I'm trying hard to frame this in my mind in the context of a new beginning.
Actually, I need to. I need support, and I'll be needing it badly next week, I'm sure.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Does H have any idea that it's coming?
He's been asking me a lot in the past week if there's anything I want to discuss, but I'm refusing. I can't. I can't do this. I can't have any more discussions. I can't make any more suggestions. I can't take any more accusations. I can't bear seeing him so tortured & miserable.
Bad conference call with WS and therapist today. Lots of anger and defensiveness from WS...I guess he is anxious about leaving Keystone.
I don't know what I want. I am so sad...
Will his "group" be there for him at all?
I'm thinking of you and your children.
His group has been no help whatsoever. However, people in our church have volunteered to step up & be support to both of us. I am gladly letting them help me shoulder this horrible burden. I'm praying he will, too. But as we all know, being the spouses of addicts 'n all, that addicts are so consumed with guilt & shame, reaching out for help is something many are unable to do. I want him to reach out & get help. As messed up as all this is, as much as he's hurt me & the children, I want only good things for him. I want him to find peace someday.
WS ~ I so am sorry you are sad. Sorrow and anger have been my constant companions since Dday. It's impossible to know what one wants -- it's like being on a seesaw. The defensive spouse certainly doesn't help matters. You'll be home soon. Keep us posted.
Hugs to all...
Am feeling crazy and codependent this morning. SAWH and I have had several actual conversations this week, believe it or not. I'm not sure I believe it myself, truthfully. I don't believe a word he says, there was nothing new said-just the presentation was more palatable- although my poor heart wants to soak up every word as gospel. If he told me the sky was purple I wouldn't believe him unless I saw it myself.
I find myself wanting to find a way to stay with him. I'm still conflicted because I *want to stay* but I know I can't, for my own safety and mental health I need to leave. But I'd rather stay, if there was a way to do so. A way to stay and not be hurt or anxious or a P.I. Unfortunately, there is no way to do this because it predicates my own behavior on his actions- codependency at its finest. I feel like such a putz.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Stay strong. Stay sane. Big hugs....
Then for a couple of years I was completely suppressing my emotions through a lot of ADs, anxiety meds & sleeping pills and I couldn't even deal with SI at all. That sounds terrible, I know. WH has been in plenty of IC and various group therapies, but I have refused most attempts of MC and have only done the minimum of IC as required by my doctor.
I guess you could say I just shut down completely because SA was absolutely too large for me to handle. I stayed with him because he has been remorseful and transparent and working diligently on himself and we have two young kids, so it just seemed easier.
I took a break from the medications and was flooded with so many fresh DDay emotions that I finally realized how poorly I have dealt with this situation. I am back on meds, but less of them and I'm ready to work on healing myself finally. I'm finding so much comfort in SI this time around and I've been checking out new ICs in order to find just the right fit.
Which brings me to the point of this post, have some of you dealt with a CSAT for your own healing? I found one nearby that has a program for the BS of a SA, which totally sounded intriguing to me, until I read the following statement about the last stage of healing for a BS:
• Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life
WTF?!? Really? Could there possibly be any gifts from the addiction? I mean clearly I am no where NEAR that stage of understanding because I have no freaking clue what could be viewed as a "gift" from this experience.
Thanks for listening.
Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin
A "gift" from a spouse's SA could be something like an appreciation for the brokenness in us all? An acknowledgement that we are all weak & broken on the inside?
Or, being glad that your eyes are finally opened & you see the world, including your marriage and your self, as it really is?
Or, admitting that finding the courage within yourself to make your life better - with or without your SA - was a good step in personal growth?
It's SO interesting that I have done something very similar to what my mother did to me when I was a teenager that has always bothered me. She sent me to IC to deal with MY problems, where I spent much of my time outlining the dysfunctional relationship I had with my mother. He tried so hard to get my mom into joint sessions with me, but finally exasperated, he said "I'm sorry, but your mom looks at you as if you're a broken clock that needs to be fixed, she wants no part in believing she has anything to do with your problems."
Wow, that just blew my mind making that association. When I learned the full history of WH's acting out I was very much "whoa, buddy, this is YOUR problem. You go deal with this, because YOU and only you are so F'ed Up. Don't ask me to get involved with YOUR recovery, I never did a damn thing to deserve this."
And off course I didn't deserve what happened, but he's really been trying so hard for three years to deal with his issues and also comfort me in anyway possible, and I have steadfastly refused him when he's asked me to attend MC.
Man, talk about turning into your own mother!!! I think I have something to talk about in IC and /or MC now!
NG - I like your "gifts."
