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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
finding phoenix
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Member # 34862
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much going on since the last time I stopped by--I'll try to weigh in on the major themes.

Anger: Man, I get bowled over by this one. It really does seem to just hit out of the blue in a fairly mundane, ok time. And I don't always express it, but I do let myself feel it. Because you know what? If anyone in the world has a right to be PISSED THE F*CK OFF, it's us.

SA vs. Serial Infidelity: I struggle with this with my WH. I mean, I'm sure SA is real. But there's a real part of me that just isn't sure this is my WH's problem. I almost wish is was, because, well...I guess an addiction is something that can be fought. But a big part of me thinks he just LIKES it. Not that he feels a compulsion he can't control, more like he doesn't WANT to control himself. But as far as I know, there's no way to be 100% sure he's an SA versus a run of the mill cheating asshole who likes to do it.

Now an update. It's been almost a week, and WH told me today it's been very hard for him. His CSAT told him he needs to be sober from porn, and he completely disagrees, but is doing it. I don't know which I feel more: relief that he (says) he didn't give in, anger that he can't even last a week, or hope that the first week will be the hardest and it will get easier. He also said he misses cyber sex because it gave him a way to connect with people and have "friends." I told him to try to make some real friends....and then he cried. So I don't know if he's going to hang out with people or not. He also tried to get me to say it's ok for him to break one of his new boundaries about women so he can be friends with a girl at work. The boundaries, by the way, are no hanging out alone with other women and no texting women. I said no. I said he could be friends without texting, and if he wants to hang out with her, they can do that with other people around. But it feeds a little more into my discouragement about whether or not he's committed to this. When he asks me if it's ok to break the boundaries, I feel like that's just a message that he isn't fully on board.

WS--Thanks again for more words of wisdom. I'm trying to remember what you said. He's scared and doesn't know how to deal with it. He did say it reminds him of when I left in January. As for your question, we're about 5 hours apart, in different states. And because he works nights and I work days, it's hard to even get time to talk on the phone for more than a few minutes,

I still have hope that at the end of the 4 months I'll see some real change. And if I don't, then I hope I see a clear indicator that doesn't want/plan to change, because I don't want to drag this out if it isn't going to be real.

(((SA Spouses)))


Seriously confused about almost everything.

*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My results of Colorgenics is pretty spot on...

You appreciate the better things of life and you don't particularly want to strive in order to achieve them. What a pity you were not born into the Gentry with servants, etc. Unfortunately - life is not like that. You have the ability to be whatever it is that you would like to be but you must make the effort.

You are experiencing considerable difficulty trying to achieve your goals. As a consequence of this you are becoming more and more irritable. Your friends and acquaintances are finding it increasingly more difficult to appease or to reason with you. You are the cause of your own problems. Don't be so impulsive. It is your vacillation that can lead to problems and uncertainties. Ease up a little.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A mine is

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

You are a perfectionist in everything that you put your hand to. You are demanding and very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of colleagues and friends -perhaps you demand too much from people. That perfection you seek in a particular person is illusive - perhaps it does not even exist.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

Good advice?! Time to leave?


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still reflecting on comments from last page...

I think it is hard for both sides (divorcing BSs of SAs and reconciling BSs of SAs) to hear from each other. The divorcing BSs may wonder: would he have ever changed, why did I spend so many years with him, what was wrong with me that he chose the addiction over me? Meanwhile the reconciling BSs may wonder: am I weak or codependent for staying, will he stick with recovery, what if I regret staying 10 years from now?

Each situation is unique, and yet what we have in common is that what has happened to us is not our fault. Whether the SA chooses recovery or the addiction - it is completely up to the SA with no reflection whatsoever on us. No amount of loving, mind-blowing sex, beauty, kindness, patience, intelligence, perfection can affect the SAs decision to choose recovery - it must come from within and is shaped by so many factors (FOO, length of addiction, current escalated level of addiction, having hit a rock bottom or still functioning, other mental issues involved, etc.)...it's just impossible to compare.

Each BS must come to peace with their decision either to stay or to go...or even to wait and see. Only each BS knows every nuance of their personal situation...we must trust each other's intuitions as much as we trust our own.

