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Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
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WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 |  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 |     |
Kat, I am sooo proud of you for being honest with both of your sons. As you remember, part of my WS's issues stemmed from being "left in the dark" about the addictions among his parents...who left him in the dark with good intentions, I'm sure, but still, finding out has been a big part of his healing. I sense a great deal of healing coming around your whole family. It is a family disease - and what better way to heal, than to heal together. So much love to you.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. Praying for her and for you.
***(((Kat!)))***
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 9:48 AM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
***(((sK & BF)))***
Prayers and best wishes to you and your friend.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC | Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991 | | Posted: 10:20 AM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Kat, I am so glad your family is starting to heal. Your sons sound like remarkable young men, so I know they had a good Mama. Be kind to yourself, sweetie, you've been through alot, but you're now coming out on the other side. (So so sorry about your friend)
NG, I'm happy the first visit with the kids went well. I know how stressed out you were. Regarding your SAWH's wedding ring -- is it gold or silver? I'd sell it immediately. It may be worth some decent cash. 
WS, both my mother and mother-in-law became alcoholics after their failed marriages. I recognize the slippery slope. I did use alcohol to numb my feelings and pain, especially in the beginning. But I won't let this happen to me. Your accidental meeting does sound ummmm...heaven-sent.
Ostrich. my SAWH had a series of sexual encounters, but one woman lasted 9 months. He claimed to have no emotional attachment to her, but she was more available than the others. I believe him on that point. He said they may as well have been blow-up dolls (nice, huh?), it was all about HIS sexual gratification.
Sorry if I missed any of you. I am thinking of you ALL and sending you peace and strength...
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 1:40 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Just what I've assessed after a decent nights sleep..I was a lil panicked yesterday. Do you guys think maybe when he started the A with OW, (who by the way has her nasty ass visible to others on the internet) but on the outside looks like a regular mom with a job and mortgage, gave him a taste of this kind of stuff. Im not saying he was some choir boy but like previously posted, hes never been into the heavy duty porn like Im seeing now. Well hell,maybe he's always had some little thing for it and once he got a taste of it just got over the top? I know he's not a victim but there is something that just doesn't make sense. He said the first DD she meant nothing, he knew there was to be NC or I would file. Its got to be some type of addiction. Its like a mouse hitting the button over and over in a lab experiment. His browser history is frightening. I can see in the last 3 months, its doubled, now tripled. Im sorry Im rambling..just blown away, my gosh we have a teen daughter, how could he look at those girls that arent much older than his DD  [This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:01 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2133 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 |  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Ghost, the ring is quite valuable. I designed our wedding rings myself. Gold, diamonds, and precious stones. Now I'm wondering how much I can get for it??? But actually, it belongs to him, right? But then again, he's not even asked for it. I know I'm certainly not giving back to him MY ring. Not that I've worn it in forever since he told me that it didn't stand for anything (this was on Valentine's Day 2002). But it's worth a fair sight more than WH's ring. I could live for several months on the money from these rings if I turned them into cash.
Kat, I have appreciated the SA jargon tidbits you've shared with us. They resonate with me. I even quoted one in my "goodbye" letter to WH, something about our lives becoming unmanageable. That defined our lives perfectly.
WS, your self-awareness is remarkable. Hang in there, Hon!
Ghost, on another note, are you feeling a little better today?
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 5025 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991 | | Posted: 2:14 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Nature Girl, I'm okay, thanks. My best girlhood buddies dragged me out of the house to go to breakfast this morning. They are very supportive -- and equally shocked at WH's sick behavior. They have all known him as long as I have, and they all find his behavior very uncharacteristic. But they're all glad I kicked him out.
SAWH tripped all over himself to explain away the penis shot again last night. His new story is he took it to send to himself. Sure he did. I am back to NC and want no further contact with him. Lies upon lies upon lies...
NG ~ ask your attorney about your H's ring. But I would be sooooo tempted to sell it.