On the other hand, my only gift is finding out that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I didn't receive this gift until my husband left me and my children for the OW/SA.
However, it's no gift that my children have lost their dad. That they have lost an intact family and will have to grow up too fast and grieve way before they should need to grieve. It's no gift to have your H lie to you, cheat on you, betray you over and over again, and expose you to terrible danger. It's no gift that so many children and young adults have learned about their dads' perverted behavior - or have watched their parents fight for years. It's no gift to be afraid to answer the door. No gift to feel like you can't even turn on the television without triggering. No gift to lose your home or to pull your children out of their school. No gift to watch the person you love deteriorate and change and lose their humanity and dignity. No gift to worry about the police arriving at your home with bad news - or to worry about your spouse committing suicide. No gift to discover where the money has gone - where the time has gone - what a waste.
I googled "gift of alcoholism" just to see what I would find, and I read a thoughtful essay about it. In short, through the pain, people can develop certain character traits and understandings about the human condition - things they couldn't possibly couldn't understand or feel without their own suffering.
Of course I would prefer for my children to avoid the suffering altogether, and just be normal kids like their friends, but that's impossible at this point.
And I also went back to re-read the previous threads and found this again:
But as we all know, being the spouses of addicts 'n all, that addicts are so consumed with guilt & shame, reaching out for help is something many are unable to do. I want him to reach out & get help. As messed up as all this is, as much as he's hurt me & the children, I want only good things for him. I want him to find peace someday.
I feel this too, so strongly. It's related to my aversion to all this suffering. I'm so tired of it. I don't wish my H any ill will at this point. (The OW is another story.) I just want to move this all along and protect myself and my children. And I want H to get help for himself at some point. He was an amazing person when I fell in love with him 18 years ago. He still has a lot of those character traits, but they're diminishing fast right now as the double life world has become his real world. What this addiction has done to him is heartbreaking, and I don't know how much further he can sink without something really really terrible happening to him.
I just exhausted by all of the pain and suffering this has caused.
Thanks for letting me vent tonight.
It's no gift that so many children and young adults have learned about their dads' perverted behavior
This sentence really strikes home. My ex is SA and his daughter, who is a young adult, has been through a lot over the years.
I never knew much of it until recently, when she told me that she was the one who discovered evidence of her father's numerous affairs on their home computer when her parents were married. She was in high school. She found her father's porn sites and saw the graphic pictures he was exchanging with multiple OW.
She made copies of everything and after a huge fight with her father when she caught him viewing porn, she gave the information to her mother, and her parents ended up divorcing.
Imagine going through all of that at the tender age of 17 and how that must have impacted her sense of security and her ability to trust. I cannot imagine how torn she must have felt as she prepared to tell her mother about her dad.
When I met her father, he told me his first marriage ended because his ex wife cheated on him - numerous times. I believed him. I later found that it was a lie. And then he cheated on me and I ended the marriage.
But it isn't like she can divorce her father. He is the only father she is ever going to have and she loves him. She worries about him. She is confused by his behavior and doesn't understand why he won't get help. She dreads what could happen to him in the future and has lived through so much drama as he has faced numerous serious consequences due to his behavior.
She is at an age where she should be having fun, dating, and exploring life and learning things on her own but she is spending her life consumed with worry about her dad.
Unfortunately, and I do know this is true because I was married to the man - he is not spending any time worrying about her. So, in many ways, she has become the parent and he has become the child.
Somer, your post supports the point. So sad.
NG, Kat, WS and Pink ~ thinking of each of you. Please let us know if you are doing okay.
Sending hugs and prayers to all...
So what gifts have been given to me? I was given the opportunity to address SA in our marriage earlier than later (if you call three years out of 13 earlier, LOL), and was given the strength to hit it head on and full force from the beginning.
It gave me the opportunity to see, despite all my careful planning, that I had set myself up to be completely financially dependent on WH. I fixed that. Because you know what, no matter what your sitch, that can never be a good thing.
It gave me the opportunity to see that I was compromising way too much in many areas of my life, not just with WH. I am fixing that now.
It gave me the opportunity to fix issues within myself, and prevent the repeat of some of the mistakes I was making with my children.
And I know we are in the "honeymoon" stage of early recovery, and I will likely be singing a different tune later time and time again, but I am still grateful for the opportunity that I am doing everything I can to help me, help him help himself, and give our marriage the best chance to survive. Even if I fail, I can feel good about doing everything in my power to make things right again, one way or another.
It's been a rough year, worst of my life. But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. No matter how it all pans out, it is going to be what is best for me and my family. If I had to suffer to be able to do that, it is worth it.