This was not what I expected for my life - obviously. None of us did.
I'm incredibly sad for my children, and overwhelmed about how I'm going to compensate for the next 16 or so years for the fact that my children don't have a dad. And when I see his Craigs List ads, I know that I could never make any other decision for myself and my kids.
I'm sure you're at work by now. Good luck today. As for everything else, I can completely understand. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you need to do things at your own pace and in a way that makes the most sense for you in your current situation. This is not easy stuff. It's heartbreaking and sucks the life out of you.
Let go of what he claims he hears. There is no way you can change that. When he begins to rage at you walk away. Go into another room and lock the door. Simply tell him you won’t tolerate abusive behaviors. Then back it up. If he persists, follows you, bangs on the door, etc. Leave. Or call the police. It’s vital that he recognizes that you won’t tolerate abuse and that he’s over the line. As far as how long this will take, each addict is unique. They’re trying to break a strong behavior pattern. It takes time. Lots of time. That’s why it’s incredibly important that you show him that his behaviors are unacceptable. And back that up with consequences.
I do what you describe frequently, so don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’ve maintained what (IMO) is as the clearest boundary- not having sex with him. I think FP is right. Start looking for another job. It’s said that it’s easier to find another job while you’re already employed. I know that my job is often what keeps me going. Hugs honey. Post tonight after work.
As for me-
I recognize that SAWH told me the truth (and I verified) about two very important fidelity related things, so I stepped back and took a hard look at me. I allowed myself to fall down the rabbit hole of obsession and neglectful behaviors and I need to get back on the right track. So I’m refocusing on myself. My unrelenting negative attitude just isn’t good for me. SAWH was very very angry with me- and suddenly I was on the receiving end of attitudes just like mine towards him. Consequences of stepping over the line; and I’m truly contrite. At first he didn’t believe me- BTDT- on the opposite side. It was tough, painful. And I feel like I need to make some internal changes. For my sake.
I don’t want to be a constantly negative shrew who’s never happy, who only sees and believes the dark motives. That isn’t me. Giving myself a break, giving SAWH the benefit of the doubt, trust but verify, doesn’t hurt me. I can and must step back, detach for my own health. I changed my work availability so that I’m off earlier in the evening and I’m able to attend Wednesday night S-Anon meetings now. It isn’t my home group, but I’m happy to be able to go. Earn more chips. My life is unmanageable. In the last week my eating has gone to sh!t. I just need to pull myself together.
Edited to add:
ChoosingHope said: you need to do things at your own pace and in a way that makes the most sense for you in your current situation
Thanks Hope, I really needed to hear that today.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 8:16 AM, April 2nd (Monday)]
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Sabrina, I'm sorry for your struggles. It is so incredibly difficult to NOT be a shrew after all you have experienced. Forgive yourself, hon - and keep on plugging.
Needed 2 anti-anxiety pills to return to my job today. My boss basically punished me for my 3 week absence by changing my schedule and giving me crap hours. My best clients have been shifted to my co-workers and I'm basically being made to start over. I can't handle it.
I asked my boss if laying me off was a possibility so I can collect unemployment. She brightened at this idea and said she would contact HR to see if it was feasible. Bitch.
I don't know what to do. My family needs me now, but I need some income. Husband continues to reassure me he will take care of me. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.
My Stepdad's death is imminent. He is fading fast and we have no idea what to do with my disabled mother. It's all heartbreaking and overwhelming. I can't think straight anymore.
Thanks for the support all! I hold each one of you in my heart and prayers everyday. Stay strong, sisters. No doubt about it, being partners of an SA just SUCKS!
Hope, I hope he was served papers and it went ok. I know you want this to be over quickly. And I totally understand your fears about the future. ((Hugs))
Sabina, when you are beaten down by this, you are going to pick up some bad traits as part of the survival process. Learning to undo them is part of the healing. You are doing great in my book.((Hugs))
(((Ghost))) I hope they can lay you off. That would honestly be the best solution, give you some financial security while you take time to do what you need to do. If not, you know even just part time hourly work short term is better than losing your mind. If they can't lay you off, just quit. You can explain on your resume and in your job search the circumstances in your life necessitated you to quit. There is no shame in that.
I had quite a week. Let me put it in a different post so this one isn't too long.
My unrelenting negative attitude just isn’t good for me
you need to do things at your own pace and in a way that makes the most sense for you in your current situation
I am constantly amazed at the level of wisdom you give. Despite the batch of crap life has handed you, you manage to live with grace and intelligence. I fear I will sound sexist, but I do ascribe to the theory that says, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime'? Well, if you teach a woman to fish, she'll feed the whole village." We take care of OUR villages. Sometimes to the detriment of our own health.
