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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't deserve to be treated in any way other than with love, respect, and gentleness, Rugsjack!

I'm so sorry you're here. At least here, though, you're among others who understand your situation because we're in it, or were in it, ourselves. Keep talking to us and we'll listen.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8747 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
rugsjack
♀ Member
Member # 24097
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Nature_girl.

I am tired of feeling so repulsive to him. I do not want to fix him, I just wish he would get help and maybe show me that he ever loved me.

I see what his whores look like and they have nothing on me, yet it still makes me feel ugly and disgusting because he won't have anything to do with me. I cannot tell you the last time he kissed or even touched me in a non sexual way.

I keep asking myself why do I stay and put up with this, yet I cannot come up with an answer.

It actually feels as if he hates me. If he hates me so much, then why does he stay?

I am pretty good about dealing day in and day out, but today is just awful. I know he is currently acting out, but have no evidence. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me "I don't want anyone else, I only want you." I reply back "Then why are you constantly adding more whores and objectifying women if you only want me?" He then tells me "I am not."

I have been here before. Nine other women that I know of. I do not even want to imagine what the real number is. I won't have sex with him because I do not want to catch anything. I have no idea what or who he is doing.

I know he beats off in park bathrooms and in parking lots in his truck.


BW-38
WH-38
Boys-17 and 19
"Know that you will find courage within when you least of all think you do not have any courage left." Me...

Posts: 568 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AFter I first found this site I read up on the "180", which is a way to help you begin the process of emotionally detaching. You can find it in the Library section. I didn't follow every step exactly, but found great comfort in doing some of the steps. I found it very foreign feeling to do things "for me". I have spent my entire marriage sacrificing myself on the alter of marriage and WH's ego. Just pulling myself back a little, daring to think for a moment the thought that I "deserved" better than what I presently had, was emotionally scary for me. My IC has been working diligently with me to find myself, find my voice, find my courage. It is a slow process. Do you have an IC yet?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8747 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rugsjack-

Welcome, sister. I second the suggestion to regularly attend IC, hopefully with a certified sex addiction counselor (CSAT) or a licensed substance abuse counselor. They will have an excellent grasp of how to help you heal your wounds. I also hope you will find the courage and the time to attend some type of 12 step fellowship for IRL support. Whether it's S-Anon or Al-Anon, IRL support is crucial.

NatureGirl-

What a devastating discovery! I'm sure I'd be absolutely crushed and scared out of my mind. And furious. Incredibly furious. I'm praying for you and your babies and holding all of you in the light. FWIW I hope you can successfully keep SAWH away from them as much as possible.

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 8:10 AM, February 18th (Saturday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies, my mom is coming to visit for a week, so I am scrambling to post before she gets here and I may not post much in the next seven days. But know I am thinking of all of you and holding you in the light.

NG, I would be devasted. I know you know it's likely not molestation, but I totally support you in supervised visitation only. Anyone who views teen porn and keeps porn where children *could* access it does not deserve unsupervised visitation. Keep strong. I'm sure if you allow the visitation (and feel free to have someone else there to support YOU when he comes to see the kids), the judge will see you are trying to be fair yet protect the kids.

rugsjack, welcome and sorry you have to be here. I totally agree with Sabina, get a CSAT for YOU, and give the 12 step groups some time or find a group therapy place to go. They told me go to at least six meetings before you pass judgement. If I had based my decision on the first meeting, I probably would not have come back. The beauty of the meetings is the companionship of others who understand what you are going through. The people that attend each week may change, and different meetings may flow differently. But I'd definitely go a few more times, ideally to different meetings if they are available to you, before you close the door on them.

Good luck to all of you. I will be thinking of you all this week.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Rugsjack..we are so sorry you are here but welcome you to a great sister/brotherhood...

Just to let you know, SAs often become so "damaged" by the view of sex they have that they cannot remember, or never really had a firm grasp on making love with someone they care about. Their addiction escalates to a level where they need more and more extreme images/experiences to get their "high." And so they reject us. It isn't personal, although it feels that way. And it takes a VERY long time to process that hurt.

I encourage you to take the advice of these wise women, they have BTDT. So have I. And as for S-anon, well, there is no way I would have survived my first year living this nightmare without my sisters at my meeting. Give it a fair shot, and keep posting. We'll help too.

*****((((((RY)))))))********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2907 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath ~ I hope you enjoy your mother's visit.

rugsjack ~ I am sorry for your pain, sweetie. We've all been there. Is this a recent discovery or have you known he was an SA for awhile? First, you need to regain your footing and start building up your strength. We can help you, but real life support is also critical. Find a support group, see a therapist, whatever you need to do in order to rebuild yourself!

