It has been a very long and very difficult nightmare of a journey- but we are both working on putting each other first and speaking honestly everyday.
We smile more, we laugh more, we are accomplishing so much in our lives- together.
We are still fresh into this, but so far I am extremely hopeful and so excited at all of the positive changes I have seen in both of us.
It has been almost a month since I've had a "breakdown" (used to count the time between by hours or days).
We still talk about it, I still cry some, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it often- but we are stronger now- and he is showing me everyday that he is in this with me.
I look forward to my next update- may be a few months. I feel confident in our new journey.
As always, cautiously optimistic, but very much enjoying our happiness right now.
I wish everyone peace and happiness.
If you have both partners 100% committed, it can work. But only then. Never settle for less.
Honey Badger don't care. - Randall
We finally are comfortable (well, probably not completely comfortable but it is "doable") working on issues that arise together and my wife can do so without losing control emotionally.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I honestly don't think I could do it again.
But, my wife is "present" in our marriage in a way that she never was for many years, and truly is able to be more support than ever before.
The funny thing is, when the affair happened we were financially in a good place, we were finally getting established securely in our home, which was quite nice, although it was small, after 3 years. Things were "falling into place" after a lot of hard work, we were getting settled. I had time off from work, only worked 4 days a week, we had plenty of cash on hand and our credit cards were all payed off monthly. True, our kids were young and there were a lot of sleepless nights though. But the real secret was what I didn't know, what was hidden.
My wife was depressed, suicidal at times, and paranoid that I was going to leave her and the kids (all in secret of course). She was drinking in secret and smoking marijuana all in an effort to control her anxiety as her mental state spun out of control, which continued and led to the affair. She was embarrassed about sex and felt dirty every time we had sex, or at least the day after.
Now, we are much older, we are in financial turmoil and have been for years due to the real estate crisis and our not declaring bankruptcy when it hit, our home we live in is falling apart, literally (we have no kitchen floor other than the subfloor, the carpet is worn out with holes in it (probably 20 years old), we had to remove the flooring from three rooms because of a washing machine overflowing and cannot afford to replace them, the kitchen cabinets are literally falling apart, and simply cannot be fixed, we owe more on the home than it is worth, and we had a disastrous final quarter of 2013 in our business and we are now near bankruptcy, with our business and personal credit nearly maxed out...not quite but it is getting there. I'm working 5, 6, and even 7 days a week, sometimes up to 18 hours a day or more, in an effort to hold on until home prices recover so we don't lose all our property (which is our only retirement besides social security). Our kids are almost grown, two are adults and out of high school, one left home last year and moved back in when her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend ended, this was very hard on us both because he is extremely irresponsible, extreme might be putting it lightly.
But, my wife is not depressed...she is not suicidal...she is not paranoid that I am going to leave her...her anxiety is under control for the first time in ?forever?....she is not drinking in secret (in fact she quit altogether almost 4 years ago and hasn't had so much as a sip since)....she is not smoking marijuana in secret (or at all for that matter, having quite nearly 6 years ago even before our counseling started because she couldn't figure out what was happening to her), and she is here, really here, involved, not just "acting" or "faking" her involvement and zoning out when she gets the opportunity, and I can rely on her when things get tough, and she actually enjoys sex.
Wow, I guess that 20K in counseling was a good investment.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."
We know we can no longer hide our feelings. We both got so used to that over the years. More and more I see just how much I sacrificed by never speaking up about anything. I'd go along with anything to make life easier. But in the long run, all it causes is pain for both of us.
So we're trying radical honesty and trying to make all important decisions together. It feels a little exhausting, and hopefully it will get easier as we practice. I have to constantly check with myself to see if I'm really feeling this or if I'm hiding again.
I also feel closer to H than I ever have. I'm willing to go through the pain of inner growth for the feeling of not being completely alone in life. It's such a radically different marriage experience for us both.
After DDay, I kept wondering what healing wold look like. I couldn't imagine it. But now I can see it and it's amazing. I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am.
My hubby has dementia and doesn't remember his A. at all, but that's okay in his case. I love him, unconditionally, and am grateful that I have him in my life!
We'll be celebrating 20 yrs. of "wedded bliss" on 1 June, 2014. Mind you, we'll go out to eat, and it will be just fine. He's not able to walk much at all; so, we use a wheel-chair access form of transportation which is costly ($100 RT). We need to get out of the house for something besides doctor's app'ts. and the ilk. On a fairly regular basis, we meet an older couple whom we've known for these past 20 years (hubby knew them long before I did). I try to help him by drawing his friends near him as often as possible.
The only down-side for him and me is that I just don't have any sexual feelings/desires one way or the other. I DO love my hubby more than "anybody in the whole world" as I tell him repeatedly. He tells me that he loves me about (what seems like) 50x a day! Yeah, that does get annoying, but he can't help it. I suppose that I just need to realize that I should enjoy hearing the words, ILY, because one day I won't be able to hear his voice say them; then, I'll wish that I hadn't said anything about the repetition!
Now, you know what our life is like these days. I love him (FWH) and am grateful for our togetherness. That's IT! I have providers who help me to take care of him; so that I may get out and relax/unwind/run errands every day of the week for 8 hrs.
Cheers, and know that the marriage can be made strong, again. It's up to the parties involved as to whether or not it gets reconciled. I couldn't imagine my life without Hubby. Here we are, about 11 years from d-day, and I'm happy!
[This message edited by Ole Restart at 1:23 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]
Today is our 6 year anniversary of D-day. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of that day. I remember so clearly how I told my husband that I was unfaithful. We had a really rough time moving forward but we were committed to each other and our marriage so we worked hard at recovery. We went to counseling and had faith-based help too. Those beginning days were especially hard as we both owned our parts in our broken relationship. Triggers were still touchy for a few years. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. Today I actually had to remind my dear husband the significance of the day. Time does help to lessen the pain.
We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We now understand how much a good marriage is truly worth because we had to fight for it and work for it. We are much stronger now than before the affair.
Best wishes for all of you on your path to healing, in whatever form that takes.
As a WS, I fought against R for about 2yrs. Then I hit bottom and gerrygirl had found SI, so I signed up too. about 6-months later she discovered False-R, and that was the real rock bottom. But, she fought for R and for our M.
That was 2010. So I guess we are at 4yrs in R, and it was most definitely worth it.
After everything, it turns out that communication was the main problem (not the reason for the EA...). Even deeper than that though was the fear of communicating certain things. We both had this problem, and still do to some extent, but now we are able to get over our fears and communicate the tough issues. Part of communication is listening, and we've both become better listeners.
I love my wife. It is something that I lost site of a number of years ago. We are happy now though. We respect each other. We check in with each other. We look forward to seeing each other. We pick up the slack for each other when we need to. We know each others strengths. We trust each other.