Wishing us all well...whatever paths we may take. None of us deserved the shit cards we were dealt. Love to us all.

(((SA Spouses)))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ***USED*** to wonder if my STBX would ever change. He would say or do things which gave me hope. I would remain hopeful long enough to be lulled back into the relationship. The few people I talked to encouraged me to hope. But it was false hope. Just like false reconciliation. And then one day I'd realize that not only had things not changed, they'd gotten worse. I fell farther & farther down the black hole. Look at my signature to see how long I was married. I am not a fool. I am not an idiot. And yet I continued to stay because my focus remained on my WH, not on ME where it needed to be all along.

I'm wondering what the statistics are for healthy reconciliation with a sex addict (or one who behaves in that manner)? How many children have been psychologically damaged because they were exposed to their sex addict parent's actual acting out OR the horribly unhealthy "addict dynamic" because they lived in the home with unhealthy parents (the addict plus the co-dep/enabling spouse) and learned such terrible coping/survival skills like denial & co-dependency (or worse, to mimic the SA)? What studies have been done to warrant such optimism & continued wait & see attitudes as I've been reading here in the past month or so? I read so many posts here where the message is to continue the focus ON THE SEX ADDICT, not the spouse. What can the wife continue to do to help her husband? It should not be this way. It should be the wife/spouse learning to face her own flaws & fix them, not learning how to continue to tolerate & minimize the damage her SA is causing.

This troubles me greatly. Obviously. Do I think divorce is the only answer? No! I am deeply concerned, though, that new arrivals in this conversation are getting an unbalanced perspective.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:56 PM, May 7th (Monday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He misses cyber sex because it gave him a way to connect with people and have "friends."

Red flag. Manipulative SA logic?

I told him to try to make some real friends....and then he cried.

Positive sign, showing genuine emotion...I think?

He tried to get me to say it's ok for him to break one of his new boundaries about women so he can be friends with a girl at work.

Red flag for idea. Positive sign that he is discussing the situation with you, rather than acting out secretively.

I still have hope that at the end of the 4 months I'll see some real change. And if I don't, then I hope I see a clear indicator that doesn't want/plan to change, because I don't want to drag this out if it isn't going to be real.

Yes. I wish this for you as well.

I feel 100% confident that my WS would have continued his SA behaviors ad infinitum if he had not lost his job and suffered serious public humiliation. Before, his efforts to "recover" were always half ass...well, really quarter ass - just enough to appease me and continue stringing me along. Losing his job and near-imprisonment was the best thing that ever happened to the guy - made him realize that his "little habit" had spiraled seriously out of control.

There are both red flags and positive signs in what you've described. Taking some time and space seems like a very wise choice - hopefully clarity will come. In the mean time, revel in your new independence and become reacquainted with the fabulous woman inside of you!

***(((Phoenix)))***


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SA vs. Serial Infidelity: I struggle with this with my WH. I mean, I'm sure SA is real. But there's a real part of me that just isn't sure this is my WH's problem.

And there is that other thread that questions the "real" in SA...

Having lived with an alcohol addicted mother, a drug addicted brother and a sex addicted husband, I believe addictions are real. I believe addictions are symptoms of mental illness and resulting choices made by people who have these illnesses. They make these choices initially as part of poor judgement, poor coping skills, etc, the brain reacts chemically, the behavior is repeated, etc. Eventually the behavior must escalate to obtain the high needed to get the same feeling. And the addiction is born. The addict and his/her substance becomes the most important thing in life, superseding all the other things previously valued, and sacrifices are made to get the fix. Gambling, food addiction, shopping, there are other similar process addictions that cause people to act in the same way.

We "cos" whether or not we know about the behavior, wind up as collateral damage, jobs, reputation, kids, all suffer. It would be easier to have a "substance" addiction because it easier to talk about, there isn't the same late night talk show joke fodder, there isn't the same kind of niggling thought in our minds that we did something wrong, or less than we should have done to prevent this.

