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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
GreenDreams
♀ New Member
Member # 35015
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like i will die today. This is just too much for me, i cant understad why this happened. Ive been so commited to my own recovery as a broken person (i was abused as a child) really really tried to make my future brighter... and then all came down falling to pieces this last march 4th. First was the affar, just one of those crazy women out there, eager to let me know how much fun my husband and she had had for the last months. I asked him to leave. He did, the next two days i broke into his FB account and found that the affair was just a cherry cake, he had been with prostitutes since last year. I cant even believe in it, this must have been going on since the day we met... but i was so stupid i believed in him.

The first weeks since D-day he texted me or emailed me once in a while... but now his phones are dead. His mom wont answer my inquiries and he has skipped theraphy. Im new here, its only been almost 2 months... but today i dread he might hurt himself, commit suicide... or something like that. How does the "detaching" thing works? I am desperate, and feel totally messed up. I know its not my fault... and i cant help him... but why do i keep worrying about him? Why cant i stop my jealousy? Any help, any commet will be welcomed.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: MEX
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh green...it sounds like you are still just trying to recover from the shock. Have you posted in the "Just Found Out" forum? They often give good advice there.

The initial discovery period is such a crazy-feeling time. Focus on taking care of yourself physically. Drink lots of water. Try to get some exercise. Cry as much as you need to, and get some rest.

Give your brain some time to process all the new information. If you have friends or family who you can lean on for support, use it. And just try to take it one day at a time.

When you feel up to it, check out the books listed on the first page of this thread as well as the healing library on the left.

You will survive this.

(((GreenDreams)))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 15 months out from the first disclosure, 3+ years past his last A, I am happy to say our sex life is better than it has ever been. We are both so connected and into each other and it's great. There is hope

This does give me hope - thanks Kansas!!!

Reality - That sounds like a great exercise. I've never heard of that before. Thanks!

I also echo Kat's recommendation on "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse." Learning your spouse has SA is a very traumatic experience - whether you're codependent or not! It remains my favorite book on the topic...although I've found "Don't Call it Love" (excluding the chapter on spouses) to be the book I reference most often.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
GreenDreams
♀ New Member
Member # 35015
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WS. Really, thanks a lot for your comment. I guess youre totally right, im still in shock. I cant come to terms with the thought of the sweet man i knew... being a real monster. I did post on the just found out forum, and someone was very kind enough to direct me to this thread. I find myself still hoping this is just my imagination, that he screwed up but not that bad...That maybe hes not a SA. But he is. No matter how much i try to deny it... he is. You know the worst (or best?) part of all this? that i found out im pregnant... with twins. Its an overnight change... from being a mom of two... to being a mom of 4. I cant say this is bad, when i made those babies i didnt know my husband was a monster. So no matter what.. i love my new babies. That doesnt change the fact that im scared to death, i have to deal with 2 kids 10 and 4, deal with the fact that i got married with a SA, pregnancy issues, my work, house chores... everything... while hes out there acting like we dont even exist. I never thought i'd be in a situation like this... and i dont want to complain... but why didnt i see the early signs? why was he so eager to marry me? Why was he so loving and caring and all of a sudden a complete mental case? I remember our life together, it was a dream come true, i was so in love, we had so many good times... how? how did he manage to hide everything from me, i would go to hell and back just to know if he was acting since the beggining of our marriage. Or if it all started last year when we had a rocky time on the marriage... so many questions that remain unanswered.

On the other hand... ive been doing what you suggested, im eating well, leaning on my mother for emotional support, i cant excersise because of the high risk pregnancy... but im really trying to stay in one piece... but... there are moments, like this... when i fall apart. I beg for mercy but its just like theres another blow waiting for the other... and i cant see the end. I am attending to IC weekly, sadly, over here in Mexico we dont have any Sanon meetings... im considering opening one. Once i can catch my breath.

I wonder when will that be. A moment of peace. I desperately want to try R... but my IC tells me that my husband must be the one to ask for it first... and as far as today... he just let go of any hope of R... i guess he thinks hes not worth it or something... so he just keeps on sinking on his alcohol and sex addictions. And i am left here all alone with nothing to do but wait. And pray. IC tells me i must move on with my life, find things that i like and keep me occupied... but its just too hard to move on without knowing what's on his mind.

