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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what makes me bristle (and I do bristle - what a great word!), lol, to the label codependent is that I feel it makes me sound as though I "sought" out this type of abusive relationship. It probably is semantics, but "relational trauma" feels so much "better." I did not "choose" this relationship - it appeared one way, deteriorated to another, and I suffered the ill-effects of that deterioration. I think I would probably exhibit more "codependent" traits if we had been married longer. I think codependency was probably where I was headed if the proverbial shit hadn't hit the fan so "quickly." But I don't think I was quite there - a few aspects, sort of - but not really, not yet.

"[Co-dependency] means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.

I don't feel I was here yet, although I do think the relationship is/was very important to me. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have realized how damaging it was to me...but I didn't know the extent of his addiction until December 14, 2011. Until Dday, I thought it was limited to 2-d interactions on rare occasion, every 2-3 months or so. While that did not make me happy, I did not feel it threatened my sense of self. I led a good life, worked hard, traveled...WS and I got along great. I really was just in the dark about the frequency and extent of his acting out. The relationship was not more important to me than myself, it just wasn't as perfect as I'd imagined as a child...but what really is?

It means a one-sided relationship.,. It means youíre trying to make the relationship work with someone else whoís not,

This is true, but again I didn't realize it until Dday. I wished he would work harder at our marriage (clean, cook, share in other household responsibilities), but I thought all women wished that. For all intensive purposes, he seemed to be emotionally supportive, which is all I really "needed" from him. The other things were just wants.

But other issues [besides addictions] in a coupleís lives can foster codependence, too. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership.
The other partner - who is the codependent one - then works all-out to try to ďfixĒ the problem.

I am guilty of this. When WS did not show enough sexual interest in me, I did try to dress sexier, initiate, etc. I moved his computer to the family room and encouraged him to downgrade his phone. I also pushed us into MC. But again, the extent to which he was viewing porn, masturbating, sexting, cyber-sexing, physically interacting with other women...it's unbelievable what I did not know that was going on right under my nose. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I'd found out about these things and he hadn't also lost his job at the same time, forcing him to get help...I'm glad I was not put in that position. I really do not know...I guess that would really reveal whether I am co-dependent. I feel 90% confident that I would have left him...but there is that 10% that doesn't know. He is very good at apologizing.

Examples of Co-dependent behaviors

Controlling behavior - Yes. But my intent was never to control him as a person, but rather to protect myself and my home from future harm. I wish we could call these "protective behaviors" (semantics, I know...)

Distrust - Yes and no. I distrusted him with the computer, but I trusted him implicitly with real women. Upon reflection, this was really naive on my part.

Perfectionism - Yes and no. I was very perfectionistic before in all facets of my life. Now I find I am increasingly laid back, taking it a day at a time. It's hard to be perfectionistic knowing what I know now.

Avoidance of feelings - No. I am very emotional and in touch with those feelings.

Intimacy problems - Yes and no. Yes on his part, no on mine. I felt very open up to the very minute before Dday hit.

Caretaking behavior - Eh, not really. I did this but only the bare minimum. We often lived in a mess and pulled through mcdonalds for dinner. We both took care of ourselves for the most part. (Granted, we were certainly surviving and not thriving...but we were both working 60-80 hours a week.) I did take care of the bills and plan the vacations though.

Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) - No. Did not live this way until dday. Now I do, but it is decreasing.

Physical illness related to stress - Yes, but a lot of stress came from job, not relationship.

So I don't know what my conclusions are...this has been a good reflective exercise for me Kat. I think it's good to be aware of codependency characteristics because it does empower us not to act that way.

I feel a lot healthier now that WS is physically gone from the home and all of our "shit" is out on the table. I feel like we are working toward healthier selves and a possible healthier relationship. Certainly neither of us were "thriving" before.

And as he is being more honest with me about his struggles and his triggers, as he is taking more responsibility for himself in all facets...I am thinking of him more as an equal, as a man, as a husband, rather than a boy.

I think what is most confusing for me is distinguishing between what he says and what he does. I was raised to think that words were golden...and I am so bad about believing what he says. That is definitely a problem for me.