IMHO the SAs' problems aren't sex addiction per se but the problems that led them to seek affirmation somewhere other than internally. And while we all need external affirmation to some degree, the path they chose was SO destructive to all of us around them, it take s years and hard work to undo some of the damage. And unless the SA does ALL the work, takes FULL responsibility for their part, R is NOT healthy for either one of them.

Even if R is chosen, the partner needs to change. I have. I am NOT a doormat. I speak up. Probably too much. But I refuse to stuff my feelings, refuse to live that life again, and will absolutely throw him out if SA behavior starts again.

Even if he is 88, incontinent and senile. He'll find his scrawny a$$ on the sidewalk.

In the next town.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And unless the SA does ALL the work, takes FULL responsibility for their part, R is NOT healthy for either one of them.

Yes.

Even if R is chosen, the partner needs to change. I have. I am NOT a doormat. I speak up. Probably too much. But I refuse to stuff my feelings, refuse to live that life again, and will absolutely throw him out if SA behavior starts again.

And yes.

By condoning the wait and see attitude, I only mean that if someone is unsure, they shouldn't feel pressured to make a final decision while in the midst of recovering from the shell-shock of trauma. It's okay to take some time/space, let the brain recover a little from D-day, process the reality of the situation, and ultimately make the decision to stay or leave the relationship once the brain has healed some and feels more mentally stable.

Obviously, if you are sure, there is no need to wait, and extenuating circumstances like endangerment of self or children necessitate immediate action. An SA who is not pursuing recovery at all is certainly cause to run for the hills!

In the long term, reconciliation should only be considered if like Kat said, the SA takes on full responsibility for recovery, and the spouse does not allow herself to be manipulated, used or disrespected during that recovery.

Otherwise, I would dare say the statistics for pain and unhappiness are probably 100%.

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 5:40 PM, May 7th (Monday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember - you can never have a real relationship with any kind of an addict until they're "sober" and in recovery. Until that happens, the best you'll ever be is #2.

Saw this in another forum and wanted to share it here.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those with SAWH in recovery, do they have trouble dealing with visual threats? I'm not sure what all this entails, but it makes me nervous.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kicked my SAWH out in February after he failed to deliver on a single promise he made to me. A series of family crises caused me to break NC and start to allow myself to rely on him again. I was a fool.

Looking back, I created the false hope because no part of me was willing to believe a man I loved for 40 years could ever do this to me. He pleaded "temporary insanity" and I fell for it.

He has continued to destroy me with hateful, cruel comments. I know in my gut he is still acting out because of the way he treats me. I no longer snoop on him because it is pointless. It is all pointless. Tonight I told him to no longer call me. I hung up on him. He is toxic. He is poison. He is broken. I will not waste another moment on him.

My marriage ended long ago, if it ever existed. I only wish I got out years ago while I was still young. I hope I still have enough strength to come out whole on the other side...

Love to all..
Ghost


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Ghost))) You will come out the other side - I know it. You have come so far!!! You have so much courage. Stay strong. I'm thinking of you every single day.

My marriage ended long ago, if it ever existed. I only wish I got out years ago while I was still young. I hope I still have enough strength to come out whole on the other side...

My story isn't exactly like Ghost's story, but, like her I wish I got out years and years ago. I'm 43, and I wasted the last 20 years with a SA. Now my innocent children might someday learn about their dad's sickness. And then they will be destroyed. So I wish I had seen my posts, and Ghost's posts, and NG's posts eight years ago.

So (((NG))) I hear you, loud and clear. I also love and appreciate your honesty and your courage and how fast you got your kiddies away from your SAH as soon as you figured out what was going on.

Here's what I think after dealing with SA for EIGHT YEARS, and I hope it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings:

If your H is verbally or physically abusive, get the hell out RIGHT NOW. Don't ever go back.

If your H has NPD or another borderline personality disorder, get out NOW. Don't ever go back.

If he is not in active recovery, get out NOW. You can always come back, but get out now.

If your husband thinks that he only needs to follow SOME boundaries, then he is not in any sort of recovery. Get out NOW. By staying, you are enabling him, you aren't letting him hit rock bottom, and you aren't protecting yourself.

If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information.

Don't bring children into the world under these circumstances.

