Of course I had no idea about any of this and had trusted him so much that I allowed him to handle our finances.
The way I found out is one of the stripper/prostitutes called me and screamed at me. He told me she was blackmailing him. I guess that made him the "victim"?
I always laugh when police pull a complicated sting operation on prostitution. All they have to do is infiltrate a strip club and find out what really goes on there. But they never do that and I wonder why?
Maybe only "legal" lap dances happen at the strip club, but names and numbers get exchanged, plans are made and paid sex acts take place somewhere else - a hotel room, the back seat of a car, etc.
I did find that some of the strippers travel a circuit. They go from city to city and work as independent contractors. It is a very dark life and they feed on SA's.
WS-Thanks for the clarification on in-patient vs. out-patient timelines! I needed that.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Somer - it's amazing how we've all become experts on these dark, depraved, secret worlds. I wish I could take a pill and forget everything I know about my STBX's proclivities. Does it get easier over time?
It is difficult to look back and to look ahead.
Yes. I know.
Thinking back, I can see that he was not emotionally involved, but that was how he always was, an introvert, not to strong in showing his feelings, but showing them in his actions.
He was very supportive with our son, helped me everywhere and with anything, I knew I could count on him, he was my rock. Just by living a life with him for 25 years I ďknewĒ who he was, what he felt and how he would act or support me and the family. I KNEW???? WHAT???? That is what is making me crazy. And, I do think that I became crazy, Iíve been uprooted, my whole world crashed and I am still not able to rebuild it. Iím counting on time, because I know time helps and when I have more distance from all that happened I might be able to see thing more clearly.
WS, I found the site, posted a few times and told him to post after the sex addict thread was started.
I never told him who I was, but it accidentally slipped once. He posted almost only in that thread that doesnít get to much traffic and after a while he gave up. One more thing I found out about him is that he is like a butterfly jumping from flower to flower as his interests take him, he never sticks with things and that is also completely opposite of what I thought he was.
I did read his posts while he was posting, I donít think it helped us in any way, he writes beautifully but he was not like that IRL. I think he knows how it should be, how he should act, what he should do and feel. Itís easy to write about it, but when you have to do it, live it and confirm that with actions in real life situations he is lost. That goes to his FOO as they very much always do ďthe right thingĒ, but are missing the real emotional connection, itís like following the script.
I hope this helps, at the same time I am not sure anything helps.... (from an optimistic, happy person a became this sad, cynical, pessimistic thing, not even a person anymore)
During this time, our oldest daughter graduated, played sports in college on scholarship and has excelled in every way. Is now getting ready to attend med school :) I am so proud of her! Morally she is set for life. My second now is graduating as valedvictorian from high school and is playing sports in college on scholarship as well. I also have one younger son in high school that idolized his father (this scares me!). He is a difficult kid, ADHD, mood issues (maybe biological like his dad's family???), and doesn't like school at all. He has been a challenge since the day he was born and was diagnosed with an immune disorder since birth which now has again reared its ugly head as he was diagnosed with a form that causes lymphoma. He has a 1 in 2 chance of getting cancer in his lifetime. Scary. He can't play sports which he loves and has thrived on because it's too taxing on his system. And this behavior of his family even though he doesn't know the extent of it really had him angry and confused which isn't helping the situation.
So, when this behavior of my H was occurring, the dissolution of the business was occurring, my daughter left for college, I was finding my independence, my father also passed away from cancer and my H saw him more as a father than his own, and I was HAPPY!!!! I grieved tremendously for my dad but saw that I needed to reconnect with a vengeance with the important things in life and felt real JOY with those who were important. H was not and he didn't tell me he wasn't. He also had two sisters that were verbally and emotionally dumping on him due to their own divorces and unhappiness in their lives at the time.
