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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sabina. I will forward these to WS.

Skipping work today. Yesterday a loaded handgun was found at school along with some half empty beer bottles - don't know who it belongs to or what the intent of bringing it to school was...one can only imagine. Anyway, I'm already stressed and triggering. Just couldn't deal with anything more.

Just read "A House Interrupted" which was written by an SA wife whose husband had been in successful recovery for a decade or so. I thought it would be inspirational to me.

Well, it wasn't.

I found that she blamed herself through the whole thing, continually castigating herself for feeling angry and hurt.

And their "successful" recovery sounded like absolute hell on earth to me.

At the end, she was grateful for "her" own recovery, which basically amounted to her being so detached from her husband that his betrayal didn't hurt her anymore.

That doesn't sound like a marriage to me - commitment maybe, but not a marriage.

I don't know. WS has been out of recovery 3 days, and he has lied to me 3 times. He also didn't go to a support meeting yesterday. If he doesn't get his act together...I may not wait the full year to file for divorce.

I REFUSE to go back to the way things were...lies, hiding, covering up, failed self-reliance on his part, etc.

You would think he would have been all gung ho about this stuff coming right out of Keystone...

Anyway, I asked him what he needed from me. He said, "I need you to not expect me to fail."

I said, "On the contrary, I had really high expectations for you...I expected you to go to meetings, to put all these safe-guards in place, to be honest...and now, I would say my expectations are neutral. I neither expect you to get better nor to fail. I am simply an increasingly detached observer."

Nature girl, you are doing the right thing. I wish I were as brave as you. Stay strong.

I haaaaaaaate this...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, I'm so sorry about your WH. I'd like to poke him in the eye. And please don't get pregnant with him right now. You do not want to be brave like me with three children in tow.

On the other hand, I didn't have the courage do leave WH when we didn't have kids. I kept thinkinng I could love him out of his problem, or outscrew the porn chicks, or out BJ them. NOT!

And even after the children came along I still hung in there. For their sake, of course. NOT.

Truth is, I've been hanging in there all this time because I've been too dysfunctional & cowardly. This is how the women in my family have reacted generation after generation. It was not until I saw the horrible porn last year, and the love letters to the convict, and then the porn this year in the truck, and realized that WH was risking exposing our children to THAT kind of life, that I finally found the courage & intestinal fortitude to GTHO. When I realized that he had escalated his SA to seeking gratification from TEEN porn, then I realized my girls were in danger. From their own father.

Yesterday was a day for me to just breathe deep & be with my kids. Today I gotta do stuff like call my lawyer & church friends. Bleh.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:35 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl,

I am so proud of you! You are doing this. When my H and I were separated those 3 months, I remember the first few weeks felt like a nightmare. I barely slept and was lucky to have vacation time at work. Then I started to feel stronger, little by little. You will, too. It won't be easy, but you are doing the strong thing, the thing that most of us in hindsight wish we could have before this adversely affected our children.

WS you had asked a few pages back about having children with a SA, even one in recovery. I am very jaded, but my answer is that there is no way that I would, knowing what I know now. My children WERE exposed to things they shouldn't have been. Like others (Ghostwalker and SK) there have been problems with my children. Our oldest was on suicide watch several times that first 1.5 years after the last d-day. There were self-harm behaviors involved as well. Our youngest displays signs of an eating disorder now. Neither date or have any desire to.

I love my kids so much, and they really were the innocent victims in all of this. That makes me so sad. I think the reason that I say no is because there are NO guarantees with recovery. While my H is doing great, he could abandon recovery 5 years from now and totally relapse. I don't expect that (I am cautiously optimistic), but it is the reality of living with an addict.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,

I also wanted to say that I am sorry that your SA isn't exhibiting more hopeful signs of recovery right now. Addiction is tough. Most addicts do not beat it. I am not saying that your WH won't enter into a true recovery and work on it, but it may take years. Just having the realization that they are SA's is not enough. I know I have said this many times, but my H verbalized it 10 years before he entered into recovery. He had the knowledge, but knowledge isn't enough. Even residential treatment isn't enough if the addict isn't committed to recovery for THEMSELVES, not to save a relationship. There has to be that rock bottom.

