Am I glad I found you!! I've been going out of my mind with no place to vent my frustrations on this sick bizarro turn in my life. I found out in January 2012 that my SAWH has been leading a secret life of porn, masturbating, cyber sex, PA, ONS, and g-d knows what else throughout most of our seven year marriage. I could go into a lot more detail, because I was "lucky" enough to find A LOT of e-mails!
The last few months have been a huge struggle for me. I would have left him if it weren't for the kids, 2 and 5. Tomorrow we head into a 3 day therapy intensive. Scared out of my mind. He has to give me a full disclosure and after he will take a polygraph. It's hard to prepare myself for what's about to happen. How much more am I going to find out? What will it all mean? Will I survive another round of BS? He's really hit the ground running on recovery. SAA meetings twice a week and once a week with a therapist. Part of me wants to believe that he is serious, but most of me feels that he'll never change. Wish me luck!!
So I have a question for you ladies. What TV/movies do you restrict and for how long with your SA?
Here's the thing. He doesn't watch overtly sexual stuff as much as he can. But of course, most TV or movies aimed at adults will have some sort of sexual references and imagery in them, so you can't totally avoid it. Last week, the therapist said he couldn't live in a bubble, just avoid the obvious stuff.
This week, however, SAWH mentioned some trigger/shame he felt with watching Game of Thrones with me. It's like any other HBO original series, it will have sporadic sexual content, more intense than network TV, but it is more background noise while giving back story or plot points than a gratuitous sex scene. Sometimes an episode will have a couple of scenes a few minutes long, sometimes none at all, and the way the story is written you don't know when those scenes may pop up.
So SAWH the therapist said we are risking his recovery watching this stuff at all. That in early recovery (first couple of years) you should avoid as much of that as possible. It would be like me drinking a cocktail in front of a newly sober alcoholic. He questioned why we would record/watch it anyway, with kids in the house. SAWH explained we have parental controls on our DVR, the kids can't watch anything but G rated stuff without the password, we only watch non G stuff when they are asleep, including more mundane stuff like CSI, etc because of the graphic violence, and they can't sneak up on us while watching it because of the layout of our home. We don't watch things like Hung, or shows that center around sex.
SAWH says he understands what the therapist is saying, but on the other hand the therapist isn't familiar with the shows we watch, and only has one 3YO child (no offense, but those of you with multiple /older/grown children know what I mean) so his perspective is different. SAWH said it sounds like he's now saying we basically can't watch most TV/movies aimed at adults at all, and he doesn't know if that's feasible or necessary.
So what say you, ladies? How do you draw the line? Am I going to have to watch Game of Thrones alone? Not go to movies with him any more? Like I said, we are not watching overt stuff, but it's everywhere.
I put parental controls on the tv, any sexual content has been a huge trigger. All tv MA is blocked & tv14 with sexual content/themes is blocked. AFAIC, it's a good policy. I don't feel like playing with fire & for me, risking my addict's triggers isn't worth it. We've each very strong family histories of alcohol & substance abuse. I feel that the AA mantra of 'not even one sip/drink' also applies to SA. So I'm very very careful of the sexual content of what we watch. It's the price we pay. I really don't feel like missing/censoring a few tv shows puts a crimp in our lifestyle.
My .2; YMMV.
Happy Easter to all~ Sabina
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:50 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]
Reality~ welcome to our group and hugs to you, hon.
Love and peace to all my sisters here...
He wants to know if I love him. I dont know. I don't think I can afford to love anyone right now. I certainly don't love myself.
((((SK)))) I so understand this. Holding you in the light...hang in there.
I'll talk to MY therapist about it (so I'm not getting any info secondhand through a SA filter, LOL) and see what she suggests. I've already given up so much in the name of recovery. If I have to eat my cake over the sink when he's in the shower so to speak I guess it's better than not getting to have any cake at all.
The intensive we went through was the worst 3 days of my life. My SAWH do so many more disgusting and vile things than what I had even initially found!! Unprotected sex, prostitutes, that he missed or ignored work on several occasions to get his fix! He risked my life and health as well as our livelihood, the roof over our heads!! Who does that?! I get so many flashes in my head of his acting out and my body shakes uncontrollably...I can't seem to get them to stop. I was given a tool and I am trying to work it in when the flashes start. He gave his disclosure, but continued to lie by omission. Prior to taking the polygraph the rest came out. He passed the polygraph. So all his disgusting, perverted little secrets were out. I continue to pain shop with my need to know certain details about his acting out. He seems to hate women with some of the degrading things he's done to them. Wanted to act like a big porn star!! What woman likes being treated like that?! Little by little through the 3 days things seemed to click for him. He made some huge realizations about himself and what he has done, which I hope he continues to work on in therapy. He knows I appreciate all he has told me and I understand what he wants to become, but that I will believe it when I see it. I left our intensive feeling hopeful about my SAWH getting help and becoming a man of integrity. I also understand now that I have to disconnect and work on healing myself. We go back in 3 months for a follow up and another polygraph. I've decided to give the 12 step program a real shot this time, I'm no longer living in denial. This is my reality.
“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread.J.R.R. Tolkein
This is me.
