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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
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Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
TooManyYears
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Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsbetrayed's excellent post on resources for those dealing with SA:

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.
~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:
"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

12 steps of S-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Here are some examples of the 12 steps translated to a secular versions:

Humanist 12 steps:

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop acting out sexually have failed.

2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.

3. We turn to our fellow man, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem.

4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to act out sexually.

5. We ask our friends to help us avoid those situations.

6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.

7. We honestly hope they will help.

8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.

10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.

11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.

12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.

The Atheist/Agnostic 12 Steps

1. We admitted that we were using sexual acting out in spite of better judgment, and that it was destroying many aspects of, if not all aspects of our lives and causing harm to ourselves and those around us.

2. Came to realize that we needed the support of others that could truly relate to us, what our acting out had done to us and those around us, and could help steer us back on track when our thinking and behavior got destructive. In short, that we can not find all of the answers alone.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life into the right direction, despite my desire to overindulge myself. I realized that I am much more fulfilled as a person when I am truly there to take care of myself and others; and that this is impossible when actively acting out.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. When appropriate, asked the opinions of others and were willing to take those opinions into consideration, whether they were what we wanted to hear or not.

6. Were entirely ready to make a plan of action to stop these behaviors that were harmful to us and others.

7. Let go of resentments, or at least became willing to try. Started to acknowledge that many of our resentments really came down to our defects, not those of others.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Made a genuine effort to maintain a positive attitude, practice patience and understanding of others, and remain honest with ourselves when tracing the root of our troubles. Continued to think for ourselves and not be easily led, but seriously considered the input of others.

12. Having a much stronger sense of self-worth and purpose as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other SAs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 1:09 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is an Addict,

I wanted to reply to your TMI post...BTDT. About 8 years ago, after a round of discoveries, I found myself looking at porn to try to figure out the appeal. I also thought maybe I could learn something from it, or maybe I could learn to like it. I looked a few times, but it held no appeal for me. I can't speak for you, but I was trying to normalize it, because then my life wasn't so bad.

As for other self-medicating behaviors, a few years ago, before our last d-day I was drinking a fifth of alcohol almost every few days and hiding the bottles. I was also working almost everyday. I was using work and alcohol to cope.

Our lives also become unmanageable when we live with an addict. It is slow. We start out with little discoveries and build up to the bigger ones. It is like being a frog in a pot of water that slowly starts boiling. We can't see it, but we change too when living with an addict.

Be gentle with yourself. No one here is judging you for your reactions; they are actually fairly normal! Continue self-care and reaching out to others. Hugs to you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you TMY. What you say makes perfect sense - I think I was trying to "normalize" it. To be honest, I've also been having thoughts of sleeping with other men so that I would feel better about him being intimate with other women. It is illogical and yet logical. Regardless, I know it is a bad idea. "Normalizing" porn or infidelity does not make it better. (And for whatever weird reason, I really have no desire to sleep with anyone but WS...)

On a side note, I am so glad to have a new thread

I missed you all!!!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I understand the idea also of wanting to sleep with someone else. I felt so sexually and emotionally deprived that I entertained serious thoughts of having an affair. This was during the period where I was drinking heavily as well. The sad part is that before my H was in recovery, he probably would not have cared at all if I would have had an affair. I think it would have brought me closer to his level, in his eyes. I am very thankful that I did not do that. Not that I have some moral superiority to him, but because I would not have wanted to brought that shame to myself. I tend to internalize shame to a very unhealthy level, and it would have just added to my shame burden.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, I wanted to say thanks for your comment on the last thread, too. I didn't have a chance to respond before because it was full. I especially enjoyed the sailor comment, haha. It literally made me LOL.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Frustrated  Posted: 9:34 PM, February 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey y'all.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Super frustrated, girls.... Do you guys believe in recovery... I have a lot of people telling me that I just need to forget about him. My SA didn't come out until after a trauma event, with the exception of porn. The affairs and all that didn't start until after the event (a near crash over Iraq) and before that he was almost as normal as you can be. I am soooo lost today... just feeling that there is no hope, although logically, I know there is- because of people in my S-Anon group. Just trying to get it... He seems as if he is coming to SOME realizations... and he told me the truth about some things for the first time in two years.... so I listened... and then the 180, then the forget him.... ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH!!!! Having a crappy day.... Help- please....


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pink carnation,

The following is just my opinion. I am NOT a professional, just the spouse of a SA. I have been dealing with SA for a long time in my marriage, and my H has been active in recovery for over 2 years. I am active in S-Anon and have heard the stories of many ladies there as well.

Yes, I do believe in recovery, but with a caveat....I think that very few SA's really enter recovery. There has to be a rock bottom moment in the SA's life to prompt recovery, and it has to be because they want to be free of the addiction, not to save a relationship. I think that is where the problem lies. When the addict enters treatment or starts a program to appease a partner, it is doomed for failure because as an addict, as soon as they become disappointed or angry, they will act out again. My H first verbalized his sexual addiction in a suicide letter over 10 years before he sought recovery. In that time frame he did see a few IC's and white-knuckled at times, but never really sought recovery until he hit his rock bottom. I would say that in my S-anon group there are some ladies who are divorced, some are separated, and some are in limbo. There are some that do have H's active in recovery, but they are not the majority. We work our program for us. In my H's 12 step group, he would say that there are many who start coming and don't last because they aren't ready for it. In his CSAT led therapy group, it is different. Most are in active recovery. Some are divorced or even single and some in relationships/married.

