Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places
Oh, I like that! I'm gonna put that on my FB, if you don't mind.
I feel a little silly posting my stuff, because it is so benign compared to all of yours. But I thought you guys could use a laugh.
WH didn't do shit for VD. I knew he wouldn't, and I reamed him for it. Told him I don't know what reality he has to be in to do what he's done to me and think he can pass on *this* VD, first after DDay, no matter what our past VDs have been. Of course we all know what reality he's in, the addict one, so of course it makes sense in his warped brain he can skip it and justify it however he sees fit. Anyway, as he tried to go down that path I told him straight up, no, you had many opportunities to write me a note, send me a text, do any number of little things, free things, etc and you CHOSE NOT TO. You CHOSE not to put me first, AGAIN. He tried to say he was doing little things every day, which is all well and good but honestly, again, how can you think when you've done what you have done you can skip VD altogether?
He tried to man up, apologize unconditionally, etc but as we know after the fact is too late. This whole thing is not a dealbreaker or anything, it just is yet another example of how far he has to go to address his issues, how far I have to go to address my own needs, how far our M will have to go to survive if we can ever get a handle on the first two.
Then the next day I bought myself a HUGE bouquet of flowers. Not a discounted leftover VD one, one of my own choosing with the help of my 3YO. I had actually planned to do this ON VD for myself but I woke up sick and really needed to nap instead the only time I could have done it. But I did make sure I did it the next day.
DH was a little surprised when he came home suddenly (our DD had an minor injury, he came home to help) and saw the flowers, said well there goes my plans I had to go out afterward and get you something. I again said nothing has changed, you still chose to continue to do nothing, never intended to get me anything. Later, after the kids were in bed, and he finally saw my FB post (Do, or do not. There is no try. ) did he immediately get up, leave the house, and come back with flowers and ice cream, bearing all sorts of apologies and whatnot about how he should be showing me appreciation every day, and especially on special days, etc. I said thanks but was not overly gracious. He still obviously does not truly get it in his compromised state, but I guess at least he's trying.
So today I logged into his FB account and wrote a post professing his love for me and how lucky he was. Before this sounds too pathetic please know he did the same thing to me a year or so ago, before I found out he was SA so there is other context that applies. And sadly, the only comments he's getting are making references to doubting he posted this, and did he forget VD or something. And he has no access to Facebook all day, unless he goes out of his way at lunch to access it on his phone (he can't from his office) so it will be there ALL DAY for all his friends and colleagues to see, he will probably not see it until this evening and won't have any chance to respond in real time. This just makes me giggle and wonder why I never did this before. The point is I'm addressing my own needs, and having fun at his expense doing it.
I know, small potatoes compared to what is going on with all of you, but we all take our victories where we can, right?
WH didn't do shit for VD. I knew he wouldn't, and I reamed him for it. Told him I don't know what reality he has to be in to do what he's done to me and think he can pass on *this* VD...
Hath...I was very concerned when I read this at first. I associate "VD" with the abbreviation for venereal disease, lol!
I'm having mixed feelings. Last night, I literally "happened upon" an open NA meeting that was taking place right after a community choir practice that I lead. I've been meaning to check out any 12-step meeting for awhile, and since this one just happened to be convenient and WS has previously said that he finds the NA meetings helpful...well, I decided to sit in.
It was very interesting. The people were very nice and supportive of me as a "spouse." I let them assume that WS was an NA and not an SA...bc well, it didn't seem important to make the distinction.
While everyone was nice, inspirational, and certainly working hard to maintain recovery...I don't know, I just kept thinking, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with an addict?" I know that is a selfish response to a 12-step meeting, but if I'm going to be honest, it's what I thought about all night and all day today.
I think back to what attracted me to WS in the first place...he's not the most handsome man in the world, not the smartest, not the funniest...what really attracted me to him in the beginning was this feeling of safety and stability - that he was NOT a typical alpha male, that he did not put me down, that he was proud of me, that he was supportive of me, that he empowered me, that I felt loved, cherished...safe.
And now...well, I don't know. He lost the main quality I found attractive about him. Now what do I love about him? I don't know...is it just a familiarity thing now? We are just familiar with each other?
I wish so much that we were not married. I would leave him and not look back. It is just this marriage thing that keeps me wondering...
I know that if we divorce, then that is the end...and I'm not really ready for the finality of an "end" just yet. Guess that's an indication that I need more time...
I don't know...just confused, I guess.
2nd Graduate School interview tomorrow...hoping this one works out well. I've not prepared for it as much as I should...just been too distracted with all this personal crap going on...
Love to all.
WS. hugs. We have all thought that. It is normal to think that, and totally justified.
WS~ oh darlin', I'm right where you are. I just came here to post that my SAWH signed a six month lease on his own bachelor pad. Woo hoo! As much as I thought I would feel relieved, I am not. All I can think of is how much easier it will be for him now to entertain his whores.