Ghost. He's said it. Again and again. Lawyer up. I know you have said he's run the finances into the ground, but maybe there are things you don't know about. Get it in writing that he'll take care of you. And job hunt. Aggressively. You CANNOT keep doing what you are doing and stay sane. And if they fire you? Well, my DS is eligible for unemployment, and they had a valid reason for firing him, so why wouldn't you? I know it isn't as much money as you make, but it's not bupkus, as they say. And leaning on him at a time of need? Hell! It's about time!!!! Lean! As Sabina said, you maintained the important boundary.
Ah, Choosing, I am in awe of your strength, dear one. PLEASE make sure you are taking time for a bubble bath or a walk or some quiet time. What a drain it must be.
And FP, I, too, dealt with a Rager. And I echo Sabina. Leave the area. Of course you couldn't get out of the car, but don't give the spoiled brat an audience.
And me, I continue my path of anger and righteous indignation that is doing nothing but make my life and that of my (trying hard) SAfWH miserable. Every night I go to sleep DETERMINED to have a better day and live in the present and not dwell on ancient history and count my blessings and CHOOSE happiness and yadda yadda yadda and each day I still do just the opposite. I am just plain ANGRY.
I truly don't know if I will ever get over this, or how I can get over this. He is now the husband I wanted. But my marriage was a lie for 20 years. I feel cheated.
I came to pretty quickly, and luckily I was on carpet so no injuries. I figured out pretty fast if I stayed completely upright, the room stopped spinning. It was Crazy Hair Day at school, and we had just finished spraying their hair with stinky colored hair spray, and I figured that was the culprit. The faster I get out of the house and in the fresh air, the better I'd be, right?
Well, no. We only live two blocks from the school, and that quite frankly was the scariest ride ever. I came home afterward, still dizzy and fighting the spins, with a 3yo boy tornado buzzing all around me. Called SAWH, who was about to get on the shuttle to work from the auto shop where he left the car to be serviced. I told him what happened, that he needed to be on standby in case the dizziness did not stop by the time he got to work.
I honestly don't remember the next 20 minutes. All I know is SAWH came in the front door (he got a coworker to take him back to our house immediately upon getting there), and he said let's go, you are going to the hospital.
By the time I got to the hospital, the spinning was a lot less severe and less frequent, but I still was a hot mess. They did the EKG, examined me, and decided it was garden variety vertigo. That I didn't show any symptoms of the scary things that can cause this (stroke, brain hemorrage, etc) and didn't need a CAT scan, MRI, bloodwork or anything. The doc told me all the benign reasons this could happen, that went right over my dizzy head and the nurse told me after he left, 9 times out of 10 it was some sort of swelling, often like a ear or sinus infection, that was the culprit in cases like mine. She told me the meds he prescribed (Antivert) would fix me right up, but they took a while to work and would knock me out. She was right on both counts. They let me go home after being their about three hours.
So I spent the next two days on the meds, which helped but limited my consciousness. I didn't fight it, I needed the rest. SAWH took the kids to and from school, made sure they ate breakfast and dinner, that they had lunch money. The 3YO was happy his zombie mama didn't care if he spent most of the day watching TV/playing Wii/playing on the computer. Then he got into the ant traps while I was asleep , and I decided I should wean off the meds and see how I do without them. Third and fourth day were shaky, but manageable. I read up on maneuvers for vertigo, and figured out how to stop the spinning when it started, and what the triggers were so I could try to prevent it from starting. Still every day felt like I was hung over.
It's now day seven and I feel almost normal. Have an appointment tomorrow with an ENT to see if I do have an inner ear infection or sinus issue contributing to this, or what else is wrong with me. It was the earliest appointment I could get. Drove myself to group therapy without issues today. Found out the results of a PTSI survey we all took based on our childhood, and it was eye-opening.
Basically I also have really high marks in the compartmentalization arena too (as does SAWH). And high marks in the betrayal bond (? I think that is what it was), basically saying I am still loyal to those that betray or otherwise hurt me. And then there was another one I had high marks in, I forget what it's called but it's like I'm a duck on a pond, cool/calm/collected/nonreactive on the outside but paddling like a crazy fool underneath. Which was odd, since the compartmental one says I tend to explode at people. Whatever. Anyway, having high marks with these usually means there was child abuse/molestation/neglect, which I have none.
So what does it mean? I probably did not attach/bond to one or both parents properly. Ouch. Affects my ability to have good relationships with anyone. Ouch. Will probably repeat with my kids. Triple ouch. I have stuff I'm supposed to read that will make all of this make more sense. Gah.
Not the ton of bricks you want to be hit with when you are still struggling with vertigo. But I'll survive. At least I have a path to follow now, and a little bit of understanding of who I am and where I came from. More than I did a week ago, for sure. Babysteps.
