*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
In need of a 2x4...
One strange thing that has helped me, is a hypnosis program I bought online called
"binge buster" It did seem to help me eat fewer sweets and more fruit, and I have lost those 10 lbs, which on my short body, show up quickly. I also have a couple of relaxation mp3 files I bought on Amazon and Sleep files as well, that I use instead of medicine.
I KNOW in my heart and brain, that exercise would help with brain chemistry and everything else. The gym would be great therapy for all of us!
A shout out to Nature Girl, I am thinking of you and your kiddos. Please let us know how you are doing, sweetie. PM me if you'd like...
Hugs to all...
I'm hoping that NatureGirl is out there somewhere. NG, I'm praying for you. I know you're going through an incredibly difficult time and have some anguishing decisions ahead of you. Please keep hanging tough there for your kids.
I'd like to ask you a question as a weight loss counselor, but it's part of a long-ish story and I'm wondering if it's ok to pm you? Just let me know either way. Thanks!
"Thank you all for your profound concern on behalf of my innocent children & I. Thank you so much.
To fill you in on a little background, I experienced 10 years of CSA from my grandfather. So my awareness of this problem is very high. Consequently I have grown more & more concerned over certain behaviors WH was engaging in w/ the children. Protecting them was actually my #1 reason why I went ahead & kicked him out of the house & filed for divorce. His infidelities, rage and abuse were also contributing factors, of course.
Since he IS out of the house, and since my daughter has not indicated (yet?) any overt abuse, we aren't in crisis mode. Therefore this is something that needs to be done with a bit of procedure in order to make sure that the truth is discovered, whatever it may be, and that *I* am not cast in a light of a vengeful wife who will throw out unfounded accusations just to seek an advantage of some kind, or simply just to F with WH.
Since DD told me about Daddy lying down on her I've not mentioned it again around her or the other two. I cannot risk "contaminating" any story she might tell a therapist. Which is my next step. My counselor tonight gave me a referral to a child therapist who works these kind of cases. I am also going to get a game plan with my lawyer. It is imperative that I not make any rash accusations or actions, even though I can assure you I'd like to indulge in some gratuitous violence about now.
If anything HAS happened, we will find out with professional guidance and I will take all possible measures to protect my children."
FINAL NOTE: IF YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH A SEX ADDICT YET, PLEASE DON'T HAVE THEM AT ALL!!!!!! YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WALKING IN MY FOOTSTEPS.
Phoenix ~ PM me anytime. I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have.
Hope you enjoy your mom's visit, Hath!
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
FINAL NOTE: IF YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH A SEX ADDICT YET, PLEASE DON'T HAVE THEM AT ALL!!!!!! YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WALKING IN MY FOOTSTEPS.
I couldn't agree more. I know that not every SA escalates to the point of becoming an abuser, but all of them have the potential IMHO. At the very least you are bringing heartache and dysfunction to the lives of your children and at the worst a possible abuser.
I love my children with all of my heart, but I have wished many times that I would not have brought them into this sort of craziness that living in a house of addiction brings.
As I said elsewhere, I think you are doing a fabulous job, Nature Girl, and you deserve our hugs and support, not judgement.
That did damage to my kids (and me) on many levels.
However, I do believe that an SA in strong recovery can be a good parent and partner. In order to be in strong recovery it takes SO much hard work. Anyone who "works it" and is accountable, has the potential to be as good or better a parent than someone who has not taken the time to work on themselves.
An active addict, or one who won't admit they have a problem and so isn't in recovery? Or one who "talks the talk" but won't "walk the walk?" Run. As far and fast as you can...especially if you have kids.
The kids issue...I think of this more often than I probably should.
I think I am in a phase right now - a phase where I really don't even like WS, let alone love him. I can't figure out why - he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing: going to daily meetings, bi-weekly meetings with CSAT, working the program, staying sober...
I just don't like him. It's like he is an acquaintance, one I could care less about ever seeing again.
Oh yeah, but then there's this thing...we're married. It's like being stuck in a prison. And the options are stay married in this "doesn't feel like a marriage" situation or be "divorced" when WS is trying really hard to improve himself. I don't know why I'm being so selfish about it. I guess because I tried so hard for 3 years, and he didn't try at all. Part of me feels justified in having him work hard while I do nothing. I know that's not a healthy attitude, but I just don't love him...at least not right now.
