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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I went through the abuse cycle several times with regard to this:

1) I sense something is wrong.
2) I discover something bad.
3) WS comes clean to whatever I have specifically discovered, is very apologetic, agrees to take steps to change, and transforms into the best husband ever (honeymoon phase).
4) Things are okay for awhile.

Repeat steps #1-4 ad infinitum.

SAs can "love" you...but they are still addicts - powerless over their disease. And as Kat said earlier, living with a sick person makes you sick, too, after awhile.

This just about sums up the last 15 years of my life. Everyone on the outside thought we were the perfect family, too.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGGGGHHHH!!!!! So much for NC! SAWH called this a.m. and asked if he could come by to pick up more of his things. Most importantly, he needed to pick up some medications he left here, so how could I say no????

He walked over (no current license) and when I saw him walking out loaded with crap, I offered to drive him back to his new place. Big mistake!

I was curious where he lived and agreed to come up for a minute or two. It's really nice! It felt so surreal to be visiting the bachelor pad of my husband of 34 years, I fell to the floor!

My WH kept saying how sorry he is, how he really loves me and hopes we can reconcile. He wanted me to spend the night with him. WTF??? I couldn't stop crying.

He tried to assure me he will never bring another woman there. I am the only one he wants. Bullshit! He took a penis shot just a couple of days ago and still insists he only took it to send it to himself to see what he looked like. OMG!!!

I was trying so hard to detach and now I'm screwed up all over again. Help me, dear sisters...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He loves you Ghost, but he is an addict. He will hurt you again. He cannot control himself. Demand that he get help. Tell him that you love him, but you cannot live with a sex addict who is not actively in recovery (attending meetings, visiting a CSAT, etc.). DO NOT SPEND THE NIGHT.

Setting boundaries does not mean denying the love either of you have for each other. It just means recognizing what is healthy/safe and what is unhealthy/unsafe - demanding one and refusing the other.

Praying for strength for you!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone's situation is different, but here is my boundaries list just so you have an example:

I will not be in a relationship with an addict who is not in recovery.

Recovery means:
1) Attending meetings, at least weekly.
2) Attending therapy sessions with CSAT, at least weekly (unless and until otherwise agreed between you, me and CSAT).
3) Being honest about sexual activity, disclosure of slips within 1 week.
4) Being honest about access to former modes of sexual activity like internet / texting (no hiding or lying; no secret devices, plans or websites).
5) Absolutely 0, none, nada, physical sexual contact with another person.
6) No sexual interaction with minors.
7) No sexual interaction with people from real life.
8) Under no circumstances should you ever be alone with another female, who is not related to you, in our home.

For my own safety and sanity, if any of the above boundaries are broken or discovered to have been broken, then you will be asked to leave the home immediately. They are grounds for immediate divorce proceedings.

Slips for me include masturbation, pornography, chat rooms. He is not supposed to be doing those things, but as long as he discloses them to me within 1 week and works with his CSAT / groups to find ways as to why he slipped, then I will not necessarily kick him out. I would like to know though, that way if I see it escalating toward a relapse, I am not shell-shocked as I was last time.

Also, currently he attends 7 meetings a week, but from my end, I am only requiring 1. Some things I want to leave to him - he knows how many meetings he needs.

I would be curious to hear others' boundary lists, if they are willing to share.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boundaries were different because of our abusive relationship dynamic. PLUS, I didn't know as much then when I created the list as I came to know later.

My boundaries included not tolerating him repeatedly questioning me all the time about everything under the sun, not interrupting me constantly, improving his pervasive negative attitude (he's even lost jobs because of it), stop talking negatively about my family, stop lecturing me, stop muttering bad about me (a really baaaad habit that he passed on to the kids), no more yelling at me or the kids, no more "scary/threatning" tone of voice to me or the kids, no more pornography, no more "silent treatment", and no more "near catatonic episodes".


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, maybe I used the wrong terminology. I guess that list really is more a "deal-breakers" list because my "boundaries" would include the pornography and chatrooms, etc.

Like you though, it is highly personalized to our situation. The first 3 are more general, but the others are more specific to us.

It sounds like STBXWH put you through a lot of emotional abuse Nature - I'm glad you are getting out. No one deserves to be treated that way.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ I refused to spend the night with him. No way!!!! I am back home.

