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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WS! Does your WH get out tomorrow? And if so, where is he staying?

Thinking of all of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The children & I are safely away. I do not know how WH reacted when he got home. I have to assume he got the clue (all his stuff in bags on the front steps) and was also served. Right now I am just praying that he will reach out to the men in his life who can support him at this time.

For those of you who may one day be in my shoes, telling your children is not an easy thing to do.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Nature Girl))))

Love and prayers to you and your dear children....


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NatureGirl))))

Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did you end up telling them?

Glad you are safe!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS went home to parents house today. He seems happy and well. I, on the other hand, am triggering like crazy. I feel like he has just been released from prison, and now I am unsafe because he can hurt me at any moment. (FYI, this is all irrational...WS has never been violent with me. I think it is my amygdala overreacting again.)

Anyway, I just keep having mind movies...and the paranoia is back. Hoping it is just stress reaction and will subside soon.

On a more positive note, I got my car back today. Had to have the entire engine replaced, but at least now it is fixed. The car mechanic also included 2 CDs that he had recorded of himself playing the mandolin and singing folk songs. It was really cute, kind of odd, but it made my day.

2nd graduate school interview coming up this Friday...

Lately I feel like I've been on the road more than I've been home...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, on the other hand, am triggering like crazy. I feel like he has just been released from prison, and now I am unsafe because he can hurt me at any moment. (FYI, this is all irrational...WS has never been violent with me. I think it is my amygdala overreacting again.)
Anyway, I just keep having mind movies...and the paranoia is back.

WS, this happened to me after the big D-Day in Sept. I *think* it has something to do with the physical distance between H and I. He left this house - when he came back, it was like I didn't know him after 15+ years of marriage. I felt (and still feel) panic, fear, agitation, and repulsion. I am scared of him, and he has never done anything violent or anything like that. But I am scared, physically.

I am going to talk to the CSAT and IC about it - I feel like it has something to do with the addict leaving, and then my brain was able to absorb the real danger he brought to this house by his acting out. I wish I could understand and explain this better. I'm sure that if your H is committed to his recovery, you will begin to feel safer in time.

BTW, my H had the nerve to write me an email last night, asking to take our children (5 and 7) away overnight to a hotel in a nearby city - to "give me a well-deserved break." First of all, he has abandoned me after 15 years of marriage and lives with OW/SA. He hasn't done a thing to help me out in the last five months when I've been a single mom. Yet he suddenly wants to give me a break. As NG would say, my answer is "HELL NO." No, I am not going to allow my precious, so-far unscathed babies to drive to another city and spend the night with him.

I can see that the next 15 years are going to be very difficult.

Anyhow, NG and Ghost and everyone - I'm thinking of you today.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ I understand how you feel. I think, as long as your WH was at Keystone, you felt safe in the sense that he couldn't act out -- and trample your heart again. You are now going into self-protection mode again. Good luck on your interview Friday!

Hope ~ "Oh hell to the no" to your WH's request for an overnight with your kids. Is he seriously delusional? Stand strong, hon.

I am starting Day Three with my WH out of the house. I am triggering like crazy also because now he is "out there" and may act out. I have to detach from him. I have to for sanity's sake. But it is so hard and so very painful.

Love and prayers...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I posted here. Thinking of all that you are going thru and hoping you are staying true to yourself.

I left the house about 2 months ago. He's locked me out, tried to prevent me from seeing my kids, but today on Valentines Day he sent a message saying happy valetines day and shoveled the snow in front of my place when picking up my daughter.

What a manipulater. Over the holidays he even asked me for a hug! The lies and cycle continues.

I am at peace at my place and the kids are spending time with him. Just waiting to divorce. We are safe.

Its terrible because he still lies and says he did not do anything wrong, he didn't go against his vows.....breaks my heart.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 7:03 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn ~ I am glad you are finding peace on your own. It is what I need to hear right now.

My idiot SAWH's grand gesture today was an email saying he loved me. Yeah. Whatever. I guess sleeping in his office isn't much fun. Yes, they are manipulators. It's important we not fall for it.

Hugs to you, hon...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids & I had a great day today at a local museum. Spent almost the whole day there, the place was nearly empty so we had the run of the place & the docents to ourselves.

The last word I heard was that WH *did* get in contact with one of the men from church (YAY!), but he claimed he had no idea what was happening or why (BOO!). It's stuff like that which had made me doubt my sanity when I know things have happened, but he makes out like nothing happened.

Oh well.

He also made it seem to the church man that he needed to get into the house to get his stuff. I guess he didn't tell the part where I left a dozen garbage bags full of everything on the front steps.

You know what I hate? I hate that addicts lie, and that they portray such a twisted reality to keep other people from knowing the truth.

Interestingly, I haven't cried at all today. I had a few moments when I felt down, but I haven't even been sad. I assume at some point I'm going to be hit with a tidal wave?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, we cross posted. I am so glad you had a great day with your kids -- and didn't cry. Good for you!

Sending continued prayers that your SAWH agrees to get the help he needs. Stay strong, hon. You're doing great! We're here for you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost--thanks! I no longer have knots in my stomach. I am not walking on egg shells. I am focused on me and my kids instead of wondering who he kissed and if he was on porn.