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 2:18 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
My girls were asking me about my ring while we were out-of-town last week, wondering if I would pass it on to them, as well as my beautiful wedding dress. I told them that since my marriage failed... They filled in the blanks immediately and understood I didn't want to "pass on the bad luck". Smart girls! I feel the same about these #%*! rings!
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 5025 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862 | | Posted: 4:12 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Hi everyone.
I so wish I was here to offer words of encouragement, but instead I just need to feel like there's someone out there. I want to scream today. Not because of anything new (thank God) but because I feel like an effing moron.
I keep reading posts in these threads about people's kids (and I think it's amazing that you share these things and have raised such wonderful people) and my first reaction is to say, well hey, my parents went through this and I'm fine. And then I realize why I'm on SI to begin with. No, I'm not fine.
Yes, I learned to trust people. But obviously, that was a bad decision. I decided not to let my trust issues because of my parents get in the way, and ended up marrying an SA.
For that matter, and this makes me want to know what the hell is wrong with ME, now that I'm reading up on it, I'm pretty sure my dad is SA AND my other long-term relationship was with an SA. Is there something about me that attracts these people, or is there something wrong with me that I'm attracted to them? And how the hell did I ignore all the warning signs? It never even occurred to me before we got married that the cybersex and the cheating and the constant porn could have something to do with an addiction. I just thought he had been an asshole and then changed. Stupid, right?
So there it is. Right in the middle of a fairly pleasant day, nothing going on and BAM. I feel like I need a freaking dunce cap. But, thanks to WS, I will NOT go pour myself a drink. Because you're right. It's too easy in the middle of all this to want to self-soothe just to take the edge off and then keep going slowly into a world of a whole new problem. Which is something we as a group do NOT need.
Seriously confused about almost everything.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012 | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 4:39 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
(((((phoenix))))) Don't be so hard on yourself. I am not smart enough to figure it all out. But I too, have been told that I am with my fWH because of my FOO issues. That I picked him BECAUSE he was what I knew: an addict. Like my mother. Trouble is, he wasn't acting out when I met him. He wasn't the judgmental, critical, and nasty person he became, he was completely OPPOSITE of my mother, the addict in my childhood. He was loving, supportive, dare I say, adoring of me.
So, I don't think I PICKED him for my FOO issues. BUT I have reacted to his behavior and become enabling, rug-sweeping, and accepting of too much crap because of what I learned as a kid.
Now YOU have to re-learn your reactions. Learn that you ARE worth more than addicts have to offer. That you should be FIRST in someone's life, not second to a sick and perverse substance or behavior. It's not an easy lesson, we learn to accept the abnormal as normal, and forget how to nurture ourselves. But it is essential. And WE have to be first, in order to take proper care of our kids, and teach them to accept only first rate treatment in their own lives.
You only lived what you knew. You probably had no real choice. You do now. And you'll learn from it.
The 12 step programs are the perfect place to learn this. "It works if you work it."
((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 4:49 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
As another response to Phoenix, I have another fear...
Remember in the last chapter of our thread, we were talking about the increased diagnosis of SA? I really worry about that. The internet is the perfect medium for an addict. It has all the porn anyone could ever want, in all kinds of perverse flavors, and the perfect combination of pretend RL and isolation. How do we know that the people we meet and form relationships with IRL aren't SAs, hiding their addictions behind a facade of normalcy? How do we protect our kids?
I'm a librarian. I believe in free speech, I DON'T believe in censorship, but it's SO scary! Kids are connected 24/7...
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606 | | Posted: 4:55 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Now YOU have to re-learn your reactions. Learn that you ARE worth more than addicts have to offer. That you should be FIRST in someone's life, not second to a sick and perverse substance or behavior. It's not an easy lesson, we learn to accept the abnormal as normal, and forget how to nurture ourselves. But it is essential. And WE have to be first, in order to take proper care of our kids, and teach them to accept only first rate treatment in their own lives.
