Can any of you explain why he calls escorts one after the other, a minute each call?
It could be availability, price, how icky/sexy they sound, whether an agency/pimp answers, or their location.
I did see the same thing. Lots of calls of short duration, and then back to one for a few minutes to set things up.
About a minute or less each call. Called them down a list, over and over. I figured he was leaving messages? I don't know.
There's just something so compulsive about it - like they're very agitated and looking for their "drug."
Just a thought. I always found it so strange -
Swear... It is still hard for me to wrap my head around... Wowsy... Thank you gals for not making me feel like I'm the only one dealing with this! Xx
"onward and upward..." Santa Clause
When I searched my stbx browser history on Sunday there were two specific searches @ Eros.com guide to Escorts... Transexuals, she males and more... I really really want to ignore this...
Looks like Mr. Icey's iceberg is starting to break the surface. Gulp...
I guess I was pretty shocked - not surprised, but shocked when I found out how much time and effort STBX put into finding male partners. My big D-Day revealed detailed emails from a man who likes to dress up in women's underwear, etc. etc. There's no way to know if STBX has always liked men (I'm leaning that way), or if his SA has grown so out of hand that he needs more and more stimulation/excitement. Plus, you've probably read here that it's easier to find a man to do some of these things than a woman. (I know, yuck.)
Please keep posting here - and feel free to PM me anytime. I just read your profile. Interestingly, my STBX is turning 47, we have two children (slightly younger - 5 and 7), and my D-Day timeline is nearly identical to yours.
And (((WS))), you too. I hope things are good.
beautiful - I will look into getting him evaluated by a CSAT.
TMY - re: remorse from WH - I hadn't changed my tagline; he is now remorseful. He is working on a NC letter and is going to read the books I have asked him to read. He hasn't completed these tasks yet, so I am waiting to see if he is truly trying to R.
We have had sex a few times; I wasn't having sex with him when he wasn't remorseful. As you know, it is so difficult to refuse and it feels so good to be sexually desired by your H when you have been starved for so long. I do realize that it is probably too fast and I will be pulling back with the sex. Thanks for the reminder.
I have read "Porn Nation" and plan on reading others; any advice on which books I should start with?
The short phone calls have to be some kind of looking for info, either price, maybe even just a voice, "friendliness" of the escort or asking about a certain service that he is looking for.
My SAWH acted out with men. He watched porn with she males and gay porn. He used services of she males, he was with a TV and went to gay clubs and cruising areas. He maintains that he is not homosexual, that his lifestyle led him there, more like his obsession with sex.
I am very interested in the masturbation topic. When I first read about it, I didnít agree with the views. I somehow thought that it is not the same as alcohol or drugs. It would be the same as food, and you wouldn't ask an overeater to stop eating all together. It is a physiological need. Then I read what TMY said and it does make sense.
M for the SA is a selfish act that is isolating and relies on the fantasy that keeps them in an addictive cycle. Even if the SA is not using porn to m, they have a cache of images or they could be scanning or watching something on tv and it feeds the destructive fantasy that keeps the addiction going. For my H, fantasy of any kind is a middle circle behavior. It leads to a slippery slope, even if the fantasy is not sexual in nature. Fantasy plays a big role in SA, because it is retreating in your head to create that "safe place".
I asked him last night. He used to M every day. He tells me the need is gone now, he might do it once a month, and we almost do not have sex at all (I donít want it, if it happens it is because I initiate it) and that is the easiest thing to stop. I didnít discuss much as I am not interested in his life (detaching big time), but he said something like ďit is all in the headĒ. He might get some ideas from TV or wherever but he pushes them out straight away. I donít know what kind of ideas, is it just about sex or escorts or even some sick experiences. And then comes his favorite, he will stop it altogether if I promise I am going to stay with him. No way I am staying, and no way I am making any promises (is it not better not to make promises that you know you canít keep then brake them like heís done?!).
I can see that specialists are asking them to stop the M for a year. I can understand that for them it is not only M, but much more than that as TMY explained it. It all makes sense, but is it realistic? And on top of it, how can you really know? Many of us are not even sure are still acting out, they are masters of manipulation, lying and hiding, we canít see even bigger things, so how do you know M doesnít happen? A year without sex is very long for anybody and M would be a ďnormalĒ outlet for any person without a partner.
Obviously, I am still confused with a concept, but would like to hear your opinions.
We are going away this Saturday. It will be a lovely trip, if only I didnít feel like a rag doll being taken around. Part of it is a family trip, so I will have to do happy 24/7 because of our son, and part of it would be only the two of us. We are coming back early August, I will try to log in when I can, probably not during the family part of the trip.
Hope, lovey, thanks for thinking of me. SAWH's newest thing is he opened a twitter account. I think it is a new way to take his activities underground to communicate with his sex partners. I don't know why I continue to keep snooping, it only causes me more pain.
