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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
finding phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I KNEW this day would be shitty. I knew it. I knew that he would not, just for one day, put all his shit to the side and just be pleasant for my last 24 hours in the same state.
WH has been kind of weird all day, I don't know how to explain it. He got defensive (literally) as soon as we woke up, but he got over it. But in addition to the weirdness I can't explain, he's been kind of defensive all day. I don't know why. But I called him on it as he was sniping at me for saying he seemed unhappy. He got all 'Well I'm allowed to be unhappy. I don't have to be into what we're doing." All valid points. But, well, I hadn't complained that he seemed unhappy, just pointed it out in response to a question. He asked why I seemed concerned, I said because he seemed unhappy. He got defensive, I tried to explain, he stayed defensive. I finally got him to apologize, but said he seemed a little grumpy. He acknowledged that he was, said he was sorry, and went along his merry way. A few minutes later I said he still seemed grumpy (he was still being short with me, snapping, etc.)
So....he got angry that I thought he was grumpy. Started doing that not-really-yelling-because-he-was-talking-under-his-breath thing that feels a lot like you're being yelled at. I asked him to stop because we were in a store and we left. Then, in the car, he said that I said he was going to ruin the day by being in a bad mood. I absolutely did NOT say that. So I told him I hadn't said that. He got upset, and I said something along the lines of, "Look. I didn't say that, but I can't stop you from deciding that's what I meant. But it would be nice if you wouldn't decide I meant something I didn't say."
He then told me that I was making his day difficult, because he has to go to a work meeting, and he needs to be civil, and I need to stop trying to make things difficult and fight with him. So I stopped talking. He drove me home, scolding me the whole way. He did finally apologize, and I accepted, but I'm still annoyed. Because he apologizes in a way that makes it clear he believes he did nothing wrong.
I didn't tell him I'm still upset, because by this point he was acting kind of manic. Running around the house, freaking out about wearing the wrong socks, just generally acting like a child, I guess. Then he said something I misinterpreted, so I apologized, and he said, "Don't start another fight."

Um....what? I mean, nothing out of hand today, but I just don't even know how to deal with him sometimes. He starts repeating himself over and over, very quickly, and running back and forth and slamming doors. And all I can think is, damn it! Act like an adult! Am I being unreasonable here?

All I wanted today was to have a calm, pleasant last day...


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beautifulmess7,

Thank you for your wisdom. And for your honesty. I know that there was no way that this family would have ever moved forward without me making everything "ok" for my husband.....and that's regarding his behavior before any of his actions came to light. He was a "jerk" most of the time in our marriage and I always covered for him. For that, I am angry at myself. That being said, I know he would have never had the opportunity to change (getting caught). He knows I really mean it now....that I will leave and not look back if he doesn't get help. He finally "sees" me for who I really am and how lucky he is to have someone like me. Guess what? I always liked myself but didn't always like him. But we had three little kids in five years of getting married and I loved them to death...........even if it meant I wasn't happy with H. There always was a little glimmer of hope in my heart and at times (when he was managing his life well and not dumping on me) he was loving. I do at times feel very strong about the convictions to try R within my heart but then for no reason, I am so angry and hurt by him and his secret life, that I feel I can't breathe. Sometimes I look at him and am disgusted by everything about him...his body, face....everything. How do you ever get truly over the


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry....here's the rest.

How do you truly get over the betrayal? I can't take a drug and magically make it go away. I so struggle at times and feel so alone. That being said, thank you all for your support. I finally found a place where others know what I feel and offer wonderful advice. God knows I need it!

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 3:52 PM, April 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

finding phoenix - That sounds like a rough day. When my H gets snippy & aggressive like that I do my best to disengage and detach. Don't even give him the satisfaction of an argument. Address it later if it's something that really hurt your feelings. When he's in a mood like that no good will come of responding to him.

SGRBEET - I don't have an easy answer to your question because I'm not totally over it myself. But every day that he does the right thing and gives me support and makes me feel like I can trust him the less those thoughts are in my head. You are really early still and you still don't know the whole truth. Just take it one day at a time. The biggest thing right now will be him giving you the whole truth, going to therapy, and really gauging if he is remorseful.

Don't rush yourself. It takes a lot of time. You don't have to decide now - in fact you shouldn't at this point. Make him earn your trust & prove he is worthy of being married to you by doing everything in his power to make you feel safe again.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, Your H is scared to death about losing you, but he doesn't know how to communicate his emotions yet...so it's all just bottled up inside and coming out in little grumpy spurts. Even though it's frustrating (and yes, childish), see it as an element of the disease. Emotional development is part of recovery, which takes time.

