|
|
|
|
 |
- |
| - |
|
|
|
|
User
|
Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
|
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 |  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 |     |
Hi all-
I confirmed Thursday morning that SAWH has a particular person(s) in mind and may have met her/them. I copied 10 months of bank statements and plan to review them all with a fine tooth comb as soon as practical- probably not until the middle of next week since he's off all weekend & will be home. I spent most of yesterday numb and cold and anxiety ridden.
Luckily, by previous arrangement I had dinner with a fellow SA spouse whom I met in a therapy group back in 2010. I had a great talk with her and she was/has been a great touchstone for me. I recognized that what I found is "simply" confirmation of my gut instincts; and while it's painful and emotionally both a slap in the face and numbing, I'm happy to be able to trust my instincts again.
Re MC- as I mentioned in my previous post, we have one appointment together and then we each have individual appointments and on the fourth appointment the MC presents "the plan". In my session I intend to raise all of the relevant issues: his SA diagnosis and subsequent denial, the fact that he's doing DBT with his IC, all of the abuse including the rape & sleep rape, etc. The whole kit and kaboodle. During our mini phone interview I told her our previous experience with MC and what a fiasco it was, I told her I was very apprehensive of my emotional safety. She was very understanding and reassured me that all of my feelings are valid. (duh~ but some IC's disagree, the quacks). Later on she said that if she felt she couldn't help us she would point us to someone who could. If nothing else I might confront him re the new AP in a session.
This weekend I'm just licking my wounds and working. Journaling. Trying to find a 12 step meeting that fits in my work schedule. Contacting my GF with a spare room and talking about possibilities in a more concrete way. I don't know, she may have decided that she isn't ready for a roomie; I need to talk to her.
*sigh* F.M.L.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC | WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 | | Posted: 1:23 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 | |
...part of his brain knew that home, I, and the boys represented reality, and goodness, and was where he really wanted to be. So he hung on to it. He recognized that the other life was fantasy, and sordid, and ugly.
Although I can't look back without bitterness, I do remember that there clearly were things he did to show that he loved us and appreciated us. He was sweet and kind much of the time.
But the sad truth remains, that staying with an active addict, is crazy making. They are charming, manipulative, and will lie about the rain while you are standing there getting soaked.
Recovery MUST be about you. About not being part of their illness, about putting yourself first, about being treated with respect and NOT allowing anything less.
Yes, ditto, agree and agree.
Sabina - it really sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Good luck! Lots of light and prayers! You deserve the best!
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | Somuchemptiness
♀ New Member
Member # 34949 | | Posted: 6:38 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 | |
We had our first session of MC last night. My husband told me about the porn but I was till so angry about the cyber affair the porn stuff seemed secondary. Oh, come to find out the porn has been going on for 3 yrs and then the counselor said the words, sex addict, what!?! My husband? Wow, shoot me in the head. He said he stopped for a couple of months then got stressed out and went back to it. I read so many of your posts and yes they act like everything is normal and they are the epitome of a good husband/ father. The counselor talked about the fantasy side of it all. How it wasn't real to him, crap it's real to me and it lead to his online affair. He says he feels embarrassed, ashamed and never meant to hurt me. How utterly disgusting is all I can think. We have 5 children, did he think of them did he think of me? No, it was a fantasy. Well welcome to reality which is what I have been living for my 24 yrs with you. I just dont get it but am so thankful you are all there with similar stories and support. I am not alone and this site will keep me sane and keep me from going to a very bad place. Thank you
Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2012 | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 7:23 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 | |
(((Somuchemptiness))))) if you haven't already done so, start educating yourself about this horrible disease by reading some of the books from the first page of this forum. In order to tread water and heal yourself, you need to arm yourself with information. The two best books, IMHO "Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.
(I understand there is a new edition of this, so don't get a used copy)
and
"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
And the BEST thing you can do for yourself is to find a support group to go to; S-anon or COSA. You can do a web search, that will have a phone number contact and you will be given the addresses of meetings in your areas. There you can meet with other people, almost entirely women, who have BTDT.
