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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dear friends...hello!

I wanted to drop in to wish all of you hugs and inspiration. I am very well and thriving since I moved out last December. My kids are happier and I am still in the divorce process.

For thos of you still deciding on what you should do. Heed the advice of the experienced spouses here.

Remember to FOCUS on YOU. This is YOUR life!!! We forget that when we get married and have children. We each deserve happiness in our lives. This happiness does not come from other people, including our spouse.

Set goals for yourself. Hold the SA accountable at all times. Remember each day that they are MASTER manipulators.

Stay strong and many, many hugs to all!

Torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG,

I can very vividly remember my feelings when I finished my first book about SA. These feeling are difficult to describe. I had such fear, panic that he did something to our son. I was petrified.

So, I can, to a certain extend, understand what were you going through. Your decision was the right one, you are a brave women, I still don’t have the strength to do it.

I know and I always felt that the infidelity is a deal breaker, yet I am still here, but I salute your strength and will to protect your children. All our kids need protection, maybe not in the same way as yours, but living with an addict is far from good for them. My son is a teenager, much closer to his father than to me at the moment. My WH was always a good father (if SA can be good fathers at all), and it looks that he is doing an even better job since he stopped acting out and I disconnected. Yes, I became a joke of a mother, something that vaguely resembles the mother I was and he became a model father. But, he still is the same broken person and I am not sure his influence is going to benefit our son in the long run.

If you feel you can and want to share, do. I think a lot of us can benefit from your perspective and the pain you went through.

Keep your strength.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG - I am beyond horrified by what your X did. It is scary and sickening and disturbing to think about what you must go through having to hand your children over for visitation. You are right that I cannot fathom what you are going through.

How exactly are NG's husband's actions very different from your SA husband's actions? Or any of the other SAs represented here?

ChoosingHope - The main thing I was talking about is the sexual acting out with her children in the same room. She also mentions having to explain to her children what is appropriate touch and what is not appropriate touch. Here is the quote I was specifically thinking about:

The fact that i have to instruct my kids in detail about childhood sexual abuse, what's okay to happen to them, what's not, what needs to be reported to me, and so on, KNOWING WHILE I TELL THEM THIS THAT IT'S THEIR F-ING FATHER WHO IS A DANGER TO THEM...

I took that to mean that she has some concerns about him acting out with their children in some way. I don't have children and don't plan to ever have children, so I can't imagine what that must be like for her. I do know that is something I never would have thought of a father doing to his own children - which goes to show how naive I still am about the horrors of this world.

In regards to my SAWH, I am not saying that he is better than anyone. I would never presume to say that he is some glowing example of a person. None of them are. I do apologize profusely if that is somehow the way it came across.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 1:45 PM, May 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beautifulmess, (and any one else who thinks...but my spouse would NEVER...)

Yes, there was a point years ago where my H's SA was at a point that was "normal" normal big boobed pretty lady porn, strip clubs, normal ladies, prostitutes, etc. But over the years I started finding much more deviant porn and ads for women that were not pretty. Then even more deviancy. SA is progressive in nature. I firmly believe (and I know that this WILL offend others but I don't care, I feel this is such an important point) that given enough time and progress in the addiction that it WILL progress to same sex/teens/children, etc. The normal stuff just doesn't cut it anymore. On my last d-day, the depravity that I uncovered was sickening. And I don't say that lightly, as I had been exposed to so much of his acting out, that to some extent I had also normalized it. I have told very few people the full details of my story, but if you think that the things that Nature Girl is dealing with, or as lost family pointed out, that poster who had been in general , or Choosing Hope's story of threesomes with the same sex are rare, you have your head in the sand. I am not saying that all SA's are pedophiles, but they ALL have the capacity to become monsters who view everyone as objects for sexual pleasure.