I will say that I don't really believe that an "event" triggers SA. SA is primarily rooted in FOO with many SA's having been sexually abused as children. I am not a professional, so I know nothing about combat, traumatic brain injury, or ptsd among veterans and its possible effects. Whenever someone says that their SA "just" started acting out I am a bit sceptical. I think true SA's are master manipulators and liars and have likely been acting out for far longer than the spouse is aware of.

I think coming to "some realizations" is not enough to base any hope on at this juncture. First of all, he needs to be evaluated by a CSAT and the appropriate professionals. Even then, he may not have hit his rock bottom (operating under the assumption that he is a SA and his behaviors are not related to traumatic brain injury or ptsd...he has a very complicated case). Continue to focus on you and your kids and self-care. Recovery is possible, but make plans to keep yourself safe and to move on in your life if he does not choose recovery. We cannot control the actions of our spouses, only our own.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you TMY... he was evaluated by a CSAT... and knows he has a problem... And the SA was there in the form of porn, and quite a bit of it... for some reason, I just "accepted" it... The affairs is a new dimension... The therapists I have been working with said that the event just kinda snapped him into that dimension.... But, that it probably would have shown up any way, just not so suddenly or in this timeframe... But, he did start going to SA before he deployed and then when it got too close to home, he acted out again.

Thanks again for your insight... as my S-Anon group says fake it til you make it... that is my operating principle right now...


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a long talk with my IC this morning, Pink. One of the many things we discussed may also be applicable for you right now, too. And that is, my WH is being really nice to me right now. Nice, sweet, meek, kind, wanting to please me, asking me what I want him to do to get better... And the co-dep in me wants to just take him back in my arms & go forward, believing that THIS time will be different, things will be better THIS time.

My IC reminded me that this is part of the abuse cycle. Right now we're in the "honeymoon" stage of it where the abuser is nice to his target. WH knows he's done wrong, knows I found those pictures (he has to know), knows I've been acting strangely and having mysterious appointments. So he's being very nice in order to keep me here & under control.

Pink, perhaps your WH is also into his abuse cycle of you? Since you're changing your pattern of acceptance & rugsweeping, he's changing his pattern, too, so that he can keep you controlled.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
pink carnation
♀ Member
Member # 34310
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, one thing that helped is that my therapist on Base explained to me the process they are going to use, so I think they will have him after he gets home. I do recognize the cycle... but, he didn't call last night, which was sort of a relief... I don't say anything to him, he is being pitiful... that is his M.O. not really nice, but pitiful... depressed and pathetic... But, I do see that for what it is.... The part that was weird to me was the truth, and knowing I can use it against him... He didn't even have to tell me that, I couldn't have known it... just strange. THey have had me listen for signs of dispondency... I totally get what you are saying... This is all abuse, that is for sure.


You are in God's hands now, Dahlin'!

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: GA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, thought I would jump into this thread.

This past september I realized that my husband is a SA.

It *could* be that he's bipolar (waiting on test results) and a symptom of it is hypersexuality, but not sure if that's the cause or not.

He was able to hide the true addictive nature from me for years, and he's still in denial at this point.

I found out that he was lookng at porn daily, either after I was in bed at night or before work in the morning. Sometimes even on his phone at work. I ended u putting parental filters on the computer and his phone. Sad that *I* had to do that. Even during times that we were having sex daily.

We've discussed this in therapy and he does not think he has an addiction, even though he can (and has) masturbated 2-4 times a day at times. He has always vritually chased me around pratically. I couldn't escape the sex talk, groping, constant badgering.

The only thing that has stopped him is being on zoloft, which he started in December. This has made his drive lessen a bit. He has not, to my knowledge (and I do check) watched porn since the last time I caught him in October looking on our kids computer at 1am one night after work. I gave him a chance to try and "quit" on his own, after that I put the filters on.

At this point, he has refused any therapy for the SA, only for our marriage. Again, he doesn't think he has a SA, and that he can control his desires. He says he doesn't miss the porn, but i have a very very hard time believing this, considering he looked daily prior to me finding out.

So I'm at a loss in this area as to what to do.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature - Are you following through with D? Did H get served with papers today? I've been thinking of you so much!!!

TMY - Lots of questions! Ignore any that are too personal: 1) Any regrets on staying with H? 2) Did you notice a real "difference" in H once he was truly committed to recovery? 3) Does he still go to groups on a weekly basis? 4) Has your sex life returned to "normal" and/or improved compared to when he was actively in addiction? 5) Has he had any slips / relapses? 6) Does your everyday life still "revolve" around H's SA?