You only lived what you knew. You probably had no real choice. You do now. And you'll learn from it.
I am beginning to believe this too. Thanks for posting it, Kat.
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 | | Posted: 6:36 PM, February 25th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Phoenix - Listen to Kat. She is very wise and has an excellent way of putting wisdom into words.
If your experience continues to mirror mine, then you are going to learn a great deal about yourself through this process. Some of it will be good. Some of it will be bad. Some of it will be scary. (And some stuff will be completely out of line - I still don't believe EVERY SA spouse is a codependent - although living with someone in an active addiction can certainly make you act that way.) But if you continue to explore this self-awareness and learn to listen to that little voice within yourself that speaks truth - well, you'll find that you'll ultimately come out a better person in the process - a stronger, wiser, more enlightened human being...with a few battle scars of course, but hey, those give character.
I don't know the relationship with your parents, but I do know it is normal and healthy to look at your FOO for possible explanations of your current behavior. We are all shaped by our FOOs on some level, and no FOO is perfect. Recognize the patterns you don't like, and change them. Remember, who you were is not who you have to be. Awareness is the key to breaking the cycle.
(And too, keep in mind that perhaps you were really just a hopeful, optimistic, innocent and compassionate young woman...you believed the man when he told you he loved you and would change. That's the way it's supposed to be after all.)
So in all of this, be gentle with yourself. Tough days are ahead. Mad, sad, crazy, times are most likely coming. Expect them, and then they won't catch you as off guard. Eventually it will all even out - whether through his recovery or through your leaving. Proud of you for not drinking! 
Did your H end up seeing a CSAT?
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 1:39 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
S.Cat...you are so right. Damn internet. Ever since we got it on our phone plan, WS is out of control with porn. I have no idea what to do. I didn't know he had porn addiction but it escalating daily. I want to break the phone and shut the fn internet OFF. I think its so tempting, just a click away from a fix.
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2133 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 1:43 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
http://www.dishydivorcee.com/2011/09/how-not-to-seduce-a-sex-addict/
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 5025 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 1:46 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Ostrich, I think most of us here will tell you that you cannot monitor a SA into a healthy mindset or relationship. You cannot control what they do or think. You cannot change them in any way whatsoever. You can't love SA out of a person. You can't F them so perfectly so they don't act out. You cannot change their minds, you cannot say or do anything at all to help them.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 5025 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827 | | Posted: 2:34 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
NGirl..so what do you do. I mean if you agree to R, I feel like he's done such a great job acting recently and I didn't really go looking for what I found. I kind of feel like no matter what he says or what he does, I will always wonder if he is still doing this. I mean do we just learn to live with it, im sure viewing porn sites, eventually leads to meeting these girls, right? I dont know whether to run or just stick my head in the sand and pretend like he is, that everythings fine. Damn him for messing things up again 
2DS 2DD..my reason for living
DD#1 10-01-09 DD#2 02-12
thought I was in R.
OW: a real peach, a lovely girl (sarcasm). Currently rat-holing every dime I can and planning the great escape.
Posts: 2133 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest | WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 | | Posted: 6:57 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Ostrich, read my story. If it is SA, then yes it is going to escalate (and may have already). And like Nature Girl says, you will never be able to monitor him. He will just find better ways of lying and hiding. (Once he was in recovery, my WS even admitted that he got a "high" off of fooling me - he has this complex that I am "smarter" than he is, and so by "out-smarting" me about his sex life, well it boosted his ego. Ironically though, I was not trying hard to find things. Like you Ostrich, part of me didn't want to know and agreed to bury my head in the sand...as long as it remained 2-dimensional...which unfortunately it didn't.) Anyway, you can live with it for awhile...years even, but eventually, without help he is going to crash and burn. The awkward position for you is that it hasn't reached "bad" enough (that you know of) to leave, and yet now that you're aware, you know what will most likely be coming...
That's a hard one Ostrich. I guess the best thing you can do is get him to a CSAT, but if he's not ready...well, not even that will help.