I don't want to live with him again, to worry about when the next bomb is going to drop. I don't want to have sex with him, to worry that we'll get pregnant and then I really will be stuck with him at least in some capacity. I don't want to see him on a daily basis. I don't want to clean up after him. I don't want to have to "babysit" his internet access. I don't want to pay his bills or take care of his finances. I want him to be completely independent...and maybe we can talk about "dating" again...but I don't even want to do that. The thought of kissing him makes me want to throw up...the thought of him having sexual thoughts about me makes my skin crawl.
I don't know why I feel this way. I mean, we're MARRIED. And for all intensive purposes, he's doing what he's supposed to be doing. He just seems like such a child right now - and I don't want to be married to a child; I want to be married to a man - a confident, mature, independent, cares for me, healthy man.
What is it that makes you love someone? Beyond the hormonal infatuation, I mean. Is it trust? Is it respect? Is it similar values? Is it comfort? Is it security? Because if that's what it is, I may never love WS again.
I vowed "for better or worse," but I just never guessed worse would include infidelity. I don't know if it's something I can get over. I fear I'm not that big of person.
Sorry, this is kind of ranty...it's just what's on my mind. I feel guilty because I know so many of you want your H to be actively in recovery, and here mine is (at least currently), and I'm still not happy. I feel like my "real" husband died. I don't feel like we broke up - I feel like he honest to God died. Can I be a widow instead of being divorced?
Okay..so yesterday, H calls me at work and we wound up talking about his father. Now, he has a father who I would term a narcissist. His father was not only physically abusive to H but also abandoned him many times in his life when he needed a father. He has left H with some serious emotional scars which only really came to light in the last 2 years for me. I also found out about some sexual abuse he suffered as a kid.
Okay..so as we are talking I can almost feel the energy coming from H thru the phone.
I couldn't explain it but it made me feel uncomfortable.
It was like he was feeling all the negatives his father did to him, it was building up in H. I changed the subject and thought for the most part he was feeling better.
About 1/2 hr my gps pinged me that hub went to an ABS...the first time since November. I felt so let down. I know I shouldn't expect a miracle but I guess deep down I was hoping/praying that he was just going thru a phase and/or could just stop this stuff.
So, I get home from work and he senses that I am not myself. He asks what is wrong. I felt I couldn't tell him cause he still doesn't have a clue I was tracking him.
BUT I want so bad to bring this up somehow. I am scared too cause I just don't want to deal with the fallout..whatever the hell that might be.
Today, he is giving me the cold shoulder. I think he knows that I know but really this is just so insane. I put myself in this position of gps'ing him but can't use it to talk to him about where he went. UGH...how do others do this?
Bottomline is that he will not just come out and tell me he went there. He probably will deny if I ask him. It just makes me aware that I am the only one working on this marriage and whole thing.
I looked up and down for evidence of what he might have rented/brought from there..he was there 10 minutes tops but found nothing. So, he went underground with his hiding spot. I am angry at myself, I am scared..and I just don't know what to do about that.
My birthday is Monday and I was so looking forward to a wonderful day! I feel let down about that. UGH, UGH
(((cheeta))) I am so sorry. Your post made me think of my H, whose relationship with his mother really reminds me of how you described your H's relationship with his dad. My H's mother died last spring, and when you describe "the energy" coming through the phone - well, let's just say that I can relate. I think that the doctors/scientists will eventually discover that certain types of parents/childhoods trigger these episodes to the point of no return. My H was like a robot going back to his SA every time he had to deal with his mother. When she was nice to him, he acted out. When she was mean/manipulative to him, he acted out. When he cut off all ties with her and she made him feel bad, he acted out. When he thought too much about her and his childhood, he acted out in unspeakable ways. It's the energy you described - it's palpable. You can almost touch it.
All I can say is that I'm so, so sorry you're back in this place again.
Kat - as usual you describe things so well. There is a world of difference between a recovering addict and one that thinks he doesn't have a problem and refuses to engage in REAL recovery. And my H had gone through the recovery motions several times and had plenty of help and opportunity to get better, but he never really and truly engaged in REAL recovery. And that seems to make all the difference in the world. It's like you're dying of cancer and you refuse to go to the doctor and get the chemo. Your health just gets worse and worse. And the chemo patients (usually) get better.
As for kids, well, mine are very young and resilient and relatively clueless and unscathed. But their future is not the same as that of their peers. Divorcing a SA is not easy. I can't predict my H's financial security, or physical safety, or mental state of mind as we move forward. I posted a long and terrible post about him visiting our children last night. In short, he showed up after drinking (at 6:30 pm!) to visit the children, and the situation deteriorated to the point where I should have called the police. I didn't feel comfortable writing this on the S&D thread, but I'll write it here: NO ONE, esp. me, would have EVER believed that my "perfect" husband - smart, witty, kind, handsome, successful - would have EVER acted like he did last night. He is a complete stranger to me after 15 years of marriage; plus 4 years of dating/engagement.