I asked him this past weekend to clarify HIS position on our marital situation. Get this - and I quote, "you're pretty sick right now and you need help. Maybe I'll consider staying with you if you get better". Sweet Mary, can you say TRANSFERENCE? I'm the sick one???? He's effin' bonkers!!!! Absolutely certifiable!!!
Why oh why do I even still speak to the stir crazy SOB???? I am nearly broke and cannot afford even the barest of necessities right now. He IS paying the bills, but will not give me a penny for gas, groceries, etc. I need to stop procrastinating and get to a lawyer so I can arrange spousal support. I must find the strength to do the things I cannot do.
Sending hugs, prayers and strength to all of you...
Someone tell me why they continue to hide, lie, lie and lie?
And to make this worse, our MC told us that this whole week I was unable to ask him questions....he needed a break from my questioning. What is the rationale with that? I was so angry, I thought I was going to scream at him (the MC). So he gets to have me happy and he gets to have sex with me and he gets a happy wife and I get nothing???????? He did this to ME. He hurt ME. He betrayed ME and gave ME an std and cervical cancer. I don't get this it all. Someone who knows something about this, help me out
[This message edited by SGRBEET at 12:28 AM, June 1st (Friday)]
My SAWH has been in IC for nine months. So have I. We are nowhere near ready for MC. I also don't have sex with him, as it is my boundary that he be much further along is recovery than he is right now before we attempt it and definitely not before formal disclosure has been completed. Are we doing it wrong?
My SAWH and I had intercourse for the first time last night since DDay (almost 5 months). I was into it then I think I detached when it didn't feel like love making. Afterward my head was spinning with all these thoughts...mostly negative and lots of negative self talk.
I go through this as well. SI members call them 'mind movies', for me they can be PTSD type flashbacks. I go through periods when I struggle with them, but mostly they've disappeared. Unfortunately this seems to be a common symptom with infidelity- and I'm sure SA spouses have ample other reasons to get flashbacks in the middle of sex. I've had many episodes where I cried (heaving sobs) in the middle of sex. So I totally relate to where you're coming from. No suggestions as to how to stop them. Just honor how you feel & hopefully they'll subside with time.
Hugs to our newbies, the earliest days are so painful & confusing. Welcome. Down here we've BTDT, please feel free to ask questions and vent.
LostFamily, I hope your vacation is (somehow?) refreshing. Post when you can & we'll be here when you get back in August.
Hannelore, my/our CSAT said that disclosure needed to be done with ample support for the spouse, preferably with the spouse's IC/CSAT there as well. Disclosure can be incredibly traumatic & damaging in long term ways so the common method seems to be to ensure the spouse is healthy enough & well supported. That being said, I'm definitely a need to know person & I struggled with this. I felt like the CSAT & my SAWH were trying to control me & withhold information. Sigh.
Ghostwalker, sending you comfort and strength to do what's needed to protect yourself. Keep posting, it really helps.
SGR, I second NatureGirl's suggestion to do IC instead of MC right now. The MC's focus is only healing the M, not helping the individuals. I've consistently found the idea of MC to be incredibly threatening & fear producing, although I've tried. We're coming up on two years out from SAWH's diagnosis & we've not done MC. I think TMY isn't in MC either & her H is in recovery. YMMV. Hugs regardless.
Waving to WS & hath!
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Boys and I usually travel for the entire month of July. In past STBX would be with us... Not this time... We have sold our house and are currently renting an apartment while we get through D. I was thinking that I wanted to try to get stbx completely out of the apartment and into his own place before we left for vacation bc here alone would be perfect place to have "escortpalooza" and I didnt think I could deal with that.
Then I was thinking I should set up nanny cams and let it roll. I have a call into L for advice. Any of you BTDT? I am in a fault state and currently lacking absolute non refutable fault.
I'm thinking that he wouldn't dare knowing that I'm watching his every move... But hasn't stopped him yet. I suppose I could hire an industrial cleaning service to disinfect the place afterwards and burn the beds...
Icey, IDK what to tell you. I know in my state it is usually best practice to hire a PI for that stuff, because the laws are so particular. You can take a time/datestamped pic of someone passionately kissing someone, but there can't be nudity or sex acts involved and you have to be taking the picture from a place you are allowed to be (not a spycam you placed in their office, for example). A lot of the tips you read in the Investigative forum here are not only not legal evidence, they can get you jail time in my state.
I'm sure your lawyer can direct you to what evidence would be most helpful for your case. But I'd strongly recommend YOU do not see the footage or pictures or whatever evidence you collect - get someone else to do it for you. It will be hugely traumatizing and impossible to erase those images from your brain. Take it from me, I have BTDT (stumbling on it unitentionally, not actively seeking it) and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it.