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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong Ladies,

Am I glad I found you!! I've been going out of my mind with no place to vent my frustrations on this sick bizarro turn in my life. I found out in January 2012 that my SAWH has been leading a secret life of porn, masturbating, cyber sex, PA, ONS, and g-d knows what else throughout most of our seven year marriage. I could go into a lot more detail, because I was "lucky" enough to find A LOT of e-mails!
The last few months have been a huge struggle for me. I would have left him if it weren't for the kids, 2 and 5. Tomorrow we head into a 3 day therapy intensive. Scared out of my mind. He has to give me a full disclosure and after he will take a polygraph. It's hard to prepare myself for what's about to happen. How much more am I going to find out? What will it all mean? Will I survive another round of BS? He's really hit the ground running on recovery. SAA meetings twice a week and once a week with a therapist. Part of me wants to believe that he is serious, but most of me feels that he'll never change. Wish me luck!!


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength and Light to you MR. There are many positive signs working in your favor, he is seeking the only kind of help that has the possibility of helping him, and you are getting the answers early. Most of us would have been spared years off heartache if we had had that up front.
Learn as much as you can, look on the first page of this thread, and post here. We may vent, too, but we can listen. And I strongly digest you find a 12 step group for you...

*****(((((((((((MR)))))))))))))*****


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome MyReality. Sorry you have to be here, but you are in good company.

So I have a question for you ladies. What TV/movies do you restrict and for how long with your SA?

Here's the thing. He doesn't watch overtly sexual stuff as much as he can. But of course, most TV or movies aimed at adults will have some sort of sexual references and imagery in them, so you can't totally avoid it. Last week, the therapist said he couldn't live in a bubble, just avoid the obvious stuff.

This week, however, SAWH mentioned some trigger/shame he felt with watching Game of Thrones with me. It's like any other HBO original series, it will have sporadic sexual content, more intense than network TV, but it is more background noise while giving back story or plot points than a gratuitous sex scene. Sometimes an episode will have a couple of scenes a few minutes long, sometimes none at all, and the way the story is written you don't know when those scenes may pop up.

So SAWH the therapist said we are risking his recovery watching this stuff at all. That in early recovery (first couple of years) you should avoid as much of that as possible. It would be like me drinking a cocktail in front of a newly sober alcoholic. He questioned why we would record/watch it anyway, with kids in the house. SAWH explained we have parental controls on our DVR, the kids can't watch anything but G rated stuff without the password, we only watch non G stuff when they are asleep, including more mundane stuff like CSI, etc because of the graphic violence, and they can't sneak up on us while watching it because of the layout of our home. We don't watch things like Hung, or shows that center around sex.

SAWH says he understands what the therapist is saying, but on the other hand the therapist isn't familiar with the shows we watch, and only has one 3YO child (no offense, but those of you with multiple /older/grown children know what I mean) so his perspective is different. SAWH said it sounds like he's now saying we basically can't watch most TV/movies aimed at adults at all, and he doesn't know if that's feasible or necessary.

So what say you, ladies? How do you draw the line? Am I going to have to watch Game of Thrones alone? Not go to movies with him any more? Like I said, we are not watching overt stuff, but it's everywhere.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re tv sex-

I put parental controls on the tv, any sexual content has been a huge trigger. All tv MA is blocked & tv14 with sexual content/themes is blocked. AFAIC, it's a good policy. I don't feel like playing with fire & for me, risking my addict's triggers isn't worth it. We've each very strong family histories of alcohol & substance abuse. I feel that the AA mantra of 'not even one sip/drink' also applies to SA. So I'm very very careful of the sexual content of what we watch. It's the price we pay. I really don't feel like missing/censoring a few tv shows puts a crimp in our lifestyle.

My .2; YMMV.


Happy Easter to all~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friends, posting from my kindle. Spelling and punctuation are bound to be hinky...
Just returned from a few days at the beach. When we left we were fighting, upon return we resumed. The topic...why the hell isn't HE mad at his two PA partners, one of whom I got an STD from and who called me names and the other who caused me considerable embarassment because of her broadcast of their affair in my town where I live abd teach and am pretty well known and very respected and loved? I get that it was him that broke his vows, blah blah, but skank 1 apparently gave him a sob story and he didn't think he needed condoms. Of course I am the one who got the abnormal PAP...
His anger toward me all those years was palpable. For all kinds of non reasons. I, being the good little codependent daughter of an alcoholic tried to fix everything. And he still went off to be admired by and to admire scores of skanks. Is it wrong of me to want to hear some of that anger directed towards someone other than me?. Someone who desrves it?
This weekend we did the things we like to do. It was hard to realize that our marriage could have been a good, no a GREAT one because we do like so many of the same strange things.And now he is pissed with me because I had a total hissy fit meltdown. Oh I guess I should be used to his anger. He wants to know if I have any hope. I do not even know if I will feel like getting out of bed tomorrow. Hope is a feeling I do not dare allow myself. Far too risky. He wants to know what we should do next. Well Buster, you ran this ship aground YOU dig it out. I was the fix it all woman for 32 years and that didn't go so well.
He wants to know if I love him. I dont know. I don't think I can afford to love anyone right now. I certainly don't love myself.
Most of my marriage has been a lie. I have wasted my whole life...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:50 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Kat, honey, I'm so sorry. Yes, I think it's reasonable to expect him to finally direct some anger towards his AP's. Whether you have a well-deserved meltdown or not, he has no right to get angry at you, after you offered him the precious gift of reconciliation. I'll save my "lovely" weekend experience for another day. Chin up, sweetie. You are an incredible, beautiful person. Don't let the jerk get you down!

