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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part II

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SI Staff posted 1/16/2012 15:48 PM

For those that are personally dealing with this situation.

CanISurvive posted 1/16/2012 17:01 PM

TY Admin for starting the Part II after the last subforum filled up! This should be the URL to the original subforum if anyone wanted/needed to refer back, read up on past posts, etc.

Thought I'd start off with a check-in to see how everyone is doing in the new year? My IC continues; progress is slow but I do feel like I am making progress. Wishing all the othe SAB & Spouses of SAB Survivors healing and peace in 2012.

(edited due to SmartPhone not being as smart as it should be)

[This message edited by CanISurvive at 5:02 PM, January 16th (Monday)]

wincings_sparkle posted 1/16/2012 19:35 PM

Thank You, Admin.

Ditto CanISurvive: Wishing ALL Healing and Peace in 2012!

My first post in the old part I was on

It was the first time that I had "spoken out" about the abuse that I had survived as a child or the rape that I had survived as a teen.

Since then, I continue to see my IC, continue to read, and I am now working at a psychiatric facility where I help others who have gone through similar experiences sometimes. Not all of the patients, just some.

Which is good because I couldn't do it all the time. It's hard. I come home and cry. It's good though. For me and for them. It's a way to pay it forward. To help and to heal.

Anyway, it's always one day at a time.
Reminding myself that I'm in control of myself and no one else.
Reminding myself that I can't fix anything but myself.

I still have nightmares on bad nights. They are fewer and farther apart.

Maybe someday they will stop.

That's my update.

Nature_Girl posted 1/16/2012 22:02 PM

My grandfather molested me for 10 years, from however young he could get me (I can recall not liking him as a toddler) up to age 10. The only reason he stopped at age 10 is because we moved away to another state.

I tried two times to tell my mother. The first I was about 4 or 5-years old. I didn't have the words to describe what he was doing to me, and she didn't understand what I was trying to say (or didn't WANT to understand). So I was forced back into his affections. The 2nd time I was older & begged her not to make me be around him or allow him to touch/hug me. She became very angry with me and again forced me to submit to him.

As an adult I've discovered that he molested most/all of his children, and the majority of his grandchildren. Boys, girls, didn't matter. I am aware of one instance in which he fondled the wife of an adult grandson.

At age 19 I was date raped. He showed me his gun but didn't put it against me, just showed it to me & laid it on his nightstand. I got the message. He made me tell him I loved him over & over, and then he turned into some kind of sick stalker or something. Forced me into a sick boyfriend/girlfriend situation, insisting I keep telling him I loved him. Threatening to tell my family what a slut I was to have sex with him, forcing to harm them... I eventually moved to another state & he followed me, broke into my room...

And now I'm married to a SA.

I just want it all to stop.

HFSSC posted 1/17/2012 12:36 PM

I'd like to introduce myself to this group.

My name is Holly. I was molested by my maternal uncle for as long back as I can remember. He also molested my mom and her sister. When I was in 2nd grade, he needed a place to stay, so my mom allowed him to move in our home in exchange for providing free child care. What a great deal!!!

I was date-raped at age 19 (this was how I lost my virginity) and found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later. I gave the baby up for adoption and spent the next 21 years trying to make the pain go away.

I learned in adulthood that my uncle molested every kid in my generation, boys and girls. It is so sad and sick to look at my family tree.

And I never learned so many important things about love and relationships and trust. I never knew I was worth being taken care of.

My 1st H cheated on me multiple times and eventually left me for the OW. And now I find myself in marriage #2 with a WH. But things are different this time.

I got sober in 2008 and I learned that I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am worthy of being loved and cherished and respected. And my H is rising to the challenge. Every day is a new beginning, and I am finally experiencing love.

But so many of the scars from my childhood are still there. It pisses me off that someone had the power to absolutely destroy me when I had no power at all.

Thank you all for being here and for being willing to open up and share your stories. It helps to know I am not alone.

caspers1wish posted 2/2/2012 10:32 AM

I haven't posted in a while, glad to see there is a new thread going, it means we're surviving.

Since August-Sept, I've turned a corner in my healing, much to do with reaching out to my aunt, my abuser's sister, and she has been a fierce force in my corner. When I started to notice the change this fall, I was afraid to say anything out loud, worried I'd jinx myself. And now, I'm ok if it's temporary or tomorrow is dark and bleak.

