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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part II

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Keepbreathing5 posted 8/23/2012 09:46 AM

I'm not sure what answers/advice I'm looking for but I thought it might help to share my story (sorry in advance that it's so long).

Both my WSO and I are sexual abuse survivors (his much worse than mine). I was molested once when I was 15 and he was beaten and raped repeatedly by his cousin for a year when he was about 8. Neither of our families handled this well. His cousin lived in the same house as him and his parents had started foster care "because that was the only way they could take in these cousins while his mother's sister was in jail" (cough bullshit cough). After he finally told his parents what was going on, they removed that boy from their house and asked WSO if he wanted them to stop taking in foster children (really a 9-year-old SAB survivor???). I was molested by a 50-year-old friend of the family. I told my parents the next morning and they promptly "forgot". They have "forgotten" countless times since then and the man is still in my life in a very real way. He has been to all significant life events and my parents were forcing me to include him on our wedding list.

Moving forward - D-Day was only a little over a month ago. He had a 4-5 month EA and a 1.5 month PA with a co-worker. I had gotten sick (for about a year) and he had closed off and stopped talking to me about his problems, talking to her instead.

After his EA started, all the sudden he had problems with our relationship [e.g., I didn't clean the house enough or cook enough. He had a problem with me not working out enough (btw as part of my illness I wasn't allowed to exercise for 10 months)]. After he had created these relationship problems and justified his f***ed up behavior - the PA started.

Once he was discovered, he claims that he immediately knew he was disgusted with himself and didn't want anything to do with her. He has been trying to be honest with me but lying is a big problem with him (always has been). He TT'd me four weeks after D-day and that has hurt me more than anything else. Piling lies on top of the injury is just inconceivable. But I find that I want to forgive him and I find that I can somewhat understand how this happened. We are both in IC and he recently received a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 on top of the CSA problems.

I have told my IC that part of me is actually glad that the A happened because it forced him to deal with his huge pile of issues (hate myself for that feeling). I also told IC that another part of me feels this isn't the biggest betrayal I've ever experienced (compared to the one from my parents) and that it might have desensitized me towards future betrayal. Now I'm trying to sort through my feelings that I might expect the people I love to hurt and betray me? I didn't think I felt this way before but I deal with the fact that my parents continue to and I am considering R with my WSO so is something wrong with me that I think this is normal?

momxgbg posted 8/23/2012 14:23 PM

I deal with the fact that my parents continue to and I am considering R with my WSO so is something wrong with me that I think this is normal?

Right here ^^^^ it took me years of IC and the "need" to absolutely protect my CHILDREN that I was able to finally set a boundry with my Mom and stepdad. To finally say "what you did/allowed/ignored to me was wrong, I will not tolerate that behavior anymore to me or my children"
Today...I don't speak to my parents...any of them (mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom) it was all their choice, not mine, when I set down the rules of no "physical" contact with my children.

As to you wanting to R with your WSO, no...absolutely nothing is wrong with you. You love this person, you understand them (most of the time

) and you can see, maybe, some of their why's for the A.

None of that means anything is wrong with you. But, just because you can see it, doesn't mean you are rolling over for them. It will take time and much work on your part to start to realize your worth and what you deserve.

I'm still working, very hard, each day and just found my new IC to continue this growth.

It's hard and you will have decisions that you absolutely DO NOT want to make, but each time you realize a little more of your worth and demand's gets a little better.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by momxgbg at 2:24 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

HurtYetHealing posted 8/25/2012 12:09 PM

Let me start by saying this is unbelievably hard for me to discuss.

Both WS and I are SAb survivors. I learned in August of lat year the extent of his abuse. I think in divulging that to me, the first time he's ever spoken about it, helped him go down the slippery slope. I listened and comforted him but I don't think I fully understood the scope of what he was telling me.

The ensuing months were filled with ridiculous yet horrible arguments.

He was in the A, full fog mode, and blamed me for it all.

I know now that his tale of abuse was much more than he led me to believe.

His mother molested him and introduced him to things at a very young age. Then his stepfather raped him for years. I don't know if his mother knew. I can't speak badly of her, he loves her dearly and since she passed away when he was 15, he'll never be able to confront her.

