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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part II

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Lola2kids posted 8/15/2014 11:08 AM

I came here just to read.
It's so hard to read some of these stories.

I was molested when I was a young girl.
I don't remember how old I was around 8-10 I think.

I describe it as molesting but I really don't know what the term means. I was touched inappropriately and I always say in IC that I was molested.

The story:
I was covering for my brother's paper route. Yes, back when papers were delivered door to door and then you had to collect the money and punch the card for each subscriber that they had paid.
This disgusting old man with bleary eyes and a cane all hunched over paid me the money for the paper. I think it was about $1.60 a month or something like that.
He held up two dimes in his hand. I don't remember if he ever spoke, I'm not sure but if he did speak I didn't understand the mumbling.
I realized that the 20 cents was for me as a tip. I put out my hand and he brushed it aside and reached for my private area. He put the back of his hand on the outside of my vagina and rubbed back and forth.
I remember feeling impatient that the stupid old man was so blind that he couldn't find my pocket to deposit the money. I remember the pants I was wearing had 2 pockets that were sewn on the outside. Placard pockets I think they are called.
When I tried to redirect his hand to my pocket he kind of brushed my hand aside. He rubbed me again and then handed me the money.

I left finally and went on to the next house. This would have been in the 1970's and I promptly forgot about the incident.

It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realized what had been done to me. I don't know why I remembered it then.

You would think that this simple little incident would be easy to get over.
I find now that it has coloured almost my entire life from that moment on.
I have never been close to my brother. I think I resented that I was doing his job and that awful man had access to me.
I have been betrayed by my father. He decided to turn his back on his kids in order to continue his "platonic" relationship with a married woman. He lived in her house along with her husband and kids. When my older sister protested he disowned all 6 of his kids.
I realized that it could have been so much worse. If the old man had dragged me into his house and raped me or killed me. It's scary.

I never had a boyfriend in middle school or high school.
I never even had a date.
I never went out drinking with friends.

Until I met X. I was 31 years old.
I took a chance.
I even told him about the old man.
I never told ANYONE else except him.
He betrayed me.

I have very little trust left.
He lied to me over and over.
He told me that all he did was fall in love for the first time in his life when he reconnected with an old girlfriend. She has the same first name as me.
This was after living with me for 12 years and 2 kids together.

How do I get over this?
I am in IC. She is the only other person I have ever told.
It's hard to even type out the words.
It seems so minor. Like it shouldn't be a big deal.
But...I don't think I will ever trust again. I have no desire for another relationship ever again and I push people aside and make myself so unattractive that it is not even likely that anyone would want me.

I can't imagine the pain of actual sexual abuse which is so much worse.

I survived, I guess.
It doesn't feel much like I will get over this.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:55 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

BlueBlueEyes posted 8/15/2014 12:32 PM

Wow. I really hope to get there. I'm following in your wake!

Lola. If you aren't open to love you can't find it. Some people aren't worth fighting for, but you are. Why aren't you fighting to make your life better and leave him in the rear view mirror. You are your daughters example. Would you want them to place their entire self worth in two men? I hope this isn't too harsh, I truly wish better things for you.

Lola2kids posted 8/15/2014 13:14 PM


Not harsh, no.
I am working on it in IC.

Let's just say for now I am open to the possibility of another relationship. I just don't think that is likely to happen given my track record.

Now I just need to work on the self esteem to realize that someone may actually want me.
I'm not there yet.

BlueBlueEyes posted 8/15/2014 18:52 PM

Think about some of the people you've loved the most. The people I admire the most are average, low key, loving and kind. Their looks, weight, color etc. don't matter. It's their ability to smile across a room and make you feel special. I'm sure your daughters recognize that smile.

plainsong posted 8/17/2014 12:19 PM

BlueBlue Eyes -

Two books I would recommend are Betrayed as Boys by Richard Gartner and Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. I am not familiar with what is available on online websites, but it sounds like there are some good resources out there. You can also check Amazon or other booksellers for books on trauma, sexual abuse, PTSD and dissociation. Repeated abuse is a very common outcome of sexual abuse, as is an intense feeling of shame. I like Davis' book because she deals with both how a partner can help and the partner's absolute right to decide if this is too hard for them.

All the best as you deal with this. Remember that finding out about this is also a trauma for you. You deserve IC support for yourself, too.

plainsong posted 8/17/2014 12:28 PM

Lola2kids -

Yes, you were molested. Your private space, your body, your sexuality and your sense of self were invaded. And then your sense of agency and power to protect yourself were overridden. Your conclusions about life and your decisions about how to cope have affected the whole rest of your life. THIS IS NOT MINOR. There is no need to compare what you experienced with what anyone else may have experienced.

By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on trying to redirect his hand. This shows your inherent sense of boundaries, strength and self worth, which you can build on now that you have a safe place to process your feelings and get accurate information about how you are entitled to be treated. You can do this.