It's a terrible place to be.
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 | | Posted: 7:04 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Oh, and one more thing Ostrich...
My husband and I went through the abuse cycle several times with regard to this:
1) I sense something is wrong.
2) I discover something bad.
3) WS comes clean to whatever I have specifically discovered, is very apologetic, agrees to take steps to change, and transforms into the best husband ever (honeymoon phase).
4) Things are okay for awhile.
Repeat steps #1-4 ad infinitum.
SAs can "love" you...but they are still addicts - powerless over their disease. And as Kat said earlier, living with a sick person makes you sick, too, after awhile.
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | BrokenHeart2012
♀ Member
Member # 34776 | | Posted: 7:57 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Hello guys, I think my WH is a SA too. He looks at computer sites all the time and gets off on them. He said it's guilt free. I never realized it was an addiction. I knew he had been doing it because he use to save the sites as favorites. I deleted them reminded him our DD (9) gets on the computer, too. After that he just searched sites. I would find pages and pages of sites in browers. He is getting more savy. I even blocked searches but that didn't stop him. He never mentioned anything about blocks.
At the end of the school year my DD and I are outta here. I can not live like this and do not want DD to be exposed to all of this.
Setting the wheels in motion and it feels great!
BS - 42
WS - 44
D-Day - 1/11/12 Via email
Posts: 134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 9:47 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012 | |
@Ostrich- There's a difference between monitoring and setting boundaries. It's a fine line, it's hard to figure out at first.
But the biggest hurdle is the SA has to WANT recovery. If he/she doesn't, you can't force it.
We did the whole cycle of abuse thing that WS described. For a long time. We went to MC. It was only after the last D-Day, when he admitted to the PAs that he started really work on his recovery. And that was 4 years ago. Even with that in place, there have been "slips" although not a "relapse." And only you can decide the difference.
Let me give you some examples. I found evidence in August 2007 that he was visiting strip clubs. At the time we were NOT going to MC. He swore up and down he would stop. He also said there were no lab dances involved. He also started going to a doctor and being treated for Bipolar 2. In April I found financial evidence that he was spending 1500-1800 dollars a month on whatever. He admitted to the lapdances, swore he would stop, put a GPS tracker on my phone so I could see that he WASN'T at a strip club, but where he was supposed to be at all times. In May, I found VERY nasty porn on his computer and threw him out. He was angry, but calmed down, swore he would fix this, checked in and visited each day. About 2 weeks later I tracked him from the doctor to a strip club. I went there, he sneaked out the back. BTW, there are NO beautiful women there. Just cheap, ugly slutty 20 somethings, surrounded by drooling loser-types. Amazing that anyone would think this was sexy...
I digress. I yelled, I screamed, I cried. I told him that if those were the people he wanted in his life, he could have them, I was done. He begged, I told him the only way I would consider this is if he would attend SA meetings and get himself straight that way. I started attending Sanon, (thank God!) he started SA that night. Some of the stories scared him to death.
We weren't out of the woods. We have had porn slips and semi porn slips. I or he sleep elsewhere if that occurs and he admits those slips to a sponsor and his group as well as to his CSAT. There may have been more, but I don't know about it. In January 2009 he finally admitted that the EAs were PAs. That set us back again. He arranged for us to have private STD testing, arranged for us to attend an intensive and expensive educational program on SA. After that we both started seeing addictions specialists for IC.
You have the right to set boundaries for you and your house. You have the right to say NO PORN IN MY HOUSE. It is a way to make yourself safe. I checked my fWH's whereabouts on the phone for 3 years. Not to be a watchdog but as a way to feel safe. I still do at times. Those are boundaries, not co-dependent behaviors.
Please educate yourself on this disease. The first and third books are especially helpful.
None of the boundary issues are helpful unless HE wants to heal...work on detaching.
You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.
****(((((((((Ostrich))))))****
First and foremost you should read these books:
"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.
"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD
and
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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