Choosing Hope is right; most SA's are not in recovery and will never be in a full recovery. It takes years of hard work and commitment. I wish I would have left my H LONG before our last d-day. The effects on children of growing up in a household of addiction are just devastating. Most of the acting out that my H did (with the exception of his predatory acts towards a teenager...and lost family I too was sickened by that BS that made excuses!) I can put aside. But the damage that has been done to my children by living with an addict and being caught up in the cycle of crazy, I will carry that with me forever. NEVER underestimate the risks of having children or raising children with a SA. So many moms are dealing with the same sort of heartbreak even with children who had no idea that their father was a SA; the effects of addiction are just crippling. I would dare say that many of us also grew up in homes of addiction (be it alcohol, sex, etc.) and so in some ways addicts are the people we knew when we chose spouses. I know that is true for me, and I am praying that the cycle will be broken for my kids.

I think that especially for newbies to SA, they want to hold out to that hope that now this has a label, we can fix this. There is no "we". The SA has to really be motivated. To the point that recovery becomes their way of life. I remember so many d-days where I thought my H would change and he would white-knuckle and put forth a little effort. I didn't really know and understand the extent of his acting out or what SA really was. I do think that way too much hope is being placed on R with a SA. I have never seen any exact numbers, but the recidivism rate is very high with SA.

There is no prize for staying with a SA. And I agree with previous posters that if your SA is physically, emotionally, or sexually abusing you, LEAVE! And the idea of supporting them through their recovery is also co-dependent in nature. They have to be internally motivated. If they are in recovery to please you they will fail. They will get angry at you and act out again. The best thing I ever did was separate from my H. The circumstances of us entering R were motivated by external factors and it is a complicated story.

That brings me back to the words that torn2bits just used...FOCUS ON YOU! I think that this thread has lost some of that focus. The focus should NOT be on the SA. That is divisive, because we are all in different places..a few in R, a few separated/divorced, and most in limbo. We ALL have the commonality of needing to work on ourselves, though. Even 2.5 years out, I still have to remind myself. I can be doing so well, but then something happens (I got sick with pneumonia last month) and it all goes to heck.

So, my work for this week....I feel so much better when I am physically taking care of myself. I am going to go for a walk everyday for the rest of the week and next week I am hoping to make it back to the gym again. Recovery wise, I need to work through another chapter of the book I am working with my therapist on before I see him on Thursday....John Bradshaw Healing the Shame that Binds You. If I can keep myself focused on these things this week, I will have more peace. We are all at different places, but PLEASE!!! find some way to work on you. Reach out and get support IRL from a 12 step group or a therapist. While SI can be a great resource, the fact that SA is so isolating is one of the mechanisms that keeps us from healing. That is why external means of support is so vital.

And Nature Girl, Choosing Hope, and others who are not in R, please don't leave the thread. We all need to heal regardless of whether we stay with our SA or not. And the perspective you provide of moving on and life without a SA is so important. One thing with SA is that there is no certainty. My H may be in a really strong recovery for the last 2.5 years, but if he goes back to acting out again tomorrow I will leave, and I have the means and plans to do so. I think that there are members here who think their SA's are in recovery or even may be for now, but they could find themselves on that other side eventually, too, and the support you could provide would be important.

Remember everyone, take care of YOU! YOU are worth it! And it works if you work it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you TMY. My brain just could not formulate those thoughts as eloquently as you just did.
Friends, this is the time to be selfish. It's about YOU.
Love to all.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, so well said. Thank you.

English is not my mother tongue and I can't express myself properly, plus it has been a very difficult week (more like months).

I just have to find the energy to take cake of ME!


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H hasn't been officially diagnosed as a SA but I honestly don't think he is going to be truthful to his therapist. Are they trained to get to the truth? How am I suppose to know what my life is, where it's going and who we are as a couple if he is a master manipulator. I think he loves me, is remorseful but if he continues to hide what he did, what is the future for me. I feel I will never have "peace" without the "pieces".

