Yes we are only at5 weeks out,but it does seem so easy to love each over again. I actually told her I was incredible happy with where we are, but also terribly said that we didn't fix this sooner.
We are surviving infidelity, together...We did not give up on each other. We no longer have a child centered marriage, we communicate what we need, we put each other first. My husband is a new man, he is more committed to me than he ever has been. Our priority is "us". I feel a love for him and from him that I did not think was possible. We choose to love and to do positive things for each other.
This is not easy. It has been the hardest and worst thing to happen to me. I still get sad, he holds me if I cry @ night, he's there for me if something triggers me, he's doing a wonderful job of loving me.
This has changed me, changed how I look at the world, I'm a different person, I am very strong. I think anyone who survives this is.
My life story has some really bad parts in it & a lot of pain but the road got me to where I am today. Today I am grateful for what I have and for my husband. He is the love of my life and I love him more than words can say. We communicate, have passion and great sex and we are best friends.
If we can make it through this,together, we can make it through anything.
So can you. Today is a gift.
In fact all 5 pages on this thread should be read and reread by people like me and my H who are in the process of R which we all know isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight to survive infidelity together as you said. My H and I are trying, and I guess that is all I can ask for. I'm thankful that he is trying to give me, our M, and himself a 2nd chance.
[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 2:09 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
Recent life stressors have been a major issue with each of us lately but the awesome thing is that we learned so much after Dday in IC and MC that we've applied to all areas of our lives. We take everything one step at a time, are honest and open with everything and it's just been so incredible!
In one way, I am happy that we were forced to look at our relationship and that we decided to fix it together. Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
Do I wish it happened differently? I'm not sure because I don't know if anything else would've been a strong enough wake up call for us both.
I completely agree with this for us. Something catastrophic was bound to happen. It happened exactly the way it had to.
Last Friday was date night. Nothing extra special. We got the kids a pizza and headed out for dinner. Wait was over an hour - which typically really upsets me. I was not happy, but we sat and talked and time went pretty quick. After dinner a little walk through the mall looking for a gift for her mom. Card shopping - Women take forever! Then ice cream for dessert.
A quiet evening with my wife, and the kids did not burn down the house I would call that a positive R story.
As I was laying in bed last night I was inventorying my feelings throughout the day. I could not think of one moment that I was in a rut. I'm sure there were passing thoughts but none that invoked any negative feelings.
I was grateful for the present. I was hopeful for the future. I was in the moment. I was free.
I decided to put this on the permanent record.
i love this man though i still hurt his attuitude and him knowing what hes done a determination to make a change with not just him but our entire marriage getting rid of all distractions and making it about us was alot that he has done in a short amount of time this man is serious about me and my girls he is hanging on for dear life at my beck and call and i love to know i mean that much to him . he is so hard and cold to other ppl but has been so soft to me that most wouldnt believe it . he would just tell them this women (me) is responsible for the person i will become she controls me lol .....yeah hes back in line i know we have ALOT of work ahead but right now today i feel good
I'M ON THE FENCE
4 years from DD#1 and 1yr 3 mos from DD#2. I've been questioning if we are really in R or if it is a false R. MC went badly, as counselor is losing patience with me/my anger and distrust toward H. I've been wondering if I really can't feel good about him anymore.
H went on a 1 week business trip. I've been sad since last night because I have sensed distance going both ways. I began to trigger and worry how he would "behave" while gone. I came to SI to pick at the scab.
The door bell rang, and there were flowers...for me! The note said "Miss you already." and he is still on the plane, not having landed at his destination yet. I felt his embrace, my heart lifted and I felt love and warm feelings for him. He still loves me, and is doing his best to R keep rebuilding the M on his side. I need to give him a chance, let down my guard and go with the flow...something I haven't done since DDay#2.
Since DDay 2, my H has really opened up to me. He doesn't shy away when I need to talk about A-related issues. He listens to me. He shares his thoughts. It's really been amazing how far we have come - this time last year we were separated and he was in a LD EA/later PA with OW4.
Two weeks ago, his grandma had a stroke. She's 92. She's stable but lost mobility on her left side. He went home to see her this past Tuesday. He also helped his mom look for assisted living facilities. It was a very stressful time for him. He called (and texted) very often - just to hear my voice. I listened when he cried. I encouraged him. I was there for him whenever he needed me.
He came home Saturday night to be here for Father's Day. He hugged me so tight! We went to the bedroom and laid on the bed for a few minutes just so he could decompress. He told me that he appreciates me and he realized how much he really needs me. Later that night, he showed me how much
Yesterday was Father's Day. I suprised him with a new grill, cookbook, etc and I had the yard done so he wouldn't have to cut grass when he got back. He was very happy with his grill - and the steaks were awsome!