I also don't know why I still want to be married to him. He's done zero to prove I can ever trust him again. And I don't! So why why why all this pain???? I feel like I am now entering a new circle of hell...
WS, hoping you nail your interview. You can do it!!! Love and hugs to all....
I can definitely relate to the whole holiday thing. Holidays were always a terrible thing in my house. My H never wanted to celebrate them or do anything for anyone else. That first year of recovery, I had high expectations for V-day and my birthday. Both were very disappointing.
In the last year something has changed. He has really stepped up. He told me that he never got it before and resented my expectations of him related to holidays. Now, he feels like "why wouldn't he want to romance me and make me feel special?" It has been a complete attitude shift.
Conversely, the strange part is now that I have this H who buys me flowers for no reason and writes me love notes, I don't feel that overwhelming craving for big gestures on holidays. He told me that he wants to do something special for me for my birthday and asked if there was anything I wanted. I actually just want a quiet night with him and a nice dinner out. I don't feel that need for anything big.
The same thing is true of our sex life. For years I felt sex starved, after begging for sex a few times a year. Now that we have true emotional and physical intimacy, I never feel that intense craving. My needs are being met. I think that when addicts are in recovery, they learn those intimacy skills and the idea of the joy of doing for others (as opposed to the selfish addict brain) starts to take hold.
Just wanted you to know, I have BTDT on the holiday thing. I always felt jealous of people who had spouses that did things for them. Not anymore.
Nature Girl - I think you're doing all the right things, and I am so very proud of you for standing strong, even when it's emotionally confusing...I'm praying that things continue to go as well as they can under the circumstances...
Ghost - Don't know what's going to happen! But at least you're not waiting around for something *to happen* anymore. Maybe this situation will bring some clarity - that he will either get help and you can work toward reconciliation, or get worse which will ultimately give you peace about leaving. At the very least, this is a time to take care of yourself without the stress of living with him 24/7...I have found living separately to not be nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Hugs to you!
Hath - I am still laughing about your VD, haha....
Kat - Listen to your IC and all of us here. You are a good mom. You are also mortal, and your reactions toward H seem perfectly normal. Hang in there!
TMY - Thanks for the positive recovery story. It gives me hope, that while I do not know what the next chapters of my own story will be, at least there is a possibility that recovery is indeed an option.
I'm at a point right now I don't really care about the state of his recovery. I am hemorrhaging from the infidelity, the betrayal, the loss of the husband I thought I had, standard BS stuff. It's almost like I'm doing it backwards, I got angry and kicked ass and took names first, now I want to stay in bed all day and cry and sleep. I want him to be putting all his effort in MY healing, fuck his addiction.
And like I said, I don't even have anything remotely going on like many of you, things are better than they've ever been (although not stellar, but still), and I still am at my worst. He's going to IC. He comes home and tries to be thoughtful and supportive. Fully transparent. Doesn't even use the computer much anymore, and has readjusted his time he would have been on the computer or otherwise acting out with me or the kids. He says he is proactively changing because he is committed to recovery and to me. But it's not enough for me.
I want him to fully feel what he's done to me. I want him to be totally ashamed and begging forgiveness. I want him to be putting all my needs first and foremost and forgoing his if he has to, to be able to do that. All of which not really conducive to his recovery, I know, at least at the stage he is in. All I feel is cheated, slighted, like I deserve a whole lot better.
Probably all normal for me to be feeling this now. Probably in part due to the holiday letdown, like TMY said, and it will get better over time as he gets further in his recovery. Certainly not the absolute crisis mode that any of you are in. But it sucks nonetheless.
I need a break from all of this in the worst way.
WS...GOOD LUCK TOMORROW!!! Maybe this will be the new beginning for you. If not this one, the next one. You are SO young. Don't fret, as hard as that may be.
And Ghost, I may just show up at your door as soon as school is out in JUNE!!!
WS- My memories of how I felt after SAWH was diagnosed are so strong, so clear. Still so painful. Keep moving forward, do what you can to take care of yourself. Best wishes on your interview for grad school, I know youíll do well. As far as wondering can you stay with an addict for the rest of your life, Iím right there with you.
Hath- Try not to compare whatís happening at the ďFuryĒ house with othersí events. Your M and your relationship with your SA are important to you, your healing and your path vital. Try not to Ďcompareí pain and struggle if you can. Iím sure itís small consolation, but I managed to surprise SAWH on Valentineís with balloons and cutesy stuffed pillows and a cd. His response? To repeatedly tell me I Ďone upped himí ; that he loved his surprise and he doesnít know how to properly express how he feels. Whatever. Iíll take a victory where I can get one. Anger provides energy, but it also is easier to express than sadness and pain. Wanting SAWH to heal help you heal was my first need too, and it took a long time to accept that Iíd have to do all the work myself since (in my case) sawh couldnít cope with what was on his own plate. How youíre feeling Iíve felt too. Itís ok.
scardeyKat- I second the suggestion to listen to your IC. Your DS1 is taking responsibility and appears to be actively working a program- all great things. And I agree with the others that your feelings toward your WH are expected. I know when I trigger I don't express myself well; love yourself enough to allow yourself to be human.