Maybe he is telling me the truth and his behavior escalated during that time. But he said he has stopped when I was diagnosed with an STD. But I KNOW with all that said I KNOW he is lying about something related to this time. I can FEEL it. And I have a feeling this was going on before then too. I think he isn't who I thought he was and he can LIE easily. I am hoping that going to an SA counselor will help. Do you think its possible to lie to them? He is a great liar! He has learned as I see now to save himself from the pain inflicted on him and his inability to be able to handle life.
I am considering divorce seriously. My kids love their dad (they don't know much about any of this or anything else that was BAD in our marriage) I used every amount of energy I had to shield them. I didn't speak badly of H to them and always made them feel he loved them because he rarely was there. But sometimes I feel this is just too much for me and that I deserve to be happy too and if they suffer temporarily I need to do it for myself and my sanity. I know I wasn't perfect but honestly what more could I have done? I have realized I enabled him to have his family and I covered up his "crap" and didn't make him accountable. But can someone really make someone do something he didn't want to do? Ultimately, he is responsible for his life and his actions. He has learned the hard way. I just hope for himself and all of us that he finally gets it! With or Without his wife.
I could write volumes about my last 2 weeks but I'll spare you the boring details. After my stepfather's burial on 4/17/12, my disabled mother has remain hospitalized with her own serious health issues. My job is in serious jeopardy and my SAWH had offered his help and support. After working hard to detach from him, I allowed this because I just plain needed it.
I will share this one story from yesterday. SAWH was at my house to pick me up to visit my mother at the hospital. There was a local newspaper article that was of interest to both of us. He brought up the article on his Iphone for me to read. While reading the article, a "pop up" from Adrienne Marie appeared saying she wanted to play "words with friends" with him.
I asked him who Adrienne Marie was. He barked at me he had no idea who it was except it was someone he played the game with. His response, "I don't even know if it is a he or she, and besides, they don't live in NY state". I asked him how he could possibly know this and he said chances are good that person isn't local". I began to have a panic attack and knew he was lying, but let it go because I promised my mother I would be at the hospital at a certain time.
After the hospital visit, he dropped me off and I asked him to please be honest with me, for once! He said, "okay, she's someone from California that requested to play the game with him, and he accepted". I asked how he knew she was from California and he said she messaged him. I asked how she messaged him and he said from facebook, although he doesn't have a facebook account. So how exactly does that work???
I asked why his first instinct was to lie to me if this was so innocent. He said, "you're welcome for all I've done for you and your family, you're a very ungrateful woman". WTF???
I am so sick of his rugsweeping and ongoing bullshit! He is still acting out which I fully expected because he refused therapy and lives in a land of denial.
He told me to quit my job and he will take care of me financially. Dammit, I need to quit my job for my own mental health, but to trust him to do right by me???? Pure insanity.
SA's are master manipulators and liars. I cannot and will not ever trust him again. I so wanted to, I so wanted to... I have to begin the detachment process all over again. He is toxic to me. I am so disgusted with myself because I knew better!!!!
Sending strength and love to all of you. Please keep my family in your prayers...
WS just called and said he found us an apartment for where we are moving in June. He called to describe it to me and asked if it was okay if he put down a security deposit on the place.
I am anxious because a) he did the research on his own and is now handling the responsibility of securing it - I have no hand in it whatsoever because I'm still 10 hours away. b) he's never been responsible for anything related to our life before - I always paid the bills, paid the taxes, planned our budget, planned our vacations, found the apartments, etc. c) I have to trust him on this because I don't have the time to drive up there myself...what?!? Trust?!? Him?!? Now?!? Really?!?
I am a control freak, and I've got to get over it. On the one hand, I'm so proud of him for taking care of this - he NEVER would have done it before. (It's also weird to consider him a partner when I've taken care of him for so long - not that I liked him being dependent, I've just never known him not to be.)
In the end, I guess it doesn't matter whether *I* could have found a better apartment - a safer one, a bigger one, a cheaper one. What matters is that we have an apartment that appears to be vermin-free...and that WS is taking some initiative. I can fix up any place into a home...right?
