[This message edited by Lostly88 at 12:06 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
My husband revealed the affair with the fact that he was leaving me and going to the other woman, and within an hour of the discovery I told him no. That simple fact has beaten me down so much, that it sometimes overshadows the amazing relationship work we have done.
I think I am actually lucky. If not for this atomic bomb in our marriage, we had a dismal future of non-communication and parallel unhappiness. We are free now. We are free to say anything to each other, because the unimaginable has happened. That freedom leads to real love, a real love that I truly believe not many couples are privileged enough to live inside of.
I am so proud of myself for saying no, and for my husband to be willing to try when he felt that all hope was lost.
From great pain comes great rewards, there is only the path that exists behind us - that we cannot alter. We are building the path ahead of us with purposeful decisions and love each and every waking moment.
We really do have a blessed life."
That my friends is worth more than any amount in gold.
This can work, people do change and remorse with love provides a fuel for connection.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I am so happy with where we are right now. We are genuinely happy to be with one another and it appears many of our family and friends have noticed too. I am sure their jaws would hit the floor if they knew what is behind our new-found awareness of each other.
It has taken so much to get to where we are. I can only hope that we can keep moving forward.
I posted in OT(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507808) about my panic last night thinking I had lost the box containing all the pictures and mementos that I have of the daughter I gave up for adoption. My wonderful H remembered exactly where the box was and brought it down from the attic today.
And there was so much stuff in the box that I didn't remember.
After dday # God Only Knows in August/September 2011, I took our wedding album, tore it to pieces and threw all the pages into the front yard. They sat there for days, getting rained on, etc. They were ruined and at some point, JM picked it all up and disposed of them.
After we R and renewed our vows, I regretted destroying the pictures because I thought they were all we had. I thought our professional album had been destroyed in the house fire we had in 2000.
Well, when I was going through the stuff in this box tonight, I opened up a very old jewelry box, and inside was our original wedding album. All of the professional pics from our wedding were there. I wept, tears of relief that these pictures still existed. Tears of... grief, seeing the hope and anticipation on those young faces and knowing the pain that the future held for that bride and that groom. Tears of healing, realizing that God has taken the broken shards of our past and made a beautiful mosaic of our life.
I wish we could have learned the lessons and become who we are today some other way. But I know me, and I know JM, and we both always had to take the longer, harder path to everything. We could never do anything the easy way.
So here we are. I can now look at those wedding pictures and smile, knowing that we are here, we are together, we are not beaten or broken.
And I am happy.
My H used prostitutes, and I think our reconciliation is longer and harder because it's so gross. On DDay I threw up.
90% of the time we do ok, but we still have the occasional bad few days. The only way I could come to terms with it was to find out 'why'. For him he was badly sexually abused and although I know that's not an excuse,
it's a reason. He was very broken.
With prostitutes there's no EA. I comforted myself that they were never going to want him, and he didn't want them either. It was a business arrangement.
The one that bothered me the most was an ex pupil of his who said she loved him and wanted him for herself.
At almost a year out, I'm optimistic that it'll be ok. I honestly believe that people can change if there's enough love.
Our marriage is getting better and better. We're making it.
My heart goes out to you, it's got to be the worst sort of infidelity, but even this isn't beyond repair.
[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
THanks to everyone for sharing.
It helped me a lot just knowing that someone made it through and found a new normal! This has given me a lot of hope. When D-Day happened I had never heard a successful story, so I searched everywhere to find one. I liked that he posted his entire story because it made it easier to relate to where he was coming from, and how far he had come to get where he is today!
"And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost"
My husband and I have been in R, and while things are going well I was anxious about our having to spend Thanksgiving apart. Long story - has to do with one of our kids attending an out-of-state camp over the holiday - the point is that on top of everything else that's happened this year, we're now spending a holiday apart for the first time and we're apart as a family.
The day after I put husband and child on the plane, I was getting ready in the morning and discovered a card hidden in my dresser drawer. It was from my husband, who had written a long note that came as close to baring his soul as he's ever done in all the years we've been together. If I were to write out everything one would want to hear from a fWH, all of those things were in this note...and it came at just the right time, when we were beginning a week apart. The "old" husband wouldn't have thought ahead to how he might do something nice for me while we were apart, nor would have have shared such personal sentiments...so both huge signs of how much has changed in our M.
And....the other day was the six-month anti-versary, which I didn't realize until I was falling asleep at night. I was absolutely thrilled to realize that after counting down the days and weeks since D-Day for months...I actually forgot this milestone!
So I am sitting at my desk and thinking of the last 25 years of our life together. So many extreme events both good and bad and so many emotions both good and bad. The one constant through it all has been our love for each other. We battled the odds that were stacked against us from the beginning and came out on top.
In 73 days we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in Jamaica, the place we began as us. I cant wait to just forget about everything and just take time to relax with the woman I love.
If I look at our life together like a book it would have 5 chapters
Chapter 1: The early years.
We were two kids living the life. We had our own place and we were so grown up. We painted and decorated our first place with such love and to us it was our castle.
A couple of years went by and then we started our family. We had it all, we were so much in love and had two beautiful healthy kids, who could ask for more?
Chapter 2: My selfish years
Looking back I can now see that I had everything and almost threw it all away. I was only thinking of myself back then. I think back then we both resented each other for different reasons. We had no tools to communicate our feelings or our needs to each other. I know we tried but we just didnít know how to listen.
The funny thing is I never for one minute stopped loving you. You were on my mind always.
Chapter 3: Moving on
We worked through our problems the best we knew how and moved on in more than one way. First we rebuilt our marriage to the best of our capabilities. Then we literally moved. We took our family to the suburbs and ended up in ---------. At the time I thought we were in heaven. I remember loving coming home from work and feeling like I was on vacation. The first part of this chapter was great. We had a fresh start in a beautiful little town and our love was as strong as ever. Our two babies were doing great. What else could we ask for?
Then bam 9/11 hits us and turns our world upside down. It took a couple of years for me to recover emotionally from that.
Chapter 4: A living hell
This chapter starts with my mom getting sick and then passing away. The four of us took this real hard. She was a great mother to us and a wonderful grandmother to our kids.
The following year the bottom began to drop out. Although it would take two years for the bottom to completely fall out it had begun.
Looking back now I can see us growing apart and taking each other for granted. Not to mention the resentment that was growing.
Then that horrible day in August came that would change the landscape our lives forever.
How the hell do we recover from this? And to make matters worse we were having huge problems with our son.
By the end of this chapter we started to rebuild the foundation of our marriage with such tenacity. We were so motivated to fix what had been so badly broken. I truly believe that we succeeded in doing that.
Chapter 5: A new beginning--- on our way to a happy ending.
So we start this final chapter so much in love with each other. We both have a new found love and respect for one another
We watch our baby graduate and leave the nest.
We then buy a beautiful house in ----- and we are empty nesters so much in love with each other. I am so much enjoying this part of our lives.
This chapter is not over yet but one thing I know for sure is it will have a happy ending.
Happy Anniversary my love.
((suddenlysad)), Welcome to SI. I am sorry for your hurt. And no. You should NOT be doing all the heavy lifting.
As Chicho wrote, start a new post in Recon bc many are not likely to see this one in this particular thread.