out and enjoyed the silence for a bit than got ready.
I then went to the docs and got that out of the way and was done about noon. I texted my fws to see if he wanted to grab lunch together. He said sure and off I went to meet him.
He got there before me and had my drink already for me. When I got to the table he got up gave me a kiss and we sat. The best part was that he was truly excited to see me. He was smiling ear to ear like I haven't seen in years. And me I was giddy as a teenager. Butterflies in the belly having a crush giddy I tell ya.
We even held hands at the table. It was like we were 16 all over again!!!
We were so happy just to be able to have this time together as that we rearly get the chance as that we work on complete different sides of the city.
I saw the love in his eyes for me. And me, I am still so completely in love with my husband.
I hope that those that saw us didn't think we were the ones having the affair the way we were acting. The pure joy in both of us was just brimming out of us.
Now this is how to start off a weekend!!!
Tomorrow we are going to MC for probably the last time. It's kind of bittersweet for me. I really like the guy and he helped us tremendously. You could tell that he was rooting for us.
My SI peeps that need a positive post ....here you go.
IASS(my fws) and I are a success story. The stories are out there!!!
ETA:My phone sucks so bad that I had to fire up the computer to get all the typos
FWH and I were cleaning the house, we were listening to a retro rock station and a series of very bad 80s songs came on. we were laughing and singing with our kiddos. FWH was vacuuming the rugs and then started to roll up the big one so it would get filled with pine needles when we took the tree down.
The DDs started sitting on the rug while he was rolling it up and I thought he was going to lose it with them. When he was in A mode he had very little patience for the DDs when he was trying to get housework done so he could go out and play. but today, I saw this small grin on his face and him struggle to keep a straight face with the girls. As well as the girls absolute comfort in pushing his buttons.
At that moment I realized how much he enjoys being with us. And how different he really is.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I hesitated for a minute and then told him I was laughing at something posted on SI that was directed towards another WH. I told him I thought that mght make him uncomfortable so I wouldn't tell him if he didn't want me to. He said okay and went back to watching TV.
Two minutes later, he tapped me on the leg and said "I changed my mind." I said "About what?"
He said - I don't care if it makes me uncomfortable, you should be able to tell me anything you want. And if it's helping you get through this mess I caused, I'm 100% behind it.
It was just so nice, since I know how uncomfortable he is discussing the A and the choices he made.
We aren't that far out, but that was a nice positive moment!
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.
In my life I've battled many things; cancer, strokes, depression, the death of loved ones, etc ... and without question the infidelity that penetrated this family was the bloodiest battle of all. But it is a battle I (we) won.
If you and your S want to win this battle, you can too. Be patient, be deliberate, be strong and remain hopeful.