And it is probably only within the last two years that I would say things are really good again. After the second D-day, my husband went into a lot of very intensive therapy, at his choosing. Therapy in a way that had not occurred the first time. The first D-day we were reactive and bandaid mode - can we/should we save this marriage? By the time we got done with that, I think we were both too emotionally exhausted to do anything else. And that worked..... for a while. Until the old personal issues came up again, and it led to the second incident.
Anyway - I can't sugar coat this.... At ten years, I can still get sad, although very, very rarely. I don't really trigger like I used to, although I went through EMDR therapy to help with that. We can talk about it, refer to it, acknowledge that it happened without crying. But we don't, because we don't need to. We know it happened, and we know that it was a terrible thing.
But..... notice the "we" - We are definitely a "we"
We talk. We're not afraid to get our therapist involved at the slightest hint of something. He still sees her somewhat regularly (which is a good thing!) even though she has "graduated" him. It makes him feel better. We look at our friends and can see where they have weaknesses in their boundaries or in their marriages, and we, as a couple, decide whether to include them in our friend circle, or decide if it is not worth it. We try to keep our circle positive with people working on positive marriages.
But we are most definitely a team. And I think in comparison to a lot of people, we have a pretty good marriage, despite everything we have been through.
For those of you in the six month highs or the two year lows or someplace in between.... It can work, and it can be better than where the relationship is going. It is not easy, on either side and (I can't stress this enough) it takes A LOT OF TIME. I am not one for "forgiveness" on this item - but I am one for acceptance. I can't change what happened, and I can only control how I deal with it. Being angry all the time hurts me, not him. Being sad all the time hurts me, not him.
It is only now, after almost 10 years that I felt comfortable writing this. I'm pretty sure my H would be happy to see it, although I really doubt he comes back here anymore. I know I'm happy to write it.
...and on our 42nd anniversary, we exchanged cards, and enjoyed lunch at our favourite restaurant the next day. This is us back in February at our favourite beach restaurant in Negril, our annual winter two week getaway.
.....and last night I booked our return trip next February.
[This message edited by looking forward at 11:26 PM, July 25th (Friday)]
I read this and it resonated with me. I am 20 months out from DD and got the truth all at once through his own confession. The days where it completely hijacks me and steals my days are getting fewer and fewer. I, too, have days where doubt and indecision about whether I'm doing the right thing seem to grip me but there are many days where I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel.
Hang in there everyone. Your stories inspire me and I hope to be in complete R someday and be a light for you all reading here.
Keep the inspiring stories coming!!
Hang in there folks. Hearts can change. Love and trust can be restored. Like the mythological phoenix, your marriage can emerge from the ashes refreshed and recharged!!
*Please do not solicit your products/blogs.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]
I chose "Looking4myHeart" as a username, because I can honestly say that it felt like my heart was ripped out 2 years ago and I have been walking around like the TinMan aimlessly looking for it.
I won't go into a long-winded account of how our marriage self-destructed two years ago, but to keep it simple, my husband had a covert texting/flirting EA with a waitress at a place he frequently visited on the lunch hour. She pursued him with a vengeance, even after I found the texting evidence and the whole EA came to light.
Then 6 months ago, she stalked me and our daughters on Facebook and a whole lot of other clues came out, including a picture with my husband kissing her on the forehead, and the PA was revealed shortly after. Needless to say, the ugly truth all came out, and like MANY stories I've read here, when the affair is finally scrutinized in the light of day, and the guilt kicks in, the affair isn't all that 'grand' anymore. He ended it…not without some big fireworks when the OW made a huge scene in front of two of our kids, sadly.
Lots of hard, tearful conversations later, my husband and I are working on this and making significant progress. He has been so loving and caring these last couple of months. We are still separated (after him leaving in Oct 2013), but we see each other every day for the sake of our four kids. I will say he has been Wonder Dad since everything happened. He is trying so hard to make up for lost time. He tells me every single night before he leaves that he loves me, and his hugs are so very tender and genuine now. (For years I got an eye-roll and an obligatory hug…so his REAL hugs mean the world to me now.)
I have done sooooo much self-reflection in the last six months, read about a dozen books, went to counseling both with a marriage counselor and my pastor, went to doctor and in humiliating fashion requested STD testing and anti-depressants. Gotta admit, taking care of ME FIRST was extremely good advice. I've now lost 36 pounds and am finally back in the same fitness/weight range as my college years.
I know with faith and patience and lots of TLC and forgiveness, we will eventually have a healthy marriage again. I love my husband beyond words - never did stop or question loving him even at our lowest. It's been the most difficult tragedy we've ever faced (and believe me, we've had several other traumas/deaths that were NOT as hard as this betrayal) but I know with God's help and guidance, we are definitely going to survive.
THANK YOU so much, SI, for being here for all of us betrayed spouses. This website has given me an emotional boost - crucial to my maintaining some kind of optimism. God bless all you other ladies and gentlemen out there who are struggling - DON'T GIVE UP!
Continued peace and growth and grace to all of you.
It has been a long but fruitful journey with lots of hurts but also lots of joy along the way.
Our relationship is the best its ever been and I personally have grown so much during this time that I can't even begin to describe.
We as a couple are blessed by God, our friends, family, and an incredibly caring group of counselors. I am blessed by the most wonderful woman in the world - my wife - to whom I am completely committed to in all ways for the rest of our lives.