Take care of yourself, hon -- and keep us posted...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost is right, RJ. You do need to break through that wall of shame which we spouses of SA's are trapped behind & talk to someone in real life. It is so hard to have that first talk. So embarassing. What if they don't believe you? What if they minimize your pain or your WS's addiction? And yet so far every single person I've reached out to has been so supportive! Well, except for the first doofus divorce lawyer I consulted. He was a jerk. Other than him, everyone has been understanding. No one has minimized my pain.

Find someone in real life, be it a counselor or someone you trust at church or in your family network. It will help you get both your feet on the ground.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8747 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back!

Nature Girl - Normally, I associate burning bridges with a bad connotation; however, I found your video from a few posts back very empowering. Sometimes burning bridges is a good thing!

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, and it definitely seems, even to the extent that you know about, that it was a grooming process most likely headed toward escalation. I wonder if you picked up on this on some "spidey" level, as Kat describes it? Anyway, it makes me ever so much prouder of you for taking the action that you have. Stay strong!

Hath - I read your post, and I feel what you're saying 1000%. (Although if it's any consolation, having news out in the public REALLY does suck.) I could be completely wrong about this, but I don't think anyone can ever be 100% into a relationship with an SA after they're aware of the addiction...maybe 90%, maybe even 95%, but not 100%. The odds of relapse are just too high to really put yourself out there fully, to be open, to trust, to be vulnerable 100%. And maybe it's unwise to ever be 100% into a relationship, but it's what we do when we're innocent and idealisic. And that's why when we discover the betrayal...well, it's so devastating. We had absolutely zero defensive walls up to protect us. It was a full-on assualt, surprise attack. And even though the relationship as it was during its active state may have been somewhat "fake," it was real to us, and I think it's okay and normal and healthy and good to grieve that...to grieve what had been "real" to us even if it was in truth, filled with lies and deception. And I just think it is so normal, Hath, to have questions at this point...to wonder, to be guarded, to almost "wish" things were worse so we could be forced to move on, to give up, to have a shot at a new, "untainted" relationship. Because we will probably never be 100% open again with our SA spouse, and as sensitive, loving human beings...that is very sad to us. Give it some time (I keep telling myself this, too.) And allow yourself to grieve the relationship as you thought it was before Dday. That is what I feel with myself right now, grief, and it is what I hear in your words, too. Lots of hugs.

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 1:06 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My interview/audition was a bit unsettling. Found out they only have 2 open spots in the program...so I'm not expecting much. At least it was an excuse to visit with my family for a weekend. (The school was in the city where they currently live.)

WS seems to be doing well. Says he feels better about himself than he ever has in his life. Wishes I could "get inside" his brain, so I could "understand the difference." I told him that was great. Unfortunately my life felt the opposite, and I wished he could "get inside" my brain so he could "understand the difference."

I am just in limbo, in every sense of the word, with regard to my future. What will I be doing next year? Will I be doing something? Where will I be? Who will be with me? Will I be alone?

I hate not knowing...hate it, hate it, hate it...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ hugs to you, sweetie. I understand the feeling of uncertainty. I have a feeling you will do just fine, whatever happens. You are a strong and capable woman.

Today marks one week since I asked WH to leave. He contacted me yesterday to ask me if I wanted to come over to his apartment. WTH??? Ummmmm, no. He did express what seemed to be genuine sorrow for hurting me. He again apologized. I am not swayed. But I do hope the time spent alone has given him some time to reflect.

I am also very afraid of what the future holds. I am about to turn 58 years old and I never imagined I'd be in this vulnerable position. But I continue to try to detach from him -- and try to stay in the moment. It's all I can do.

Hugs and strength to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((((Ghost)))))***


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies,
I'm new to the forum and unsure if I belong here, but I have a question and need some help. My wh just
started going to SAA meetings, a suggestion from our former MC (before our latest d-day) and something my mother has suggested. I don't know if he is truly sa or just messed up. I've been reading your posts and want to go to CSAT but there is only one within an hour of us, and she won't tell us what the fee would be until we go in for a consultation. The consult alone would be stretching us to the point of possibly not paying rent, and I would hate to spend the money if we can't afford to continue to see her. Is it normal for a CSAT to refuse to discuss fees? Should we pay for the initial consult and see what happens? Is there any way that regular mc and ic can work, or is CSAT necessary?
Please help! And thank you for being here. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone...


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Phoenix,

I just read your story, and I see so much of my own story in yours - especially the prevalent use of cybersex, texting and facebook in addition to the PAs. I am not a psychiatrist, but it sure sounds likes SA to me. And if it is SA, then your WH will never get better until he can admit that he is powerless to the addiction and gets help.

My experience: a regular therapist did no good for us. WS lied to our MC repeatedly...for years. He attended a few SA meetings before we were married, but decided his problem wasn't as serious as everyone else's there, that it only "triggered" him to behave worse when he heard their stories. He told himself that he would "grow" out of his "antics", especially after we were married. Well, long story, short: His "antics" only progressed and became more compulsive with each passing year.

