If your insurance doesn't cover it, maybe see if you can find someone with a sliding scale.
It honestly is worth it. Truly. I don't know where I'd be without my therapist. She's helped me more than I could have ever hoped. Especially through my pain medication addiction and beyond.
I just don't want to see you go down that path with alcohol given your history, and I know you don't either. And what you're describing, with the sleeping, eating, etc. it does sound like depression. I know those signs all too well. And you don't want to use other means of coping skills. It's what we're hoping our FWH's learn, proper coping skills instead of acting out, you know?
So please...consider IC and even meds instead of drinking, etc.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It's what we're hoping our FWH's learn, proper coping skills instead of acting out, you know?
Yes, that's ironic isn't it?
Oh, my insurance...it's the worst insurance I've ever had, but it's what the school system offers. Basically I pay all medical expenses 100% out of pocket up to $3,000 per year, and then it kicks in 60% until I reach $10,000. (And for this, I pay $400 a month?!?)
Ironically, my therapist has a sliding scale, but since I "have insurance," it doesn't apply for me. Otherwise I would totally go, because it would be $40 a session as opposed to $140.
Isn't that just the dumbest thing ever? Feels like highway robbery - my insurance, not the therapist, lol. I will not miss that part of my job!!!
But you are right about my behaviors being hypocritical. Hadn't thought of it that way before.
Will your insurance change with the move and the new school???
I have a love/hate relationship with insurance. So I totally get it.
So I thought I would post about 2 nightmares I've had the past 2 nights and see if anyone can make any sense of them:
I am camping (I think?) somewhere in the woods. I look up and see a white wolf high up in the mountains. What a novelty, I think! If he comes down here, I will jump in the car though just to be safe. At that precise moment, the wolf starts running down the mountain. I jump in the car (slow motion of course) and barely close the door as the wolf reaches the outside. Suddenly I realize that the wolf is capable of using the door handles! I reach for the automatic locks, and successfully lock them. Alas, the wolf still manages to open the door and jumps inside behind me. I am scared. I think I'm going to die. But the wolf starts licking my face. It is no longer a wolf, but a dog, and not just any dog, but my long lost best friend. I am still afraid of it, but glad that at least in that precise moment, it is not ripping my throat to shreds.
I am making copies in the copier room at school. The bell rings, and the other teachers leave. For some reason, I stay even though I have a class. I start crying and hide underneath a table. Soon I realize I'm naked. The power goes out. It gets very quiet. I hear someone jiggle the door handle, but I guess it is locked. They ring a doorbell(?), and I tell them to come in. No one does. A few minutes later, I look out the window and see a man with two machine guns pacing outside. I realize the school is on lockdown. I hope he doesn't see me through the window, but he does. He shoots in the window. Oddly, other people then crawl in the window and start having very violent sex - like an orgy. The machine gun man forces me to watch. I think he's going to shoot me, and I'm going to die. Through dream magic, the people disappear. I am hiding under the table again, still naked. Someone comes to the door - a friendly person. She asks if I'm okay. I say, I think so. Then she asks if she can help. I tell her I need someone to help me pack my things and take out the trash. She starts to take out the trash, but then I stop her because I don't want to be alone.
I do really relate to one thing you said. You mentioned,
Things just kind of went back to "complacent normal."
That's what I've just realized that I am battling right now. Human nature drives both of us to the path of least resistance. But that is completely opposite from the path we need to be on. I just posted on my blog about dealing with my own procrastination - which has been pretty bad.
I know what it feels like to be asking my husband for one thing while I'm doing something counter-productive myself. Just being aware of it is a huge step in the right direction.
Sorry about your insurance situation. It sounds horrible. Some of these insurance companies really are like highway robbery. Don't let cost alone deter you from getting help, though. Maybe you can see if there are any good group meetings or other outlets for therapy. Have you tried explaning your situation to your therapist to see if he/she would run you through their system as if you didn't have insurance? Because really for all intents and purposes you don't.
Wishing you peace and strength going forward. Holding you in the ((((light)))), WS....
How are things for you?
Stop. Breathe. You are among friends. Friends who have been there, are there. We don't have all the answers but we are good listeners. Some of us are in R with SAs who are in recovery, some of us are detaching from addicts who are not able to give up their addictions.
Here are my suggestions.
1) Look at the 1st page of this thread. There are resources there and book suggestions that can help you get your feet under you. I was helped by Mending a Shattered Heart followed by Your Sexually Addicted Spouse,
2) GET YOURSELF TO AN S-ANON OR COSA MEETING. You need support IRL. And you will need it from others who know what you are going through.
3) Make your own health a priority. You cannot take care of your kids if you aren't well.