You have to heal yourself. Discovering this is a major trauma. And even if you didn't know about his behavior, you do now, and the roller coaster of emotions you may now experience is extreme. The heart of what you need to hold on to is this: You didn't cause this, can't cure it and CAN'T CONTROL IT.
Oh, and also IMHO and the opinion of many of the people more experienced than I, unless your WH is in Individual Counseling (IC) with a Certified Sex Addiction Counselor (CSAT) he is wasting valuable time. And he needs to go regularly to a 12 step meeting, get a sponsor and work the steps. People who have done those things are the only people I know who have been successful at achieving and maintaining sobriety.
This is a forum filled with some of the most amazing, generous women with strength, class and wisdom. You still will need support IRL. Feel free to read my profile and PM me. Welcome. [This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:29 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1741 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606 | | Posted: 7:53 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 | |
. . . addicts are trying to keep their world intact. They enjoy the challenge of juggling a secret life and maintaining respectability to the outside world. It is a game. And appearances are very important to the SA. It is no surprise that most of our spouses are intelligent and have careers and educations. They want to keep that part of their life compartmentalized and secret. We are part of their facade. They cannot fail.
TooManyYears: when I read about SAs, it's all about their pain. But for my STBX, it was also a game - he liked to be important and perfect in the "vanilla" world. (I was part of his facade, of course.) And he liked to fool all us pathetic "vanilla" people at the same time. Compartmentalization allowed him to keep each world in its place - no overlap - so that he never got caught.
Of course it ultimately spun out of control and became unmanageable.
Thank you for sharing these words. They are haunting me.
(((SoMuchEmptiness))) I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Welcome.
(((GHOST))) and everyone else - I'm thinking of you all.
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862 | | Posted: 11:37 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012 | |
First session with CSAT today, and not sure how I feel. I think she'll be helpful for WH, but....
Well, first, she is completely aware of our financial situation (as in, we can *barely* afford groceries every month). But she chose to charge us a higher rate than necessary (as in, she has a lower rate available) because she said she'll know WH is "serious" if it's a little painful to pay her. Um...what? That's painful not just to him, but to us. And to our ability to eat a healthy diet.
Second, she gave me that stupid "Mending a Shattered Heart" book. And I hate it. I don't hate it because it's calling me out on my shit, either. I hate it because it looks at my situation and claims that only one kind of person could "let that happen." But the person it is describing isn't me. And I mean that. Not like, I don't want to admit that's me. Like, I only recognize about two paragraphs in the whole damn thing.
Sorry. Just ranting. Every time I pick the book bak up I get more angry. I have never supported his behavior. Did I come back? Yes. But only when he took the steps to start recovery himself. The fact that he was able to lie and act out when visiting family (when I was unable to go) does NOT mean I allowed this. I didn't know. I couldn't know. I was hours away. In some cases, I was CONTINENTS away. 
Seriously confused about almost everything.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012 | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 9:42 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
(((((phoenix))))) posting from phone, forgive typos, pls. I can't remember the Carnes book putting so much blame on the BS, but I haven't picked up the revised version. And you are right, you are not to blame. I found the Steffens book, listed on the first page of the forum to be far more accurate for me.
I know I did allow him to treat me poorly and I did BECOME enabling after many years of his manipulation and lies. That does not mean I LET it happen. He is solely to blame. And that is true on your case too. You didn't cheat, he did.
Not all counselors are good for everyone. If this isn't a fit, go to another.
A for the book, take what is useful information and reject the rest. Or stop reading it and get the other one. And keep posting here. We get it.[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:43 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1741 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606 | | Posted: 12:07 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012 | |
((((Phoenix))))
I would not trust a CSAT who tells you that they are charging you a higher rate to teach your SAH a lesson. Not when you have problems putting food on your table.
It's unethical. And it's just wrong.
She should have one hourly rate. And then if she wants, she can also use a sliding scale based on the patient's ability to pay. But she should NOT be doing what she's doing to you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of problem on top of everything else right now. I really hope you can find someone better!