I think you will both find the distance to be hard but rewarding - really puts the responsibility on him for recovery and also gives you the space you need to take care of yourself. Hopefully when you return, you will find you are both in better places.

How far apart will you be from one another?

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 8:16 PM, April 30th (Monday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to remember that it has only been 4 1/2 months since my world turned upside down, although I swear it feels like years. I have trouble remembering the "before" times anymore. Seems like it has always been the "afterward."

I think that while I thought I had gotten over the worst and moved on, I am still very much in the grieving process. The crisis / shock stages I was apparently in are starting to wear off, and lately I've been really, really, inexplicably sad. Then today, I had a flash of anger...burning, want to throw things anger. According to the "experts," this is "normal"...but it sure feels like it's coming out of nowhere, especially when (knock on wood) things seem to be going "better."

I guess my anger started today when I was cleaning out the classroom that WS and I shared, and I found several receipts from the band, where he had paid thousands, literally thousands of dollars to support the group. While this is noble in some respects, it also made me very angry because he never told me how much he was putting into the group - yet another lie in his bag of deceptive tricks! Now I'm sweating bullets trying to figure out our budget over the next year to live off of *my* savings...when he just gave away all this money we could really use right now!!! Makes me so angry...

I don't know.

And I came across a picture of her, the one he brought into our home. She's not even pretty. In fact, she's very trampy. Really, he brought her(!) into our marriage!?! He risked STDs by sleeping with her?!? He wouldn't sleep with me, but he'd sleep with her!?!

And I just started thinking about how much shit he did to me behind my back - how much he lied to me, deceived me, hurt me - what a fuck of a husband he was, what a fuck of a friend he was. And I got mad, very, VERY mad...

[Big breath].

But I *know* that a lot of that was the monster, the addiction. And unless I want to turn into a dark, bitter, shell of a person...I am going to have to let it go, give him the chance to become a new and better person. I am going to have to move on.

But I also know that he needs to earn my respect and my trust, since he is the one who obliterated it. And that will take time. And it's *normal* for me to feel this way right now because not nearly enough time has passed for me to believe that "recovery WS" is here to stay.

It's just maddening not to be in control of one's emotions, but I've got to be patient with myself. I've got to let myself grieve and heal and experience all these 1001 thoughts and emotions.

And hopefully moving to a new location will help some of these triggers to fade away.

God, I just want to go home and hide in my bed. I guess today is a bad day.

Thanks for letting me vent and work through this. Now on to my afternoon classes...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick drive by post to tell WS that you have been heard and understood. And **((WS))** hugged. Anger is healthy. Remember to express it in healthy ways.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS...I'm right there with you sweetie!! Like you I am seeing the positive changes my SAWH is making, but at the same time I still ask why? It also makes me wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. The sadness and depression were just too unbearable and I chose to get some Rx help in the form of an antidepressant. I've only been on a week, but I'm able to think clearer than I had been and it has allowed me to be more present for my children. I hope all is going well with your upcoming move.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS you are not alone. I can be going along feeling ok (never great, but fair). Then all of a sudden I will just get so darn angry.

And I came across a picture of her, the one he brought into our home. She's not even pretty. In fact, she's very trampy. Really, he brought her(!) into our marriage!?! He risked STDs by sleeping with her?!? He wouldn't sleep with me, but he'd sleep with her!?!

^^^^^^^ This for sure I relate to. The OW was not pretty. I am not a super model by any stretch of the imagination, but she was UGLY and very, very overweight. And he went to THAT instead of ME?

It still blows my mind. And I do get angry about it. But then I realize that it was the monster. I hate the monster. I hate the person my H became when he listened to the monster. So I am allowed to be angry.

Once I get all of that anger out of my system I take a deep breath and continue on with my day. I try to look at who my H is today, remaining faults and all, and be glad of how far he has come from that monster.

But he still has work to do. And part of that work is helping me work through the anger that he caused with his actions.