Maybe your WH will still enter into recovery. At this point, I would remain neutral and work on your recovery. I have never read "A House Interrupted", so I cannot comment on it. But I can tell you that I DO NOT blame myself for my H's SA. He was an SA long before I ever met him. I do accept blame for the hurts that I have caused my children in the co-dependent dance I did for ages with my H. Recovery can be hell. I know the first year of my H's recovery I dragged my feet and blamed him for all my problems. When I started to realize that I had my own FOO issues to work on and that I could work on things for myself, my life really started to change. Detachment is necessary when your spouse is not in recovery. I think that eventually spouses have to work on intimacy when they are both committed to recovery. I don't just mean the sexual variety, but true emotional intimacy. That is the part of my relationship with my H that has grown by leaps and bounds in the last year. I think the fact that we are both engaging in recovery has made up open to intimacy.

I hope you are in IC with a CSAT or someone who really understands what SA is about and the trauma you are experiencing. I really strongly encourage you to check out S-Anon, too. There is power in being with others who understand.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

Nice to "see" you. The 12 steps/humanist/atheist versions should probably all be posted at the front of the thread with the resources. That would make them easy to find.

I really believe that anyone can work the steps. I know religion is a barrier, and I have religious issues myself, but I think the 12 steps are universally beneficial once we quit trying to manage things on our own.

Check in more often! Hope all is well with you

ETA: I put them into the 1st post

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 1:10 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like everyone is getting on my case for getting on his case...

Him, Keystone therapist, MIL...

I'm sorry, I was under the impression that we were going to try and make a go of this marriage...and that means I have an invested stake in his recovery, ie if he's not going to do it, I am outta here!

Lying about a phone would be no big deal in a normal relationship...but we're talking about a MAJOR tool of his acting out. AND he skipped a meeting. AND he lied when confronted. AND he was upset, angry and defensive.

Fuck this codependency bullshit. I am not trying to control him. He can do whatever the hell he wants - it's his life. BUT I have the right to know what he's doing, so I can decide what I want! I have the right to not be misled, tricked, lied to, manipulated, etc.

If he is not being honest, proactive, open, then I have a right to be aware of that. That is not codependent. That is looking out for my own best interests. I do not want to be married to a liar.

Am I wrong?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my H and I were separated those 3 months, I remember the first few weeks felt like a nightmare. I barely slept and was lucky to have vacation time at work. Then I started to feel stronger, little by little

NG - I'm officially five months from D-Day today and when H left our home. And this so accurately describes the way I feel. I sent you a PM, but I wanted you to know that it gets easier. I feel so good some days now - and I didn't think it would ever be possible to feel this good again.

My future isn't very well-defined, but I am surviving. And more than that, my kiddies are doing great. So far, they seem unscathed. (This is only because they are so young.)

Which leads me to the baby question. My first D-Day occurred when I was several months pregnant with twins. I had spent nearly five years trying to get pregnant. I opened my work email one day to find a note from a strange woman claiming to be pg with my husband's child. A week later, I discovered that I had miscarried one of the twins.

I didn't leave my H because I was pregnant. And I got pregnant again soon afterwards. So I didn't leave him after the second and third D-Days.

I regret not leaving him immediately, the first time. You can never trust an addict, and it's very difficult to predict whether or not he will relapse. I think it's a risk that many spouse are willing to take because they love the addict so much. But bringing children into the situation is so risky. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't done it.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSisA, I'm thinking exactly the same things you're thinking. You have every right to expect honesty, and you have every right to demand full knowledge of your reality if your WH is going to be included in it. You have every right to be fully informed about YOUR life. You need to not be your WH's keeper, you need not to be his parole officer, so to speak.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing Hope,

I agree wholeheartedly
But bringing children into the situation is so risky. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't done it.