He admitted to me yesterday that he knows he needs help. So, we're going to get it for him. I am struggling with so many things lately, his A has taken a back seat to it all (never thought that would happen!).

He sees me as his mother, always wanting my approval, looking to me for direction/instruction. It's hard, after 17 years with this man, to see where I have screwed him up even more. I didn't know is my only excuse.

I'm struggling with wanting to leave him because it's just too much. But I love him and want him to be okay. I want him to be happy.

I hate seeing this grown man, knowing he's a scared little boy on the inside. He hides it so well!!

I hate his mother. I fucking loathe her. She did this to him, allowed her piece of shit husband to destroy him and now cannot even answer for what she's done!!!!

It feels good to get that out. He doesn't want to hear it. He loves her. But I can't stand her. I hope she's burning in hell.

My poor little boy, broken and consumed with feelings of unworthiness, of hate and disgust for himself.

And here I am, dealing with how his A triggers me about my own abuse, trying to fix him, myself, and our marriage.

I can't talk to anyone IRL because he'll flip out. He doesn't want anyone to know but he's willing and WANTS to do therapy.

It's a start right?

How is this my life?

0115 posted 8/27/2012 22:22 PM


I know the confusion you're going through. I am not a survivor of abuse but my fWH is. I had no idea until after I found out about his 12 year LTA/PA. I hate his brother and his father...I hate the whole messed up family and yet he wants to forgive them and move on. I go between hating him for what he did to me and then hating his brother for what he did to him and then realizing that hating is not getting me anywhere. I'm trying so hard to let it go and move on.

I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you. I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with. You're young...maybe if he can get therapy you can salvage a marriage and teach your beautiful children a better way of living and loving.


HurtYetHealing posted 8/30/2012 14:09 PM

Thank you 0115!!

I struggle with triggers and pain from his A, then jump to feeling so sad for him, anger at his mother and stepfather, then back again.

What happened to the fairy tale? What happened to my happily ever after?

I'm just so tired of it all. I can't fix him. It's not my job. But I so badly want to help him! Then resent him for not putting as much thought as I do into all of this.



0115 posted 8/30/2012 22:43 PM


I read your profile and one of my first thoughts is "you're going to make it". You are amazingly strong! You are so much farther along in such a short period of time and have so much to deal with.
My biggest advice is for both of you to get IC. We stayed in just IC for almost 12-18 months and didn't start MC until last month. He has a lot of work to do and although it seems like you have already done so much work on your own with your abuse, you need help dealing with the A. It's freaking hard. It's truly a mindf***. You feel so sorry that they went through what they did and yet why do YOU have to suffer because of it.

Truthfully, I didn't think we had much of a chance. About a month after we were married a switch flipped. He was abused by his older brother and always felt emasculated. He blamed these feelings on ME and became very controlling. He never told me about the abuse. All of this came out on Dday 01/15/11. The A's were reenactments of the trauma he suffered. It's hard sometimes for me to understand but it does make sense. He does take full responsibility but I have to keep his foo issues in perspective too.

I just want you to know that it's going to be hard. It's a long road and I'm not there yet but I'm really close.

I just see something in you and your story that tells me IF he can get a really good IC that he's going to put all the pieces together and you two are going to get your fairytale. You will be his WIFE, not his mother and he will treat you differently than ever before. If either of you need anything PM me or newbeg2011. Our prayers are with you both.

I have this hanging on my wall...

"It's never too late to live Happily Ever After.".

Some days I still smirk at it but here lately I'm beginning to believe it.

braddenlee5580 posted 9/7/2012 11:22 AM

[This message edited by braddenlee5580 at 11:23 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

vivere posted 9/9/2012 01:13 AM

Oh braddenlee5580, my heart is heavy for you, your wife and family. Hugs to you all. No one should ever have to deal with so much hurt. My words are really inadequate

Thank goodness you have enough insight and the desire to seek help (not everyone does). I hope, for you all, that your new therapist will be a catalyst to the road to healing.

Wishing you all the very best.