Ghost- It sounds like the 180 & detachment are working for you, even though it must be difficult. Keep strong and take care of yourself.
ChoosingHope & DrivingPast- Good to see you posting here. I hope youíre both well.
Tmy- Good to see you too! Thank you for sharing positive stories.
edited for formatting
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:39 AM, February 17th (Friday)]
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
NG, you are in my thoughts today. Going through that with littles has got to be very tough. Mine would implode, I guarantee, they can't deal with change well at all.
WS, good luck on your interview today. Go YOU!
Hugs to everyone. Do something for yourselves today!
I donít know anything about DBT, so Iím going to buy some books on DBT & BPD. I donít know if this is a game changer or not. The little Iíve read about DBT, the ICís focus will be on crucial aspects of the BPD because the patient doesnít have the resources to deal with both the BPD issues and the addiction issues. Iím seeing some changes in SAWH, general changes for the better, more emotional awareness, I guess. He seems less fragmented. As far as the SA issues though, not so much. Emotionally he needs to build his Self and heal his wounds; healing the wounds that led to BPD takes a long time and significant hard work. Addiction too take lots of hard work and time and dedication. I donít know if he can work one never mind both.
More than anything, I want him to be well. With me or without me. If I canít heal and he does it wouldnít be fair to hold him. OTOH if he wonít get sober and work recovery long term I wonít stay, regardless of the BPD. I have so many things to emotionally balance and think about. ATM Iíve more questions than answers.
As always, any feedback welcome.
PS- Yes, I'm aware of the enormous irony in marrying my mother (so to speak).
I am spending some time (along with Nature Girl) on the S/D thread. I am unofficially (officially?) separated now that SAWH has signed a six month lease on his own apartment. It still hurts, but I feel *lighter* somehow. He will do what he will do. I am no longer willing to waste my life being his parole officer. I am starting to embrace that he is no longer my problem. Wish me luck in continuing to detach from him!
Hugs to all...
"I was just now joking around with my children before doing some math, pretending I was going to fall down on my son & squish him on the couch as he "hid" under a blanket. Of course I didn't, we were just joking. I'd never do that.
However, my daughter said it would be okay if I did lie down on [my son]. And why? Because "Daddy lies down on me. He did it two nights ago." Meaning, two nights before we took off this week. I asked her if Daddy's feet were on the floor, or if he was on her bed. She said he was lying on top of her, feet off the floor, in/on her bed.
This is completely inappropriate behavior. I became aware last year that WH was doing this "lie down" thing with [daughter] in her bed last year, only back then his knees & feet were on the floor. I told him to stop it, and I requested that his therapist also tell him this is wildly inappropriate behavior. Apparently he not only didn't stop it, it has progressed to him lying fully on her. Considering that he is a sex addict, considering that his attraction has escalated to seeking gratification by viewing teens, to learn that he's progressed to lying on top of [my daughter] in her bed is alarming. I think you need to be aware of the depth of WH's sickness.
This is why I am not open to reconciliation at this point. This is why I do not want him in the house. This is why I do not want him to have overnight visitation. He is a danger to the children."
I am so sorry. Stay strong! We are here for you...
I'm so sad for you and your kiddies. Hang tough - this is the most important fight of your life. You are fighting for your children's lives.
And I know it - you are going to win, and you are going to protect those children. Stay in the light - keep shining it into the darkness.
My children know about sex, they know the mechanics of sex, they know that no one has the right to touch them, ever ever ever. I do not think this has progressed to molestation. However, in my mind this is clear progression & "grooming". As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am trying hard right now not to panic. I honestly don't think anything has happened, however I am going to continue to see if I can get any more details to come out, or find out if there have been other odd incidents.
You know, just today one particular church lady I've been working with (I've confided in three, and they have been fully supportive in the way I needed support) called me to tell me that WH is begging for reconciliation. Now my CSA mind is telling me yeah, he wants reconciliation, so he can get access to our daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went a couple of times to S-anon meetings, but did not feel it fit me. I don't know maybe I was in denial.
OMG, I am crying my eyes out as I type this. I cannot go on like this any more. I know that, yet I feel powerless to be able to move or doing anything to end this horrible misery.
How did I get involved with an SA? I really believed he loved me, yet I come to find out that he never has and probably never will.
I am so lost and hurt and confused.
Sorry for my rambling, I just needed to get this out there. If I argue with him, or am not loving with him, he decides to act out to punish me.
Why do I deserve to be punished? I didn't do anything wrong. I cannot even stand up for myself or he punishes me with acting out. The worst is I know when he is doing it. When I try to talk to him about he lies to me and causes a big fight.