I guess...really...I will find out whether I am codependent once WS moves back in, if we get to that point. Because now I know things, now I am aware...I guess I will find out how I act!

Thanks for the conversation Kat!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I may have been a workaholic before. I find a lot of the improvements in my life that have happened since WS left...are really more tied to the fact that I've limited myself to a 45-hour work week. Before I sacrificed doing things for myself in order to do a better job at my work. Can one be codependent to their profession?

Wow, if I go back and read all the codependency descriptions and relate them to my relationship with work...they all fit.

Now THAT is very interesting!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, I can view my codependency as something totally separate from my H and his SA. To me, at this point in my recovery, I see codependency less as actions, and more as a really wrong way of thinking. Low self esteem, low self worth, feeling good about myself only when I was doing something for others, working extra hard, making lots of money, getting my identity from what others wanted me to be or what they thought of me. Thatís why my Hís disclosures hurt me so badly. I based my identity on what HE thought of me, so to find out how he disregarded me made me feel as if I was NOTHING. That was my rock bottom and where my own recovery began. This is all a result of my FOO. I just happened to be a perfect fit for a SA because of how my parent/s raised me. I really shouldnít have used the word ďraisedĒ.

Our relationship started out wonderfully and we had a very strong connection. The problem was when he starting acting bad, I didn't run like hell like any sane woman would have done. I suppose that would have to be called enabling. Ugh.
Edit to add: I was unaware of the cheating. His behavior aside from the cheating was enough for me to have left him.

I also don't view SA in terms of actions anymore and more as a faulty way of thinking again, similar to codependency. My H never experienced sex as a bonding experience and was never able to be emotionally vulnerable because of his childhood sexual abuse. To him, sex was something that was forced on him, "done to" him, something that someone "made him do" when he was so very young, so when he grew up he was not able to experience it as something mutual. It was something he could "make someone do". It was only through recovery that he was able to experience a positive sexual experience and I think that opened his eyes even more to how wrong what he did really was. It makes me feel more secure that he won't go back to that way of thinking (but of course I will never blindly trust again and I'm OK with that).

[This message edited by NOTINKANSAS at 11:59 AM, March 9th (Friday)]


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need to say I am totally jealous of your csat options Hath. I found ONE in our area, an hour away, which my h has been going to and he is soooo not like what you described. He basically did NO work on the addiction other than tell him to get a workbook and do it on his own and if he has questions he can ask but it would otherwise be a waste of the session time to discuss that. Ater several sessions I questioned why he hadnt even given a diagnoses or anything and then he went online and had my h do one test (the common one that has been talked about here, I forget the site right now) and then made some blunder and didnt get the results. I could go on, but he has been okay as a regular counselor but even my h is disappointed that he is not .... whats the word? I dont know, talking/teaching/evaluating/discussing the addiction and role of addiction. He had not even mentioned ONCE triggers or inner/outer circle behaviors. Nothing.
Oh, sorry Im venting away, sometimes we all need to, but one thing I remembered now, he also said we would do disclosure together in a few weeks. It never happened. I asked him about it (I went along twice) and he said to send him a list of what questions I still have about his acting out. So I did that. Then nothing happened. ARGGGGG.
He has been going for 5 months!
So we are going to look into something else and also he wants to start the program on recovery zone because he felt that resonates with him from the first one-two lessons he did.

Enough about him.
I want to definitely chime in on the co-dep convo, hopefully a little later today if I get the time.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAARRRGGHH!!!

I just wrote a long, in-depth, thoughtful reply...and it didn't post. Stupid internet! So here we go again.

Driving--Your CSAT sounds like a douche. Or at least, like he's not doing what a CSAT does. I know it's important to have someone who does this kind of specific therapy, but if he's ignoring disclosure, not talking about triggers and not talking about the inner/outer circle behaviors....then is he really working the SA therapy. I say no. Of course, if there's anything SIers are adamant about, it is taking anything a WS says about their IC with a grain of salt. So maybe call the CSAT and ask what's up. But I wouldn't continue the relationship if he really isn't addressing those things.

WS--It's interesting that all those factors applied more for work than for your relationship with your WH. I'm glad you cut down your hours and are spending more time doing things for yourself. Yay!