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI has been a life saver for me, especially this thread which empowered me to educate myself and geared me toward the right books to read, even in the right order! It gave me direction when I was truly traumatized after the complete bombshell that was Dday for me (which shouldn't have been a shock really, as looking back there were so many indications including the pornography and online infidelities). It has also helped me to understand what a CSAT is and why "regular" therapy doesn't work. It has helped me to know that I am not alone in this experience, and there are even many posters on here who I've come to consider true friends...people who I think of and pray for on a daily basis. What sanity I have, I credit in large part to the support I have received here. For that, I am truly, immeasurably grateful.

Still, I must be honest in saying that at times I have also felt attacked. And that has not been healing. That has been very upsetting. I felt attacked for attending my NA meetings, from which I've gained a lot of knowledge, healing and RL support. I feel attacked for being "hopeful" that my WS will stick with recovery. I feel attacked for suggesting to others that should their WS also choose recovery (with the right resources, not just white knuckling), then their life is not necessarily a death sentence.

Don't get me wrong - the things my WS has done are despicable, truly despicable. And yet I have learned that addiction is a disease - a biochemical, psychological disease. And like others with the disease of addiction - narcotics, alcohol, gambling, whatever...people (with the right resources and mindset) can and do recover. I don't know whether my WS will be able to battle his addiction into remission - it is too early to tell, but as long as he is making what appears to me to be a consistently, concerted effort, I am willing to give him that chance. I hate feeling judged for that - that I must be naive, idealistic. It is my life. I had the chance to have my marriage annulled a few months back, and yet I wasn't ready. I shouldn't feel pressured to make decisions if I'm not ready. Likewise, I do not pressure others to make decisions if they are not ready.

I think we should also be wary of making blanket statements about SA because it is an evolving field in terms of long-term research. We can offer our opinions, but to present them as facts is simply misleading, unless we cite our sources. I am guilty of this too, but I think it's something we should be careful of in the future. We do not have all the answers, and stats can be very misleading when taken from small samples.

I am sorry for all the pain that each person is going through, but we must not project our own situations onto others. Offer advice, but label it as such. Offer your experience, but preface it as such. I will try to do this, too.

And please, let's stop attacking each other. So many (myself included) need this place to share our thoughts, worries, personal experiences...we need to reach out, so someone can say, "hey, I've been there, too." I fear that when we are so quick to judge each other's situations based on the limited information they post...we will scare off many who need our help. Situations are not always black or white - they are often gray. And sometimes spouses, like SAs, need to hit their own "rock bottom" before reality sinks in.

Let's be gentle with one another...we're going through enough hell as it is.

Had to express that as it's been upsetting me...maybe now I'll be able to sleep.

Goodnight all.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone~

Interesting discussion re: divorcing vs. reconciling with an SA. There are many new voices here, their pain and conflict are plain to read. Each of us is in a different place in our own recovery, our marriages are in different places and each SA is a unique individual. It's very important to me to say that each spouse, each relationship has an individual path to walk. Some will reconcile, some will separate.. others will move toward divorce. Regardless of paths, of how we got to be here, this forum is for us to support each other as best we can. Being an addict's spouse is very isolating, the forum is crucial for many of us to feel heard, to feel safe. None of us should feel compelled to 'justify' where we are personally or where our M is. WS- I'm thinking particularly of you as well as any others who feel similarly but haven't spoken up.

The point that different paths should be heard here is valid. The path I have chosen is different from others, but for me is the best way forward at this time and place in my life. I am focusing on me, trying to stop myself from getting stuck in one place. I'm not working on our M and I don't know if we'll remain together; we aren't in MC. In the last few months I've seen both progress and setbacks. I'm trying to remain focused on myself. Work my program, take one day at a time, remain in the present. I'm planning to return to college to finish my degree. I'm not planning to leave at this time. Staying M- *choosing* to remain M- does not imply naivete or willful ignorance on any SA spouse's part, not just mine. I'm trying to work through what I *now* recognize is anger and resentment directed at myself: for wanting to stay together, for being a doormat for many years, for not enforcing boundaries that would protect myself. Now that I know better I can do better. I think I'm in what SI member razor calls 'faux R'. *shrug* Whatever I call it, this is where I am.