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 12:08 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]
Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862 | | Posted: 9:15 PM, March 4th (Sunday), 2012 | |
Sorry, I guess I wasn't specific enough in my post--I was pretty annoyed and feeling a bit lost and sort of floaty that day. The CSAT has a sliding scale, and what we are being charged is not at the top of it. She just made it clear that she COULD go lower on her sliding scale but didn't want to because she wants it to hurt to know WH is serious. Unfortunately, there are no other CSATs to visit unless we drive over an hour, which also wouldn't help the financial situation. We're going to go see her again this week and see if we feel comfortable.
I'm going to see if I can get a copy of the Steffens book. I know a lot of people say I need to figure out "why I let him do this" as in, why I didn't leave when I found out about the first 2 As, the porn, and the cyber. But the thing is, I HAVE a reason. I didn't leave because he instantly (and I mean in the amount of time I was at work the next day) found a therapist who saw us in an emergency session, gave me all of his passwords, shut down email and myspace accounts I was uncomfortable with, etc. So I had good reason to believe everything was over. And, at that point, had never even heard the term"sex addict." So when people pull the "I would have left him right then and there and you stayed and let him do it again," card, I get really mad. As far as I know, there was a full three years with no acting out, and when it started again, it was when we were literally in different cities and there was no way for me to know what was happening. Sorry. I seem to be ranting again.
But yes, I will find the other book and see if it's a better fit. I will also go to CSAT this week and see if WH and I both feel comfortable. Wish me luck...
Seriously confused about almost everything.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012 | SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023 | | Posted: 8:16 AM, March 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
((finding phoenix))
Welcome to our little corner of SI. I agree others opinions can be infuriating, particularly when we feel blamed. Early after diagnosis I felt much the same as you do now. I had to learn that the SA diagnosis changes everything; that well meaning family, friends and coworkers don't understand. It was, and remains, very difficult. I second scardeyKat's advice to find IRL support through a 12 step group. Another site that has proven helpful to spouses is recoverynation.com partner recovery zone. It sounds like the CSAT wants to see if your WH is willing to invest money and resources into his recovery, as a method of gauging the authenticity of his desire for recovery. I haven't got a comment on the IC's doing this, our CSAT said the same. I just want to emphasize that a CSAT is crucial to healing for both of you. Seriously.
~ Sabina
Details & story in profile
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Maya Angelou
Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 8:36 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
I have officially reached the realm of discovery in which the story is no longer plausible.
As I packed up some of WH's stuff this afternoon, I found a lovely notebook. Written by a prostitute. It's her "date book". Names, dates, phone numbers & addresses, biographical information, sex information, drug preferences, and dollar amounts.
WH is featured as a repeat customer.
Whiskey
Tango
Foxtrot
At this point I am detached enough that all I can do is just  myself silly. And of course call people to tell them so they can laugh with me. And share the love with my lawyer. And my mom. And my counselor.
WHO IN THE HELL WAS I MARRIED TO??????
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 4995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991 | | Posted: 8:52 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
Nature Girl ~ your strength amazes me. I am so glad you are at a stage where you can laugh at him. Kudos to you, hon!
My SAWH spent the night with me on Friday. I know, I know... but I had major dental surgery and he wanted to "be there for me". On Saturday morning, he was itching to get back to his bachelor pad. so I drove him back. 2x4's please!!!!
On Sunday, he never even called to see how I was doing. I think he is seeing someone. Why am I surprised?
Today, my out of town daughter emailed me to say she had a seizure over the weekend. My poor girl is epileptic -- and this was very upsetting news. I called him to let him know, and he couldn't get me off the phone fast enough. God help me, but the problems never end. I am starting to hate him.
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 9:08 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
Nature Girl and Ghost...hugs to both of you. Crap. I wish you could get a break from this...
Holding you in the LIGHT...wish I could do more.
SK
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1741 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991 | | Posted: 9:13 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
Thank you, Kat. Your support is enough. God, I just wish I could catch a break from all the madness!