Last night, he told me how wonderful I am. How much he loves me. He also told me that he thinks stress is related to his wayward behavior. He said that he caught himself one time thinking "That nurse has a nice ass". He said he immediately stopped himself and said "What the hell are you thinking? She's nothing." So he called me instead. He was so proud of himself for recognizing that split second thought and knowing how to handle it properly. He also noticed his married uncle flirting with the nurses and was repulsed by his bevavior.
I told him that these 5 days apart gave me a chance to put some of the DDay 2 information in perspective. That I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand all of the whys. So, I want to focus on our present and future. I have healed enough that I don't need to dwell on his As anymore. He told me that he lived the "single" life and that there is no other place that he wants to be than home with me! He appreciates his quiet life filled with love, not drama and lies.
We fell asleep last night in each other's arms, secure in our marriage, our future and our love for one another.
[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:40 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]
My story is a little different than most because my DH went to IC and started putting in the hard work finding out why he made the choice to have an A 5 months before he confessed to me. We had been legally separated for almost 8 months when he confessed, I did not know about the A when I moved out, but we had been "dating" since about the time he started seeing his IC. I had just moved back in a couple weeks before he confessed.
Anyway, sorry I tend to get a little off track. I went with him to a couple of his sessions (the last half hour of each session) and then I started going to his IC myself after he confessed. I have to say, I was scared out of my mind. However,my DH went with me and sat in the waiting room until I was done. He never once asked to come in, he said he just wanted to be there to support me when I was done. Which I always thought was very sweet and loving of him. Eventually I started having him come in for the last half of my session. From there we started actual MC with the same person. Never once did the thought ever cross my mind to get a D after he confessed to me. The time we had been apart while we were separated was so hard, I missed him too much and he missed me and my kids. I had always thought he resented my kids, but turns out he just thought he was a horrible parent. He has said many times that he doesn't know how to be a Dad. He has since learned that he is a great Dad. He Loves them, he wants the best for them. They are teenagers, they have mouths and they are exploring their independence. It has nothing to do with his ability to be a good dad. We have explored this part of his feeling like he isn't good enough in MC. Once I broke it down for him and compared him to their actual "father"... ie: he has never missed a volleyball game, softball game,track meet, band concert,parade, band competition, football game and he uses all his vacation every year so that he can go to band camp and doesn't have to miss anything, and their actual "father" has been to exactly 1 band concert, 2 football games and 2 parades (one of which was the same night as the football game) in 9 yrs. He has never been there for them, my DD17 hasn't been to his house in 4 1/2 yrs, youngest DD went 2 months ago and said that was it she isn't going back. My DS21 rarely ever speaks to him, but they appreciate everything that my DH has ever done for them, they know how proud he is of them. I never knew just how much his thoughts on not being a good dad affected him.
We have mostly good days now. He understands the pain I feel and when I have a bad day he tries to comfort me. He has helped me to face my triggers head on and he senses now when something is about to trigger me and will do something to comfort me. As a couple we are so much stronger than we have ever been. As a family we are happier than ever. I know we are going to make it! I know that he wants nothing to do with the OW. I know that he used her to fill a void in his life and that she pursued him when she knew he was weak and clinically depressed, not saying that is an excuse just that I know it is his why and his how. After seeing the pain he has caused me I honestly don't think he will ever stray again, I can see in his eyes how deeply it affects him to see the pain he has caused me. I need constant reassurance and he gives it, without question, without me asking, without getting upset. He offered all his info: passwords for everything, took the password off his phone, and installed the "find my friends" app on his phone, all without me asking.
I know we still have a long road to go before we are 100% healed, but we are on the right track and I couldn't be happier about that!
Sorry this is so long, I tend to be long winded!
I had a rough day yesterday. Triggered pretty hard and gave my wife some grief for the first time in awhile. But by the time we went to bed, we were on good terms. We had a great day today!
This is significant because just one month ago, a day like yesterday would have sent me into a tailspin that would last at least 4-5 days, making us both miserable.
Getting back on an even keel the same day is a huge step forward for us. The roller coaster ride is starting to smooth out a bit.
VD is not Victory!
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???
She broke her phone over the weekend. This morning we got her a new phone. As we got in the car she said, "oh no, now we won't be able to go through all those old messages"
Without even thinking I responded, "if I didn't trust you I would have been checking them all along". Which is so true.
[This message edited by Chicho at 8:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)]