Edith posted 8/18/2014 13:52 PM

Oh dear Lola, I am so sorry for what you endured. Though our stories are different, the results are very much the same. I also avoided boys all during school and even now at 56, I am fearful of men. It takes me a very long time to feel at ease with people, and very little can send me into a panic.

I have worked with IC a great deal, but in the end, I feel it is my burden to carry. The fact that I was betrayed by my husband brought back so much of my childhood trauma I was truly shocked.

I remind myself that all of that is in the past. I will not let anything like that happen again. Of course, there are situations that are beyond our control, but I carry mace and do kickboxing.

Hugs to you, my dear. PM me if you need someone to talk to.


BlueBlueEyes posted 8/18/2014 13:55 PM

Plainsong, I just ordered the Allues in Healing book. These should keep me busy. Thank you for the wonderful wisdom and guidance. I sincere appreciate it.

Lola2kids posted 8/19/2014 09:10 AM

I just wanted to say thank you all for your compassion and your kind words.

It helps to know I'm not alone.

I felt alone for so long (in and out of the relationship).

My kids are the focus right now.
I am working on myself.
If I had not been cheated on I would never be in IC. This is for the best right now.
I am getting help.

I feel so much stronger.
Maybe just knowing why you are the way you are puts you on the path of healing.

Hugs to all.

Edith posted 9/7/2014 07:42 AM

I think I am finally done with them. I have been dutifully calling my mother every couple of weeks. This time I missed a week because I was having a tough time. So I tried calling this week. No answer. Repeatedly no answer. She has dementia, and my brother had moved in with her. So I sent a text to my sister, and she finally called me yesterday. They put my mother in a nursing home a week and a half ago. The dementia had gotten so bad, but no one bothered to let me know.

So just like at my father's funeral when there were not enough chairs in the front row for me, there was not enough room in the limo for me, when my mother was admitted to the hospital, she told them she had 3 kids instead of 4 so I could not talk to the nurses. They have left me out, so it is time for me to step away.

These people hate me for telling the truth. They hate me for confronting my parents. My mother is too addled to remember now, but I cannot forget. So I think my duty to her is over. I probably should have done this years ago, but at this point I feel I have no choice. She is too demented to even answer a phone call, and I live in another state.

So go ahead, Mom. Live out the rest of your life with the 3 kids you "loved." You finally get to pretend you were a good mother, and no one else knows of the hundreds of times you forced me to go to bed with my drunk father. No one else knows that what the two of you did was the reason for my dissociative disorder, no one else knows how you ridiculed me for that. How you screamed and raged at us and gave us enemas when you were angry at my father. You will never know the humiliation of a 12-year-old girl in middle school dissociating, the kids all looking at me like I was crazy. You will never know the pain I felt when I learned that my parents and all my siblings were testifying against me at a custody trial. You even admitted that that testimony was retaliatory, but thank God the judge saw through your horrific hate. You look harmless and benign, but I know the truth. And I will never forget.


20WrongsVs1 posted 9/7/2014 09:13 AM

Edith, every time you share your story, I am stunned by the evil depravity to which you've been subjected. There just are not words. I can't relate to what you're going through, but I am and for you all the same.

Can you just pretend they're all dead?

caspers1wish posted 10/6/2014 11:53 AM


Always know you did the right thing and live by your truths, regardless of the so-called family who chose to ignore and blame you. I think it is best to be done with them. It seems so unfair, doesn't it? But you can finally allow yourself to let go. They will never get it, never be there for you the way you needed them to. Letting go of that hope really hurts, but it allows you to move toward a peaceful life that is no longer full of pain and anxiety.

Hugs and support to you. Hoping you are doing well.

Mike26 posted 10/6/2014 22:19 PM

Hi All,
I've been struggling a tremendous amount recently. I cheated on my husband 2 months after we got married and after an amazing 7 year relationship. I was sexually abused by a priest who took my virginity and continued molesting me for almost 5 years. I finally stopped the abuse once I met my husband at age 22 because he was the first person I ever truly felt safe with and loved by. I'm now an emotional wreck. I went to a friend's party, got drunk, went skinny dipping, and had oral sex with another guest there. I felt horrible and told my husband the next day. Its been 4 weeks since DD, and he wants practically nothing to do with me and is looking into moving out. I am filled with more self-loathing than I ever have been in my life. I know that my sexual abuse history created some boundary issues for me sexually, but I still went to that party and allowed my issues to cloud my judgment, and now I might have lost the best support system I have ever had because of a stupid, stupid choice I made. I hate feeling powerless to ease the pain I've created, and I hate feeling like I've allowed my abuse history to completely fuck up the best thing I've ever had going for me. I've engaged in some self-injurious behavior several times since DD and have called a crisis center twice because I've felt so isolated and humiliated by what I have done. I wouldn't say that I'm suicidal, but I have frequently thought about how much easier it would be if I were to just have some life-ending accident. I've had a drinking problem since my abuse, but I've adopted a "fuck it all" attitude with drinking and eating since DD. I guess I'm hoping that by sharing this, I can find another WS who has pulled through this incredibly awful time. I don't know if my marriage can be saved, but at this point, I feel like I don't even have the energy to focus on saving anyone but myself, if that makes any sense.