Last night, WS and I were talking, and he said that he was proud that I had had enough gumption to call him "selfish" after he lost his job. He went on and on about how he had never thought about it before until I had said that to him, and how he had been mad at first but ultimately it had really opened his eyes.

The odd thing? I've told him he was selfish for years...it was just the first time he had heard it. It was the first time he was open to hearing it, and it took losing his job to jerk him into that reality.

I don't know...my WS just came back from a 6-week residential treatment program, which his parents helped to pay for (thank God). I'm still not convinced that he's in recovery. Part of me feels he is in remission and the acting out will flare up as soon as and whenever the opportunity arises. But I'm trying to be patient and give it time.

So as for your question with the CSAT...wow, I don't know what to tell you. He definitely needs help, but it will be expensive. Do you belong to a church that could perhaps help you out with some emergency funds? Do you have any family that can help?

For sure, take care of yourself and brace yourself for the worst. You may need to leave if he doesn't or can't get the help he needs. And even if he has the greatest help in the world, if he's not "ready," it won't help either. So many variables...

Post here anytime you need to. It has been my saving grace. Good luck to you Phoenix.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WS.
I read your story too and it does sound remarkably familiar. I *think* he's finally willing to get the help he needs. Before d-day whenever someone mentioned the possibility that he was SA he flipped out. After d-day he actually suggested it himself, found the meetings and started going. He even offered to find meetings in the town where his parents live (he's there probably once a month) so that he could have support there as well. I just feel like having an actual CSAT would help him more than the anonymous meetings, because I feel like he could get better tools.
Is the "not hearing you" thing something that happens with a lot of SA men? Because we definitely have that problem.
As for lightbulb moments....my WH said the other day that he had never even considered just not being alone with other women. Um...what?


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I hear some good things: 1) he's initiating getting help and 2) he's realizing he has boundary issues. (Defining boundaries is a big part of recovery.) If you can scrape the money together, I'd recommend checking out the CSAT in addition to the 12-step meetings. I'd also recommend visiting a library and reading up on the books listed in the first string of this forum. You're probably going to find out even more about his acting out as he goes through recovery, but just remember, that is a good sign - it means he is being honest with you and more importantly, with himself. Stay strong.

(((Phoenix)))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, WS. It helps a lot to hear someone else say there are positive things to look at!
Here's another question for anyone who can answer: how often are SA people victims of childhood abuse? I've often wondered and I've asked him once or twice. He always denies but also says he doesn't remember much. And he started looking at pornography at the age of 8/9 and says he never got in trouble, which seriously makes me question it.


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is highly likely that a SA experienced some level of sexual abuse in childhood. That your WH is unable to remember parts of his childhood suggests he may have blocked it out. My WH is the same way.

On the other hand, I experienced 10 years of sexual abuse from my grandfather, but I am not a SA, nor a cheater. I did go through some pretty bad times as a teen/young adult, though.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8747 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, I continue to be amazed at the parallels in our lives...it's blowing my mind really. Right after Dday, I began reading books on SA and learned of the correlation with childhood sexual abuse. I asked WS about this, and he mentioned memories of looking up porn at a relatively young age and the "high" it gave him.

When he went to Keystone, they asked about his family, and he cried and said that he came from a "perfect family" and so he must really be a fucked up person because there was no excuse for why he was the way he was. It took him 3 weeks of daily therapy at Keystone, along with some prodding from me and information from his sister, for us to finally discover things from his childhood that he had completely blocked from his memory. In his case, there was no physical sexual abuse, but there was alcohol addiction leading to disease in his mother and observation of prevalent boundary-breaking from his father, including affairs. He also learned never to talk about his feelings, and that problems were crosses to be born alone. Is that abusive? Well, yes. Was it intentional abuse? No, absolutely not. Just dynamics of a dysfunctional family system. His family loves him very much, as is evidenced by their financial support of him now.

These are all things that a CSAT can help with though - FOO (Family of Origin) issues. We are all shaped by our FOOs and no FOO is perfect. Sometimes people are born into a dysfunctional FOO, and they become stronger people because of it...like nature girl and others on this forum. Sometimes people are born into a dysfunctional FOO, and they become overwhelmed...burying pain until they are almost forced to find an outlet for it, which is often addiction. Does your H have some type of abuse in his past? It is not 100% certain but it is very likely. For my WS, discovering his FOO memories were key to lifting the "fog" in his head and has been key to his transformation *thus far*. (Disclaimer: Whether he sticks with this recovery or not, well again, it is much too early to tell.)

What are your observations of your H's family?

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 10:49 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if you're a statistics person, here is what Patrick Carnes found in his initial research:

97% of SAs had experienced emotional abuse.
72% of SAs had experienced physical abuse.
81% of SAs had experienced sexual abuse.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
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