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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE; masturbation. Our sex life was NON EXISTENT. Truly. He claimed ED. I claim BS. He just had a sex life and expected me to suck it up.

My doctor (thinking it was ED and being told he wasn't interested in helping me out in other ways) told me to "use it or lose it" That orgasm was healthy and necessary to my mental and physical health. It certainly didn't become a chronic thing, but sure did help. Sadly, most of my fantasies were of times past with SAWH...

Now? I am sexless. No desire, and if I try, no results. He, they, it, took that away from me.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH mentioned several times that I should feel free to masturbate as needed, that his sobriety/etc should not impact me. He was trying to make it sound like he wasn't granting me permission per se, that he was just cool with it, but really, how can you say something like that and not sound like that. Anyway, each time I just totally dismissed the topic, saying you don't need to think about that at all, you have other priorities in your healing and our healing. Honestly, IMHO, until they are in active recovery, gotten far enough in that etc its none of their business and it should not have any effect on them.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll reply with my tmi moment...

He doesnt care if I do it, or ask.

But mostly I want to "save" it for doing with him because I feel it helps in connecting, and maybe its more fun that way. But for one thing, I think my sex life is ruined. And another thing, I think I would LIKE him to want me to save it for him. I feel like he might be relieved to not have to have sex with me at all.
Having a bad day.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting Kat. Our sex life was non-existent too. And now of course I know that he uses lots and lots and LOTS of viagra (purchased illegally) for his SA.

I've always wondered about whether other SAs take viagra or if was just my STBX???

In those 2000 pages of texts that I read, OW repeatedly praised STBX's sexual prowess and power, etc. I sat there in disbelief because she's obviously delusional. Or a big liar. Or both. To this day, the thought of those two very fat, ugly, middle-aged people performing their dangerous sex stunts just makes physically sick. YUCK!

Okay, that's MY TMI moment for today. I'm going to be in therapy forever.



Posts: 1421 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, Im sad to read that you have felt unwanted for so long that you lost all desire. Its not fair, what is taken from us.

And you, Hope.
As for the OW, well she surely is a liar, she proved that. Little OT, I recall someone posting about imagining their WH and his AP having sex like a Benny Hill episode. Have to say when I read what you wrote that benny hill theme song popped in my head. Just trying to bring something light to the conversation!

And to answer your q, mine didnt take V that I know of, but god knows what kind of tips and hints he has researched. I do know that some SA do use V and other erection increasing drugs. You arent alone.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that he took something that I valued in a spiritual and loving way and used it in such a perverted and twisted manner! I used to LIKE sex. I wasn't particularly experienced or talented despite being a 70's girl, but I LOVED the closeness and the intimacy. During his acting out, with the very clear exception of one memorable year when he was feeling good about himself, our sex life got worse and worse and less and less frequent. It was as though it was a battle and I was the enemy. Well, that makes sense, because I WAS the enemy in every single f-ing thing in his life...not the whores who took his money or gave me an STD.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know Im half crazy these days but I just rememebered somebody asking a page or two ago about filling out a sexual questionaire for the CSAT.

To answer that, no, I never filled out one of those, and I dont think my h has either. I also dont think his csat does a good job, so maybe the quesionaire is not atypical.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((Kat)))))))))))


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sK)))


No spouse should have their own sexuality impacted in such a way. That's awful.

As for us, he doesn't masturbate alone, ever. We share that activity as part of our sex life. If I feel like masturbating when he isn't around, I will, but I don't tell him about it.

Re: questionnaire

I've never heard of such a thing. Obviously that doesn't mean much, but I'd definitely ask him what the purpose was and if was to be kept strictly confidential. I did fill out a questionnaire about how I've been emotionally affected by SAWH's behaviors and addictions. I was told that it's a survey collecting data for Stephanie Carnes (Patrick Carnes' daughter).


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH bought Viagra illegally & used it for his SA. When I discovered his stash (totally by accident), I confronted him immediately. At first he claimed it was for us. I told him that was bullshit, he never made any moves on me ever, and furthermore, some of the pills were missing from the bottle so if it was for US, then why hadn't I been the beneficiary of them?

So then he claimed he'd taken the pills ahead of time to see how they would affect him. I again told him that was bullshit.

So then he finally admitted that he used them to enhance his computer porn masturbation experience. Now THAT I believed!

I flushed the pills down the toilet.