It's just weird. WS doing something. I guess that's the way it's supposed to work though. I think I have a really deluded idea of marriage. I grew up in a family where the husband focused 100% on work and the wife did 100% of everything else (in addition to her own job, ironically). That was also WS's and my life pre-recovery.
Maybe this is what "healthy" is supposed to be like. It's just weird...different. I will have to get used to it. I will have to let go of some of my control.
...and hope there aren't any rats, lol.
Keep posting. It's good for you to have emotional support from someone other than your H.
WS, I'm glad you have a place, and I'm glad your WH took on the responsibility of finding it! My WH refuses to be the contact person for apartments, because he's "embarrassed" to talk about his conviction. Like it's fun for me to call people and say, 'So my H is a sex offender....can you still rent me an apartment?" What I'm trying to say, is that I think this must be a positive step in the recovery. Look at him acting like an adult!
And yes, you can make anywhere into a home. :)
I made the decision to D. And this is the primary reason why:
My ex had sought out a counselor for *me* before D day. I was perplexed about why he thought I needed IC, but I went along with it, to satisfy my curiosity. He had been acting "off" and unhappy for a while and I thought I'd get some answers.
So, we went once a week, sometimes twice a week, for nine straight weeks, just before D day. I need to add that my ex not only sought out this particular IC, but was also having telephone conversations with her outside of our regular sessions, because he was so very concerned about me!
The counseling sessions were ALL about me being very unhappy with my business (I am a part-owner)and that I was stressed out by it and needed to sell my interest in the business, so he and I could finally be HAPPY!
I kept having to defend myself in these sessions. I didn't want to sell out. I wasn't unhappy or stressed by the business. Toward the end, they were basically giving me an ultimatum. And they were both telling me that he loved me sooo much and was so concerned about me.
And then D day happened and I got the call from the stripper. After the initial shock from D day wore off, things started to become very clear. He'd sought out the IC because he desperately needed money. He'd drained our joint account of tens of thousands of dollars on this stripper and she was demanding more. She was starting to threaten him. I knew nothing about any of this until D day.
I have no idea what his plans would have been had the stripper never called me and he managed to talk me into selling. I hate to even think about what could have happened.
My healing has been hard-earned. I've focused on healing myself, being happy and making every day count. I am very happy to report that since I ditched the bastard four years ago, I have tripled the size of my business! And I am happy and I do think about what happened and well, shame on him.
Phoenix ~ good luck with your move, sweetie. I hope your time apart helps to provide clarity and resolution for both of you.
Somer ~ I always appreciate your input. I am certainly heading for divorce and I'm always happy to hear there's a good life on the other side of this painful, traumatic experience.
Love and peace to all who post here. Holding all of you in the **((((light)))**
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 8:30 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]
SGRBEET, I was conflicted and in limbo for a long, long time. I tried hard to get my ducks in a row, but I eventually realized I was stuck. The actual source of my indecision is that I couldn't figure out how to forgive myself for wanting to stay. Despite everything that has happened, I want us to work out. I've always been a person to hide or avoid serious emotional/relationship issues (due to my FOO problems). So I didn't have the tools to deal with my desire to stay M, especially in the face of atrocious behaviors.
Recently several major events have happened, leading me to reevaluate my thought processes and conclusions re: WS & our M. WS is showing several major (positive) changes both in attitudes and behaviors. I'm finally in a place where I have to, where I *can* put my money where my mouth is. And so, I'm changing my viewpoint, working on my issues. I can't say I'm 'all in' so to speak, but I'm willing to do my part and invest in our M. Trust but verify.
WS- what a big step for you both! I'm happy for both of you. We too are learning new patterns, and it's definitely uncomfortable. It can be very rewarding though.
Ghost- I too am hoping you find a better job.
Finding Phoenix- Fingers crossed that your WH gets his med refilled & that you guys have a positive start to the temporary S.