Now I'm going to do the Co-Dep list.

Controlling BehavioróNo? I donít think so. I mean, I check up on him, but have never blocked the internet or phone or anything like that. And I donít think asking him to respect me is control, lol. So demanding that he NC with the whore doesnít count.

DistrustóComplicated. I worry when heís late and I donít know why. I do check his phone every day to make sure there are no calls/texts I donít know about. (which, btw, has been wonderful. Nothing yet!) But I trust him most of the time, about most things. Like, I never even consider that heís lying about what someone else saidÖuntil everyone here on SI tells me to do a reality check!

PerfectionismóNope. Not even a little bit.

Avoidance of FeelingsóAgain, nope. I know how Iím feeling, I accept it, and he definitely knows. I make my feelings perfectly clear AND I make them a priority. And if he tells me my feelings are ďsillyĒ or that Iím over reacting, we talk that out. By which I mean I tell him that my feelings arenít silly. Because if itís important to me, then itís important. Plain and simple.

Intimacy ProblemsóNo.

Caretaking BehavioróNo.

HypervigilanceóMaybe? Iím not sure itís really ďhyperĒ vigilance. I mean, I know now that there is more danger to our relationship than I thought, but I donít get worried about every woman I see or anything, and I donít worry about outside dangers.

Physical Illness Related to StressóNo.

So by my count, I only exhibit behaviors in two of these categories, and I think those are perfectly normal and even GOOD considering Iím only a month and a half from D-Day. Right? Shouldnít I be checking on him and vigilant about his behavior?

I would also say Iíve never made the relationship more important to me than myself. I have worked inside boundaries, ie-picking a grad school that had programs for both of us and was in state so that we wouldnít be further apart than 2 hours. But I did not, for instance, just wait to go to grad school until he would pick up and go with me. In fact, when I left, the whole reason was self-respect. I knew if I stayed while he was lying and hiding things, I wouldnít be respecting myself. So the night I found out, I told him I was leaving. And I did.

SKat: Thanks for giving us all something concrete to work from in this discussion!


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update on the MC session

It was an eventful session. In the end, the IC refused to treat us, saying she felt we would be better off being treated in a large practice where each of us had an IC and we had an MC. She felt any ICs we had would need to collaborate frequently because of the seriousness of our M situation and that her practice is too small. I regret that she has decided this, she seems to be much of what I was hoping for.

The first words out of her mouth were that Iíve been deeply traumatized and I need more treatment for that. She also told me that I need to recognize that SAWH has a right to a relationship where his partner may be able to build trust in him- not something I was willing to hear. Today, yes. But last night, no. She tried to tell me I always have choices, but I was having none of that. She immediately recognized his pronounced trait of monopolizing a conversation and began interrupting when she felt she had a point to make. She put him directly on the spot about the controlled substance I found last summer, and pushed him hard to answer her directly, which he weaseled and wriggled.

I guess the strongest moment was when I bluntly told SAWH that I feel trapped, that I canít make it on my own on my wages. I reminded him that he took me off the bank account when I last tried to discuss separation in January of 2011. I really Ďhad a momentí so to speak. I felt carried by the strength of my feelings, out of control somewhat. In the car afterward I was a mess, and apologized for everything. SAWH was silent except to say that he recognizes that this was my pattern when Iím upset (to apologize). In the end Iím glad he knows point blank how I feel. Itís better for both of us for the truth to be out there. Iím exhausted. Iím owning and honoring where I am emotionally, accepting that this is ok for me, That I canít make him help me, make him heal on my agenda, wait for me. Etc, etc, etc.


Re codependency vs relational trauma

Iím codependant, have been that way due to FOO. Iím also traumatized because of SAWHís behaviors. In my case, I was codep *before* ddays, but not traumatized until afterward. The ddays and his subsequent behaviors triggered a serious uptick in some of the behaviors being discussed: hypervigilance, distrust, etc. DDays made things *worse*- IMO a natural reaction to traumas. An example of my codependency is my compulsion to apologize repeatedly after I tell SAWH how I feel. I feel like a freak because I need him to let me beat him over the head with my pain and anger yet Iím terrified that by sharing my real feelings he will leave me. Classic codep thinking. His reaction to my emotions is his to own. In a healthy M both parties need to share feelings. He needs me to get to a place where I either leave or fully recommit to him, not something I want to hear but is true.