Reality~ welcome to our group and hugs to you, hon.

Love and peace to all my sisters here...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to know if I love him. I dont know. I don't think I can afford to love anyone right now. I certainly don't love myself.

((((SK)))) I so understand this. Holding you in the light...hang in there.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, thanks for your 2c on the tv/movies. If your DH is willfully avoiding it, that says a LOT. IDK, maybe I am being naive but everyone has always said from the get-go that SA is similar to food addiction, you can't totally abstain and have to learn to reintegrate it into your life in a more appropriate way. But maybe not this early in recovery. Gah. I know it sounds selfish, but dammit after taking care of littles all day, when they go to bed I am totally exhausted and burnt out on all things rated G and just want to chill with adult TV. Not sexy TV necessarily, but something aimed at grownups, which usually has some sexual content by default.

I'll talk to MY therapist about it (so I'm not getting any info secondhand through a SA filter, LOL) and see what she suggests. I've already given up so much in the name of recovery. If I have to eat my cake over the sink when he's in the shower so to speak I guess it's better than not getting to have any cake at all.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
mephistopheles
♂ New Member
Member # 27375
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not mad, just sad, frustrated, and out of answers.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: NJ
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SK and I wish I could give you some answers about your husband.

The intensive we went through was the worst 3 days of my life. My SAWH do so many more disgusting and vile things than what I had even initially found!! Unprotected sex, prostitutes, that he missed or ignored work on several occasions to get his fix! He risked my life and health as well as our livelihood, the roof over our heads!! Who does that?! I get so many flashes in my head of his acting out and my body shakes uncontrollably...I can't seem to get them to stop. I was given a tool and I am trying to work it in when the flashes start. He gave his disclosure, but continued to lie by omission. Prior to taking the polygraph the rest came out. He passed the polygraph. So all his disgusting, perverted little secrets were out. I continue to pain shop with my need to know certain details about his acting out. He seems to hate women with some of the degrading things he's done to them. Wanted to act like a big porn star!! What woman likes being treated like that?! Little by little through the 3 days things seemed to click for him. He made some huge realizations about himself and what he has done, which I hope he continues to work on in therapy. He knows I appreciate all he has told me and I understand what he wants to become, but that I will believe it when I see it. I left our intensive feeling hopeful about my SAWH getting help and becoming a man of integrity. I also understand now that I have to disconnect and work on healing myself. We go back in 3 months for a follow up and another polygraph. I've decided to give the 12 step program a real shot this time, I'm no longer living in denial. This is my reality.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Frustrated  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs sK. I'm right there with you. The codep FOO leading to dysfunctional patterns as an adult, including in our nearly 25 year M. I'm right there with you. I continue chasing & chasing and expecting a different answer. I swear I can't believe how reluctant I am to break the old pattern and learn a new one.

I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread.J.R.R. Tolkein

This is me.


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I've been away for probably a week now, mostly just hiding from the world. Not for any specific reason, so don't worry. At first probably recovering from the arguments (there was another one when he got home from work that evening, also scary, in which he did everything in his power to manipulate me. I called him a bully and went to the other room. When he threw things, I ignored it), and then just trying to avoid everything and losing myself in reading.

Here's the good news. Talked with IC about WH's anger, and she said she's concerned for my safety. Which, I mean, I guess I am in the moment, but I tend to downplay it. Anyway, she suggested a certain way for me to negotiate time outs, by likening my need for them to a demand I made 5 years ago that he's actually always kept really well. So I did that, and he agreed. I have yet to see how it will work in the middle of a scary fight, but I have hopes. Also, my IC works with the CSAT, and she told me the CSAT does anger management group therapy in addition to the SA therapy, so WH is hopefully going to start going. And if he doesn't, well, I have a job out of state starting in May and I don't have to come back...


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((FP)) I'm glad you've got an out. The sitch with your SAWH sounds frightening. Please take care of yourself and good luck with the 'timeouts' during an argument. I hope they work.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not mad, just sad, frustrated, and out of answers.

(((mephistopheles))) Hang in there. It sucks to be in that place.

(((Myreality))) We have not had official disclosure yet. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Please be kind to yourself.