Somer222- Thank you for sharing your story here. It's good to know that there's peace and love on the journey regardless of path taken.
lostfamily- How have you been? It has been a while since I've seen you posting.
Speaking of which, has anyone seen sager??
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Thank you for asking and you sure have a very good memory, itís been a very long time and I only posted a few times.
You are a living proof that you can keep your brain even if you go through this.
I wanted to post so many times, but never did. There is so much to post about, to much, almost every day there are things that happen, that hurt, that leave you sad and crushed again and again and again.
Not that my story is any different from the other ones, we more or less go through the same, so in a way, I would be just repeating what others say.
I am not in a good place, far from it. In February this year an e-mail arrived and from there the discovery of a FEW new DETAILS. Basically I was able to see and comprehend (even with this stupid and messed up head of mine) my SAWHís real attitude in the past decade. He was all the time trying to paint a different picture and you know you shouldn'tí believe them, you do. This was in black and white and I (and him) finally understood how important his secret life was to him. Just add the fact that I wasnít really told the whole story during the first 3 D-days. There was more and I lost the control that I had thinking I know everything.
Since then, disaster after disaster.
Today I found my old posts on another site. I was so much stronger then and that was about a year ago. Iíve become a shadow. My plan was to wait for my son to finish high school (another 3 years) and then separate. That doesnít look like an option anymore, Iíve got a postnup signed, so financially I should be fine, the rest, I donít know....
Enough about me.
All the other ladies, I read every day, think of all of you, cry for and with you.
Love and strength!!!
I have realized I enabled him to have his family and I covered up his "crap" and didn't make him accountable. But can someone really make someone do something he didn't want to do? Ultimately, he is responsible for his life and his actions. He has learned the hard way. I just hope for himself and all of us that he finally gets it! With or Without his wife.
These are very powerful words. Really think about them. My 2 cents:
I have realized I enabled him to have his family and I covered up his "crap" and didn't make him accountable.
I did the same thing. I was partly in denial about my H. I was partly embarrassed to admit the truth (to my self or anyone else). It was partly because I am a "fixer." No matter your reasons, it will be difficult to stop this pattern of yours and hold him accountable for his own actions. I am still working on this daily. I have to stop myself from making excuses for him, from doing all the research for him, from figuring out the solutions for him, for catching him when he falls, etc., etc.
But can someone really make someone do something he didn't want to do?
No. You cannot make someone do something that they do not want to do. That goes hand in hand with letting go of his choices above. What you CAN do is set expectations for your life. Decide what you will and will not accept. And stand firm. If he wants to live up to your expectations then let him try and make sure he is accountable for his own success. If he doesn't want to or if he is just "talking the talk" without doing any real work, then know what the consequences are. Really think about what life would look like without him. Prepare yourself for it in case it has to come to that. And watch to see what he does (or doesn't) do.
Ultimately, he is responsible for his life and his actions. He has learned the hard way.
Exactly. He is responsible for himself. You both have learned the hard way. Trying to cover up for him didn't work for you or him. He is responsible for this mess you are both in. And he will be responsible for digging himself out of it.
I just hope for himself and all of us that he finally gets it! With or Without his wife.
This is the most important part. He will need to get it. On his own. And you will have to decide how long you will wait, what is the minimal effort you will accept, and if you can live with the man he became for the rest of your life (whether he recovers or not). You have to let go of his recovery and focus on what YOU want and need. It's not an easy choice. And it's not one that you can make in one sitting usually. Just set some general guidelines for yourself and for what you expect from him. And be prepared for anything.
I know that is super hard. Believe me, there are still many days where my head is spinning. But my WH has been really trying, and I see him progressing - even if it is slowly and sometimes there are a few steps backwards. It's a choice that only you can make, though.
Everyone else - I have been catching up and following your stories. Sorry that I don't have much to offer right now.
[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 1:05 PM, April 30th (Monday)]