For drivingpast-

SAWH, IMO, fell into SA as a coping mechanism for (likely) BPD. There have been periods in our marriage where he coped better, but because the BPD went untreated for so long the SA has gotten worse. Like NG I hate the term co-addict.

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 5:26 PM, March 9th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I am also a compulsive apologizer. My H now points it out to me and tells me to stop apologizing for things that are not my fault. Even when he's mad at me. :)

I hope you can find the right IC for you. HUGS.

Re: codependency. When I was knee deep in it, I would have answered NO to every single one of those questions. It's only in a healthier state of mind that I can recognize how bad it was.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, one of the things I've struggled with is something you mentioned, that my WH has the right to a relationship with someone who can trust him. That someone is no longer me. And yes, he does deserve a good relationship. He could have had one with me, but he f-ed that up. I finally accepted that since there was no way I could ever trust him again or be a wife for him, I had to divorce. I had no "right" to hang on to him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question abt the co-dep stuff....

Are we to answer for our current behaviors? pattern of behaviors? behaviors immediately after dday? or the life prior to dday??


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my marathon post this morning, I have been thinking about this codependency thing all day. It is a real revelation to me that I may have had a codependent relationship with work.

My father most certainly had a codependent relationship with work...so much so that he had a stress-induced heart attack. He worked several years past retirement age because working was his identity. He didn't think he had a purpose for living if he stopped working.

And I did (do?) place a lot of weight in what other people think of me - I am a people pleaser. I like to work hard, so people will say "good job." When people don't say "good job," I work even harder. I have been this way since I was a kid - always 4.0, 3 sports, social, put together. I thought these things made me a "good" person. Ironically, I never cared about learning, just getting good grades. I never cared about playing the sports, just earning the varsity letter. Many of the social things I did...I did so I could say I did them.

More ironically...

A lot of this decreased when I met WS. It was one of the reasons I liked him. He didn't care about my grades - he asked me what I learned. He didn't care about my varsity letters - he asked if I wanted to play during my free time. He didn't care about the list of social things I did - he asked if I had fun. I feel a lot of my perfectionism decreased as a result of dating WS. He made me feel at peace. He helped me to get to know myself. After college, when I had an opportunity to travel and my family said NO WAY - TOO DANGEROUS - GET A REAL JOB, he encouraged me to go. It was one of the greatest years of my life.

I don't know what it was about this most recent job that resurrected some of those perfectionistic, compulsive, obsessive, approval-seeking characteristics. I think it was just that there was so much need...and no one was there to help. WS was also working hard and even taking on some of my perfectionistic qualities. We were both working too much, trying to do too much, measuring our self worths by what we were accomplishing rather than who we were as human beings.

All of this is very interesting to me...

I think my obsession with work is what kept me so in the dark about WS's SA for the 3 years once we were married and living together - ...if I had been more present, more invested, I probably would have noticed.

But I put so little importance on our relationship. I used him basically. He was the sounding board that I could come home and complain to. I expected him to encourage me, to build me up, to be strong for me...when he was going through the exact same shit. He was burying his own feelings, and I didn't even notice.

Not saying this is an excuse for his behavior, but upon reflection I do think we were both very unhealthy individuals, resulting in an unhealthy relationship.

I don't think I would have been able to admit that before dday.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's some good self-examination, WSIA. ((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeeze, I didn't mean to give you all homework! I promise there won't be penalty for lateness! LOL

Thanks for keeping us up on the new stuff Hath. I can only imagine that you are posting amongst boxes and drop cloths. It is an exciting time for you, though, congrats!

So, I'll tackle this a bit. It's work I need to do, so feel free to skip over my musing.

"[Co-dependency] means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.

Well, I think as a mom, you necessarily put yourself on the back burner. And as WS went through career issues, most definitely, I made ME the last to be cared for. And I made ALL the plans for night out, trips, you name it. My rationalization? "He's stressed, I am the organizer because this comes naturally to me, I commute less for my job, blah, blah blah" It was easy for him to simply NOT make any effort, except on special occasions. Which he mostly did. Except when he didn't.