0115 posted 9/9/2012 11:16 AM


My counselor said that when the shell that you have covered up with breaks open, then you can start living an authentic life. The person you are supposed to be, the true person inside that shell. She said the shell can't be put back won't go back to that behavior once that happens. It's all forward from there. It sounds like you took a sledge hammer to that shell and now are ready to face a new life. Good luck to you and your wife. This is such a sad sad story...I'm pulling for you that you can make the ending a happy one.

Sending you hugs and strength

Lilypad posted 9/9/2012 21:41 PM

I am too a survivor, however, I have blocked alot of it out. My bad behaviour and drinking has been bad for the last 3 years.

Every since I did jury duty, my life has been in chaos. Guess it triggered me.

I have since quit drinking (50 days sober) and am no longer seeing MM.

Trying very hard to work on myself and get better and to be the person I use to be.

I wasn't always this way.

longroadahead22 posted 11/18/2012 06:51 AM

hi all,
I'm new to the thread, I'm even surprised that I'm posting on here. I am a WS in the early parts of R and early parts of trying to understand why I had the A's. Compared to the horrors that I read on this thread and I see at work due to being an ER nurse, my story seems almost laughable. But I know its not laughable cuz it did affect me and still does. I was molested by my brother's best friend when I was 6 and they were 6 years older. I was made into his make out partner, not horrible but still. I don't know if anything else ever happened, I don't remember much if any of my childhood. I was also physically and emotionally abused by my father and still continues. Still nothing hoorible no fists or bruises, but slamming my head up against metal doors, choking me, throwing me through doors, ect...Not the worst things ever, but I know when I say that I try and rationalize it. I never told anyone until about 1 month ago when I told my W and then our MC/ IC. Never thought about it for years until then. Never examined it and coped with it. But it is obvioulsy affecting me to this day. I think it may have played a role in my A but know idea as to how much. Not using it as an excuse by anymeans, that is my fault, my sin. But it might help me understand where my mentallity comes from. I lie like crazy to protect myself from pain, conflict avoidance stemming from avoiding my father, and have obsession with kissing (probably from the molestation). I compartmentalize everything painful, to the point where I have big massize holes in my memory for many years as a child. I guess what made me post is that i want help/ need to understand me and therefore my choices and how they affected my A so that I can move on in a healthy mannor to R. any books or threads or articles would be very helpful. Thank you all for listening. posting this information is definetly against my former character and is a big time streatch and reach, but I want change, I want understanding....

longroadahead22 posted 11/18/2012 06:51 AM

[This message edited by longroadahead22 at 6:54 AM, November 18th (Sunday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 11/18/2012 09:28 AM

Braddenlee - I read your story. I am so sorry... No child should ever have to be destroyed by someone else's filth... Nor to see a grown up, who was supposed to protect you, stand by and buy your silence with gifts.

You have been looking for your grandfather in every arcade...

I hope you are able to find a therapist who will help you process your past. Start over authentically. There is no more need to hide.

silverhopes posted 12/17/2012 23:42 PM

Thank God. I didn't know this thread was here before. I'm so sad to know that so many of us are struggling here, with this. I hope this will be our safe place...

Be back later.

Ascendant posted 3/3/2013 08:49 AM

I've been dealing with this all lately as WW was abused sexually by her cousin's grandfather when she was 4. She's never forgotten it, but also never dealt with it properly. Past BFs have noticed her repressed anger and thought she needed to seek counseling as well. In the time, she's also become an alcoholic. I don't want to get into the entire A story here, but sufficed to say that I'm sort of struggling on how to deal with both my feelings of anger/hurt due to the A, and her needing to do all the stuff associated with R, while I know she's also dealing with some crazy painful stuff of her own....any suggestions from someone who's been through it?

ladypersephone posted 3/5/2013 20:26 PM

I was groomed by a man with NPD who married into my family. He spent years grooming me. One night while I was on vacation with him and his family, he gave me drugs and raped me. I didn't tell anyone because I was worried that I would get in trouble for taking drugs. I was 16 years old. Because I kept my mouth shut, he continued to abuse me for 3 years even getting me pregnant and I had to have an abortion. He took my virginity. I held my secret in for 15 years and finally told my parents last month. I am 33 years old now and finally free from it. I am in weekly therapy making enormous changes.