So don't beat yourself up. You will have bad days. They don't feel great, but they do help you move forward. Hugs.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of us...((((((Spouses))))))) The bad days are very, very bad. I get them, too. My SAfWH chose attractive women. Much taller and younger than I. One was a different race, thus "exotic," one with a hair color that I know was always on his "sexy " radar, bottle origins or not. I am not ugly, and I can be attractive when I dress up and smile, but I am far from pretty, and the sags and wrinkles on my face aren't helping any. I am short, please don't say petite, that's a ridiculous euphemism, and because I am so damn short, even a pound or two shows in all the wrong places. And I am NOT thin to start with, I am curvy. To add insult to injury, the height of his acting out was the time I was fighting menopause and gained about 10-15 lbs. Still not technically overweight but on me? Not looking great. But I didn't feel attractive and he, of course, was busy seeing to the needs of others and ignoring and insulting me.
And it is hard-SO DAMN HARD to hear the message "it wasn't about you" Of course it was. It WAS me that was getting rejected. It WAS me that spent hours and days and nights alone. It WAS me that got insulted and ignored. SAs who are in recovery CANNOT ignore this truth. Their amends and recovery have to include this and be crafted appropriately.

We were people that were directly affected by the CHOICES they made. And no disease/addiction model can explain that away.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah Kat, women are so hard on themselves to begin with, so self-critical. Then add in a WH who chooses younger, "prettier" women, and BAM! our self-esteem plummets. My SAWH also chose much younger (as much as 20 years), attractive women. I sometimes wish they were less attractive than me, but I can't say that since I found most of their photos on FB.

I am a weight loss counselor. I look "good" for my age. I am a size 6. BUT, I can't compete with women young enough to be my daughters, I can't. Most of them were blond, blue-eyed. I am olive skinned with dark eyes. This last year has aged me. No doubt. I've lost my *sparkle*.

He wouldn't sleep with me, but tells everyone who will listen I wouldn't have sex with him, so he had to stray. Not true! I was outright rejected.

I counsel beautiful women everyday who think very little of themselves. Most of them have been criticized by their husbands for being "too fat". It breaks my heart and yet makes me so angry. Some of these women weigh less than I do.

Kat, I say f*ck the bastards. You are a beautiful person, this I know. The sting of rejection weighs heavily on me, as well. But I'd love to tell my WH to look in the mirror sometime. He has not aged nearly as well as me, and has gained 60 lbs. since I married him. He has what I call a "Buda belly".

He went on a cheater's website to find other married people to have sex with - big whoop, it was like shooting a fish in a barrel. I have to keep reminding myself of this because it makes me feel better.

Stay strong, my sisters! Love to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wouldn't sleep with me, but tells everyone who will listen I wouldn't have sex with him, so he had to stray. Not true! I was outright rejected.

WS admits this was one of his most common lines. Really pisses me off. I am a champ in bed - eager, willing, giving. Fuck him. Not only did he obliterate our vows, but he had the nerve to tarnish my sexual reputation? Fuck. him.

big whoop, it was like shooting a fish in a barrel.

Love this. That's exactly what SAs do - prey upon the week. Big whoop indeed.

And it is hard-SO DAMN HARD to hear the message "it wasn't about you" Of course it was. It WAS me that was getting rejected. It WAS me that spent hours and days and nights alone. It WAS me that got insulted and ignored.

Yes.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you couldn't tell from my last post, I am still angry today, lol.

Cranky, irritable, hate everyone who's happy bitter. I hate feeling this way, but if I'm too be honest...that is how I feel today. I.am.angry.

Keep finding more bills, more of *our* money that WS just threw to the wind without telling me. And I am pissed. Why am I going to have to support his ass? Pay for his rent? Pay for his utilities? Pay for his food? His gas? His therapy? Out of my savings? Because he wasn't adult enough to budget appropriately?

Now yes, WS has intentions of finding another job, but you know how times are...it's going to take him awhile to find one, especially since he'll be changing careers. And all of his experience is in a field, where he will not be looking for employment.

So we will be living off of my savings. Pennies I scraped away every month in case of unforeseen emergencies like this. Months when I did without or found creative cheaper solutions because I hoped one day we would buy a house, have a baby and need the money. I worried about these things, and he just threw his money to the wind...like a spoiled child.

And I didn't realize it before now? I'm an idiot, too.

How could I have been married to that - someone who cheated on me, who lied to me, who I had to take care of like a child?

I don't know why I'm thinking like this. Still angry I guess. Thank God for planning periods, so I can vent on here and not take it out on the kids.