I've wondered if he's been taking them again because he's been complaining about his ears ringing, and his hearing has been diminishing rapidly. I understand that long-term Viagra use (as well as the other ED pills) can cause hearing loss. My assumption - because I've learned to go with every negative assumption since they always prove to be true - is that he's used Viagra to the point where he's now going deaf.

And no, he never made a move on me. Which is just as well, since the thought of being sexual with him would make me vomit, considering all the abuse he heaped on me.

As for masturbation, many years ago, before we had children, when we were still newlyweds, in fact, he would often not be in the mood when I initiated sex. After a lot of pestering on my part he admitted that he'd taken care of himself. So then I asked him how he'd feel if I took care of myself & then wasn't available for him. His response was a very breezy & lighthearted dismissal, stating that he wouldn't care at all, I should do whatever I wanted to do, it didn't concern him, he wouldn't worry about it.

Thanks a lot, ASSHOLE!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8725 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I discovered his stash (totally by accident), I confronted him immediately. At first he claimed it was for us. I told him that was bullshit, he never made any moves on me ever, and furthermore, some of the pills were missing from the bottle so if it was for US, then why hadn't I been the beneficiary of them?
So then he claimed he'd taken the pills ahead of time to see how they would affect him. I again told him that was bullshit.

I could have written these very words. Unbelievable. NG - we've even had the same conversations with our STBX's. This is exactly how so many fights started in our home throughout the last several years.

Re: Questionnaire, no, I was never asked to fill one out by the CSAT. (I loved the CSAT and I have so much respect for him. He saw right through STBX - he was the only person in the entire world that wasn't fooled by STBX.)

DrivingPast, thanks for the song! At least we can all still laugh.

(((Kat)))

and (((Ghost)))


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it that so many of us, MARRIED TO SEX ADDICTS!, didn't have very much sex????

What the what???

Now, if we're talking BLOW JOBS, oh yeah, WH had plenty of those! Because those were his focus, what he needed, what he was addicted to. But sex where the boy parts meet the girl parts? Uh, not so much. In fact, WH couldn't even keep it hard the majority of the time. So that would require yet another f-ing blow job on my part to get it hard again, so that we could try the boy parts 'n girl parts again, which wouldn't work for very long...

Unless we're talking about the times when he'd stay hard for waaaaay too long and literally fuck me until I was begging him to stop, only he wouldn't stop but keep going until I was crying with pain and sore for days afterwards. Because, as he would tell me, "I know what I'm doing". Uh, no you don't?!?!

WHY ARE SEX ADDICTS SO FREAKIN' LOUSY IN BED????? Shouldn't there be some side benefit of being married to a sex addict? COME ON!!! I used to love to have sex! Besides the icky co-dependent, messed-up part in my head, I thought sex was wonderful!

I know there's a stand-up comedy routine in here somewhere...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8725 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting topic, Ladies. Wow, the similarities never end! When SAWH was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2009, he claimed the docs gave him "cialis" and told him to use it pre-surgery" for a better outcome. Hahaha...I never even questioned it (dumb bunny). Interestingly, this is about when our sex life ended -- AND he moved into another bedroom to sleep better.

What I most resent about this is his claim (to anyone who will listen) that I refused to have sex with him. WTF??? I was in bed at night masturbating to fulfill my own needs. He had no interest in me. Zero.

I foolishly assumed his prostate cancer and treatments killed HIS desire. Little did I know he was a very, very busy boy from 2009 onward...

Interesting about the side effects - my H is practically deaf now. I assume cialis has similar side effects??? Ha, I learn something new here everyday!

Keep praying for me, sisters. My son went to his appointment and they recommended a 28 day inpatient program. He said he won't go. My Stepdad is now home and dying with my disabled mother. I split their caretaking duties with a home health aide and I'm about to lose my mind.

I may not be around much, but I'll pop in when I can.

Love to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless we're talking about the times when he'd stay hard for waaaaay too long

Viagra.

Sorry, I hit send too soon. Ghost, I hope your son can be convinced to change his mind. Twenty-eight days of treatment would be so good for him. I meant to tell you that I had an old high school friend who did a four-week treatment for alcohol. It was at least five years ago, and she hasn't had any alcohol since then.
(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:42 AM, March 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, just now you & your son came to the front of my mind. So I'm holding you both up in my thoughts.

(((((GHOST & SON))))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8725 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scartyKat said:

Now? I am sexless. No desire, and if I try, no results. He, they, it, took that away from me.