I did AGAIN tell him my requirements for R. Very similar to yours, BTW. The ball is now in his court. We will see how much he really wants me. I have made it VERY clear what I require before I would even consider R.

I am not holding my breath, but dammit, I dare to hope...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Ghost! I know it is so hard when they are being so sweet and apologetic...it really is like SAs are two people. I know that took a lot of courage to walk out that door, Ghost - I am so proud of you! Yay Ghost!

I am hoping, too, that he listens to your R requirements, but only time will tell. For your own sanity, my advice would be to continue the NC unless/until he brings you evidence of meeting your list of requirements. It is simply too painful, and SAs are simply too good at manipulating our feelings (at least this is my experience).

*****(((((Ghost)))))*****


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been horribly abusive, and I've put up with it, trying to be loving & forgiving & tolerant. I'm over that.

That's one of the reasons why I cannot imagine R. I cannot go back to what was. I *will not* go back to what was. And if I was to be with him I would always be waiting for things to go back to what was. Because they always did. We went through so many abusive cycles as you described. It was killing me. And to have SA on top of it all, driving it all. GAH! Forget it!

I don't know which has been worse. The SA or the abuse. It was the abuse which led me to end the marriage the way I did, changing the locks, with me & the kids fleeing town & having someone else serve WH. I just did not know which direction WH would swing. Would he revert to his angry rage-a-holic & kill me, the kids, then himself? Or would he become depressed & possibly kill himself? Right now he's in the depressed arena.

There were many nights during the course of our marriage when I'd sleep with my door barricaded, afraid he would sneak in during the night & kill me. There were nights when I'd have the kids sleep in the same room as me, door barricaded, afraid he'd kill us all.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouragement, WS. I truly appreciate it.

Nature Girl ~ you made the right choice. How horrible to fear your H would kill you! God, I have had many fears, but NOT that one. Stay strong! I think you're doing an amazing job under the circumstances.

Hugs to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS had a slip today. This shit never ends. At least he disclosed it - I guess that is an improvement. Has appointment with CSAT tomorrow.

Fucking hate this disease. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Why am I okay to live with this the rest of my life? Why don't I get this marriage annulled? What is wrong with me? Jesus...

Not going to drink. Not going to take drugs. This much I will do for myself.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I'm sorry Sweetie. I know that hurts, and then the storm of confusion that scours your brain & soul afterwards...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I read these posts the more anxious I get. This is scaring the hell out of me. I don't see how we can R, ws refused MC when I thought it was just A. He won't do the work, I know him.
@NatureG..my God you have described my WS to a T. For some reason he is not acting up right now, there's an eery calm that I am not familiar with. He looks like he's wracked with guilt, he looks like a homesick kid. I think he's in ass deep with this porn, way over his he'd and is clinging to me like he's. Gonna slip into darkness if he let's go. Should I confront? Before it gets worse..or keep quiet and keep adding to my evidence pile.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3985 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Goodness Ladies! What a weekend here on the board. I feel like Iíve missed it all, . WS, Iím glad your WH told you about the slip. I agree itís a start. Ostrich, just a hug. The spouses canít rescue the addict. Remember sKís S-Anon motto: you didnít cause it, you canít cure it, you canít control it. Ghost, congrats on not spending the night. Itís a great step. NG, I had no idea your sitch was so serious! No wonder you wanted outside support.


Re boundary list. Attend IC minimum bi-weekly, no cell phone, no new email accounts, NC with APs, no porn, no dating/sex sites, call every night before leaving work, he pays for my therapy & for MC (if we go), my choice of therapists. Most of which he has maintained. I think. Iím pretty positive he has a secret email but I havenít been able to find it. He did contact his online EAOP last spring (after 15 months NC), shortly before my bday. Iíve told him very plainly I donít trust him at all & I believe heíll lie to cover his @$$ & doesnít respect me enough to tell the truth. *shrug* Iím on the fence about maintaining the M & he knows it. Iíve been in limbo for two years now. Iím financially trapped & have no real choice to make ATM; although Iím working on it, this is a long term project.

**((SA spouses))**

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boundaries are tough to sort out. For me, it's best to focus on my personal security and recovery. So that meant attending SA meetings and therapy, calling me and keeping me aware of where he was at all times. Computer use was limited and NO clearing of history. I was the one who kept track of all money and had access to phones and email accounts. I had a passive GPS on our phones that alerted me when he left and arrived at ten different places. We don't have that now, only because the phones have changed. THAT was a great comfort to me.