MissMouseMo posted 10/9/2014 07:14 AM

Mike, I am so very sorry for you pain and shame. I have only read this page and want to post but see that it is slow but I wanted to say I hear you. I hurt for Lola (I want to hold her and say, "No, sweetie, it is a huge thing," and help make it better), I am horrified by the pain Edith has had to endure, but I am not able to stay.

Know that you have been heard. Writing it here is a good beginning. While the path ahead is long and hard, you have begun the work.

MissMouseMo posted 10/9/2014 07:16 AM

As everyone is well aware, SI is incredible. But it is S*I* - does anyone know of someplace like it that is for surviving sexual trauma? (Oh, please someone say there is!)

Mike26 posted 10/9/2014 21:56 PM

Hi MissMouse. I don't know about sites for women, but I know there's a site for men called It has been an AMAZING support for me in the hellish 3 years since I've admitted that what happened to me was abuse.

caspers1wish posted 10/10/2014 12:22 PM


Check out Pandora's Aquarium.

You need to create an account to access the survivor support forums. It is a wonderful resource for survivors and their secondaries.

ETA: The site has several communities, for men, women, teens, and covers just about every area of sexual assault imaginable. There is so much support there, but it can be overwhelming as there is a lot of info to process.

[This message edited by caspers1wish at 12:33 PM, October 10th (Friday)]

Edith posted 10/10/2014 12:51 PM

Hello all.. MM, I found this, it may be what you are looking for.

Best wishes and healing to all.


MissMouseMo posted 10/11/2014 06:41 AM

Grateful thanks to you Mike, Casper, & Edith.
Scared, but grateful.

plainsong posted 10/19/2014 16:06 PM

Dear Edith,

I'm so sorry to hear about your being cut off from participation in your mother's life in this way by your siblings. You have been doing what you felt was your duty toward your mother. I agree that whatever duty you had is now over, and could have been over long ago. In my religious tradition (Judaism) the discussions I have heard and read state that the duty to honor your parents refers to seeing that they have food, shelter and clothing. Especially in the case of abusive parents, feelings are not required, nor is personal contact. It is entirely to your credit that you have wanted to give your mother whatever she was capable of taking in from contact with you, but you do not have to subject yourself to abuse to do so. And now she is even less able to receive that from you.

I can only imagine how terrible it would feel to let go of this last thread of possible positive contact with your family of origin (even though the positive aspect was your feelings towards your mother, rather than her feelings towards you). Despite all the grief and anger you have already felt, this may bring up even more grief and anger. Or maybe you will just start to feel peace from loving and supporting yourself and taking in the love and support of others who care about you. I hope you know you have that support, at least from those of us here.

Cherry Tomato posted 11/7/2014 10:27 AM

Wow, I am literally sitting here in tears reading all these posts. My heart is broken for all you those who have suffered so much from SA. I've been a member of SI since 2008. I am in the process (or was in the process) of R with my H. I'm a madhatter...and it is such a crappy situation. I have never talked through all my issues on SI so here goes...

I was SA by my brother when I was 5 years old & he was 12. Quite frankly, it didn't surface until all the A stuff was coming out & being dealt with. Oddly, I had the same reoccuring dream all my life about the same incident with my brother. I always thought it was very very strange, but I never really put any merit in the fact that it actually happened. Repress much?

It was a light bulb in IC, but even then (and now sometimes), I can't/wont' make it part of my reality. It couldn't have's not possible. I revealed it to my H years ago and then to my sister. Both believe it really happened, but I have not cut ties with my brother completely. I really truly believe in my heart he either has repressed it himself or would deny it to his grave. And my parents are both in their 80's & this revelation would probably kill them.

I know this is what broke me early on. It re-wired me into a person who trusts no one. I mean no one. Trust=giving up control Giving up control = becoming a victum. I seemed to have approached this differently in some respects. Subconsciously, I told myself never again would I be victumized so I had to control everything & everyone in my life. This is/was a major strain on my marriage. And it could be a defining moment in it's demise.

The irony is the one thing I lost total control of was myself. I had such low self-esteem that I did seek attention from an OM who was in no way someone I would have chosen in my right state of mind. And the more I think about that, I think it was because I felt control over him & the situation at least for a while. I told myself I was out of his league so I would maintain the upper hand.

Has anyone else felt like this? This whole dynamic is very disturbing & perplexing to me. It seems atypical to others who suffered SA.

[This message edited by Cherry Tomato at 10:29 AM, November 7th (Friday)]

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