That describes me perfectly. In fact, because of this SA revelations, I'm actually a bona fide prude about sex. I think of it as dirty, disgusting and off limits; almost as if I was Amish etc. I was never like that; I was one who thought as the Bible says, ""the marriage bed is undeflied'. so anything went. Such a sad descent to what I feel now. But strangely enough, I am content with that. I have decided to stay, as I said in a much earlier post, because I am almost 60 and I do not want to live in a cardboard box in my old age. I want his pension; I want his life insurance. And he is quite a pleasant companion. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. And that's my lot in life and I really do appreciate it. It could be so much worse, so I do not mourn too much. Oh yeah, I do at times, but I reflect on what could be and I am content. Not happy but content!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning ladies.

I wanted to throw in before I forget I never took a survey for sexual activity, but I did take the one Sabina mentioned, the results of the SA trauma to the spouse, for Stephanie's Carne's research. It was illuminating how it showed me how far I have come, but how far I have to go.

I have to admit I get sad when this topic comes up, here, in S-Anon, in group therapy. There is always so much commonality in everyone's stories. Dwindling or nonexistent sex life, they discover the drugs or sexual activity being used outside the marriage, lose faith and desire in sex with their partner (or anything sexual at all). The attack on the self esteem, etc. My heart aches every time I hear it.

But I don't relate to a lot of it. And it makes me question if I am in denial, or if there is something ELSE wrong with me I don't know about.

His SA did not affect our sex life directly while I didn't know. We had sex frequently, most of the time. When we had dry spells, it was usually driven by something else. We did't have sex last trimester of each pregnancy or the first two months post (also not "normal" compared to others which further bothers me) for example, because it's too awkward, sometimes painful, and one or both of us was exhausted. We'd have a dry spell here and there otherwise because he was acting like an ass and I didn't want to, not exactly witholding sex but more like because you are an ass I don't want to be in the same room as you. But the majority of the time it was all about finding the opportunity to have more sex because our lives didn't allow for it more than once or twice a week most of the time.

So obviously it was a big shock to have DDay. I had sex with him the night before, and we had it regularly despite his bouts of assholiness. The level of activity WE had was never a factor of doubt in my mind.

He did use ED pills, but since I made it clear years ago I didn't want him to use them with me, because it did not enhance *our* experience and I don't like all the health risks. It never crossed my mind to stipulate I never wanted him to use them AT ALL, never thought I would have to. So finding them, was more of a betrayal in knowing I didn't approve and he did it anyway on the sly (primarily for masturbation, but probably hookers too IDK or care) and didn't bother to discuss with me WHY he felt the need to spend thousands of dollars on ED drugs that were not safe or technically legal with the consent of a real doctor or his wife.

I have not ever felt inadequate as a wife or sex partner. I have never been jealous of porn (it is bad fiction at best, not remotely real) or the hookers (I mean seriously, gross!). I have not lost my desire for sex or for him, even when I hated him I still wanted to. I felt incredibly STUPID for wanting to, WTH kind of person would want that after what he had done? I of course feel betrayed, question his ability to love (not me, in general), mourn the life I thought I had, etc. But the lack of sex we have now is not because I don't want to and certainly not because he doesn't want to. Because it has to be, for our healing, and I have to determine if it's in my best interest to ever resume it.

I feel so alone about this. Makes me totally doubt myself since it seems to be so far from the norm.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I have gotten to "know" you these past months. In so many ways it is obvious that you are a strong confident woman. I think that has helped you in so many ways. Those of us with horrible FOO issues are of course more impacted by the rejection of our SAWHs.

I, too participated in Stephanie Carnes survey. Her study on the long term effects on the spouses of SAs is chilling. But for those of us who have BTDT, no surprises.

I think your experience is somewhat lessened also by the behavior of your SAWH. Mine abused and blamed me. For every thing and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was undesirable. In his words, he cheated because he needed "a REAL woman." The fact that his criticism echoed the rejection of my mother is an irony that is not funny and one that will never leave me.

I truly don't know if I will ever be able to heal from this and get ME back. I SO SO want to.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where can I find a copy of this Carnes survey? Or whatever survey y'all are talking about? I'd like to read through the questions, because doing stuff like that helps me reflect on myself & heal.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8725 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature,

I found it:

http://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/PSS/index.php

I have a lot of work and healing still to do.


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Aug 2010
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