My place is sooooo mine. I have more time with my kids because he is not around sucking the life out of me trying to control me.

Yes, it is good.

Nature_Girl-- hugs to you. My SAWH is a church leader. He told everyone I am crazy, I need help. He keeps the lies going and my daughter said sometimes he wears his wedding ring! To keep up the facade of course.

It does get better, you do move on with your life. I really got a lot of myself back now that he isn't around. You will too!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point I have to call him or something, right? I have to let the kids talk to him. Ugh.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG - my STBX told his best friend that I "yelled at him all the time." He didn't mention that he was a SA or that he was living with OW.

Did the L give you advice about contact with the children? I can only tell you that mine told me that my children should be able to call him every night, and that he should have some sort of regular access to them - a schedule of visits, even if they needed to be supervised or in public places.

I recall the therapists making a big deal about them being able to see him a lot right at the beginning so that they wouldn't think he was disappearing from their lives, etc. As it turned out, he didn't ask to see them for several weeks.

In my situation, H was very unpredictable and volatile at the beginning - crying and kicking up a fuss and upsetting the children. I will never forgive him for it. I wish I could have figured out a way to control it because I'm sure it's done some hidden, long-term damage to my children.

(((HUGS))) You're a pretty amazing mom.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is ONE day out of Keystone and he is already LYING to me...

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

So we're on the phone (his parents' landline) when I hear his cell phone ring in the background. WTF! I say, why do you have your cell phone - wasn't that part of the boundary agreement, that you wouldn't have access to your cell phone until you switched it out for a non-texting plan and a new #???

And WS says...

"I know, but [name of his individual counselor at keystone] 'safe-guarded' it for me before I left. She deleted all the text messages, pictures and female contacts from the phone, so now it's safe."

BUUUUUUUULLLLLLL SHIT!

Fortunately, I am getting a little smarter through all this process. I call him out on this lie, and I don't back off. He starts crying, and I don't back off. He denies, and I don't back off.

Finally, he admits the truth...or at least part of the truth. He admits that he lied about IC "safe-guarding" the phone. Says he really had it because he was using it to call SA meetings in area...don't know if that's true or not. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, I suppose, because I can't prove it one way or another. Although, hello, why not use the land line? [Fishy smell...]

UGH! He's ONE day out of Keystone, and we're already back into this shit again?!? For real?!?

I asked WS why he lied, and he said, "I don't know. I'm just so used to lying to you - it just happens without me even thinking about it. I guess it's a habit I need to break."

I know he's stressed being back in the "real" world, but good Lord...he can't even go a day without lying???

And why is he surrounding himself with ticking time bombs (ie the phone)? Does he want to fail? (Or has he already relapsed?)

[Exasperation!]

I may email his therapist at Keystone and see what she says...

Did we just blow thousands of dollars on nothing?!?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 9:41 PM, February 14th (Tuesday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that insight, CH, about your WH upsetting the kids. I'll prep them before they talk to him, because he already excels at upsetting them & making them cry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you Nature Girl. Stick to your guns and don't let him confuse you. Addicts lie and manipulate. Even ones that go into recovery.

We can't stop their lying, but we can stop believing their lies. NO MORE LIES!!!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. NO MORE LIES! I'm so sick of lies. I'm so sick of not even knowing what the reality of my own life is. I still don't know. I never will know.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Content  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went looking for these. They were posted by 7yrsbetrayed; I found them on S/PoSA #5, p. 29.

I hope this helps those members who struggle with some components of 12 step behaviors.

~ Sabina

Here are some examples of the 12 steps translated to a secular versions:

Humanist 12 steps:

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop acting out sexually have failed.

2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.

3. We turn to our fellow man, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem.

4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to act out sexually.

5. We ask our friends to help us avoid those situations.

6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.

7. We honestly hope they will help.

8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.

10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.

11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.

12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.

The Atheist/Agnostic 12 Steps

1. We admitted that we were using sexual acting out in spite of better judgment, and that it was destroying many aspects of, if not all aspects of our lives and causing harm to ourselves and those around us.

2. Came to realize that we needed the support of others that could truly relate to us, what our acting out had done to us and those around us, and could help steer us back on track when our thinking and behavior got destructive. In short, that we can not find all of the answers alone.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life into the right direction, despite my desire to overindulge myself. I realized that I am much more fulfilled as a person when I am truly there to take care of myself and others; and that this is impossible when actively acting out.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. When appropriate, asked the opinions of others and were willing to take those opinions into consideration, whether they were what we wanted to hear or not.

6. Were entirely ready to make a plan of action to stop these behaviors that were harmful to us and others.

7. Let go of resentments, or at least became willing to try. Started to acknowledge that many of our resentments really came down to our defects, not those of others.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Made a genuine effort to maintain a positive attitude, practice patience and understanding of others, and remain honest with ourselves when tracing the root of our troubles. Continued to think for ourselves and not be easily led, but seriously considered the input of others.

12. Having a much stronger sense of self-worth and purpose as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other SAs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


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