Please remember these absolutes, you didn't CAUSE this, can't CONTROL it and can't CURE it. And there is nothing you can do unless he is willing to make changes. IMHO, unless he augments his IC with REGULAR attendance at 12 step meetings and active work on the steps he WILL slip. He's "white-knuckling" a term used to describe an addict who thinks they can beat their "monkey" on their own.
And it's true that the way to tell if an addict is lying is to see if their lips are moving. Their lying.
Hang in their. SAs CAN learn to control their "compulsions" IDK what the crap they call them, but it's hard, hard work. YOU have to work on you.
Read, post, breathe and take care of you.
NO. SEX. DRIVE. But since SAfWH and I didn't have any sex life during his entire 20 years of addiction except for brief exceptions, and since then we have had iffy reconciliation, it hasn't been an issue. However, on the advice of my gyno, (TMI coming) I lost all ability to climax, too. Completely gone. Might be in my head, I don't know. Sad but true.
Also, while on ADs, I know I wasn't really "feeling." Now I am, and it isn't pretty. Am I better able to cope with all the sh*t now? That remains to be seen. SAfWH is certainly seeing the "new" me. Can't say he's happy about it... Poor baby.
All in all, I needed them. There were days I was bed ridden. I simply had no motivation to do anything (sound familiar WS?) There would have been more days if I hadn't been taking the meds.
So now, to deal with some of the anger issues, I am taking St. John's Wort. It seems to have the same numbing effect. I am not constantly subjected to the intrusive affair thoughts and images. I am, however, back to the junk food, hence, gaining some of the weight back. But I have a higher energy level overall than I have had for a long time. Meds or time passing? IDK.
WS--I do worry that he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. He says he's making the changes for himself, not for me. He says he truly understands he has a problem. But, like I said, he still seems to be blaming me for a lot, or simply not accepting the blame. I can't see that I've seen the things you mentioned--changes in relationships with family, changes in the way he treats me, goals, etc. At least, not unless it's pointed out first. For example, if he tells me I'm lying and he knows my thoughts/feelings better than I do, I can eventually (sometimes minutes, sometimes hours...) get him to see how wrong that is, and he apologizes and sounds sincere. But he certainly hasn't been making huge strides in changing the behavior first. I don't know if it means he hasn't bottomed out. But....if everything he's been through so far hasn't done it, I don't know what will. So I'm hoping it's just going to take a little more time to see the things that will indicate progress. Although, to be honest, just the fact that he's going to a therapist is progress.
I went with him to his CSAT yesterday to set boundaries for the summer, and she said that while I'm gone she's planning on hitting his therapy extra hard to make some major changes before I come home. I'm hoping it works! Maybe when I get back, I'll start to see the things WS mentioned. I also got to see her in action with WH for the first time for real, and I liked it. She will NOT let him deflect. Excellent.
As for dreams, well, I have a history of having nightmares about WH. Unfortunately, many of them seem to have come true, so now when I have them I tend to flip out. The other night I had multiple dreams about being single and meeting men who were really interested in talking and listening. Not too hard to figure out what those mean, I guess! Ws, your first dream seemed pretty telling. You feel threatened by a monster, who is also your best friend. And you're glad it (he) is treating you nicely, but afraid it (he) will turn into the monster again and hurt you.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
My FWH/SA has just started to accept that he's an SA and he's not quite fully there yet, but he's slowly accepting it. (He is slow to process and come to these things in all aspects). I'm not sure yet if he fully will or not, but I hope he will.
I don't have experience with strippers or anything like that, but I'm more than happy to help as much as I can.
My counselor tells me it was my subconscious coming out at night when I was relaxed and not fighting it. I HATE that my husband saw me struggling with those dreams and continued cheating on me behind my back. How cruel.
Now, I have bizarre dreams, kind of like what you describe. Last night I dreamt that my husband took me somewhere and said it was going to be fun. It turned out to be a warehouse full of rusty knives and blades and hunting traps, and there were slaves inside hammering on the blades (weird, right?). The blades were all over the floor and my vision was blurry, like I was underwater so I told my husband that I couldn't step over the knives and stuff because I wasn't able to see, so he picked me up and carried me. The slaves got violent and a little boy who has knife fingers like Edward Scissorhands cut my hands up, then another man came and cut my other hand and I was bleeding everywhere, all while my husband is carrying me through this room of knives and attacks, running for the exit. We finally got out of the warehouse and I saw a truck, so I ran for it. I started it and pushed the gas with my cut up hands instead of my foot, and my husband caught up with me at that point and we sped off into the night. In my dream I was thinking that everyone would be impressed that a 10 year old girl drove the truck, so I guess I was 10 again.
LOL, sorry for going on and on but I hope you might feel a little comfort knowing that these bizarre dreams must be fairly common for those of us who have been hurt and traumatized by the person who was supposed to love and protect us.