What is the best way to get over anger? How do I let it go?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ghost - your analogy for those damned sites made me laugh about them for the first time ever.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too was "willing" and "unselfish" in bed with my husband. I am a size 0/2 and am petite and fit (always have been), have long blonde hair, was positive and optimistic and did everything that a**hole wanted met to do. He wanted me to stay home with the kids and do everything else a typical housewife would do. I also mowed the lawn, worked three part time jobs etc. etc. etc. I always had a hot meal on the table when he came home late from work. I was the one with an advanced college degree but because I couldn't make the money he wanted me to, his job was more important. I thought it was a sacrifice of my inner wants and needs for the better of our family. Did I think my children were worth it? DEFINATELY YES! But why did he always get to look the other way when I had needs and wants? Because I let him? Probably. He just didn't listen or care and I knew if I fought back, he wouldn't care and would be a jerk. It wasn't worth it. Now look at me.....32 years later and I have a lying, cheating, disgusting (gave me an STD) husband. He now wants to talk, work on our marriage, etc. etc. etc. Thats because he knows I might file for divorce.

I refuse to be physically intimate with him. He DISGUSTS me! He is overweight, crude and lacks anything I really want right now. All I can see is a dishonest person who was with strippers, etc.

We are heading back to MC. Sometimes, I just don't want to. Sorry I'm venting....it's been a bad month and I just don't know where to go with these negative feelings.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGRBEET - You sound like a super model! And I know others on here are also very physically attractive. (Ghost - nothing wrong with the olive complexion!) SAs are never satisfied.

Sorry I'm venting....it's been a bad month and I just don't know where to go with these negative feelings.

Vent anytime. Reading others' experiences helps me to know that the darkness I'm going through is the result of my circumstances and not some personal defect.

Let it out, let it all hang out...and through our mutual sharing of goods, bads, uglies and very uglies...maybe we can all find some healing. We will persevere!!!

Love to you my friends!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, here is the thing. These guys are no fools. They picked us BECAUSE we are smart, pretty, good organizers, etc. Somewhere in their twisted little perverted brains they KNEW they would need someone to 1. pick up after them 2. Look good for their public life 3. clean up their messes. And we have done it. And are doing it. They may not have known about their SA tendencies consciously but they picked us none the less. And I do not buy that I picked him because I am co dependent. He was acting like a different person when I met and married him.
WS I believe I am finally puttung MOST of the anger away. I am more than 3 years out from the final d day. Now, mind you, I knew of an EA in 2002 but did not know about the sex till 2009. Boy was I pissed about the money spent. We are talking THOUSANDS! Mostly on strippers...yuck. And there is no guarrantee I wont be screaming tomorrow. The fact that you are starting with the truth NOW is HUGE.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat-

Your rationale is right on! I now see he needed me because he was so insecure. He even said he has always been jealous of me because people liked me and I was such a "good" person. He never drew that type of attention. He was negative and angry for a majority of our marriage and didn't make any friends because of it. He also didn't trust anyone so that didn't help! He also told me "he liked that his wife was the best looking, most fit, humorous, well liked etc." What the heck? Did he really have NO self esteem? He never told me any of that. He only complained about everything I did. He was very critical. It was a wonder I was able to raise kids that care about each other and respect others when they grew up in that crap. But I was DAMN good at hiding what was going on and thank god he wasn't home much.

I did marry him for the right reasons but he changed. He couldn't handle the challenges life brought him and ultimately it might cause him to lose his family. My two older daughters do not have much respect for him after what has happened. They have watched their confident and energetic mother shrivel to a shred of what she formerly was prior to dday. I am starting to pick myself up and I have decided to not let him drag me down into his crap. The "180" has been a miracle this past week. It really works. That's the good news but the "limbo" I am in really sucks. Divorce seems selfish to me. I really think it is the best thing for me but is it for my kids?

We will be restarting MC in a week or so. And the jerk is taking a polygraph next week. I need to know if I can trust him. After that, who knows where we will be??? But interestingly enough, I know no matter the results, I will be fine. I really don't have a choice.

Thank again for all of you that reply to my comments and questions. This site is awesome. Everyone here that reads my posts, take care!


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, SGR. But, I'll warn you, you are only getting on this roller coaster. Me? I'm here now because he is actively and enthusiastically pursuing recovery, and has been (mostly) sober for 4+ years. I'm gone if he slips into any encounters with flesh and blood whores, even though it will mean I give up half the assets I worked to save for 33 years. My kids will be fine because they will see that I will survive, and so will yours. You need to take care of you for the precise reason that they need a basket healthy, happy, mom. That's NOT selfish.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate double posts...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:30 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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