I had a light bulb moment when thinking about everything and all I have been through, and I'm pretty sure I've put this out there somewhere else on this forum, but it still bears repeating because it's huge for my own healing journey. I'm a sort of "things happen for a reason" person. All my suffering must be for a reason, and surely I won't suffer anymore now that I'm healing and working on myself. And yet I kept suffering in many ways, because of me. I was allowing myself to believe that I'm owed a pain-free life here on out, so when anything bad happened, a traffic ticket, a bad day, the kids acted up, it was all the injustices in the world pitted against me, life sucked and wasn't fair. Life doesn't work that way. There are no guarantees, no promises. Life has ups and downs, bad things happen, good things happen, sometimes for no rhyme or reason, some things are simply out of our control. When I let go of that perfect life I had built up in my head, let go of trying to control my life's outcome to fit what I had envisioned, I started to feel that allusive peace I thought I'd never find.

It was acceptance. I didn't do anything to cause my abuse, and no karmic energy of the universe caused it either. I don't know why it happened and I still ponder those whys now and then, but I can't change that it happened. I can only change how I deal with it now, those choices are mine, to deal in a healthy way, or an unhealthy way. I have accepted that my abuse is not the last painful thing I will go through. For some reason, this is comforting thinking. Life isn't perfect, and that's ok, it doesn't have to be. There will be pain, there will be joy. It's enough. I finally feel like I'm a survivor, not just surviving or simply existing.

This has been the longest I have gone without cycling through a depressive episode and actually not trying to NOT make it happen or make it happen. It's ok to feel sad and angry at times, it's ok to feel down, and it's ok to feel ok in my own skin. I have let go of a lot of guilt, misplaced guilt, guilt for cutting my parents out of my life, for not throwing some sort of crumb of hope of reconciliation their way, guilt if they harm themselves, guilt for being a helpless child. The grip the abuse had on my life has lessened greatly.

I'm healing, not healed. I work on accepting and loving myself every day, focusing on my strengths. I work on honest communication and intimacy with my husband. I have immense gratitude for the caring and sensitive individuals who post here and have reached out with a kind word. I hope everyone is finding their inner peace.

EasyDoesIt posted 4/6/2012 18:03 PM

I'm posting here because it's an applicable forum as I was raped by my spouse, which is what led to me discovering his infidelities.

Spousal rape. Yes, it DOES happen. I still can't say the word out loud. I'm in counseling but I've been sleeping on the couch for over two years even though he moved out 8 months ago. I cannot even look at the bed.

oldtimer97 posted 6/23/2012 13:58 PM

Does anyone know any good books about Sister-Brother incest? It was only through an online chat my H was having w/a 21yr old (maybe) online gal that he was trying to procure, that he revealed he and another brother were molested from 5-8 years by his older sister..think she's 6-8 years older. He said he never told me because it felt good. I just told him yes, I understood that & there wasn't any shame in that.

This explains so much. It's something he never told me. The first 10 years of our marriage were great, although I was a bit more permissable about porn back then & we'd watch it together to spice things up. Before he got totally wound up with the internet...first huge porn downloading of which he'd never be able to watch all in his lifetime, I did notice he started spending more time watching the porn movies than me.

Things started to go to a downhill slide when he got one, said it was a mistake, but it was a very violent one with gang rape. That pretty much squelched it for me, having been gang raped on two occasions. It wasn't long after that he started to act out with women online.

But anyways, I'm also an SA survivor & this new revelation makes so much sense. The whole family is screwed up. The sister besides being older was a half-sister if that makes a difference. She seems to be the only one he has a bond with, even though she's never told him the time of day since we've been together...she's been a meth addict on & off & really never communicates with him.

During a recent meeting we had with my Psychologist, the question was brought up on who the sister learned this behavior from. I was surprised my H said not just her father, but also possibly his! This has been quite the surprise since he's always presented his growing up as Ozzie & Harriet, but forgets he told me how as the 3rd youngest in the family of 4 he was pretty much ignored or tried to stay out of the chaos. And here I thought I chose the sane one out of their group.

Anyways, if anyone knows any books or has personally experienced this, I'd really like to know more...thx in advance.

smokenfire posted 6/23/2012 21:27 PM

I am a survivor - there are not many books out there dealing specifically with sibling on sibling abuse - I Have no idea why. I just know when it happened to person I was trying to help, I could not find a single one - I think really any of the other books "could" help - but it'd be better of course to have one specifically dealing with that.

oldtimer97 posted 6/24/2012 11:30 AM

Thanks Smoken..this doesn't surprise me. At 64 yrs old, I've seen the changes (in fact would say my generation has fought for those changes) to open up about the SA taboo, get it out there so people & children in particular will speak out to keep it from happening or feel freer to discuss it.