Earlier this year I discovered that it's likely my WH was diagnosed with a PD. It's possible that the SA has been a coping mechanism helping him to deal with the PD & his FOO. He has been in IC for two years now; his IC uses a type of therapy specifically for a particular PD. I'm nearly 2 years out from the SA diagnosis. We're trying to unenmesh ourselves (definition of enmeshment here:http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-and-friends/17245-enmeshment-collusion-and-toxic-relationships.html) and evolve into a healthier, functioning unit. Last month I was going through my journal & I came across several entries (dated Dec. 2010) discussing the CSAT's backtracking on the diagnosis of SA. At that time, and even now, this lack of a definitive label bothers me. Greatly. I'm trying to remember that S-Anon (& other 12 step groups) teaches that labels aren't important- what's crucial is how you interact, how healthy your side of the relationship is, that in fact labels can get in the way of healing and progress.


(((SA Spouses)))

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful posts. I feel a lot of support here. I also know that this is an issue that raises a lot of emotions. We are all in different places, going through different parts of this process, and having our own unique experiences.

I agree that the advice to take care of yourself is absolutely critical. We should be focusing on ourselves. That is the most important part of getting through this no matter if we are in R, D, or limbo.

I have to say, though, that I identify with WS wholeheartedly. She was able to say what I couldn't quite seem to get across:

Don't get me wrong - the things my WS has done are despicable, truly despicable. And yet I have learned that addiction is a disease - a biochemical, psychological disease. And like others with the disease of addiction - narcotics, alcohol, gambling, whatever...people (with the right resources and mindset) can and do recover. I don't know whether my WS will be able to battle his addiction into remission - it is too early to tell, but as long as he is making what appears to me to be a consistently, concerted effort, I am willing to give him that chance. I hate feeling judged for that - that I must be naive, idealistic. It is my life.

I don't know if it's true or not that "most SA's are not in recovery and will never be in a full recovery." It probably is if you mean every SA in the world. It might even be true if you polled everyone on this thread. But just because that might be other's experience doesn't mean it is mine. I know I do not need to justify my choices or my H's R efforts, but it seems like that's what I'm being asked to do. I feel like I'm being told to "prove it" that my SAWH is really doing the work in order to defend my feelings of hope.

I am truly sorry for those who have dealt with false R. I also don't look at those who choose D any differently. All I'm asking for is that same consideration. Reconciliation and recovery are valid choices. I don't want anyone to leave this thread. We all belong here. Everyone's story is important. Why are we trying to divide ourselves up like our ultimate choices make us that different? IMHO they don't. That's all I was ever trying to say.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to apologize if I have ever said anything that felt threatening, or like they were being attacked, or judged, or any negative emotion. I love and appreciate all of you, and totally understand it is different for everyone. For the record, I've never felt anyone made a "bad" or "questionable" choice - I know I can never know all the details and you have to BE THERE and know EVERYTHING to totally understand, and I can't.

I again wanted to reiterate what I said in my last post. I think the beauty of this thread is that there is such a wide spectrum of ladies here (and one man, that I know of LOL). For me, it is CRITICAL that I am educated about all ends of the spectrum, all scenarios, all possibilities. To some extent when I go to S-Anon, I get some of this IRL. But here, it is a wider cross-section, people are much more candid and detailed, and they are allowed to "share" as much as they want. There are more seasoned veterans here than in my S-Anon group.