Here's the good news. Talked with IC about WH's anger, and she said she's concerned for my safety. Which, I mean, I guess I am in the moment, but I tend to downplay it. Anyway, she suggested a certain way for me to negotiate time outs, by likening my need for them to a demand I made 5 years ago that he's actually always kept really well. So I did that, and he agreed. I have yet to see how it will work in the middle of a scary fight, but I have hopes. Also, my IC works with the CSAT, and she told me the CSAT does anger management group therapy in addition to the SA therapy, so WH is hopefully going to start going. And if he doesn't, well, I have a job out of state starting in May and I don't have to come back...
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Not mad, just sad, frustrated, and out of answers.
(((mephistopheles))) Hang in there. It sucks to be in that place.
(((Myreality))) We have not had official disclosure yet. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Please be kind to yourself.
(((FP))) I just wanted to point out, if you haven't already heard this, that spouses of SAs tend to have issues determining needs from wants and thus deprive themselves from needs (total opposite of most SAs, who also can't determine wants from needs but HAVE to have everything all the time, right now). So you may not be able to recognize you are in danger and need to take precautions for your safety. Listen to your therapist, and plan accordingly. It is not failure to recognize you have weaknesses and need help with certain things - it is in fact progress.
I have a Nook, as do my kids. I have a separate account for my Nook so my kids can't see all my SA-related books. I love having them there because I can read them stealthily any where I want.
SAWH has finally decided he needs to read more books related to his recovery. Wanted his own Nook. I suggested he register his under my account so he could read all the SA books I already have.
He has a newer version of the Nook, and when he fires it up he finds out through social networking features on it, that he can see all my Facebook friends nook-related activity. Meaning if they liked a book, if they recommended it, etc. He also finds out I have two (and only two LOL) actual Nook friends (as opposed to FB friends), which means I can see and share lending-enabled books with these two people. Which means those two people can see the last two SA-related books I bought because they are lending enabled (the others are not lending enabled).
Oops. I have an older Nook, and I didn't know you could see any of that. When I set up sharing with those two people a year ago, it was at a stage where you had to send your Nook Friend something for them to share the book, you couldn't see what they had. And since I had all the social networking features on my Nook turned off, I never saw that you could see other people's comments/recommendations or see what your Nook friends had available. And I've never commented on or recommended any books, so I have no history of that.
SAWH freaked out a bit, understandably. Here he was trying to set up his new Nook as his safe haven to read this stuff, and he finds out two people may know I have these books. He wasn't mad at me at all, it just kind of pulled the rug out from under him that he can't hide everything, and he can't control everything I guess.
Luckily the two people are people he's never met, that live far away, and don't know our friends or family. One of them knows about what's going on, because I wanted needed a few people that didn't know our circle of friends or family to be able to talk to in times of need. And know my full story if something happened to me, because at the time I told them I didn't know the scope of his problem and whether I was in danger if I stayed in the same house with him. The other perosn is an acquaintance I trade hobby resources with on occasion (and lately that has been infrequent at best) who I doubt I will ever cross paths in real life again. So I'm not freaked out about them knowing about the books, if they even do, but I can see how it would rattle SAWH.
I have since fixed it so no one can see my books, etc but I feel a little bad for SAWH. It's kind of like buying those books at the bookstore and running into one of his wife's friends for him, I guess. He knows it is a result of HIS choices and doesn't blame me at all, but I still feel bad about it. And a little scared of what other info about me Facebook is broadcasting I don't know about. I try to turn that stuff off as soon as I know, but it seems like every month I find out something new.
Mephistopheles is MY SAfWH.
I'm pissed that he didn't let you know that when he posted. He can read here all he wants but he needs to identify himself. This is for SPOUSES.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 12:26 PM, April 9th (Monday)]
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:39 PM, April 9th (Monday)]
Have I shared with you how I used to catch *** looking at porn while my babies were infants? He'd be in the same room with them while they were in their crib sleeping, supposedly being a good dad & giving me a break, but instead viewing porn and I assume masturbating (why else do you view it, right?). I confronted him about this, but he always ignored me. WELL, I had apparently blocked the memory of something he'd done which took this activity even further into horrifying. According to my mom, I wrote her back then to tell about how I'd caught *** actually viewing porn and masturbating WHILE HOLDING ONE OF THE BABIES IN HIS ARMS/IN HIS LAP.
Mom told me she'd saved the email & will look for it & give it back to me. I do vaguely recall this incident, but unfortunately it blends in with so many other incidents, and it was during the infant stage when I was caring for my children by myself and also breastfeeding. My exhaustion level was beyond description, as are some of my memories.
Anyways, I wanted to share this with you as yet another example of why I want to protect the children from my WH. He is not a safe person to be around children. Whatever it is that's wrong with him cannot be fixed just by attending some support groups. I don't know that what's wrong with him CAN be "fixed.
I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again:
IF YOU ARE "WITH" A SEX ADDICT BUT DON'T HAVE CHILDREN YET, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THAT SEX ADDICT!!!
God help me, please God FORGIVE ME, for being so slow, so in denial, so unable to take action & protect my children!!! I pray he hasn't raped any of them or otherwise molested them.
You cannot know my shame right now. Yes, my eyes are opened now, but it's not just WH's sins I have to see.