I don't want to know about any slips. I did find out about some, and reacted just like you, WS and you, Ghost. The reality is, this is a disease of relapse. Hopefully, my fWH is somewhat to the point, where, if he does have a slip, one that I can forgive, that is, one without a flesh person, he'll be able to get himself back on track. I do not want to be his accountability partner, he has IC and SA people to do that with him. And the reality is that he LIKES who he is now, alot more than he liked the sneaky pervert. So HE has wants to be sober.

I get that those of you in early R or not NC are wanting to hear about the slips. But he will either recover or not, whether he tells you or not, and you are making yourself sick. Consider whether or not you REALLY want to know about every slip.

Hugs to all.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:17 PM, February 27th (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is still lying and hiding things from me.

Opened credit card bill today
and discovered several charges to the apple i-store. Since I did not download any apps, I knew that he somehow had gotten internet access on either his phone or the ipad.

When I first asked him if he had access to the internet outside of his parents' desktop computer, he said no, absolutely not. When I told him about the evidence I had, he admitted that he had taken the ipad to the gym *today* and had downloaded a book to read. When I told him about the repeated dates on the bill, he said he had taken it to the gym a few times. When I told him the bill included several dates before he joined the gym (and only 2 days after leaving Keystone), he finally admitted that he'd been taking the ipad to a local McDonalds for WIFI access on a regular basis.

When I asked him about the things he had done with the internet, he denied any wrong doing but did admit downloading a few applications that were clearly a danger to his sobriety - one that allowed texting and one called "stash" that allowed secret space on the hard drive for holding pictures. I do not know whether he acted out or not - obviously he lies when evidence is not present to force the issue.

This is heart-breaking of course - mostly that he was being dishonest and deceptive. Addiction is a disease, and relapse for SA is almost 100% within the first year. I am not expecting perfection, but I am expecting honesty. (Otherwise, how is recovery different from before?) I was very sad to learn of this behavior through evidence rather than through him disclosing it to me of his own volition.

Anyway, I am still not filing for annulment at this point, but I am just so heartbroken again...

I told WS that I felt like he wasn't serious about recovery...I said I felt like he was still riding the fence between choosing his addiction or choosing our marriage. His honest answer...he wishes he could choose both.

One of his recovery buddies from Keystone called then, so we ended the conversation like that. I am sick.

Just took the last of my pain drugs...I know I said I wouldn't, but at least it's the last one...oh my god, it's the last one.

Why would he still want to choose the addiction? After losing his job, losing his career, losing his reputation, losing his self-respect...and still he would choose his addiction? And choose it over our marriage?

Every time I think we're doing okay, starting to do better...every time...shit...why do I put up with this? Why do I love him so much?

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

I am so tired of being depressed...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh WS honey...he is still so wrong brained . We would have thought that all that time at Keystone would have broken the cycle. It obviously did not.

I wish you could do a strong NC. For YOUR sake. And czncel any credit cards he has access to and block any way he can open one using YOURincome. He is still an active addict.
NC=no new hurts


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, I am so sorry for your continued pain. You know I understand, as I am going through the same sort of thing. I was so hoping your H's stay at Keystone would start to heal your marriage. Hang in there, honey. Start concentrating on yourself. You can't be his parole officer. Hugs to you.

My SAWH called me tonight to ask how I was doing. I told him honestly it was very difficult to see his bachelor pad yesterday, but I also told him we should have separated months ago. He said the time apart has given him plenty of time to self-reflect and he wants to be a better man. I told him talk is cheap and what steps was he willing to take to better himself? He said he is working on it. Okay.

I want to believe him so much. We have never been apart this long before. But I will not take him back unless he meets my requirements. I am still so so sad. Tomorrow is my birthday -- and I have never spent one without him since I turned 18! He asked me to go to dinner, but I said no. I am trying so hard to be strong!


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((WS)))) I'm so sorry. The words about "wanting both" sums up my situation for the past twenty years. I'm 43 now, so I had to deal with this for most of my adult life.

It's incredibly selfish of SAs to think they can have both: the loving wife and adoring children AND a secret "other" life that betrays and destroys their wife and children.

Please let us know what happened with your H's recovery buddy.

****((((Ghost))))****
Happy Birthday! I hope you're doing okay this morning. Stay strong -


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
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