All the snooping in the world won't stop your spouse's SA. You cannot control his actions. Even if you try to control him 24/7, an addict will find a way to act out. So stop giving up you life to control HIS life. (I was guilty of this for years.)

And even if you are the most beautiful, thin, fit, sexy, brilliant, funny woman in the entire world, he will still act out. Because the acting out has NOTHING to do with you.

And always always take care of yourself first. This is something I still struggle with daily.



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are absolutely right on, Choosing. About everything about what you said about your kids. If you get the right kind of counseling, they CAN survive this. There are many, many people who have survived with the knowledge of their parent dysfunctional lives and moved on to be happy and healthy. Please don't assume it's hopeless, especially with a strong, brave mother...

((((((choosing))))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your H is verbally or physically abusive, get the hell out RIGHT NOW. Don't ever go back.

Yup! Whether he is SA or not, no woman deserves to be abused. This is not healthy or loving!

If he is not in active recovery, get out NOW. You can always come back, but get out now.

Agreed 100%!

If your husband thinks that he only needs to follow SOME boundaries, then he is not in any sort of recovery. Get out NOW. By staying, you are enabling him, you aren't letting him hit rock bottom, and you aren't protecting yourself.

Sad, but true.

If you think your husband "isn't as bad" as some other SAs, you are probably in denial or you don't have all the information.

This isn't funny, but it made me lol. It is SO true. It's amazing / disturbing what they can hide.

All the snooping in the world won't stop your spouse's SA. You cannot control his actions. Even if you try to control him 24/7, an addict will find a way to act out. So stop giving up you life to control HIS life.

Word.

And even if you are the most beautiful, thin, fit, sexy, brilliant, funny woman in the entire world, he will still act out. Because the acting out has NOTHING to do with you.

Yes, yes and yes.

And always always take care of yourself first. This is something I still struggle with daily.

Amen.

Hope, I feel like we just had a revival, lol. You go, girl!

Ghost - Sounds like you are gaining assurance about your decision, even though it is sad. When you leave, it will be with no regrets. At least there is some peace in that. You set your boundaries; you kicked him out; he showed you his true intentions. Proud of you for not accepting less than what you deserve.

*****(((((Ghost)))))*****


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost-

The hardest thing for me to accept was that someone I had loved so much could do this to me, too. But he did it.

If Sigmund Freud were around and available, perhaps he could say definitively what comes first - the SA or the personality/character issues? Or if it is different with each SA?

In my ex's case, I feel fairly confident that he is personality disordered and the SA is but one symptom. What you are describing with your WS with his cruelty and hatefulness toward you makes me think possible personality disorder.

As you move forward, you need to believe. Believe in YOU. Believe that you will find a place in your life where happiness, contentment and peace of mind will help to heal the pain you've suffered for all of these years.

And then you make it happen. It sounds simplistic, and you have to go through some ugly stuff to get there, but once you've "earned" it, you will never want to let go of it.

You are not too old! I was 50 when it happened to me and that was four years ago. My only regret now is that I once allowed myself to believe in someone (my ex) more than I believed in myself.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if there should be a forum for those divorcing their SA as well as one for those reconciling with their SA. The support I need right now is NOT going to be found with or from those who are reconciling. Just like I don't go to the Reconciliation forum for support, rather go to the Separation/Divorce forum. Or maybe I just need to stay in the S/D forum.

Just wondering "out loud", that's all...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody. It's been a while since I posted because I've been swamped.

I just wanted to echo everything Choosing Hope said. No truer words could be spoken.

Nature Girl, I totally understand your concern about the support you need and the things you need to post about being counterproductive those those trying to reconcile with their SAs. I don't know if it gives you any comfort, but it really helps me to see EVERYONE on the spectrum. It reminds me to remain realistic and be aware of what my future can hold.

There is someone in my group therapy that has a very similar story to mine. Yesterday as part of our theraputic exercises I had to go into sordid detail about my story, which included my limited divorce and custody options, and my impending post nup/custody agreement. EVERY time I share this part of my story, in group/S Anon/here, an SA spouse has an AHA moment and realizes that should probably be part of their reality, no matter where they are on the spectrum. She said "I probably should look into that. Never thought of it. But I know my SA would give me whatever I wanted because of his guilt, and honestly I could destroy him if for some reason he didn't."