It means a one-sided relationship.,. It means youíre trying to make the relationship work with someone else whoís not,

simply not show much interest in the partnership.
The other partner - who is the codependent one - then works all-out to try to ďfixĒ the problem.

Except he said he was interested, and did want to work out the problems. I believed him because I didn't know about the infidelities.

Controlling behavior - Well, tricky. This is my tendency which I fought tooth and nail. Both of our mothers were totally into power. So I avoided it. But I need to control some things. When I am stressed and cannot control things, I clean, organize closets, drawers, whatever. I have been known to get out of bed in the middle of the night to scrub a floor with a toothbrush. In S-anon, this is what they mean when they say "keep so busy you don't have to deal with the addiction." But I have done this all my life. It IS the only thing I can control.

Distrust - I CHOSE not to distrust him when I should have because I just didn't want to live that way. Now I guess I really do trust that he doesn't want to relapse. But I have mostly chosen to leave his sobriety up to him.

Perfectionism - Oh YEAH! But that is a long term FOO issue. I will NEVER be good enough. But I am mostly okay with that. Most of the time.

Avoidance of feelings - I learned to do this. WS told me many times that he was "tired of dealing with my feelings" So he didn't. Things are different since sobriety. Poor WS.

Intimacy problems - Yep. Now. Self protection. Nobody's getting in to this girl. I seriously need to work on this.

Caretaking behavior - In a house with 3 ADD boys/men, two of them frequently sick with asthma, one with learning problems, one with behavior issues, an (unknown) WS with career issues, in perpetual grad school, unexplained absences, who would disappear every night into his office for a porn fest. If I complained he had a tantrum. I was the Head Cook, Bottle Washer, Jack-of-all-Trades. And I was supposed to do it while starting (3) new jobs (not concurrently) myself, without a complaint. Or he would rant that "he didn't want to come home to all these problems!"

Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) I watched him carefully to gauge his mood. And if I saw danger signs, I shut my mouth. I put on my happy face. I kept it all myself. I dealt with it all...

Physical illness related to stress Where do I begin? I'm not going to list my annoying illnesses that are all stress related.

So yeah, I fit the description.

But I don't think I have sacrificed my life for him or his addiction. I have had a life and a career that I am proud of. I need to write this out for my own affirmation so please feel free to skip. I have several hobbies that I enjoy and at which I am competent. I make jewelry and I enjoy photography. I built a dollhouse that is beautiful. I do a good job refinishing old furniture and I enjoy gardening. I raised two sons of whom I am very proud even though they have had issues. partly related to our FOO issues. My career hasn't brought me money, I'm a teacher, lol, but I have positively touched the lives of MANY kids and their families and I still love my job after 34 years, despite the anti-teacher sentiment that seems so prevalent. I am debt free, despite all the money WS screwed away on hookers and other skanks and will pay off my house this month.

So, I just have to, once again, put on my big girl panties and fix this. I think I can, I think I can.

I am just getting old. And weary.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:57 PM, March 9th (Friday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thought that's been rattling around in my head lately:

"I wish this was just a regular divorce. I wish that this was just a situation where my husband was a dick and cheated on me & that was that. I wish my husband was not also a sick, mean SOB sex addict with an eye for teen porn, causing me to worry for the safety of our children."

The End


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hislies
♀ New Member
Member # 35019
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. I am new to the board. These are some very long threads. Kind of hard to jump in, but here I am.

My story is in my profile. Long story short:

together for 12 years, married for 6, so far. Found searches for escorts online, then numbers on his phone. Was told he got off on just calling them. Made these discoveries several times over the years. Last time he half assed SAA.

Found another number last week. after that, the truth started to slowly trickle out, culminating with the BIG D-DAY this past monday, where he admitted to having been with escorts around 10 times in a 4 year period (the last being 2 years ago). And having been going to massage parlors with happy endings since before we were even together, and through out our entire relationship. the last time being about a year ago.

We're entering MC, Individual counseling, and he is attending SAA. We have a lot of work to do. We're trying to keep it together the kiddos.

^ok, sorry I guess that wasn't so short. And now the baby is crying.