I also got Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy, Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage, and A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust. I also pulled out the copy of Shattered Vows that my women's group was working through about a year ago. I have already found that re-reading it has given me new perspectives on where I am right now.
I've decided not to ask my husband to read them. I'm not going to hide them or anything - right now they are on a table in our living room. But I want to see if he takes the initiative to read them on his own. Unfortunately, my prediction is that he will not.
[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 1:07 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]
I simply had no motivation to do anything (sound familiar WS?)
Yup, we are two peas in a pod sometimes Kat. How long is this going to last???
Phoenix - I think it is an EXCELLENT sign that you have a CSAT, and a good one it sounds like. It may just take time to see the changes I described earlier. When I visited WS at Keystone, the therapist said that 6 weeks of in-patient was equivalent to about 2 years of out-patient therapy - just because they had multiple sessions a day, every day. So I wouldn't fret if you don't see those changes immediately - the big thing is that he's seeing a CSAT, someone who can see through the lies, who can say BULL SHIT when needed, who knows what's going and the ways to help. I think that is very, very good. My WS never saw a CSAT until he went to Keystone.
Kansas - Thanks for sharing your dream! For what it's worth, here is my take: The warehouse represents addiction in general. Your husband took you there, presumably thinking it was a "fun," harmless activity when it started, although it soon got out of control...filled with danger, strangers, people who were "slaves" to their compulsions. You were "blind" or at least partially blind to what all was going on. Once it was out of control, your husband tried to protect you, although you were still injured. Now you're both (good sign!) headed for the exit...and not just walking but speeding away!
Not sure about the 10-year old reference...is that a significant # for you? Have you been together that long? Did something happen to you at that age?
Thanks for sharing though - it does make me feel better about the crazy (and sometimes graphic) dreams I've been having.
I have a quick question, and I'm sorry if I've forgotten anyone's story. Have any of your H's acted out with same-sex partners?
Apparently this is my STBX's new thing, and my IC has some interesting theories about it. (I no longer see a CSAT unfortunately.)
I'm just looking for some insights. Other than that, no news here. The divorce process is dragging on.
As far as I know, this was not the case with my WH -- but who knows???? I always found it strange that my WH subscribed to "Men's Health" magazine. He is the most unhealthy person I know, but page after page showed young males scantily clad with buff bods. I even once questioned him about it. Hmmmm....
Wishing you all the best, Hope. Holding you in the (((light))))....
Beautifulmess I hope the books help. Hope and Freedom was the first book I read that had a real effect on me.
Get a Brain, I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I hope you find some comfort here.
My SAWH had a break through the other night while reading through a workbook. He finally made the connection between his anger with women and his mother's emotional incest. I've been telling him this might be part of his problem for months, but it has just now clicked. He realized he had been placing the anger he had with her onto me, it didn't help that she had died unexpectedly several years ago. So I ended up with all the anger and resentment he had with her. Lucky me!
He finally made the connection between his anger with women and his mother's emotional incest. I've been telling him this might be part of his problem for months, but it has just now clicked. He realized he had been placing the anger he had with her onto me
Omg, same here, except he has a very controlling mother.
Thanks for the welcome. That sounds weird given the circumstance.
If I may be so bold to ask, have any of you left your SA's? If so, what made you finally have enough and are you happier now?
I fought this mess for 3 yrs, i just couldn't take any more. i was turning into a crazy woman.
yeah, he wanted me and the kids, but oh the other life was to compelling. he just wanted to be a cake eater. do just enough to make it look like he was trying.
you know what they say about trusting your gut, i did and i'm so glad. he can live his life that way if he wants, but i don't have to be a part of it.
The final straw, i caught him in yet another lie, i just couldn't take anymore. i knew i was done.
Yes our family was destroyed and i'll never forgive him for that. He can mess with my mind, i'm a big girl, but our girls sure ass hell didn't deserve this mess.
As for happier, i don't know, it's been 1/12 yrs since D, but my brain is finally at peace. i don't have to worry and wonder what he's up to, andi really don't care, his actions don't affect us anymore.
i hope to someday find someone to finish out my life with, but i know i've a lot of healing to do first.if the good lord has someone else in mind for me, he'll send them when the time is right. i'm in no hurry.
It's just so sad what this addiction does to so many lives. our kids, mine, his. this really brought me to my knees, i wasn't sure i'd ever get up again, but i did.i'm finally finding my balance again. i have so many more good days than bad now. it hurt like hell, but i'll make it, and so will my girls.
i'm finding "me" again and am on the road to happiness a better and smarter person. yeah i surely miss what i thought i had, but whats coming for me will be so much better. THERE WILLL BE TRUTH AND TRUST in my life again.
hugs to all of my sisters here