I'm in a group therapy where we all are relatively in the same place in the healing process, even though our circumstances and our SA's methods of acting out vary widely. Everyone's SAWH is in some sort of treatment/therapy, although they may or may not be in true active recovery. We are all married, and would like to stay that way if possible. We all have children, although some have very young children and some have grown children and grandchildren. It is helpful to have people "like" me participating in my healing process, and it fosters a lot of growth for me. However, at times it feels a little constrictive.

Thanks to this thread, I feel like I am more rounded in my SA education. I feel like I can get real advice from real people in a situation I would otherwise not be able to discuss candidly from perspectives both similar to and different from mine. It has been a lifeline for me, frankly. And I hope everyone doesn't feel offended by anything I say - it is not my intent.

Be kind to yourselves today. Holding you all in the LIGHT.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
GreenDreams
♀ New Member
Member # 35015
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well i must say that all your different perspectives help me. I guess Im still on limbo mode. Or else. I really dont know.

We are currently separated. I am actually working on divorce issues, not because im eager to end this marriage, but because I must protect my children. So reading from both perspectives helps me. In the end... i guess were all on the same train. SA.

Thanks for everything you all share here. I would like to know what phase Im in, is limbo not knowing if your husband will fight for R? Or... what?

Hope someone can help.

Hugs for everyone!!!


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: MEX
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGRBEET, I was going to mention that some CSATs use lie detector tests as part of their therapy. Not only for disclosure for the spouse, but also to figure out if they are lying to the CSAT.

I never mentioned it, but it came up with SAWH. I personally do not have a whole lot of faith in those tests, as they really are only as good as the person operating them, but I never considered that a CSAT would want one for their own purposes. SAWH has very high scores in compartmentalization, so this center usually recommends the polygraph for that to verify what they are telling their therapist is the truth, and nobody's time is being wasted. We can't drop the money on it right now because of cash flow issues with moving, but as soon as that is resolved I'm going to discuss it with SAWH again.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury - How expensive are polygraph tests? I have also considered that as part of our recovery, but it seems like there are some very specific things that have to be done in order to make sure it is a helpful process. At least from what I read in Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have looked into getting a polygraph here in the Midwest. They are about $300-$400. What scares me about them is that they are about 80% effective and I don't want to do more harm than good for our R but still don't trust my H.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that I learn a lot from hearing all viewpoints, too. And selfishly I would like everyone in all facets of the disease to stay and be regular, active posters - even when I get my feelings hurt (and admittedly, I am sensitive), it still causes me to think, and thinking is good.

But I understand that those who are entering new beginnings sans-SAs may want / need to spend more time in other threads for awhile. That seems very logical and healthy. I only request (again selfishly) that you check in from time to time, to update us on your lives, your progress, to share your wisdom when you feel led. I get so attached - I miss and worry about you when I don't hear from you in awhile. And then I go prowling around the other forums trying to see how you're doing, haha. Guess my WS is not the only one with stalker tendencies...

And of course, if you ever need to vent about SA-related things that you feel no one else will understand...we've always got your back!

Peace to all my sisters! (and one brother, wherever you are!)


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to let go, isn't it? I too have gotten attached to those of you here, and worry when I don't hear from you. (small scolding to WS, we were SO worried about you!!! ) But you are all adults. And we have to honor the need you have to post or not, and where and when you do so. And we also need to recognize that this worry about others is so much a part of this family disease. It, once again, takes the focus off us. It enables us to fixate on those things we cannot control. Others. And while this love and concern for friends is part of me that I DON'T want to lose, I still need to be very clear in my own heart that my first concern is ME, and that is true of all of you.
I, too, hope I have never appeared judgmental. I say now, that I want only to support all of you in your choices, and will attempt, in the S-anon way to tell how I survive similar situations without giving specific advice. In any case, anything I have to share is only my opinion, and I am far from an expert.
It's so hard to "read" intent and nuance from just the written word. Frankly, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and thus, haven't felt clear judgment or censure in any posts or threads, but that's how I tend to be.
But support is what we should all focus on. It's what we all do best.
And I am continually amazed at the wisdom, strength and grace of all of you.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeautifulMess, the polygraph guy the SA center uses charges $500. But he is a specialist, per se, so he would get more accurate results in theory. In the case of spouses wanting info, he has them write a narrative of their concerns, and he boils it down to specific questions that can be asked in that format. Then apparently when you get the results he can determine outright lying as well as there is something fishy/related there that was not specifically addressed in the question. So it's a little different than getting some random poly somewhere, from what I hear. Like I said, IDK, I have reservations about it being helpful in my case but I certainly see the value in a therapist trying to determine how truthful a patient is being.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That does sound like it could be more helpful than jsut a random polygraph tech. I will have to ask my husband to talk to his CAST and see if anyone in his SA group has information on something like that in our area.