I told her I while I felt the same way about MY SA, because I have heard scenarios from other parts of spectrum I know I have to be realistic. Yes, it the state he is in now, if we had to divorce, he would likely give me anything and everything I wanted and needed. But if he suddenly went down the rabbit hole, like in the case of Choosing Hope/Nature Girl/Sager/etc, I can't count on anything but what I am legally entitled to. I have to do what's in my best interests and my kids' best interests, even if I feel like we may have a good chance at reconciling (for now, anyway).

And the truth is, just as I like to hear success stories, I need to hear "success" stories of the other kind. I need to know what to be aware of if I have to divorce him. I need to know that former spouses of SAs can continue to heal and survive. I need to know they can manage the effects on their kids, how they handle visitation, etc so I feel educated on it if the need arises for me in the future. It gives me security being more educated about it from real life experiences.

That's my two cents. I hope it gives you some peace, and things for everyone to think about.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I've been away for a few days and already a lot has happened on here. I just realized that I really need to be checking into this thread more regularly. Everything that everyone has said is ringing true to me.

WS and Hope - Your words couldn't be more true. Those "guidelines" about dealing with an SA are spot on. I think I'm going to print them out and put them somewhere so I never forget one. Those are absolute boundaries that I agree with 100%.

About whether SA is real. I fall soundly in the "yes" camp. In fact, the funny thing is that I just wrote a blog about what SA is and how my H's addiction affected my life. I think for a while, maybe even a year, after the last discovery I made my H didn't believe in SA. But I just got a lot of books and started reading, and he has picked them up on his own. They ring true to him.

SA is different from "regular" infidelity because of its consuming nature. SAs also continue their behavior even when it is no longer particularly enjoyable or fulfilling. Just like any other addiction, it starts taking over all aspects of their lives until there is nothing that isn't affected by it. Also just like any other addiction it is awful. It drives them to terrible, disgusting, hurtful things. Addiction is not pretty, it is not glamorous, it is not funny. It destroys.

NG - I am beyond horrified by what your X did. It is scary and sickening and disturbing to think about what you must go through having to hand your children over for visitation. You are right that I cannot fathom what you are going through. I can sympathize and offer support, though. I would hope that you would still be able to accept it even though we aren't in the same place. I think I "get" why I would probably seem like an alien to you right now. I am sorry (truly sorry) that my hope leaves you feeling in such despair. Your despair also makes me feel doubt and fear and all sorts of emotions.

I do know that every situation is different. We may be on very different roads and have very different experiences, but we do share some things. We have both had to deal with an SA - with someone whose dark impulses and actions have been forced on us without our consent and who are now tangled in our lives. You are divorcing. I am not (yet). Maybe that means I can't support you the way you need. I am sorry for that. I hope that you can find a place where you feel more comfortable. And if you ever do want the kind of support that I can provide I am happy to hear about it, agree about how much of a bastard he is being, and empathize with your current plight.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is something I think about all the time.

A while ago there was the story in the General forum about the police coming for a WH. He had sex with a 14 year old at the age of 38. Lots of posts and advice, mainly to not even try to understand, to leave, protect kids etc. What struck me was the excuses the poor BW had - that the 14 year old looked much older and that he was not really 38, he was still 37 because his B-day was a few months away.

Now, I was shocked, thought and still think I would never be that blind. It is a very extreme example. But, on the other side we all look for some kind of excuses, some better some worse either for our WH choices or for our own. As much I am trying not to do it and to be realistic, I am wondering can we at all be realistic with our messed up lives? I was always a very down to earth type of person, but as my roots are gone, the earth seems so, so far away....


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG - I am beyond horrified by what your X did. It is scary and sickening and disturbing to think about what you must go through having to hand your children over for visitation. You are right that I cannot fathom what you are going through.

How exactly are NG's husband's actions very different from your SA husband's actions? Or any of the other SAs represented here?

He's not in recovery, but most of the SAHs here are not taking all the steps necessary for any sort of meaningful recovery. (There are some exceptions of course.)


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
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