Sexual addiction is a terrible disease that can take all the humanity and decency out of a person if it spirals out of control like it has for my H. To knowingly bring children into this situation - NO NO NO, I would never do it again, NOT after last night.
I'm thinking of all of you - at the same time, I really feel so much sadness and angst every time one of these men screws up again and hurts someone here. And frankly, I'm wallowing in self pity too - 13 more years of this until my younger child turns 18.
Quite frankly, after I found proof that he was acting out, May 2008, I through him out. I told him to pick his addiction or me. Go to SA meetings, or else. But the occasional slips continued. I think 3-4. I only know for sure 2. After final D-day January 2009 I insisted on intense SA education and a CSAT for him. But I can tell you that it has really only been the last 4-6 months that he has really been working the program. His biggest hangup has been his inability to get a handle on the higher power thing. Raised an indifferent Catholic, he professed to not believe in anything. It has taken a lot of conversation with other SAs to get him past that, AND this recent trial with our son. He said he prayed all night, and his prayers were answered...so here we are, almost FOUR years out, and he is now in a strong recovery.
The ugly truth is that I am far from healed. And I am not yet comfortable with sex. The mind movies and anger and disgust are constant companions. Sex addiction/infidelity sucks.
WS...you are feeling all the things you are supposed to feel. You have been traumatized by this man. How could you possibly love him, or like him at this point? And he has been sober for, how long? 25 days? Not even CLOSE to where you should feel comfortable trusting him with anything.
INHHO, you SHOULD consider "dating" him at some point and see what develops. My WH is a TOTALLY different man than he was at any point when he was acting out. He is far closer to the man I married 32 years ago. But you never knew your spouse BF he was acting out. You/he don't know WHO he will be. You need to live your life, actively, productively, and without him. And see what the future brings. Give yourself at least 6 mos to recover. You will have plenty of time for those beautiful children in your future.
Cheetah...what a dilemma. He was white-knuckling. It was only a matter of time. It's so sad, because he is hurting you and your family SO much, but how pitiful that a conversation triggers that kind of self-mutilation...
IMHO, don't you think you need to set a deadline and give him a time. SA treatment or the highway? You cannot live like this.
NatureGirl, not a day goes by that I don't think and send a prayer for your safety. Please keep us posted. It's amazing how our mother bear instincts give us strength.
Choosing, OMG, you too...there are times when I wish I wasn't an avowed pacifist. I would like to march over to your house and slap that man silly. Don't these stupid, stupid men realize the pain they are inflicting on people that some part of them really, truly loves!? Maybe calling the cops would restart the part of his brain that obviously has stopped thinking.
Hugs and prayers to all of you. You all kept creeping into my thoughts as I tried to "center" in meeting on Sunday. My higher power is obviously "thinking" of you also.
Make self care a priority!
I'll drop them off at the restaurant and come back by to pick them up. I'll also have the van packed with bags of his stuff which he can take back to wherever it is he's been staying.
The lawyers are semi-insisting that this happen. WH actually asked that he come here & I cook us all a nice family dinner. Maybe someday in the distant future, but certainly not now, and ONLY if we discover he's not done anything to molest the kids.
Speaking of that...
...the kids have an appt with a child therapist who specializes in this kind of situation. Next week. We shall see what we shall see. I'm also taking WH's computer to some kind of expert who can determine what pictures are on it. WH said he deleted stuff, but I don't know that for a fact, and there could still be stuff on it. I just have to find a person who does this kind of thing, and I'm clueless how to go about that.
I had my lawyer ask WH to pick someone from church to supervise longer day visits with him, but he & his lawyer pushed back at that idea. We'll see how that plays out based on what the therapist finds out. I really wish I could post this in S/D for support, but I don't feel it's possible now.
Y'all, I want to respond to each of you individually, but it's 9:37 at night & I have to go tuck the kids into bed. So please just know that my heart goes out to each of you. You are in my thoughts every single day, and occasionally when one of you comes to mind I pray a quick prayer for you.
I hope the therapy goes well for your children, and that you find out the truth, no matter what. You've done so much so quickly - I'm amazed.
There are a few people on here who have dealt with similar situations, and I'm hoping that one of them will reach out to you.