I'm not convinced if it would be very helpful in our case, either, but it is worth looking into. We are over a year out from his last acting out, and his recovery and our reconciliation are doing well. I think it could go a long way towards building up trust, though.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From an SA

I look through this thread on occasion. I don't know why exactly, except I know that I am reminded of the severity of my problem... and the most important, easily over-looked aspect of SA: how it affects the external victim.

If you're a spouse posting on here because your WS is an SA, you are a victim. You did nothing wrong, and you could've done nothing more to prevent it. Please remind yourself of that-- perhaps daily. The SA is selfish, cunning, manipulating, and relentless. I know because I am one. Your spouses SA problem started as a child or at some point before you even met. Perhaps he/she began showing signs of SA behavior during your M, but it doesn't mean you could have prevented it. Life is full of stress, anxiety, and fear; and SAs lack the ability to deal with stresses like a "normal" person. They began at an early age to cope with life's challenges in an unhealthy, unsustainable way. Their values are broken-- they are broken. It's not your fault. It's sadly not even about you... not even a little bit. It's very important that you start trying to believe this statement: It has nothing to do with you. They didn't act out because of you. They didn't act out in spite of you. They didn't act out within consciousness of you. It is completely, unequivocally about the SA. Period.

TooManyYears's post from May 8th is an excellent explanation of what you're up against. The cross-over from what she says to what I'm telling you is that he SA has to heal him/herself. You can't heal them; they have to heal themselves. If you look at my signature below, you'll see DDAY2. That was because I wanted to heal FOR someone and not necessarily for myself... I wanted to get better, but my motives were clouded by an existing relationship, and I wasn't yet willing to do the VERY VERY VERY hard work. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my identity and who I was (not just sexually, but in EVERY aspect of my life). The SA who wants to heal, will be required to carve out pieces of his/her self and replace those pieces with a new and unknown healthy person. Every step of recovery is like transplant surgery-- you're replacing broken pieces of yourself with healthy pieces; and the analogy is appropriate because the psyche WILL attempt to reject the transplant. This means a transformation from the deepest recesses of one's soul. Can you imagine how hard it would be to do that? Everything you know about yourself-- mechanisms and "truths" that you've cultivated over a lifetime-- are all potentially useless. You're scared, you're stressed, you're depressed, you don't trust yourself... and you've spent decades previously coping with those types of stresses with sex/pleasure... and you believed that sex was the only REAL way to cope, and it was healthy. You're now like a child learning how the world works again.

I don't think I did this framing justice, but I believe the idea of "complete surrender" is why many (and maybe most) SAs never recover. It's why the 12-step programs require an honest admission to "powerlessness" and "un-manageability of one's life." It's why 12-steppers are encouraged to give over themselves to God (or some other Higher Power), because how could someone truly transform themselves on their own. It sounds plausible, but I promise you it feels impossible.

Please do what is right for yourself. The SA will make this about them-- if they don't they probably can't heal. You have to focus on you now. Don't lose sight of yourself, and for God's sake take care of yourself. I'm so sorry everyone here has this in their life. It's not fair. You now have to be the strongest version of yourself. Nothing else will suffice.

God' speed.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


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