I am glad to hear that you are feeling stronger

WS,

I think that his therapist and your MIL are going to protect him. I think that you are right to be concerned. I really think you need to distance yourself and work on your own recovery. Maybe that means less checking in with him. I think the hardest part about addiction is that we have NO control. I know that part is frustrating to me, as I have always been a person that wanted control. I think it stems from my FOO issues. I have been learning to let go of the things that are not in my control and I am much happier for it.

If an addict wants to act out, they will. Even without a phone they will scan and masturbate. They can attend meetings everyday and not work the steps. His recovery cannot be motivated by a desire to stay in the marriage. If it is, it is doomed to failure because as soon as he gets mad at you, he will act out.

At this point, detach. Give him a set amount of time and wait to see the outcome. Don't call. Don't check on him. Work on YOU. That is just my 2 cents. You do have rights to make decisions. You have the right to wait a year and see the results. You have the right to wait several years. You have the right to divorce him, too. This is all very individual and on YOUR timetable. You need to do what is best for YOU.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS just called...

He stopped at the Sprint store and found a downgraded phone, of which he sent me the model name so I can pre-approve before he signs up for the plan. He also went to the gym, called the nearest CSAT to his present location to schedule an appointment, and called the lawyer to check in on some of the legal issues he is facing...tonight he will also be attending an SA meeting.

[Breath of fresh air.]

Now this is what responsible recovery is supposed to look like...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to post that I have been thinking of you ladies. (((hugs))) You are all so strong during this very difficult time.

As for having kids. According to him he did not start acting out until #3 was born, who he thought would be our last child. I don't know if I believe him, I think the *escalating* began then and he had been acting out in other ways for years. At any rate, one of the first things I did when all this went down is that I knew I would not have any more children with him. I even went so far as to tell him he had to get a vasectomy, something we had talked about before this all happened but never really went through with it. Even though our kids have not been exposed directly to any evidence of his acting out, they are greatly affected by the family dynamics and what has happened. I cannot imagine adding a baby into that chaos. It would be selfish for me to do so, when I have three already.

That's not to say you have to give up having kids to wait and see what happens. People have kids later all the time these days, and you can adopt at any time of life. You do not have to give up having kids because of this. I just would not have any right now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all! Wow, this board has been active. I am so proud of every one of you. As most of you know, I kicked SAWH out of the house on Sunday night. Except for a brief email he sent on Valentine's Day saying he loved me , I have not heard from him.

I have not phoned him, emailed him -- and I have no idea where he's staying. He has not come home to pick up any more clothes, or even the mail. Trying hard to detach.

I do trigger daily imagining he is acting out, but that is HIS choice. I am trying to take care of myself now and I am trying not to worry about him. I can't say it isn't hard. But practice makes perfect, right?

Thinking of all of you and wishing you peace...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GHOST)))))

Thinking of you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck this codependency bullshit. I am not trying to control him. He can do whatever the hell he wants - it's his life. BUT I have the right to know what he's doing, so I can decide what I want! I have the right to not be misled, tricked, lied to, manipulated, etc.

If he is not being honest, proactive, open, then I have a right to be aware of that. That is not codependent. That is looking out for my own best interests. I do not want to be married to a liar.

YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I completely agree. And I totally understand how you are feeling WS.

Huge hugs your way. Dont let them disillusion you.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH just called me! He has rented an apartment that he cannot afford that is unfurnished. So, now even though we cannot pay our current bills, there is a new expenditure. He repeated over and over how much he loved me -- and how I forced him out! How I left him no other choice! Poor baby!

Whatever. I told him that if this is was love is, to count me out! He was so sad (boo hoo), that he had to hang up.