So...do you really think i will survive this? Id love to read succesful stories of people who overcome this... but all i see is more women like me... just trying to survive with very little hope. Picking up our pieces...

Is there a real piece of hope that i can hold on to? Will i ever be normal again? how can i STOP loving him... caring for him?

Thank you all who read this. Im thankful that finally ive found a place where i can talk about this... besides my IC.

Hugs and prayers to all my fellow women who are going trough this nightmare.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: MEX
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetheart, as a mother of twins, now grown women, I empathize with you. I wish I had an answer for you. There are success stories on this forum with SAWH who are willing to do the hard work in order to recover.

Sadly, my SAWH, is not one of them. I just want you to know you have been heard, and I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself and those precious babies. You cannot fix him, hon, but I pray your SAWH is willing to fix himself.

Sending you hugs and strength.....


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((GreenDreams))

I'm so sorry about your WH. And pregnancy on top of that must make your head and your heart spin. Since you can't find S-Anon meetings, perhaps you could find Al-Anon meetings? Al-Anon has been around for a very long time, maybe there are meetings near you? The Al-Anon meetings are similar in intent to S-Anon, although the substance the addicts depend on is different.

Keep posting, GreenDreams. We've been in your shoes before, and we can listen and help.

I found the address for AA:

Central Mexicana de Servicios Generales de A.A.
Apartado Postal 2970
Mexico D F, Mexico 06000 , Mexico
Site: www.aamexico.org.mx


What you need is the family support group. Hopefully they can help you find that.


Hugs~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 6:09 PM, April 20th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
GreenDreams
♀ New Member
Member # 35015
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ghost and Sabina. Its comforting to know that someone out there is listening.

As for Alanon, once upon a time (4 years more less) i went to cope with his alcoholism. He attended AA meetings for a month and then quit. Stayed sober for 3 years. I thought it was a miracle. Silly me... so I will try Alanon on Sabina's advice. I hope i dont get weird looks when i disclose my current problem. But hey i must give it a try.

Right now... im "calm" an hour ago my 4 year old daughter came to me crying for her daddy. I gave her the usual speech but it didnt seem to work so i went ahead with my IC advise and put her on the phone with him. My IC told me that i was carrying all the responsabilities and that it was too much to handle, that i had to make him responsible for at least ONE thing. In this case financial support. So I tried in the afternoon to no avail cause he just justified himself telling me that his clients hadnt paid him yet (so screw me right?). So when I saw my daughter suffering this way... i decided that it wasnt fair that i was the only one to handle her broken heart. Thats why i put her on the phone. Thank God he did answer (although my gut tells me he was in the middle of "something") After almost half an hour on the phone I saw that she was feeling better just by hearing his voice, so i asked her to say goodnight and hangup. She handed me the phone and I told him: Shes better now, i will hang up now. Then he said: "When can i see them?" I told him: "Your choice".

What i meant by his choice was that he was going to see them when he was better.

The last time I saw him, like 3 weeks ago, he had lost weight and looked dirty and miserable. I fought the need to hug him and i succeded. That day he blamed me for stuff just because i hadnt let him see our kids. I told him that i was very sorry, but i wasnt going to let my babies see him in that bad shape. And also, that it was up to him when he could see his kids again, because all i ask is that he get treated for his addictions and IC. Until now, he has failed miserably, skipped IC for 3 or 4 weeks now, only attended half of an SA meeting. So... I feel kind of guilty for not letting him see the kids... but I must protect then from knowing the horrible truth about their father. I must protect them from his SA becoming worse that he might molest them. So sorry dear H, but its up to him when will he see the kids again.

Do you think this is wrong? Im scared because as a child i was molested... so i dont want to take any chances... he was abused too as a 4 year old boy... so i dont want the pattern to repeat itself on my babies. I will fight custody, and I know i will get it... But visiting rights scare me. I dont want my kids spending not even one night at my in laws house. Mom is a cheater, his dad an alcoholic, his sister is an escort, big brother alcoholic too... that house must be paradise to a SA like himself... computers are totally accesible and all his brothers enjoy porn. So... i dont want any risks. I dont know what will happen, but i will fight for my kids wellbeing, no matter what.