BUT...the popular myth is that females are not capable of this & tho less prevalent, it's not true. I became a victim of my mother of all people. Yep, there are very few books about that. I'll be the first to admit it's not something I feel free to discuss, much less alone, write a book. Add in the confusion and child like thoughts..and then between siblings "were we only playing doctor?" type messages, yeah, sounds like there won't be much, if anything out there for the casual reader...only psychological journals I guess.

0115 posted 6/29/2012 00:00 AM

My fWH suffered abuse mainly from his older brother but also older cousins. A SA IC said that the whole affair was an acting out (knee jerk reaction) to his trauma. Have you heard this in any of your counseling sessions? I do trust the IC and it makes sense to me...I was just looking for your opinions. Thanks so much in advance.

NothngElseMattrs posted 7/8/2012 12:53 PM

Hi all.

The aftermath of D-Day was a big trigger for me. H accused me one night of never being truly honest with him about me and my past. This led to me putting into words for the first time in my life, for the first time in 20+ years, about my molestation as a child. Now that all this is churned up, it's really hard. I get triggered all the f-ing time. I used to watch SVU with my mom and siblings, who know nothing of my abuse, and now I can't watch it without triggering. WTF!!

I thought I had put all this behind me. Sorry for the rant. The past 24 hours have been kind of a nightmare for me.

CanISurvive posted 7/12/2012 03:53 AM


A lot of SAB's compartmentalized to survive. Opening that box does lead to a lot of triggers (I have never watched SVU because it would be highly unpleasant). Are you in any counseling? If not, I strongly recommend you find one soon. As painful as all this is, counseling can really make a difference. Sending you healing thoughts.

deepbreaths posted 7/15/2012 21:17 PM

My husband was raped by his father throughout his childhood- until the father was incarcerated for molesting other children in the home. I didn't find this out until after DD1, which was 10 years into our marriage. We've done counseling together and he's done some IC,but it never lasts long before they say he's doing well, and I don't think enough goes into his childhood. Any suggestions on finding a counselor to really get to the heart of things?

NothngElseMattrs posted 7/16/2012 00:58 AM

CanISurvive, I'm sorry I missed your reply... I am in IC but we were shoving my SAb issues aside to deal with the A's. But H's SA diagnosis and some of his behaviors are that much more complicated and now I do have to deal with my SAb issues in the present :/ Sucks, but it is what it is. Bummer that I keep wanting to climb back into that place where I could safely compartmentalize so much.

deepbreaths, in my limited experience with IC's... they're not gonna make their patient go there and deal with it if the patient doesn't want to. Perhaps your H doesn't exactly want to deal with it and talk about it with an IC? Maybe gender plays a role? I know I'd be somewhat uncomfortable talking to a male IC about the abuse I survived. Perhaps the converse is true for your H?

deepbreaths posted 7/16/2012 09:20 AM

He just scheduled an appt with a male counselor whom specializes in sexual dysfunction. This isn't the same in my eyes as someone who focuses on abuse. We'll see how it goes, but we are really struggling to find a mc dealing with infidelity and sexual abuse. I believe they are related, even if just in terms of self esteem issues.

OnceWasEnough posted 7/16/2012 13:04 PM

I'm glad, but sad to see this topic active again. It is posted on so very little but is the spot where I really need to hang out.
My FWS was molested by both his father and sister (see my profile) Thankfully we found a SAB specialist for males who were molested in childhood, however in doing so, the A was pushed aside and has been swept under the rug since.
The specialist was recommended by an IC I was going to at the time. A few books I had purchased back when his SAB was disclosed are:

Repressed Memories, A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse, by Renee Fredrickson, PHD

A Couple's Guide to Healing, If the Man you Love was Abused, by Marie H. Browne, RN, PHD, with Marlene M. Browne, ESQ.

The Sexual Healing Journey, A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Revised Edition, by Wendy Maltz

Broken Boys/Mending Men, Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse, by Stephen D. Grubman-Black

Hope this helps.


[This message edited by OnceWasEnough at 12:41 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

noremorse posted 7/16/2012 13:06 PM

I haven't been on SI for a while and just saw this thread. Glad to know that this exists as I was raped by my spouse.

deepbreaths posted 7/16/2012 22:36 PM

Thanks for the book info. I'll check that out. It just seems like the abuse and the A are so intertwined that there's no way to heal one without addressing the other. but maybe I'm making excuses?

no remorse, i hope you are able to get the support and healing you need from this forum. My thoughts go out to you.

0115 posted 7/17/2012 17:18 PM

I would love some opinions on this. Have any of the spouses of a SAB ever confronted the abuser? Have any of the SAB's?
Thanks in advance. I know this is such a sensitive topic and I have no one IRL to ask.

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