What does ptsi survey stand for? I wonder if its online anywhere. Gosh, the more I hear about other therapists the more I feel mine is lacking.
Just to update you guys, Ive separated, at least temporarily.
The PTSI thing I took, I believe it is in the beta testing phases so not readily available yet. Like I said, my therapist/center is hooked into the Carnes camp, so they often get to preview stuff before it goes public.
So the verdict on me is...virus. I went to an ENT in the new neighborhood, and was the 6th patient he saw that day with the same vertigo virus symptoms. Evidently the ER in the new neighborhood the few days before I went down like a sack of bricks was full of people like me. I had gone to an ER in my current neighborhood, so they did not have the influx of vertigo, at least at the time. So I picked up a virus in the new neighborhood and it should completely go away in 6 weeks, and is about 80-90% gone now. The idea that there was an ER full of people like me, falling and puking right and left sounds like a scene out of a horror movie. I'm glad I was not there, LOL. But I'm fine.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:06 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]
My latest - this morning on the way to work I had an appointment to drop off my car at the mechanics - for long overdue service. My car was seriously dangerous, but with all that's been going on, I just couldn't find the time to get it there.
A few miles from my destination, some jackass cuts abruptly in front of me. I lay on my horn and brakes - and BAMMM - I get rear ended by a small truck. I had my seatbelt on, but I hit my head on the sun visor. Mind you, this on on a busy highway during a.m. rush hour traffic. We risk our lives exchanging information. My car still runs, so I continue on and call my WH to meet me at the mechanic's.
WH drives me to work, comes in with me, and I'm having a panic attack. Bitch boss says "go to the ER and get checked out." She probably wouldn't have said this if WH wasn't there. So I left. On the way to the ER, my mother calls me frantic to say Stepdad was rushed to the hospital after falling and she needed me at her house ASAP.
Just got home from staying at Mom's for six hours. No hospital visit for me. Docs are keeping Stepdad overnight for dehydration.
This is too long already so I won't get into all the other details -- but WTH??? Is this really my life????
I am so so tired, can't write anymore. Love and hugs to all...
God, Ghost...there has to be an end to all this bad news for you...I wish I could be there in real life to help you...
Sabina, I'm not on any meds. At all. I don't even like to take Motrin or Tylenol. Yeah, I know, I should be on a variety of meds for stress, anxiety, depression, to sleep, etc due just from being a spouse of a SA and survive infidelity, but I am just anti-med in general as much as I can get away with it. I'm not as concerned now knowing so many people got it this week, and I am grateful my symptoms were not as bad as most.
SK, my therapist got on me immediately to see someone, she was one of those bad scenarios from misdiagnosed vertigo also. If for some reason I don't act right and take care of myself, she will call me on it.
In the beginning, his porno use really bothered me. Then I just accepted it. I found it creepy, but accepted it was just part of his life. We normalized it.
Two weeks ago I found out he had a long-term PA with a co-worker. I was broken up, even though we'd been having problems. But he expressed remorse, and we attended our first session of couples' therapy yesterday. Things were looking up. I hadn't really labelled him as a sex addict for some reason.
Yesterday I was snooping and found a blog he was wrting during our unhappy times...it was basically a diatribe about how unhappy his life is. How I make no effort sexually, I don't know how to live, was there even a point to it. Then he went on to mention three women, one the OW, one his "best friend" at work and another one who's been a confidant to him. He went on and on about Sharon, his best friend at work, did she feel the same way he did, no one had ever made him feel that way. Should he tell her... His mumblings were all pot-induced.
I was devastated. I freaked out, called him at work a million times. When he finally got the message he came home immediately. i shoved him, screamed at him, cried. He apologized, says his blog was merely a fantasy world, nothing serious. After hours or talking, he admitted he's a sex addict. He said he needs to research the next steps. I said if he goes in therapy and finds a new job, we could make it work. We love each other, but there have been SO many things over the years. So many lies. So much secrecy and his double life.
I'm scared he's just saying he's sorry to try and win me back. He doesn't want to lose his family. I don't want to lose him either, but I can't live with an SA anymore. It's too hard. It's too devastating.
Is it possible for a true sex addict to heal himself just by sheer force of will?
I am going to have to say NO. A true addict of any kind really needs professional help. In the case of a SA, IMHO that means weekly IC with a CSAT, at least two 12 step meetings a week to start, and if possible weekly group therapy as well. It requires rewiring of ALL the circuits, and undoing the FOO issues, which you cannot do on your own. Yes, there are self-help things to assist with that journey but without the guidance of professionals to get them to realize what addiction entails, get a recovery plan in place, and a relapse plan in place, there is no chance for recovery.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 3:02 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]