Im losing hope at high speed. I cant see remorse, i cant see if hes really trying to recover. I think not... so... its his choice. Do i sound codep? i am trying to let go of him, i stopped the snooping, i dont call him on a regular basis. I try daily to STOP thinking about him. But still i plainly said: You will see your kids once youre on treatment. Is it codep behavior?

Any thoughts on this will be appreciated. Thanks for all your kind responses, and Sabina, its wonderful how you helped me with the Alanon information when you are struggling like the rest of us. I am very thankful that there are still good natured human beings in the world.

As for my twins... I hope God gives me the strenght to raise them up even in the worst circumstances. Good night all. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: MEX
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Green, Stay strong honey, most of us have walked in shoes like yours, although, being newly pregnant, with twins, and being JFO, is a path I didn't have to walk. Truly a blessing, but under the circumstances, a trial as well...

You are not being codependent by setting boundaries. You are letting him know you will not allow him to violate your children and your space with his behaviors. And IMO, you are right to fear for your kids. Although not all SAs escalate to child porn or to abuse, I would NOT take that chance, and would not allow my kids to be in that unsafe environment. DO not feel guilty for being a good mother.
This is our way of hugging and holding you in the *LIGHT*
*********((((greendreams)))))********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I echo what Kat says. Setting boundaries is the right thing to do for everyone involved.

If you're up for it, now might be the time to start reading. I found it was one of the only things that brought sense to my chaos at the beginning of my journey. For some reason, I really want to recommend "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes. I wouldn't normally recommend it first, but it is very informative about the disease.

Good luck green. That's more stress than anyone should ever have to go through at any one time.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week in IC, my therapist told me that it might help my WH stop the "I'm a terrible person and you must think so too" cycle if I tell him that I'm still around because I believe he can change. It sounded like good advice. I do believe he can change. But the other day, in the middle of yet another fight (shocking, isn't it? I mean, we never fight...oh wait) I realized that while I believe with all my heart that he CAN change, that is different than believing he WILL change. I mean, this has no effect on what I tell him, but it makes me wonder. I'm not sure he will change. I'm not even sure he wants to. He says he wants to, sure, but...well, I've been down that road before. And every time we have one of these fights, it just seems like he's still blaming me for everything (although he never actually says that). And for maybe the fourth time in the last 3 months, I found myself thinking, "the only way to change this pattern is to take myself out of the situation." Of course, after we're done fighting (and, if nothing else, it wasn't scary this time--no screaming, no calling me stupid) and he "realizes" what he's done and apologizes, I find myself wondering if that's really true.

I guess it's not that it's the only way to change the situation, but it is the only way for ME to change it, and the only way for me to be sure it's really changed. I mean, him changing depends on him. And I can't make that happen, and I can't be sure of it--at least not for a long time--if he makes it happen.

Sorry. I seem to just be ranting.

Green, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Keep listening to your instincts, they seem good.


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, don't know if this this will help...My SAFWH never completed anything, before d-day. He was the master of unfinished projects, hobbies that began with a bang and never went anywhere. Never in a million years did I believe he could stick with SA and recovery. He has. He was a rager, too, although not to the degree you've described, bipolar dx and meds helped there. he has been sober since 2010, although there has been some slipping with internet porn, not interaction. He deals with that with sponsor and IC, but I have slept elsewhere if I've known about it. I also have slept elsewhere if I've seen signs of other backsliding behaviors that scare me. It's not punitive it's self protective...
*******((((((((((((to all of us dealing with this crap!!!!!!!!))))))))))))*******


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
GreenDreams
♀ New Member
Member # 35015
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im in need here. Is it codep to email him this: "I love you more than the day I married you. You have my heart, my soul. I love you more than you will ever know."

I want to get it out my chest. But i dont want to make things worse by doing something co-dep.

HELP PLEASE!



Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: MEX
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green,

I can only speak for myself, but I couldn't write that to my SAWH. My SAWH tells me he loves me several times during the day, but I can't say it back to him. I'm just not there.

Ladies,

Is anyone on an anti-depressant? I'm realizing more and more how my anger and mood swings are affecting the kids and how I deal with them. There are days I think I'm doing well, then I'll have a couple of bad days. I'm nervous about a couple of side effects: weight gain and lack of sexual desire. Any recommendations or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!!