(((FP))) I just wanted to point out, if you haven't already heard this, that spouses of SAs tend to have issues determining needs from wants and thus deprive themselves from needs (total opposite of most SAs, who also can't determine wants from needs but HAVE to have everything all the time, right now). So you may not be able to recognize you are in danger and need to take precautions for your safety. Listen to your therapist, and plan accordingly. It is not failure to recognize you have weaknesses and need help with certain things - it is in fact progress.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO this is my latest snafu with my SAWH.

I have a Nook, as do my kids. I have a separate account for my Nook so my kids can't see all my SA-related books. I love having them there because I can read them stealthily any where I want.

SAWH has finally decided he needs to read more books related to his recovery. Wanted his own Nook. I suggested he register his under my account so he could read all the SA books I already have.

He has a newer version of the Nook, and when he fires it up he finds out through social networking features on it, that he can see all my Facebook friends nook-related activity. Meaning if they liked a book, if they recommended it, etc. He also finds out I have two (and only two LOL) actual Nook friends (as opposed to FB friends), which means I can see and share lending-enabled books with these two people. Which means those two people can see the last two SA-related books I bought because they are lending enabled (the others are not lending enabled).

Oops. I have an older Nook, and I didn't know you could see any of that. When I set up sharing with those two people a year ago, it was at a stage where you had to send your Nook Friend something for them to share the book, you couldn't see what they had. And since I had all the social networking features on my Nook turned off, I never saw that you could see other people's comments/recommendations or see what your Nook friends had available. And I've never commented on or recommended any books, so I have no history of that.

SAWH freaked out a bit, understandably. Here he was trying to set up his new Nook as his safe haven to read this stuff, and he finds out two people may know I have these books. He wasn't mad at me at all, it just kind of pulled the rug out from under him that he can't hide everything, and he can't control everything I guess.

Luckily the two people are people he's never met, that live far away, and don't know our friends or family. One of them knows about what's going on, because I wanted needed a few people that didn't know our circle of friends or family to be able to talk to in times of need. And know my full story if something happened to me, because at the time I told them I didn't know the scope of his problem and whether I was in danger if I stayed in the same house with him. The other perosn is an acquaintance I trade hobby resources with on occasion (and lately that has been infrequent at best) who I doubt I will ever cross paths in real life again. So I'm not freaked out about them knowing about the books, if they even do, but I can see how it would rattle SAWH.

I have since fixed it so no one can see my books, etc but I feel a little bad for SAWH. It's kind of like buying those books at the bookstore and running into one of his wife's friends for him, I guess. He knows it is a result of HIS choices and doesn't blame me at all, but I still feel bad about it. And a little scared of what other info about me Facebook is broadcasting I don't know about. I try to turn that stuff off as soon as I know, but it seems like every month I find out something new.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI all.

Not mad, just sad, frustrated, and out of answers.

Mephistopheles is MY SAfWH.

I'm pissed that he didn't let you know that when he posted. He can read here all he wants but he needs to identify himself. This is for SPOUSES.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 12:26 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooops SK. I had no idea. I generally don't look at the profiles of people when they post, I find it clouds what I read into it and what I would say. I just assumed he was a spouse. Gah. I guess nowhere is 100% safe, is it? (((SK)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He meant no harm. He is trying to figure out how I'm thinking. He doesnt know how to fix things. Right. Unfortunately, you can't unf@k a donkey. Or in his case, a chimpanzee. And a ferret...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:39 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<snort> That is possibly the funniest thing I've heard all day. Hugs SK. At least you still have your sense of humor.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This past week my mom & I had some good conversations after my kids went to bed. She reminded me of something that I had compartmentalized (because I'm such a damned co-dependent idiot, argh!!!!).

Have I shared with you how I used to catch *** looking at porn while my babies were infants? He'd be in the same room with them while they were in their crib sleeping, supposedly being a good dad & giving me a break, but instead viewing porn and I assume masturbating (why else do you view it, right?). I confronted him about this, but he always ignored me. WELL, I had apparently blocked the memory of something he'd done which took this activity even further into horrifying. According to my mom, I wrote her back then to tell about how I'd caught *** actually viewing porn and masturbating WHILE HOLDING ONE OF THE BABIES IN HIS ARMS/IN HIS LAP.

Mom told me she'd saved the email & will look for it & give it back to me. I do vaguely recall this incident, but unfortunately it blends in with so many other incidents, and it was during the infant stage when I was caring for my children by myself and also breastfeeding. My exhaustion level was beyond description, as are some of my memories.

Anyways, I wanted to share this with you as yet another example of why I want to protect the children from my WH. He is not a safe person to be around children. Whatever it is that's wrong with him cannot be fixed just by attending some support groups. I don't know that what's wrong with him CAN be "fixed.

I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again:

IF YOU ARE "WITH" A SEX ADDICT BUT DON'T HAVE CHILDREN YET, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THAT SEX ADDICT!!!

God help me, please God FORGIVE ME, for being so slow, so in denial, so unable to take action & protect my children!!! I pray he hasn't raped any of them or otherwise molested them.

You cannot know my shame right now. Yes, my eyes are opened now, but it's not just WH's sins I have to see.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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