But going to therapy didn't happen until after the A. I don't really like calling it an A, because it really wasn't consensual. Although I was 32 at the time, I was operating from the perspective of a young teen. I know that in some people's eyes that they think I should have had better boundaries. I think so too. But I didn't because of the boundaries that were broken down by CSA. The OM pushed me down on a bed and assaulted me. Instead of telling my husband what had happened to me, I kept my mouth shut. I let the OM tell me that he was sorry and even continued to see him. I feel so guilty for allowing that to happen. I even told him that I didn't want to have an affair. One night while I was out with friends and drunk he took his chance. I am so ashamed because I just gave in to him.I told my husband and he is so angry. We worked on it for a while, then he left in December. He filed for divorce in January and he is absolutely pissed at me.

It's been a horrible year. I am working through some very deep rooted abuse history and current issues that are linked in my past. The good news is that I've learned to say "no" to unwelcome advances. I am amazed how many men think its an opportunity to jump on a woman going through a divorce. I am working hard on loving myself and have even taken a vow of celibacy for the next year in order to really heal. I miss my husband though. I still really love him.

[This message edited by ladypersephone at 9:48 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Ascendant posted 3/6/2013 08:10 AM

The good news is that I've learned to say "no" to unwelcome advances.

That's been a bone of contention between my CSA WW and I for a long time. She would complain that someone was flirting with her, and I would tell her that she needed to let them know in no uncertain terms that it was not ok. Not laughing or giggling while you tell them "You asshole!!!", but a firm, clear, "Stop, I don't like what you're doing, so stop." She would always want me to take care of the situation (we work together)...and don't get me wrong, if she had told them to stop, and then it continued, I certainly would have said something. But if I just swing on through and say something without her making clear that she is uncomfortable with it, then I just look like a jealous husband who's being overprotective.

ladypersephone posted 3/6/2013 19:49 PM

Face punched,

She would complain that someone was flirting with her, and I would tell her that she needed to let them know in no uncertain terms that it was not ok. Not laughing or giggling while you tell them "You asshole!!!", but a firm, clear, "Stop, I don't like what you're doing, so stop."

This was so difficult for me to see, too. I didn't want to seem like I was being rude or something. It's so odd to me now. There were several times that men made advances to me and I just didn't know how to deal with it. I would let them even when it made me uncomfortable. Then this happened!! This man (AP) pushed me down on a bed after I told him no. I was so mortified and speechless that I went into freeze mode. It makes me sick to think about it now. I just didn't know how to say no and that was the grooming. I told my AP "no" but would still have coffee with him!! WTF!! I am still angry with myself about that.

It's been incredibly empowering to say no. I am amazed how many men jump at the chance when they find out I am in the process of D. It's so disgusting and I am not compromising myself anymore. Saying "no" has truly liberated me. I am firm and forward and embody the word "no" like I never did before.

PlainsGirl29 posted 3/6/2013 21:32 PM


your initial sexual contact with your AP is date rape. "no" means no, it doesn't matter what situation you were in, how drunk, how quietly you said it, I don't not know all the details of the extent of the relationship before the initial sexual contact occurred. Or what happened after. But what you are describing is date rape.

Please read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I am currently reading it and it is really good for those of us who have a hard time saying 'no' and helping build better boundaries.

Ascendant posted 3/7/2013 09:23 AM


I didn't want to seem like I was being rude or something.

This is something I've heard probably a 1000x, phrased 1000 different ways by various women I know. For some reason in our culture, it seems to appear that if women assert themselves about what they will/will not accept from men (behavior-wise), they're pegged as 'rude' or *gasp* a 'bitch'. I've heard female co-workers complain about the way a male coworker flirts with them or tries to get them to go out with them for drinks or something, and my response is, "Why not just tell them, "No, I'm not interested in hanging out with you", or "Do not talk to me like that.""? By and large, the answer is that they don't want to appear rude or a bitch. By being wishy-washy about conveying their actual feelings towards the guy, a LOT of guys will see the chinks in the armor and become MORE persistent, because unfortunately a lot of times, it works. I know women who can't stand certain men, but just get tired of fighting them off all the time and so eventually acquiesce to their request. It's so nuts to me.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:23 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]

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