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I love you more than the day I married you. You have my heart, my soul. I love you more than you will ever know."

Did you get that from my blog? Because that's the exact quote from what I wrote to my FWS in a card on Valentines day, which I blogged about. Either that or we share the exact same brain. Bizarre. Very.

Obviously I said it, well in a card on Valentines day. But I don't on a regular basis. Not sure if it's codependant or not. But I'm kind of creeped out here.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Technically I guess you can say I'm on an AD, but it's to address my sleep disorder and I take it at night. I'm on elavil, it's not a first line AD, and I'm not taking it for the AD properties.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Feb 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am on Celexa. It has only been about 2 weeks, but so far it has been a life-saver. I am already feeling more motivated, balanced, and in control. I can obviously still have bad days when I feel discouraged or triggered. But the lows are nowhere nearwhat they were. And my good days are better than any in my recent memory (I have come to the conclusion that I have been clinically depressed for over a year).

As for side effects... Well like I said it has only been 2 weeks. I can tell you that I have already lost about 8 - 10 pounds so far. Not being depressed has meant that I have more energy, am more active, and am doing a lot less emotional eating. I have always had a high sex drive and so far that hasn't changed.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and FWIW I wasn't on the elavil until several months after DDay and had a sleep study, etc. Again, not for depression. So...I've not ever been on anything depression wise for the A. Though...there were times right after DDay I probably could have used some xanax or something.

I used to be on Cymbalta for fibromyalgia, I've been on zoloft before as well. Never again because it's hell on my body (I don't react to meds well at all, my body revolts) so I'm really hesitant to go on meds.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been so down lately...I don't know why. Things with WS are as good as they can be. I'm ecstatic about getting into school and going after a lifetime dream. And yet, I am down...I hate being this way. Normally I would smack myself on the backside and tell myself to be grateful. Things could be so much worse. I know this, and yet I am down...down, down, down.

I'm thinking maybe it is some of the depression part of the grief process. I feel like it took me 3 months just to get over the shock. Was never really angry. But maybe this is the depressed part...maybe it is a natural part of the cycle. Maybe it too will pass with time.

Should probably go back to therapist but don't want to pay for it. Need to save up for the move - don't know how long it will take WS and I to find jobs.

Drinking too much though - I know it's bad, just the only thing that takes the edge off. Eating and sleeping too much too. Probably should go on antidepressant - funny that the topic came up today. Just scared of it for some reason.

"Recovery is a process, not an event..."


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And every time we have one of these fights, it just seems like he's still blaming me for everything

Phoenix - this was my experience every time WS and I would have a fight about his online infidelities. He was always sorry for his actions but would somehow imply that it was my fault, too. (Our MC [non-CSAT] encouraged him in this line of thinking as well - argh.) And like a diligent wife, I worked hard to improve my faults - no one is perfect after all. Still WS's behavior never changed...it only got worse, and worse, and worse...because while I was not the perfect wife, the problem was not me.

All of this changed though after WS lost his job, went to Keystone and started attending daily 12-step meetings. He blames me for nothing now - absolutely nothing. He takes full responsibility for his actions. If I do something that hurts his feelings (which of course I still do from time to time), he recognizes that it is his responsibility to deal with those hurt feelings in a healthy manner - whether that is being honest with me about the incident, calling a friend or instead *choosing* to bury them by acting out. He keeps his SA issues almost entirely separate from me - completely focused on him. He only tells me what I ask to hear and listens sympathetically to what I am going through.

Because you are having all these intuitive red flags...and intuition is just as good as hard evidence when dealing with an SA spouse...I have to ask, are you concerned that your H has not hit rock bottom yet?

I thought my WS had hit bottom long before he actually hit bottom...but every time before, he did not truly change. Things just kind of went back to "complacent normal." Now though he is very different. It is a marked change in all regards - his personality, his treatment of me, his relationship with his family, his goals, his dreams, his hobbies, his spirituality, his self-esteem, his self-awareness. Have you noticed these changes in your H? I think they are the indicators of genuine recovery - at least this was/is my experience. (And as I'm painfully aware that it has only been 4 months, please dear God, let WS stick with it...)


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post - sorry.

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 7:17 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
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