Samantha - Welcome. Everyone's story is so different and yet so similar. Seems like there are no easy answers - although maybe bipolar test will offer some insight into your particular situation. I want to give you one head's up: if your H is truly an SA, then he will find a way to access porn / act out no matter what safe guards you put up. I put up safe guards at home, and WS took his addiction to work (ultimately resulting in the loss of his job). When I went away for the weekend, I took the internet router and his phone with me. WS bought track phone and new router. No matter how "smart" you are, if it is truly an addiction, he will find a way around it. Not to make you paranoid, but I thought I would give you that heads up. Therapy is the place to be, preferably including an evaluation by a CSAT - SAs are master manipulators of every other kind of therapist. My WS lied to a "regular therapist" for years without blinking an eye...

Wow, just writing all this out is a very scary reminder to me...

Wishing you the best.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. He's already shown that he's willing to find a way. Thankfully at his job, he doesn't not have internet access, except on his phone. He's a restaurnat manager and their computer doesn't have internet access on it. I found out he was looking on his phone by checking his usage during work hours. And I found out he was looking on his phone at home, because he was hiding it, and not looking on his computer, because I told him he could no longer erase his history. Then when I nixed the phone usage (filters) he started using the kids computer, which, of course, I caught.

So, I'm definitely aware of the fact that if he wants to look, he will find a way, he's proven that over and over again.

Like I said, the only thing, right now, thats somewhat keeping his hyspersexual drive in check is the zoloft. It's actually given some sexual issues. (Of course, he's checked, both alone and with me.) But it's definitely given him a bit of a lesser drive. (I needed a break from the constant barrage).

But he DEFINITELY needs much more help than he will admit.

He WAS honest in talking to the psychologist when he had the intake for his bipolar assessment, but he still denied that it was an addiction. But he did say how often he masturbates, how he often he was looking at porn, and of course I gave *my* input and said *I* thought he had an addiction.

He has an addictive personality in general, he's addicted to online gaming (world of warcraft), the porn, gaming in general, etc. I'm shocked he's not an alcoholic to be honest.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your profile story, Samantha, and noticed the segment on PTSD and 9/11. You and Pink have this in common (Pink, correct me if I'm wrong) - that the SA or SA-like behaviors began after other serious trauma?

This is very interesting. I don't think any of the current literature really investigates this much. As TMY posted earlier, most current research links SA to early FOO issues. (And even though I denied this at first, my WS is quickly becoming a textbook case in that respect.) I wonder if this means treatment and response to treatment will be different than "standard" SAs?

One other difference in my particular case - my WS was never hypersexual with me. I practically had to beg him for sex, and he constantly turned me down. (Although when we did have sex, he was very happy and enjoyed it quite a bit.) I later found out it was because he was masturbating 2-3 times a day, in addition to having intimacy issues.

Anyway, just a difference of note.

Pink - was your H hypersexual with you?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't say for sure if he wa hypersexual or had any porn addiction issues prior to 9/11 because we met and married within 5 months and then 9/11 happened 10 days before our 1 year anniversary. I mean, he was IN to sex yes, but he was also young, as was I so we were both into sex you know?

But from what he's told me, he's been hypersexual for many years, but I should ask him if it was prior to 9/11 or not.

After 9/11 he had another traumatic issue 5 years ago, due to a health issue with me. And since then I've had hronic health issues. But the traumatic issue happened when I had to have emergency surgery when pregnant with my youngest and the Dr. told him we were both at risk of dying, and he just shut down as a protective mechanism. That triggered a huge change in him and he went from a loving involved husband to a completely detached husband.

So PTSD is huge with him and he goes into protective mode. He's just now realizing this, though I've told him over and over again.

He has had zero connection to me over the past 5 years until just recently when we really started getting deep into therapy. And ZERO attachment to our kids.

In fact he told me a few months ago, that he knew they were his kids, he knows he's supposed to love them, he'd protect them, but he doesn't feel anything for them. He doesn't know how to bond with them at all.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what, scratch that. I thinnk he's always been this way, but I will still ask.

When he was in the Navy he was in Italy for 3 years (before I met him) and EVERY single sexual experience he had over there was with a prositute. The first time, his shipmates paid (are't
they nice) because they said he was stressed. After that he was fine doing it on his own. So every country they went to, they all would go visit the local brothel and hook up for a few hours with the latest and greatest.

So I think in part, he has a very skewed view of sex in general.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STILL NO PAPERWORK FILED!!!!!!!!!!

I sign something on Thursday. Maybe paperwork Friday????????

You guys, I found those disgusting pictures on Saturday the 21st of January. That's 2.5 weeks ago. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SHIT TO TAKE THIS LONG??????????? I know how, of course. I agonized for a few days. Then I turned to that whackadoo men's group leader for his help, but of course he didn't help me. Then I agonized a few more days. Then I went to a lawyer. And now I agonize for more days while the paperwork gets done.

The stress of waiting is tearing me apart. I am not by nature a deceptive person. I hate secrets. My life has been destroyed since infancy by secrets. I hate secrets.

I don't know WTF is going on anymore. My mind is mush, my nerves are shot. I'm surprised I can still teach my kids.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

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