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223 | | Posted: 11:49 AM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Hi all, sorry it's been awhile. Our community has been devastated by the tornadoes...devastated. I have never seen anything like it, and I worked in New Orleans following Katrina. I was lucky - my apartment was untouched, other than hail damage, and power has returned today.
A 14-year-old girl who played in the band was killed in the neighborhood behind me. I didn't see the tornado, but I heard it - the very stereotypical freight train, never-ending thunder rumble...I really thought I was going to die, hiding in the closet under pillows with my cat. If it had hit my apartment, I surely would have died. There is no basement.
Looking around, it seems like a big weed eater went through. You can see the path very clearly. Things that are fine next to...nothing. 40 homes have been flattened in my home county. So far, only 2 deaths reported but several in the hospital. School is out for the rest of the week. I have not yet been to the county where I teach, but I'm told that it's in even worse shape. They had no emergency plan in place and are currently under "martial law," strict curfews, no one allowed in.
I don't know why I'm sharing this on this forum, except that all of those feelings of unsafety are really being compounded at the moment. I really feel out of control, very overwhelmed, very alone. I just don't know how much more stress I can take.
And I feel guilty for being spared...for my home being spared, for my life being spared. I feel guilty because in all reality, I think there would have been some relief to me to lose everything, to start from scratch...even to die.
This is crazy talk. I am losing it...
It's back to shock for me I guess...numb, staring at the walls, disassociated shock. We've been told to stay indoors, to stay out of the way...it's that feeling of complete helplessness all over again.
Every time I think things can't get worse...I'm afraid of what's coming next. I feel like I have no control over any aspect of my life...
Get it together woman, get it together...
DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.
Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011 | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 5:14 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
WSIA, that's so scary! Thank the Lord you weren't hurt! I think it's quite understandable that you'd be set back a bit with your emotional & psychological progress. (((HUGS SWEETIE))))
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 4995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 5:18 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Ghost, no 2x4's from me. You do what you have to do sometimes, right? ((((HUGS TO YOU, TOO)))))
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 4995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554 | | Posted: 5:21 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Feeling very icked out this afternoon. I read through the entries in that log book, date book, whatever you would call this kind of thing. My gosh, the details this woman kept of her customers! If I was a blackmailing kind of person (WHICH I AM NOT, I'M JUST SAYING...) I would be able to get rich in very short order.
And of course the details she has on my can't-be-ex-soon-enough husband are making me sick. I see that more of the things which I thought were "special" between us (not that I enjoyed them so much, just that I knew it meant a lot to him) were really things that he was having the hooker do for him. Great. I got treated like a whore. Gotta love that! 
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = WS (abusive NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
Separated & Divorcing
Posts: 4995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA | scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560 | | Posted: 5:35 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
WS...wow. People bad mouth NJ,but I live in a suburb bordering on farms and forests and we rarely get any extreme weather. I am so grateful you are physically well, but can certainly understand why you are feeling so unsettled. Those poor people!
NG...if nothing else maybe this just cements the whole "sickness" part of this crap. Frankly, I still cannot get past the whole ick factor...
Hugs, and more to all of you.
Me-BS-59
Him-SAfWH-62
“Lethargy can prove fatal for life. ”
Posts: 1741 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head | Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991 | | Posted: 7:17 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
((((WS)))) How horrible! I am so glad you are okay, but so sad for the loss of life in your area. You have gone through so many devastating events lately. Be gentle with yourself, sweetie.
NG ~ At least you keep finding more proof of how truly sick your WH is. It must make your decision to divorce him that much easier.
BTW, WH slept over, in my bed, but NO sex. I would have never agreed to it anyway, but he seemed uncomfortable, and kept his distance. It was like sleeping with a sibling. It makes me more and more convinced he already has someone, or a bunch of someones, in his life. I feel like he's moved on. I wish I found it that easy. I am finding it very difficult to detach...
Hugs everyone....
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011 | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
|
|
|
|