I look forward to getting support here...


Me: 32
Him: 32, sex addict, affairs w/escorts
2 kids, 5y/o and 2y/o
D-Day Feb 27 2012 TT, March 6th 2012 is when it all came out. Little discoveries over the last 12 years.
working on reconciliation

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((SA spouses)))***

Hi hislies, welcome to the SA spouses thread. It certainly sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Your WH seems to have an established pattern of lying throughout his life, as does my SAWH. Lying is a very difficult behavior to change. Counseling will be most effective if he sees a certified sex addiction counselor (CSAT). They are the best trained to help both you and your WH uproot this addiction. I *strongly* recommend that he sees a CSAT for IC in addition to attending SAA meetings. There is a huge, huge difference between sobriety and active recovery- the SA rollercoaster is very long and agonizing.

I'm most concerned about *you* though. In my experience, regular therapy with a CSAT and attending S-Anon meetings have been the biggest help. Letting go of my SAWH's therapy and simply watching his behaviors. On the first page of this thread is a long post detailing the best help for you.

Again, welcome to our little corner of SI. Please post often!

To sK:

Your codep list and descriptions are practically mirror reflections of my own experience. I don't know if I'm relieved that I'm not the only one or sad that someone else has suffered through crap similarly.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome hislies -- I am so sorry you find yourself here, but this wonderful group of wise and supportive women will help get you through.

(((All))) I've been reading these posts over and over. I've learned so much from each and every one of you. Thank you for sharing your lives and your experiences!

It is one month since I kicked SAWH out of the house. He keeps saying how "helpful" it has been to have the time to self-reflect. But he has still not made one move towards recovery or therapy.

I've done fairly well with detaching, but I still can't bring myself to move forward with a divorce. I am working on myself which is all I can do at this point. I hope I can get strong enough to make the tough decisions that need to be made.

I am still feeling so sad and shell-shocked.

Love to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've done fairly well with detaching, but I still can't bring myself to move forward with a divorce. I am working on myself which is all I can do at this point.

Ghost, take all the time you need to make a decision about the relationship. Only you will know when the time is right and when you are ready. The important thing is that you are safe and taking care of yourself.

Lots of love!!!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding treatment of spouses/partners:

http://safepassagescounseling.com/partner-sensitive-treatment-for-sex-addiction/

http://safepassagescounseling.com/partner-sensitive-treatment-for-sex-addiction-part-2/

I just found these two links (seems like one long article posted in two parts) on Barbara Steffens' website. It's encouraging to see change happening! (the "co-addict" label is mentioned, too)


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thought that's been rattling around in my head lately:
"I wish this was just a regular divorce. I wish that this was just a situation where my husband was a dick and cheated on me & that was that. I wish my husband was not also a sick, mean SOB sex addict with an eye for teen porn, causing me to worry for the safety of our children."

I have been consumed by this thought for nearly six months now. (Wednesday marks six months since D-Day when STBX left this house.)

Divorcing a SA is so fricking hard. It's really hard to tell friends and your L that your children can't do visitation at STBX's house - because you don't know where he lives. Or that you don't want your children to meet OW because she's a sick, depraved sex addict with no boundaries. That you can't let your children out of your sight even when they're with their own father. That you don't really know what he's capable of now - or what he might end up doing in the future. That he might die or end up as a headline on the Drudge Report, "Lawyer Found Naked and Dead in Hotel Room."

I think of all the normal divorces when the dad has an affair, moves into a nearby apartment, takes the children a few nights a week, and sends enough money for everyone to get by in some way.

I've been reading all the posts here about co-addiction, and I'm amazed at how much work and thought has gone into them. I'm sort of just keeping my head above water now, interviewing a new attorney on Tuesday, and so really can't manage any sort of self-examination right now. Hopefully with time I'll manage to figure it all out and how I got here in this miserable place.

I'm probably going to be in therapy for decades after this. Thanks a lot, STBX.

Anyhow, HUGS to all.
-ChoosingHope (I love typing the name because it does remind me of how far I've come in these six months, despite my miserable posts!)


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, honey -- I sent you a PM.

Hugs, sweetie...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
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