So we are officially separated! Woo hoo! Help me sisters. Tell me this is a good thing...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my poor peeps. Truly wish the world was a smaller place. Or I was rich. I'd fly you all to my secret hideaway in the mountains/near the ocean along with your kids and we could all bond and be pampered and forget about how screwed up these men are.

I think detaching is the ONLY way to survive. I know the time I kicked my WS out, although he was stopping by every day, I made sure I had plans for each day. I went alone to a winery for music, went to a refuge to take pictures, went to a bookstore to read and relax. He was very surprised that I had taken those steps toward independence. It didn't stop his acting out, but it started him realizing that I was serious about not putting up with this crap in my life.

WS-plan YOUR life. If he relapses, you'll know soon enough. He won't be able to hide it. Ghost, he will come to his senses or he won't. We have no power and our lives are unmanageable when we are dealing with active addicts. Come to NJ and visit me...

NG-lots of prayers going out your way. You have a tough time ahead, but the worst was behind you. You survived years with an active addict and you made a healthy choice to get yourself and your children away from that environment. Kudos to you.

Holding you all in the *LIGHT*


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2932 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Kat, thank you so much for your unwavering support. I should come and visit you. Upstate NY is not so far from where you are. But you should come visit me in the summer! I have an awesome lake house right on the water. It is so serene and peaceful, I would love to host my SI friends!

I wish I never talked with my SAWH tonight. His decision to rent an apartment, rather than deal with his core issues is pissing me off! But he has truly shown me who is his -- so onward and upward, right? Why is this so freakin' hard????



This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked to my lawyer this afternoon. WH has hired a lawyer, which is a good thing. This lawyer & my lawyer have a good working rapport, so this is positive news. What is shocking news is that WH admitted to his lawyer that yes, he does have a porn problem as well as an anger problem (although I think he termed it as being "loud" on occasion). So hooray for WH admitting to his problems!

Now for the hard decision I had to make. WH actually had his lawyer ask if he could move back into the house while we go through the divorce process! WTF?????????????? I said no. I worked this hard to get to this point, I'm not going back!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to give the kids conflicted messages, I don't want to continue to live together when there's been this much heartbreak!!!!!!!!!!!!

But you know what? I really did have a few moments when I thought, hmmmmmm, maybe I should??????

Sigh... I'm getting better, but I am still not fully better.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong NG. It would be too confusing for you and the kiddies.

He may be wavering and admit to part of the problem, it's a far cry from fixing it. You and the kids deserve a life free of this kind of trauma and stress.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2932 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update on the drama in our house...DS#1 seems to be taking recovery very seriously. He goes each day to an Intensive Outpatient Program and each night to an AA meeting. He's "shopping" for a home meeting that feels best to him. He seems a bit flat of affect, but that isn't too unusual for him. I have asked DS#2 to come home this weekend for a family meeting. I want to apologize for my part in this dysfunction and set limits and boundaries and goals. While WH "disclosed" to DS#1, he did it so fast and in such a cursory way I don't even know how much registered. DS#2 still doesn't know, and I am not waiting for WH anymore. I won't tell him, but I will at least acknowledge my part in this mess.

My IC is trying very hard to convince me that it isn't as much of a mess as I think it is. That there are bright parts to this story. That I didn't screw up as much as I think I did. DS#1 is taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for all his actions. He isn't trying to make and excuses. He knows he is an addict and needs to fix this.
I have been pretty horrid to WH. I have brought up all the things he didn't do for his family while he was acting out. I reminded him of all the things he did do instead of interacting with his kids, and who he chose instead of his family. It has been rough. He has taken it pretty well, although had to escape to an AA meeting because an SA meeting wasn't available and he "needed to talk to someone." That's a huge step for him.

I have to give this whole mess to my higher power, that the family that I nurtured through all those asthma attacks, emergency room visits, family vacations in that little pop-up camper eating peanut butter and jelly for 3 weeks, the little boys I shuttled back and forth to swim meets and music lessons, that we can survive this.

I just repinned this post on pinterest and it seems to fit...

Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2932 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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